Will I ever have the guts to leave

[TessDurbeyfield1]

Hi,
I have nc'd for both the fear of being recognised and the shame of still being with my emotionally abusive husband. I posted early in the summer after he was verbally very abusive to me in front of the children. I also told the mumsnetters about the other things he had done in our 18 year relationship and the overwhelming advice was to leave this man. Since then he has been absolutely wonderful: kind, attentive and caring. I really thought that he had been reflecting on his past behaviour and realised that it was abusive. However, 2 weeks ago he took the day off work to look after my youngest child while I went to work. When I arrived home I was surprised to see a charity bag sitting on the pavement outside our house - I should have realised! A few days later I checked the back of an almost inaccessible cupboard, and found that a very precious (and large) possession of mine had gone. Over the years photos, ornaments, postcards and even furniture that has been given to me by my family has gone missing. He always denies it, but I actually saw him do it on one occasion. I feel absolutely sick. Ten minutes after making the discovery of the missing object I sat on the bed in absolute shock and he said "Oh, so we're going to have weeks of misery now, we're all going to suffer!".
We have 3 children who think he's absolutely wonderful; they're completely unaware of how he manipulates and emotionally abuses them too.
I did see a solicitor, which made me feel quite empowered for a time. However, I now seem to be sinking back into helplessness and I'm not sure I'll ever muster the strength to leave.

The niceness is part of the cycle of abuse. It's what keeps you there. If he was always horrible, you'd know you were right to leave. But the niceness means you doubt how bad the nasty bits are, and wonder if they are worth putting up with for the nice times.

Also, if he can be nice (or as Cogito says, not abusive) for several months, and then do something nasty againg out of the blue, it keeps you on those eggshells doesn't it. No matter how long he's nice for you are never going to be able to relax.

Its also worth considering that he's nice when he's getting his own way about everything. So he's still controlling you, because you arrange your life to try and keep him in his Dr. Jekyll mode.

He's a bully. Don't think the children don't notice what he's like, though they may not realise that they aren't to blame for his outbursts. It does hurt them, even if they also seem to like him because they too are trying to keep on his good side.

And of course you should never stay with someone who you are scared to leave. Disposing of things that matter you is alarming, but you can get help to leave him safely from Woman's Aid.

I think it's inappropriate to be speculating on whether the OP's H would hurt himself or his kids. If the OP doesn't know, then no stranger on the internet is going to know.

The fact is, it's very rare, whereas abusive partners threatening suicide are twoapenny.

If the OP has any concerns about her & her children's safety she can a construct a leaving plan with WA, organise relevant injunctions and contact with reference to that.

My post was in response to golddigger ^^

If you leave and he threatens suicide, please do not hesitate to call the police. They will visit to check he is OK. If he is doing it to manipulate, it is very unlikely he'll make that threat again. (And if he isn't, it will make sure he's safe, while transferring the responsibility off you and onto where it belongs.)

Twinkle. But it is hugely relevant to the op.
And your response to what I wrote is probably the information that she needs.

Thanks once again for all your thoughtful advice everybody. I really don't know what I would do without this website.

Attila - you are so right about how I ended up with this man. I was so flattered by the attention (he's never had any friends and so I was the sole object of his time and attention). He also told me that he loved me very early on in the relationship - I was absolutely thrilled because my parents had never ever uttered those words to me, and I also felt that no one else would ever love me so I had to grab the opportunity while I could. What a mess I've now made.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

It still was not your fault back then because you knew no different (your mother and father taught you how to be worthless to start with and never showed you any love or affection) and he has just continued the process. There were red flags a plenty with this man (he had no friends, sole object of his affections, early protestations of love) but you simply did not recognise the warning signs. You were easy prey for such a person and were thus targeted by this person. Even negative attention you thought was better than none. Your parents abjectly failed you.

You cannot however, compound the error made by now staying with him however. You know the real him and the real him is abusive. This is untenable and the longer you stay, the harder it will be for you to get out. You have no idea what a normal healthy relationship actually is, your parents modelled a completely dysfunctional relationship to you and after all, we learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships here, what do you think they are being taught by both of you?. How would you feel if any one of your children went on to model this type of abusive relationship?.

You haven't made a mess OP, your husband has. You had no idea when you met him that he was going to turn out the way he did.

If he'd been a decent man, the fact that you met him when you were young wouldn't have mattered.

Dont pressure yourself. Keep reminding yourself that you are worth more than this. Because you are.
He is EA. I have just left an EA relationship.
2 weeks ago. I was alone in person, but with those on MN, i never felt alone once!

I acted on it before i even thought about it. Again, with the help of MN.
I have never felt so good about myself in a long time.

It is hard, op. But the benefits you see instantly help you see that it is worth it.
It is the thought of bringing the whole ending it idea up that holds you back. Once you are there, you regain a little bit of strength. Then the strength just keeps on coming.
It may be down to regaining control over yourself actually, when i think of it.

I never could have got through this without this MN. I posted as things were happening, and these brilliant, supportive people helped me keep my strength up enough to tackle the next hurdle.
It was very, very easy for me once i told him it was over.
It took me a long long time to get the courage tk get to that point though.

Good luck op xxx

I know I sound weak and pathetic, but I can't muster the strength to go through with this. I can't leave just before Christmas, it wouldn't be fair on my DD's. Straight after, 2 of my DD's have birthdays and want to do some fun things with their friends - again, I can't turn their lives upside down. My eldest DD has already started GCSE's and I fear that any trauma will cause her to do badly. Everyone will view me as utterly selfish to want to leave such a seemingly 'nice' man and destroy our 'family'.

The only issues here that are real are 'I can't muster the strength' and 'everyone will think I am selfish'.

Mustering the strength will come, but you do need a vision of how fabulous life will be when you do leave. Keep reading the positive stories on here - every single poster says 'leaving was the right thing to do, it was tough but it transformed my life'. Leaving is like childbirth - painful and messy but quickly over and so very worth it in the long term. And do a bit of planning - what about the children, finances etc. This will give you practical confidence. Your life will be wonderful.

On the issue of selfishness, my experience is that they didn't. The world knows that people mostly break up marriages for real reasons - that something is going on that's not visible outside, or that the people just aren't matched well. When you leave and your friends ask what happened just tell them one incidence and they will all understand and be hugely supportive.

There will never be a 'good time' to leave and your long term happiness is much much more important than a couple of birthdays.

Your last sentence is pure supposition on your part and I think you would find that some would be supportive. I would say to you that those who matter don't mind and those that mind do not matter. After all none of these people know the horrors of living with him day to day like you all do.

There is never a good time to leave and there are always barriers to leaving but honestly I would not want to spend Christmas with this man. I would make plans to separate now for your DDs sakes as well. The longer you leave it the harder it will be for you to make the break.

After Christmas you'll still be as miserable if you are now, perhaps even more so. They'll continue to pick up on all this. January is often the Solicitors busiest month because people cling on for the festive season and then want out afterwards.

Your DDs can still do fun things with their friends. I think it would be selfish to stay with such a person for the long term if you were to choose to, you cannot stay within this because of them and any perceived trauma to them. That's a terrible burden to place on them actually.

Would your DDs want you to be this unhappy; no they would not and perhaps even blame themselves for your current state. They know their mum and dad do not get along together. They would rather have a content mother in their lives than a mother who plasters on a smile and papers over the gaping holes. They know more than you realise and in turn they are being abused by their dad too. They see you being ill treated and learn from that awful example.

It is fair to show your DDs a healthy model of a relationship, what they are being shown currently is damaging to them longer term.

Courage!!. Keep making baby steps to get out and keep posting here. In this way you can still be encouraged and supported to make the escape.

Can I ask you what would happen if you gave something that was 'his' and give it to a charity shop?

Does you eldest DD have GCSEs next May, or the one after?

I feel so sad reading your posts. You've been so utterly let down by your parents and it's not surprising he hooked you in. Really, my heart breaks for you. Reading about how he's got rid of your stuff sends chills down my spine.

I think you have some hard decisions to make. There will never be a good time to leave. I actually think going right now would be easiest - there's still a little time to settle in somewhere and all of you to get your heads round it before Christmas. Plenty of people get through their GCSE's having had some personal stress. People wouldn't judge you because most people know that they don't know what is going on behind closed doors and there'd have to be a good reason for you to leave.

You are worth more than this man and being treated as you have been. Have a think about how you might feel a year down the line having separated from him - being free. I see someone who might have had some good therapy, started doing things for themselves to make a happy life, someone smiling and feeling happy and optimistic about the future and just being liberated. You can do it, there is support out there to help you take things a step at a time. Hope you get to talk to WA again soon.

I totally relate to this thread. I feel like I'm trapped at the moment, having fallen out of love with my partner who is EA, but who is adored by my DC. My son particularly is close to his dad and is such a dear boy I'm not sure I could do it to him. My daughter being a bit older does suss out when my partner is being unreasonable. They both notice that their parents relationship is not a loving one, although we don't very often argue in front of them. But I do worry that we are setting them a terrible example of what a relationship looks like. Am in the process of booking counselling for us. It won't take away any of the pain from a decision which might split the family up but will hopefully make my partner realise that it is not all down to me, that we have got to this stage.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to respond. WA rang this morning and I'm meeting with a support worker in exactly a week. I can't wait to talk about this as it's making me feel ill, I hardly slept last night - my mind was whirring with thoughts about the future.

Goldigger - my 2 eldest DD's attend a school where they start their GCSE's in year 10, so my eldest has already done one and she will do another lot in May. I would feel so guilty adding to the stress of it all.

Millie - I'm so sorry to hear you're in a similar situation. I was advised not to see a counsellor with my DH because of his emotional abuse. I really do think that he believes that he's done nothing wrong and is a good husband; he just denies or says he has no memory of the abuse, or makes comments like "Everybody has their days".
Maybe we could hold each others hand through this.

Perhaps you could leave in July?
That would give you time to get used to the idea?

The reason I asked about your DD is because if she is in Year 11. after that may come A Levels. And you other children may soon follow suit.
So some times may be better than others.