What the hell is wrong with my 'D'B?

[yogacat]

Very upset. DH and I are moving countries at the moment (hemispheres, actually), I'm pregnant, DH is working, co-ordinating the move and applying for work in the new country. We're doing well with everything, but it's crazy and stressful, and we're both a bit at the end of our tethers as things are drawing to a close here. We're worried about money, and would love for DH to have a job to go to when we arrive. He might, but nothing is certain yet, and there's only weeks to go. Every application is sent off with a fervent wish, and every silence greeted with resignation, but also disappointment.

I was talking to DM this morning, and she mentioned that she's been speaking to my DB. He apparently told her that he knows people in DH's line of work (which is nothing like what he and his wife do). When DM suggested he could drop DH a line and see if he'd like to be hooked up with some contacts, DB said, 'No. If they want my help, they can ask.'

What the actual fuck????

Firstly, I had no idea DB or SIL knew anyone in DH's line of work, so I would not even have thought to speculatively contact them on the off chance they do. We've been so, so busy, and I've been so ill. The thought never crossed my mind.

Secondly, why is be being such a petty, withholding arsehole? He knows I'm pregnant and that DH is looking for work.

So as not to dripfeed, I am definitely seen as the family favourite by DB (and I admit I am, partly because he can be such a temperamental, confusing person at times, like now), but he is always reasonably nice to me when we speak. I actually think he was having a go at DM by his comment, as he would know that she's very keen we settle in quickly into life in the new country, and he might be jealous. Any insight appreciated. I will not say any of this to DH, because he's working so hard looking for a job, and would be really hurt. And he likes my DB.

What I was pretty surprised at is DB's 'I could help, but am not going to go out of my way' assertion. If you can't be arsed helping, fine. But it seems a bit mean to bother to articulate the fact that you can't be bothered.

and what did your DM have to gain by articulating it to you?

That's your interpretation of it. His is " they must be doing ok or they would have asked for help."

Brass, DM was explaining to me why DB hadn't gotten in touch, and encouraging me to instead. Maybe rather than share his reponse verbatim, she should have said, 'I don't know why he's not shared his contacts with you, maybe he's busy. But do get in touch, apparently he knows people who can help.' It would have been better, I guess.

mynewpassion, I know my DB. He would have said this in a pissy way. It would also be completely unreasonable for him to have expected DH to approach him, their professions are polar opposites. Maybe I wasn't thinking sufficiently 'outside the box' - but I would be unlikely to ask a carpenter if he was aware of any openings for an industrial chemist, or a graphic designer, for example (this is an indication of the similarity of their jobs). BUT the more I think about this, the less I believe he knows anything about anybody. I think he is winding my DM up, having a bit of a go, using me as bait, and she fell for it. While our relationship was fraught as teens and young people, I've seen him on my regular trips home for the last decade- he's always pleasant, and hospitable. We've had coffee together, and I go out for dinner with his family (SIL is fine, we get on well), hang out with his DCs etc. He calls me on my birthday, and he called me a few weeks ago to see how I was (I've been very ill with the pregnancy). We interact on FB, and Skype occasionally (really so I can see the kids!) His call would have been the perfect time for him to offer help, if he actually was able to. We're not great pals, but it doesn't make sense, on reflection, that he wouldn't give DH a hand off his own bat.

DM and he have a rocky relationship at times, DB is very rude to her frequently, which I get a bit tired of witnessing. I also get tired of witnessing her acquiescence. To the point where I've said to DH I'm very happy to socialise with DB/SIL/DCs when we go home, but we will be minimising whole family get togethers as much as possible. I find their interaction stressful. But this thread has at least helped reveal to me that DM and DB have a dynamic which is actually none of my business. And if DM mentions anything similar in the future, I'll take both of their words with a grain of salt...

Thanks again to all posters. You've all been helpful.

So the new country is your home country where your parents and your brother lives?

I was annoyed that DM told me, Ms23, but she said it like: 'DB said he knows people in DH's profession, so I think you should get in touch with him' [or something like that!] I responded 'Really?? He does? Why hasn't he messaged DH and told him? He knows we're looking for work' DM replied 'When I suggested he contact DH he said, 'No, if they want my help they'll have to ask for it.' So I think you're going to have to chase it up with him.'

Actually your brother sounds quite reasonable to me, and you sound a little entitled tbh. For a start you don't know the exact words he used, second your reaction was well - odd. It is not his job to get your DH a job, and he has offered to help if you want it and ask. Perhaps he is not trying to tread on your toes.

Footle, I'm going to! Although things are looking good for DH now, but it won't hurt to do as you say. We all like to feel needed.
summermovedon, I don't mean to sound entitled. As I said, I now think the whole thing is a bit of a 'thing' between DM and DB. I think he would actually proactively help if he could. I just didn't understand why he hadn't said to me, 'Oh, I can hook DH up with X if he'd like/ if that would be helpful.' I would have said 'That's brilliant, thanks! I had no idea you knew any stockbrokers! How lucky!' (for example) He's not a 'not tread on toes' kind of guy, believe me! If he knows better, he'll let you know about it. Which can be helpful at times, I admit. But even if he can't help, I'm still going to ask. It can't hurt.

There other thing is: I'm wasn't expecting anything from DB that I absolutely be prepared to do without question, were the shoe on the other foot. Maybe that means I am a 'tread on toes' type person, although I like to think it would be just offering help to a sibling who might need it, and might not be aware that I had information/contacts that they need...

Argh, sorry Quintessential I just saw your post. Yes, it is. I've been expat for 10 years.

You're all in your 40s or so, so maybe he thought you were making your own arrangements.

Given that you consider DB to be an arse, wouldn't you be very wary of DH in effect being "recommended" by him in any case ?

Does your husband speak the language in your home country?