Want to win DP back - please help if you can.

[sadandneedingadvice]

Hi All. Am a regular but have NC for this in case anyone knows me irl. Sorry this is so long - really hope some of you make it to the end.

My DP of 2 years ended things with me last night. It came as a real shock so I didn't really say anything and he did it quite coldly (did do it in person but literally came round, said his piece, told me there was nothing I could say to change his mind and then left immediately (very unlike him he is usually very caring and affectionate) - in total he was at mine for just 10 mins) so I had no time to process it. Although I barely slept all night I just felt numb and my first instinct (I think to protect myself as I have become extremely low after a break-up in the past) was just to accept his decision, remove everything from my flat that reminded me of him, delete his number, his texts and his emails and tell my close friends so that I could start to move on as quickly as possible.

However, the numb feeling has now worn off and I am devestated. I love him, want to be with him forever and want to try anything I can to win him back.

The reasons he gave for ending it are firstly, that he feels we don't have enough in common (his main example of this was that he is fitness-obsessed and goes to the gym six days a week and I only go twice and am not that interested), secondly that whilst I went away on two 10-week long business trips in the summer (during which we emailed/texted non-stop and skyped twice a week) although he missed me, he got used to doing things without me and being more independent and, finally, that he had been really upset about some comments I had made in an argument we had about money a couple of weeks ago and couldn't get over them.

As background, we have had a wonderful relationship in general - only had about 4 arguments in the two years together which we have made up a couple of days later through reasonable discussions, it was a healthy relationship ie no possessiveness/ jealousy/abuse, there was great chemistry and we each got on well with each other's friends and families. I just cannot understand why he would want to/how he could just end it all so easily. Personally I think the 'not much in common' point is a non-point and I am happy to make more of an effort /go to the gym with him and discuss/watch sports a lot more if he feels he needs that in the relationship. I am very surprised about his comment on independence as we were actually quite independent as a couple anyway (didn't live together, often went on nights out with just 'the girls' or 'the boys' without each other, had separate hobbies and careers). Finally, I feel extremely guilty about the mean comments I made (I made a mistake about him and accused him of something) and have apologised a few times. I want to make it up to him and show him how sorry I am if he gives me a chance.

Sorry this has been so long but I didn't want to leave anything out. Of course it is his right to break up with me if he wants and I will just have to accept it and move on if he won't change his mind but I know I would always regret it if I just let him go without trying to save things. I'm trying to hold things together for now for work today, but am just devastated and would really really appreciate any advice that anyone has.

No he is definitely wanting to end it so trying to win him back will only make you feel worse so don't go there! It's not about what you may have said during an argument so don't cling on to that a a reason or that you don't have enough in common - he clearly does not see a future with you and yes don't be surprised if there is AW on the scene. I am sorry, I know it must be hard but two years is not as bad as 20 and carry on doing what you are doing, remove all traces, shore up your friends and get on with the next chapter in your life, you will be fine and probably look back in a few months time and see things completely differently. It's not nice but it's a fact of life, we are all dumped and dump on at some point in our lives.

Agree with all the above but have an extra point:

You say you would change to fit in with his interests ie the gym. You have said you're actually not that into the gym. Here's the thing never, ever try to change yourself for a man. Why would you? It's fake. It's perfectly normal to have different interests. I have been married for 24 years. He loves golf, football and skiing. I love reading, swimming and art. We both love each other.

Just be yourself. Take care.

One day , you'll look back on this and be thankful that he finished it because , although you can't see it now, he's given you the opportunity to find a man who loves you !

I think there is someone else on the scene. If a relationship isn't working out you can say so, and it kindly. He's taken what appear to be random things he doesn't like about the relationship, served them up in 10 mins flat and left. That has an air of devalue and dump about it.

Don't try to win this man back, you deserve someone to truly love you OP. And mean it.
Wine, cake and anything else that comforts is in order...

*and say it kindly

Doesn't sound like this Narcissus needs anyone else.

Seems like you're well rid..

Oh you poor thing. The painof a broken heart is truly crippling

I think you have to accept it though. You an't make someone love you or want to be with you. And would you really want to be with someone with you under sufference? You would be constantly worrying about when / if he was ging to change his mind again.

You poor thing. I really feel for you

Why change just to suit him? It'll only make you unhappy in the long run. He has his reasons for finishing with you and I think you should leave him be.
You need to forget about winning him back because you can very easily look like a dick trying and come across as being obsessed. It's time to get on with your life and start looking forward and find someone even better. I know it's hard but you'll get through it. Good luck op.

Sounds like he is using excuses to end the relationship, like the gym one for instance, it's utter ridick. Anyway he probably felt when you were away he didn't miss you or his feelings for you have changed, either way you must accept his decision and move on. Why would you want to win him back when he doesn't want to be with you in the first place. Accept it, respect his decision and find someone who isn't as obsessed with the gym as he is.

I know everyone is piling in to support the OP, but people should remember the impact their words have on others. Specifically those who struggle to give themselves permission to leave a relationship that isn't good enough.

This man did nothing wrong so there is no point slinging around words like narcissist. After two years they hadn't made any commitment to each other. Clearly the relationship wasn't working for him and he is entitled to walk away. This will be painful as hell for the OP but she will get over it and it will be much better for her to be in a relationship that is working.

And stated "reasons" shouldn't be analysed and OP certainly shouldn't adapt herself to 'fix' them. Ultimately we all find it difficult to just tell someone we don't want to be with the any more. The mere act of feeling it is justification enough but people tend to feel the need to dress it up in rational reasons. But you do not need to persuade anyone you're breaking up with them.

Honey, you won't go through months of crying like this at work.

In a few days things will be just that little bit less painful, and each day it will get easier.

I agree with to the teeth.

I've dumped people with the 'its not working' line and when pushed for reasons did offer up some twaddle like this.

But You don't need 'good reasons' if you feel its finished.

It's tough tho, I know. You'll go on to bigger and better things/men op.

He's way more likely to come back if you forget him and move on, lie well, have fun, show him what he's missing. He won't come back if you beg.

OP I had a similar break up once, even down to the out of the blue and quick fire dumping. To say I was shocked and devastated was an understatement.
I did try to win him back, I asked him to meet to talk and dressed up to the nines, we kept talking and eventually started "seeing each other" again. But it was never the same, he never fully committed and his heart wasn't in it, I mean while tried my damnedest to be the girl of his dreams.
It was on and off for YEARS, it was ultimately soul destroying.

Eventually one day I grew up realised that if I was the girl of his dreams and we were meant to be together then it wouldn't be that hard, and in the process I realised he wasn't the man of my dreams and fighting for the relationship had been a gut reaction to the shock of losing it which had then become habit that went on too long.

Please for your own sake, carry on moving on and going cold turkey with the NC, if he suddenly thinks he's made a huge mistake and comes back, then to get back together is your decision and if not (more likely) then you can take the next few weeks to nurse your broken heart and then start the New Year with a fresh out look ready for new things.

You'll get through it because you'll get through it. It's a grieving process like any other and everyone copes differently. Distraction is the name of the game. I always advise people to keep as busy as possible and be with people that love them and make them feel better. Allow as little 'down-time' as possible so that you're not constantly mulling over sad thoughts. The tears will still be there but less frequent and less acute as time goes by. Eventually, one day, you'll realise you haven't thought about him at all for a while.

Good luck

It's vile I know but I agree his reasons are just excuses.
The only way now is to remain dignified and move on.
Get you mates around and keep busy, plan a holiday or something to look forward to.
I think if you actually did want to "win him back" getting in without him would be the only thing to do.
Hopefully if he does come crawling back then you will have moved on sufficiently to give him the brush off and don't forget to use the same sorry arse excuses s he's done!
Good luck, be over him before you know it.

Agree with teeth here

While it is understandable people here want to offer support to the OP going down the road of smearing this man with derogatory insults and suggesting there is another women involved is a bit cheap.

Breaking up with someone can be very difficult and unpleasant, yes he probably had time to think about it and make absolutely sure he was making the right decision, and when he decided to proceed with that decision he wanted to make the break as clean as possible. He probably did not want to get drawn into a long emotional discussion that offered unrealistic hope to the OP about a possible reconciliation. Painful though it is, the OP can start the healing process now rather than several weeks down the line after umpteen additional ‘talks’.

Also, why are his reasons for breaking up rubbish? If he feels that the two of them don’t have much in common than he is entirely within his rights to think that, he does not owe her a relationship. I dare say there are probably a whole raft of reasons why he is ending things, but you don’t generally form a bullet point list and read out to an already shell shocked ex, well you could, but what would that achieve apart from making someone feel even more crap about themselves.