Will I ever have the guts to leave

[TessDurbeyfield1]

Hi,
I have nc'd for both the fear of being recognised and the shame of still being with my emotionally abusive husband. I posted early in the summer after he was verbally very abusive to me in front of the children. I also told the mumsnetters about the other things he had done in our 18 year relationship and the overwhelming advice was to leave this man. Since then he has been absolutely wonderful: kind, attentive and caring. I really thought that he had been reflecting on his past behaviour and realised that it was abusive. However, 2 weeks ago he took the day off work to look after my youngest child while I went to work. When I arrived home I was surprised to see a charity bag sitting on the pavement outside our house - I should have realised! A few days later I checked the back of an almost inaccessible cupboard, and found that a very precious (and large) possession of mine had gone. Over the years photos, ornaments, postcards and even furniture that has been given to me by my family has gone missing. He always denies it, but I actually saw him do it on one occasion. I feel absolutely sick. Ten minutes after making the discovery of the missing object I sat on the bed in absolute shock and he said "Oh, so we're going to have weeks of misery now, we're all going to suffer!".
We have 3 children who think he's absolutely wonderful; they're completely unaware of how he manipulates and emotionally abuses them too.
I did see a solicitor, which made me feel quite empowered for a time. However, I now seem to be sinking back into helplessness and I'm not sure I'll ever muster the strength to leave.

Thank you all so much for your kind words of support. I read the posts over and over again.

I now have to go and meet a friend for coffee. Another hour of smiling and laughing and pretending everything is fine and listening to stories of normal, healthy relationships. If only people knew.

How about not smiling and laughing with the friend for once and telling her about the charity bag thing? See what her reaction is?

Remember... pretending is making you anxious

I can't bring myself to do it. I'm ashamed for being with someone so spiteful, and for some strange reason I feel that I have to protect him from people knowing what a truly horrible human being that he is deep down.

You are confused about the missing things because you still believe what he says. Saying he has no explanation for the missing things when you KNOW he has chucked them is enough to make you doubt reality. Sounds like he is lying so hard he almost convinces himself!

You know he has got rid of your stuff. Don't wait for him to admit it, that is not going to happen and you don't need permission to leave. Stop listening to him. Start listening to yourself.

Trying to work out which is the 'real' him is baffling stuff. I would say it is all the real him - the good bits are who he wants to be (how he thinks he should be), unfortunately the bad bits are him too and reveal what he thinks of you.

Good luck.

It's a perfectly good entry-point story. You don't have to tell her chapter and verse of the last 18 years, just pop it into the conversation... 'What would you think if you came home to find your DH had thrown your prized possession to a charity collection?' See what the reaction is.

When my emotionally abusive exH left I was ASTOUNDED how many people who I thought liked him were relieved to be able to tell me what a tool they'd thought he was all along. Also, if you tell someone about a problem in your relationship, they will often come back with a problem in their own. Then you have a connection... something in common that goes deeper than the usual chit-chat.

Put your fears in order on a piece of paper[make sure he doesnt see them]. Alternatively write them down here, so you can see them, and perhaps written down they will not make you so fearful.
Also, posters on here can help you with each fear, either practically or emotionally or both.

Keeping up appearances is immensely stressful. You've created a wall around yourself perhaps partly from fear, from shame, from pride -whatever the reasons - it's very isolating. And that makes it harder to leave. You have nothing to feel ashamed of, you are not responsible for your H's behaviour.

When you speak to WA again, you could ask for details of da support groups in your area. You wouldn't have to talk about yourself if you didn't want to, but you might like to listen to other women talking openly & honestly about their experiences. Connecting with other women might help you feel less alone, and that your experiences are actually quite common.

I don't believe that your friends haven't noticed tensions in your relationship, nor your children either. You said that he was verbally abusive to you in front of your children in the summer. It probably isn't as much of a secret as you think it is.

We are here for support and there is no shame in not having left yet. None at all. It is the easiest thing in the world to sit behind a keyboard and urge you to LTB, and quickly. But these things can take time, and for some people, they sort of have to get used to the idea before they can act on it.

Agree with the previous poster who said the therapist saying maybe you should think about leaving is akin to anyone else saying 'run for the hills'.

Also agree you mustn't listen to your mother, but yes, try and confide in a good real life friend. Maybe think about making a plan to leave, even if that plan takes a couple of years to execute. I do so hope you can see your way through this, with help from those around you.

Thankyou all of you for your kind words. I can't tell you what a relief it is to get this off my chest. However, it's hard not to cry at the thought that a group of strangers now know more about my life than my nearest and dearest.

I think the main reason I can't find the courage to leave is the fact that I didn't have a happy childhood and I desperately wanted to create this for my children. I have let them down because I knew a few weeks before I married my husband that he wasn't the person that I thought he was, but I was too cowardly to call it off.

Also, last night he looked me in the eye and told me that he would probably commit suicide if he was ever in a position where he had to live alone. This followed on from a conversation about someone I knew who lived alone in a cold flat and I felt sorry for her. Do you think he suspects that I may be thinking of leaving and that's why he said that?

There have also been stories in the news where abusive, controlling and depressed men have taken their own lives and those of their children as well. I don't know whether he would be capable of something like this or not, but I am absolutely petrified at that thought and would gladly stick with him for another 25 years rather than risk losing my lovely DD's

You have not let them down, their father has by his abuse shown towards their mother. His mother is just as barking and your own mother was no better either in your own childhood. Small wonder you ended up with someone like your H; your mother basically trained you to do so and you've basically gone from one abuser to another.

There have indeed been cases in the paper of the sort you cite but such suicide murder cases are actually very rare.

Such abusive men like your H who threaten to take their own lives more often than not do not; it is done to keep their victim in the hole dug for them. Its often used by such abusive men, its one of their many weapons in their own arsenal of abuse. Abuse is about power and control.

Your DDs won't thank you for staying with someone like this and perhaps will wonder why you chose to do so if you did. They may well think that in doing so you put him before them during their own childhoods and adolescence.

They need positive role models and certainly do not need to see an abusive man of a father in their lives. How would you feel if either one of them went on to model a marriage like yours, you'd be devastated but currently you are showing them that on some level, this treatment of you is acceptable to you.

Perish the thought as well of even spending another 25 seconds with your H, let alone another 25 years!. No, no and no again!!!.

I would also think that your anxiety disorder would actually improve markedly if you were able to free yourself of him too. Pound to a penny that he has also laid the foundations in you having this in the first place.

It is extremely rare for a father to murder a child to get back at their mother/wife. But it's very common for abusive arseholes to pull the "suicide" threat. It's in the script love. Can you call WA and leave another message? They are bloody marvellous but they are busy... call again.

And tell a friend IRL - don't assume everyone is in a perfect marriage. And actually - so what if they are? Doesn't mean they won't care and won't support you. In fact, perhaps a friend in a perfect marriage will be more shocked, and have more mental capacity to support you anyway!

Good luck - he sounds awful :(

I think you need to contact the Women's Shelter and Domestic Abuse worker or whoever ASAP. I would also make sure you are writing down everything that is happening and has happened with dates and times because your fear and his gaslighting are going to make you doubt your sanity. He definitely is picking up on you withdrawing emotionally. You thought you could trust him and then realised again that you couldn't - that's devastating to you and I'm sure he has noticed you are quieter, or sadder or all the normal human reactions to being treated like crap and manipulated.

Protect yourself and your children, don't let his threats (and veiled threats) change your mind about what you have to do.

It sounds like both of you have had an obsession with seeming perfect to the outside world. Most people are suspicious when someone acts like and claims like their whole life is perfect - it immediately seems fake. As other people have said I doubt that everyone around you is oblivious to the "unrealness" at the heart of your marriage.

You need to find a safe person to confide with IRL - quickly.

I hope, in response to his 'suicide threat' you pointed him towards the paracetamol. Wouldn't want him pulling a muscle trying to find them, would we?

As said above, it's all part of the script. You don't have to endure another 25 minutes with this man, never mind 25 years. Womens Aid is a great resource.

Thanks once again, everyone.

I will ring WA again tomorrow. The stress of carrying this knowledge round with me is slowly destroying me.

I know this will sound so weak, pathetic and ridiculous, but I also have quite a comfortable life with my abusive husband. He doesn't try and stop me from spending money, he doesn't seem to mind. Also, after years of sulking and moodiness, he has resigned himself to the fact that I do go out to meet friends from time to time and seems to have now accepted that. Sometimes he does really kind things, like de-ices the car for me if he knows I have to go out early. When I flick through photo albums we look like the happiest family ever. If ever there was a crisis, I would ring him immediately. I actually think he enjoys being 'the knight in shining armour' because it makes him feel powerful and myself subordinate to him.

Does anyone else share this experience of an abuser being incredibly kind and considerate for long periods?

OP, in my experience, an abusive partner threatens suicide because they want to retain control of their partner. They don't threaten suicide because they're actually so distressed that they're going to do it.

You have not let your children down. You are not splitting up the family. He is. If he were a decent husband this wouldn't be happening.

Please consider telling someone in real life what he is really like. I think you'll be surprised by his/her positive response.

Never confuse 'absence of abuse' for 'kindness'. If the best you can say about him is that he de-ices your car and doesn't withhold money - in most healthy relationships those are givens that aren't worth a mention.

If you are able to and it is safe for you to do so, ring them today.

You do realise of course that the only acceptable level of abuse within any sort of relationship is NONE. That's right, none.

Abusers are not actually nasty all the time; if they were no woman would ever want any sort of a relationship with him. He can and has done nice/nasty very well but its a continuous cycle and one that you have been trapped in (your mother started off that process of abusing you and he has continued with this) for far too many years. He has and continues to abuse and gaslight you; he has chucked out your possessions and he claims to have no idea where they have gone. He knows all too well.

De-icing your car is a gesture, its not him going above and beyond in terms of human kindness here.

Your children know all too well also how abusive their dad is even if they cannot openly express it. They are frightened of him and they do not want to see you upset. My guess that your children are very quiet at home particularly when he is about. They also see how you are around him and learn from you as well.

You probably did think of him as a "knight in shining armour" when you met him because you were in a bad place yourself. This person is actually anything but. He will only be "happy" when he has completely destroyed you and by turn his children.

Cogito - I think this is the crux of the problem. He was my first 'proper' long term relationship. My entire adult life has been spent with him and so I don't actually know what a proper normal, healthy relationship is like. I sometimes observe other couples on the rare occasions that we go out together, and I'm always struck by how relaxed and easy they are in each others presence. I never feel like that.

I thought you actually met him when you were young and thus had no real life experience behind you.

I think you still do not know what a normal and healthy relationship is like because your mother was herself abusive and from that you in turn went onto marry an abusive man. He was the first person to actually show you any interest, you were targeted.

It's fairly standard for abusive men to be kind and considerate for periods: if they were unremittingly awful of course they would never get anyone to stay with them. At the same time no-one's just one thing, and abusive people can have their sentimental side.

I wonder if your idea of 'really kind' is now skewed though, because I think it's fairly normal in a marriage to de-ice the car for your partner or be there in a crisis?

Being allowed out to see friends only from 'time to time' does not strike me as 'comfortable', and I don't think any amount of spending money could compensate for the controls you have to live with. I wonder if you have got so used to your cage you end up thinking - well, the gilding on the bars is nice...?

My take on a proper normal healthy relationship is that you are relaxed and feel able to be yourself. You feel loved... very important... and that's because you feel you matter, your opinions are respected, you're shown affection, kindness and you prefer being together because it's a safe and kind place to be. If you disagree on something it's resolved amicably rather than descending into battles, sniping or the silent treatment.

In an unhealthy relationship you don't feel loved or relaxed, simply tolerated under certain conditions. You prefer being alone and your heart sinks when you hear his key in the lock or see his car outside the house. You attach a lot of meaning to small kindnesses because you're always on the back foot, walking on eggshells and never feeling quite good enough.

Oh lots of xposts..

To go back to your earlier point OP:

I think the main reason I can't find the courage to leave is the fact that I didn't have a happy childhood and I desperately wanted to create this for my children.

You can't create a happy childhood with an abusive man & unhappy wife. And you won't create an unhappy one by leaving the source of the problem. You can't control his behaviour nor what your children are witness too & they will internalise the dynamics between you & your H, and reproduce them in their own relationships. So it's in your children's best interest for you to leave.

Like someone else said, I think you need to contact wa again.
Your current situation of walking on eggshells and constant anxiety is not good for you or ultimately your children.

I have to say, that yes, from what you have written, it is possible that your husband would hurt himself, and your DDs. I dont normally think that, but going by his behaviour, I personally would say that that is possible in your case.
I think you need some good advice about it all from wa.