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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Want to win DP back - please help if you can.

43 replies

sadandneedingadvice · 20/11/2013 10:32

Hi All. Am a regular but have NC for this in case anyone knows me irl. Sorry this is so long - really hope some of you make it to the end.

My DP of 2 years ended things with me last night. It came as a real shock so I didn't really say anything and he did it quite coldly (did do it in person but literally came round, said his piece, told me there was nothing I could say to change his mind and then left immediately (very unlike him he is usually very caring and affectionate) - in total he was at mine for just 10 mins) so I had no time to process it. Although I barely slept all night I just felt numb and my first instinct (I think to protect myself as I have become extremely low after a break-up in the past) was just to accept his decision, remove everything from my flat that reminded me of him, delete his number, his texts and his emails and tell my close friends so that I could start to move on as quickly as possible.

However, the numb feeling has now worn off and I am devestated. I love him, want to be with him forever and want to try anything I can to win him back.

The reasons he gave for ending it are firstly, that he feels we don't have enough in common (his main example of this was that he is fitness-obsessed and goes to the gym six days a week and I only go twice and am not that interested), secondly that whilst I went away on two 10-week long business trips in the summer (during which we emailed/texted non-stop and skyped twice a week) although he missed me, he got used to doing things without me and being more independent and, finally, that he had been really upset about some comments I had made in an argument we had about money a couple of weeks ago and couldn't get over them.

As background, we have had a wonderful relationship in general - only had about 4 arguments in the two years together which we have made up a couple of days later through reasonable discussions, it was a healthy relationship ie no possessiveness/ jealousy/abuse, there was great chemistry and we each got on well with each other's friends and families. I just cannot understand why he would want to/how he could just end it all so easily. Personally I think the 'not much in common' point is a non-point and I am happy to make more of an effort /go to the gym with him and discuss/watch sports a lot more if he feels he needs that in the relationship. I am very surprised about his comment on independence as we were actually quite independent as a couple anyway (didn't live together, often went on nights out with just 'the girls' or 'the boys' without each other, had separate hobbies and careers). Finally, I feel extremely guilty about the mean comments I made (I made a mistake about him and accused him of something) and have apologised a few times. I want to make it up to him and show him how sorry I am if he gives me a chance.

Sorry this has been so long but I didn't want to leave anything out. Of course it is his right to break up with me if he wants and I will just have to accept it and move on if he won't change his mind but I know I would always regret it if I just let him go without trying to save things. I'm trying to hold things together for now for work today, but am just devastated and would really really appreciate any advice that anyone has.

OP posts:
Original poster
sadandneedingadvice · 20/11/2013 13:13

anyone?

OP posts:
CoffeeTea103 · 20/11/2013 14:26

Sorry you are going through this. I think you maybe need to accept his decision. The gym issue is really an excuse, how would going to the gym be a basis for a relationship? He hasn't even given you the option to work on the relationship yet made this decision.

He might have gotten too independent while you have been away and had time to assess the relationship.

It is hard to accept when a relationship is over, we all know how that feels. But if someone can walk away from you without even giving it a chance, it shows he is not truly committed to you.

Lweji · 20/11/2013 14:39

I think you do have to accept it. Sorry.

If the comments were that bad, I'd have been reassessing the relationship as well. The fact is that you have made them and sometimes it is extremely difficult to get past something like that.

You have already apologised, so there's not much you can do besides that. Do not lower yourself by chasing him. You might end up in a position of trying to please him on account of that mistake and who knows where that would lead.

Take it as a life lesson and move on.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/11/2013 14:44

Never beg someone to come back. If it worked, the resulting relationship would be very unequal. Sorry.

RockPaperScissorsLizardSpock · 20/11/2013 14:46

I think he sounds sure of what he wants and I don't think you will be able to 'win' him back, I'm sorry.

It's not easy, especially if you did not think there was an issue with your relationship but if this is how he feels, you cannot change that.

I hope you can move forward quickly x

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight · 20/11/2013 14:47

He did it coldly and matter of factly. This means he's thought about and planned it, and has had time to accept his own decision and move on. Cruel really, but the dumper has this 'bonus' and the dumpee does not.

Agree with others to take it as a life lesson and move on. You may well be sad for a while but don't chase him, he's not worth it if he couldn't bring himself to discuss his feelings with you.

On a side note.. Asshole you're better off without him, lol.. Thanks

LaurieFairyCake · 20/11/2013 14:48

I hate to be blunt but he's just not that into you (for whatever reason)

I don't think his reasons are enough to dump someone you've been with for two years unless you're really trying to say that it's not for you.

I'm very sorry you're so upset but you don't want to chase someone who's not that into you - it's demeaning and you deserve more.

DontmindifIdo · 20/11/2013 14:52

you need to accept it is over.

If you "win" him back, what you will have won is a relationship where will spend the rest of your life on the back foot, not sure if he is planning on sticking around, knowing that actually, he doesn't love you.

grieve for this relationship, go out with your girlfiends and start planning life without him.

Twinklestein · 20/11/2013 15:01

It may be that it's the very independence within the relationship that he found difficult. Some people like to have a partner who's always around, not someone who can clearly do very well without them.

Two 10 week trips means you were away for a total of 5 months over a 2 year relationship, which is quite a lot.

As he ended it in a matter of fact way, it sounds like he's thought it through and processed it already, so I doubt there's any way back.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 20/11/2013 15:20

He may have brooded on these points for some time. I am sorry you are hurting. If you have mutual friends you could tell them how disappointed you are he has decided to call it a day, in the hope it will get back to him. Other than that I think you have to accept this is how he feels and don't prolong the pain by trying to win him back.

Hissy · 20/11/2013 15:26

Trying to 'Win Him Back' is a short cut to destruction of your soul love.

Let him miss you if anything, get on with your life, shrug it off and show him you're fine. THAT'S more likely to have an effect.

TBH, he's not good enough for you. That was a pile of crap he served you and you know it. My initial thoughts were on reading it, that he's got someone else.

Sorry. Chip up chuck, please don't let him get to you?

ccsays · 20/11/2013 15:31

Agree with everyone else. The matter of fact way he told you and then quickly left means he's thought it through and is very sure of his decision. The 'we don't have enough in common thing' is bull. Plus if you did get back together, you would be in edge all the time. And who wants that from a relationship?

My advice would be, get a good friend round, cry, eat some shitty food, drink lots of wine, cry some more, chuck his stuff out and move on.

DeMaz · 20/11/2013 15:34

Sounds like there is someone else on the scene. Be prepared for it!

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 20/11/2013 15:42

Aw, you sound sad.

Let it go, there's nothing you can do. You can't change someone's mind.

His reasons are small reasons but they are all part of the thing that you have to accept - he wants out.

Sorry op. there'll be others for you.

ChooChooLaverne · 20/11/2013 15:43

Sorry you're feeling so sad about this. It does sound like possibly he's given you a load of excuses but for whatever reason (and perhaps he has met someone else) he has made up his mind.

This - 'told me there was nothing I could say to change his mind' means you have to accept it's over. He's basically told you not to try and do anything to try and win him back so you would be daft to try and would just lose your self-respect in the process.

A shitty way to end it though so you're bound to be upset and in shock. Look after yourself.

LittlePeaPod · 20/11/2013 15:52

Op my heart goes out to you. The end of a relationship is awful but I agree with those saying you may need to accept this. This has clearly come out of the blue for you and its understandable that you are in shock and disbelief.

It's so hard walking away from someone you still love and often we can't help but fantasises that things will somehow work out and you will get back together if only you work on it (try and fix the things he says caused the break up etc.). But, ultimately for a relationship to work both people have to want it to work. He seems to have made a decision that breaking up is the right thing for him. Trying to convince him otherwise will simply delay your healing process. Maybe you need to consider how you help yourself move on from this.

I really wish you well Op and so sorry you are going through this. Flowers

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 20/11/2013 15:55

Sad You dont want someone who doesnt want you, i know it hurts like hell right now, but you will move on, you gotta be kind to yourself.

tummybummer · 20/11/2013 16:05

I agree - these are the kind of limp reasons that someone gives when they have another reason for wanting to end it, i.e. someone else. I am so sorry that you are hurting, but don't want you to be unprepared or to try to win him back when he's already moved on.

Phalenopsis · 20/11/2013 16:08

The reasons he gave for ending it are firstly, that he feels we don't have enough in common (his main example of this was that he is fitness-obsessed and goes to the gym six days a week and I only go twice and am not that interested), secondly that whilst I went away on two 10-week long business trips in the summer (during which we emailed/texted non-stop and skyped twice a week) although he missed me, he got used to doing things without me and being more independent and, finally, that he had been really upset about some comments I had made in an argument we had about money a couple of weeks ago and couldn't get over them.

As blunt as this is, these are not reasons for breaking up with someone. These are reasons for telling someone you are breaking up with them.

I've clung on in the past, tried to win them back and even now I can feel a warm glow about my cheeks. If he doesn't want you then you have tyo accept it. If he has made a mistake, then let him do the running. Either way go n/c and try and get on with the rest of your life.

Original poster
sadandneedingadvice · 20/11/2013 16:33

Thank you everyone for your advice, even though it has been incredibly difficult to read. I will just have to accept it and move on, as you say, although the pain is unbearable. The last thing I want is to prolong the pain or to look like an idiot to him.

I know time is a healer but what exactly are you supposed to do in the meantime until you have healed?! Not sure I can go through months of crying at work like this.

I have a close friend coming round this evening so hopefully she will be able to help me feel better.

Thanks again everyone - I really needed some words of wisdom. I think I will print this off and keep it to read when I am feeling unsure.

OP posts:
SweetSeraphim · 20/11/2013 16:37

Awww sweetheart Thanks

It WILL get better, I promise. You need to keep busy, try and distract yourself as much as possible. And if you can, delete his number from your phone.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 20/11/2013 16:40

Sad You deserve so much more than a man who gives such pathetic reasons to end a relationship.

Take this as time to make you happy, exploring yourself more.

Theres more to life than hanging onto a man.

akawisey · 20/11/2013 16:57

My advice would be yy to friends, wine, junk food, anything for a short while.

Also, DO NOT ask mutual mates about him or allow gossip about him to come your way. You're likely to hear stuff which will hurt while you're coming to terms with it. Rant about him for a bit, yes. But then stop, put on a brave face and get back out there.

Twinklestein · 20/11/2013 17:20

You need Cake Biscuit Wine shit tv & friends. It will get better xx

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 20/11/2013 17:28

Maybe an out of season long weekend break soon with some girlfriends? A holiday booking for next Spring?

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