I think this is a very long rambling post but I just have to let it out

[blissa]

Need to ramble as I just keep asking myself wtf?

I split with my dp over 3 years ago, we'd been together 12 years and have 3 dc. My decision due to his lack of support, putting his job before his family and lots of other reasons. he has found it difficult and has always wanted us to try again. The physical side of our relationship is very very important to him, not so to me folllowing a health scare and termination before we split. I am terrified of getting pregnant and will do anything to prevent it ( I was awake during the termination) I know this is my psychological problem. We have been trying more lately and have decided to try counselling, having had one consultation session.

I have recently started an exercise class and (d)p agreed to look after the dc (at my house, he has no fixed abode where the dc can go) last week there were lots of comments about me going with my village idiot friends before I went. Something I have come to ignore. We did sleep together when I got home last week and it felt ok. It hasn't happened since but there have been lots of remarks of his wishes for it happen again, although this does happen most days.

Tonight I asked if he'd be able to look after the dc again so I could go to my class. That was fine. He came round before I left and was Very touchy feely and I made it clear that he couldn't expect that to happen every week. I left for the class and everything seemed ok. The class is for an hour and then we go for a quick drink to undo our good work!

Tonight's class has made my legs ache really bad. When I walked in he asked how it was and I said it was good but my legs really hurt more than last week. His reply "you don't have to pretend just cos you don't want to have sex"

I said I wasn't and went on to explain what we had done and there was lots of face pulling and I was told I was stupid to expect it not to hurt ( I didn't ) and remarks made about going to the pub. He also made remarks about some of the things we did in the class. He left telling me I could nurse myself and seemed to be very off with me.

So I am left thinking wtf? I asked him why he had to think that way? Why does everything have to be related to sex? I don't get it, did I do something wrong? I understand he is very frustrated, our situation has been going on for a long time now and it is no good for any of us, especially the dc, that is why I suggested the counselling, we can't do this on our own.

Writing it down it seems very trivial, there is lots more that has gone on in the past but I have waffled on far too much. I'm not looking for answers I just needed to get it out, if you have read all this then thank you.

Why exactly are you trying again?
And why are you having sex with him while deciding if you want to go back together again or not?
And why are you putting up with his demands, ill treatment of you, and entitled attitude?

Why not send him packing right now?
What gives you any inkling that getting back together might work this time, apart from his finding the separation difficult and wanting to try to get back together?
What do you want?

He really doesn't sound like he us trying in any way to get back with you, or be Even nice to you let alone loving and/or supportive.

I'm not at all surprised you aren't attracted to someone who behaves like this.

How does it feel reading your pits back OP?

Post! Not pits (phone/fat thumb)

You made it very clear there wouldn't be a repeat of last week. He chose to ignore it, to sneer at you - basically have a tantrum because you didnt want to have sex.

Well, in my book, I want to have sex with someone who is nice to me, cares about me, responsible, sensible, mature. I'm turned off by tantrums, irresponsibility (if he was wedded to his work, how come he can't afford his own place now?), stupidity and immaturity. I'm guessing you are too. I don't want to have sex with someone who doesn't care about me - or cares about themself first and foremost.

Sounds like you feel guilty that you left him. Don't. You don't need to. You made that decision or good reason. Dragging this out is not good for the kids, you say. Please shit or get off the pot, for their sake.

OR get to counselling (alone) and work all this out with a counsellor. In the meantime, get him to back right off - not nice, not nasty: straight. Don't bother wrangling with him.

You said you didn't want advice. Sorry!

Thank you for your replies and direct advice! I'm wide awake at stupid o'clock

Springyticky you have hit the nail on the head, I feel very guilty for being the one who instigated the split, always have. I feel like I should be with the father of my children, and that I should try harder to make it work. Sometimes I think it can, but then when he behaves like this I see him for the manchild he is.

We are not very good at communicating and I find it very hard to talk to him and tell him how his comments make me feel, this is one of the reasons I suggested counselling. I avoid confrontation with him as in the past it would fall on
deaf ears or I would be told to F off. I still do things to make him happy ( though it's not enough).

When we went to the consultation I was able to say a lot infront him and I spoke about the pressure I feel for the
physical side and my need for more support with the dc. He was better for a couple of days but has slipped back.

He could afford his own place but chooses not to as he says he is saving for a deposit and doesn't want to throw his money away renting. I guess I facilitate this by allowing him to see the kids here and he usually has dinner whilst here. I think I'd think more of him if he'd rented a place so he could have his children regularly and took on the responsibilities of being an adult, I sorted out everything when we were together dc, house, bills etc.

Reading this back I sound really pathetic, I wish I could be more assertive with him. You asked what I want Lweji and my answer is I don't really know. I want my kids to be happy, I want to be happy. In an ideal world we'd all be together but we can't be the way things are. I don't know how to fix it or even if I can.

Becool I guess if I was reading my op as someone else, I'd be saying the same as you all. I just dont understand him, how someone can think the way he does.

I don't think you sound pathetic. He does!

Take back some control. Lose the guilt. Have the counselling.
Remember you are not responsible for him.
You split up for a reason.
Don't keep sleeping with him. It really messes with the boundaries.
I don't mean to sound harsh but you need to see the light!

You have left him but he continues to abuse you. Don't stand for it!

Stop letting him mess you about like this: the two of you are not a couple any more and he is refusing to accept that. Stop having sex. Stop engaging in his childishness. Don't converse with him any more than is necessary and tell him that if he continues to grope you then he will no longer be allowed over the threshold.

And forget "trying again" ... WTF for?

I agree that having sex is confusing everything and sending extremely mixed signals. How can he take you seriously if you tell him he doesn't care about you if then you're willing to sleep with him anyway? I suppose it's a symptom of the fact that you don't really know what you want. The fact that he hasn't found his own place (where does he sleep at night? On a park bench?) says to me he is not taking too seriously your claim that the relationship is over. Not suggesting you are responsible for him or his behavior but that you do not have clear boundaries as ihatethecold already stated.

You do need to figure out what you want, are still getting some kind of talk therapy?

I really don't think you have a communication problem. You have a bastard problem.
No wonder you can't explain your feelings. He doesn't seem to want to understand you. It's all about him.

Yes, stop the guilt. You did the right thing for you and your children given his behaviour. But it will only really have an effect if you do break it off for good

If there was any chance at a reconciliation, it should be after he has shown you how changed he is. At least consistently for a year. No sex, no joint counselling, no cost visits. Even so, I'm not sure I'd trust it was a real change. Abusers can keep an act for a while until they feel safe.
That's what's happening here. You gave him a chance. He thought he was in and he's abusing you again already. This your answer from him. "if you let me I'll abuse you again"

Sorry I was so direct. I'm really angry on your behalf.
Do what's best for you and your DC. I don't think your healthy options include this so called man, though.

Ups, no cosy visits.

If you're split.. split properly. Stop with this half-way house rubbish. If he has no fixed abode and that means he can't see the kids, he sees them outside your home the way many other dads do. If you keep inviting him in to play Happy Families out of misplaced guilt or because you're lonely, you'll never get shot & you'll never move on. It's not 'for the kids'. What confusing message and false hopes the kids are getting from this bizarre situation one can only imagine.

OP this sounds like boundary issues.

You need to stop sleeping with him, and to stop allowing him access to DC in your house. As cog says, many parents see their DC outside the home, it is his choice not to have a fixed abode.

I reckon he thinks he can pressurize you into taking him back, and on reading your posts I can see why he would think that.

Time to make a clean break of it?

I really don't think you have a communication problem. You have a bastard problem.

Best. Line. EVER!

And so true.

If you want to know "what you did wrong", IMO it was to sleep with him last week, albeit I'm sure for what you thought were good reasons. If you're not getting back together, and I seriously recommend you don't, it is much kinder to stop giving out false hope. But anyway, no he's not a nice man, he's playing you like a violin, he needs to have a regular arrangement for seeing his children that doesn't either confuse them or give him a chance to nose into your private life. Which, after all, is your life now, not his. Get that? It's your life. (Because honestly, I don't think you have quite got your head into that space at the moment. Understandably perhaps - but it's more than time you did after three years.)

Oh, and stop feeding the man, he's a grown-up, he can afford meals.

You said it seems trivial, but it's playing on your mind. As everyone else has said, it is complicated because he's an Ex with Benefits.

Don't muddy the situation by having sex with him. That's a declaration you still have a bond and trust him. If he pressures you to have sex I wouldn't ask him to have care of the DCs to help out. If he sees them it should be precisely that, see them for their own sakes. If you're terrified of falling pregnant again, don't sleep with him. The physical side of a relationship is important but when the relationship has already broken down then it's scratching an itch. And makes it less likely you'll embark on any new attachment.

Very bluntly OP by not discouraging him what's in it for you? From his POV you are a source of sex and meals and your DCs' home is where he can pull your puppet strings. He tells you he won't waste money renting, is he really saving for his own place or just counting the days 'til he is tucked up with you again?

As Cogito says it will confuse your DCs and you did the right thing before, please stop and think. Christmas is next month and I predict he'll be pulling out every emotional trick in the book.

I simply had to let go of trying to understand XP.

If he wants to be a "man of mystery" with his family fuck him - go elsewhere and be a man of mystery. I want a man of substance - someone who I could communicate with openly and reasonably. I never thought we had to agree on everything, but we had to agree to talk things through. Not be silent and moody. I'm not a bloody mind reader. XP is not Steve McQueen in a 60's film.

I bet there is a long list of possible "reasons" and "excuses" your XP is an arse that you have pondered at great length in order to understand him: troubled upbringing, hurt before, family issues etc etc etc. None of it helps.

Essentially the only thing you need to understand is he is a grown up, he make decisions and HE CHOOSES HIS BEHAVIOUR. Whatever the reason, he isn't controlled and driven by mysterious external forces - he is choosing to be like he is.

You can just accept that! Stop driving yourself mad trying to understand the "why" - just understand it is what it is. Accept that right now and feel the freedom that comes with that acceptance.

Wow some very direct replies, lots to think about. Lots of what you all say is what I think already. Although I am quite shocked as I wouldn't have associated the word abuse with his behaviour.

I know the situation is confusing for the kids, that is something I spoke strongly about at the consultation. I hate that this is affecting them and probably shaping the way
they view relationships. At the same time I feel guilty for the fact that Daddy doesn't live here, they know I asked him to leave. His refusal to get somewhere suitable to live is something that has frustrated me for a long time. I don't want to say where he sleeps as I'm worried what I have already posted makes me quite identifiable, but I can say it isn't a park bench! I did used to ask other people to look after the children, but stopped after he had a go one day saying he should be the first port of call. Ideally Id like him to have a suitable place and to have the children on a regular, consistent basis so that we all knew where we are but he refuses to do that. I know I am to blame for allowing him the time here but I have never wanted to come between him seeing his dc.

I realise that sleeping with him is not the right thing, I have continuously rebuffed him over the past few years. Honestly I did it for him, as fucked up as that may sound. I know how he must feel being constantly rejected. As I said sex is very important to him and was during our relationship and I did get to the stage of doing just to keep a happy medium. I am not good with boundaries, my friend tell me I am a pleaser. Lately have really started to feel that he has no respect for me and sometimes I see that in our eldest dc too which makes me so sad.

I guess my plan was to give the counselling a go and to see where it leads us. In some way I think I need it to validate how I see things and how his behaviour makes me feel. I accept a lot of the way he is towards me as 'its just him' i guess, i have done for a long time, we met when i was 17, i dont know any different. I know this cannot go on but I can't seem to find it inside me to tell him to get lost, I keep thinking I'll reach my breaking point and snap but it doesn't happen. The guilt of splitting up my family, maling him leave our home is always there.

I still do things to make him happy ( though it's not enough).

He is the father of your children and always will be. That doesn't confer automatic rights with regard to you. He doesn't get to treat you as he pleases. Of course your eldest will see how Dad treats you and follow suit. Disrepect, belittling. That is what this role model is teaching him/her. Monkey see, monkey do.

Your ex didn't like you standing up for yourself, taking a decision. He still doesn't. It's just him. Well, how about being bold and deciding, no thanks, you can choose not to go along meekly with what he wants. Three years on and you still want to make it up to him because you were unhappy at the way he treated you and wanted to exercise your right to stop the roundabout and get off. That doesn't make sense.

It doesn't make any sense, you're right. I wish I could just say to him that he had his chance, he fucked it up, goodbye. But something stops me. I feel selfish sometimes too, was it so bad that i couldn't live with it, its my happiness against 4 other peoples. Maybe thats wring but atm its how i am thinking. I guess that's the point of this rambling, to help sort things out in my head and gain others perspectives.

Feeling selfishness & guilty about asserting yourself, and being too wound up with people-pleasing is all part and parcel of the same thing i.e. low self-esteem.

It's another reason why you have to put distance between you and work hard to build your confidence. Emotional bullies will use low self-esteem as an entry-wound. They'll worry away at it... piling on the guilt, making you out to be selfish, tugging at your feelings of inadequacy and pity. It's controlling and it's damaging.

That's interesting Cogito, I would never have described myself as having low self-esteem. I think I'm a nice person, work hard and care about others, though I do lack self confidence at times, assertiveness and decisiveness at times. I also care a lot (too much?) about what others think, and am always prepared to put other people above myself, even in work.

Good idea to thrash it out on here. When you're 'in the moment' it's harder to keep it clear in your head when someone is face to face. If he has a tendency to talk over you or just blot out what you say then naturally it won't come easy to defy him stand your ground.

Plus if you have been with him since 17 you probably started off complying early on - I don't necessarily mean he was always the dominant partner - so it feels unnatural to go against him.

I know how he must feel being constantly rejected.

Of course he's constantly rejected. You have split up. Sex should not enter the equation at this time, even if you were considering getting back together.
If he pesters you, you can consider it as sexual harassment and report it to the police if he doesn't stop his advances/pestering.

I do think you need to go very limited contact (e-mail and text) until some proper boundaries are established, at least.
The children must see him away from your house. They will deal better with a clear, defined, situation.
If he has no place to have them, they must be cared for by others.

Besides, your children won't be happy with an abusive person in the house. He's bound to do it to them too, they are receptors of the moods at home. They will have picked up on the atmosphere at home.
With him gone, they can have a sanctuary to go to.
Him still being around only makes things worse.
It's not really for you, but your whole family.

I'm not sure how I find the courage to do that though that's the problem. I need to grow a pair, but how? I don't want to hurt him especially where now I have made this situation where he has hope things will work out.

Another thing I struggle with is thinking about whether he consciously behaves the way he does to make me feel or do what I do. How can someone mean to be that way towards the person they claim to love, or if he doesn't really love me shy stick around all this time?