I think this is a very long rambling post but I just have to let it out

[blissa]

Need to ramble as I just keep asking myself wtf?

I split with my dp over 3 years ago, we'd been together 12 years and have 3 dc. My decision due to his lack of support, putting his job before his family and lots of other reasons. he has found it difficult and has always wanted us to try again. The physical side of our relationship is very very important to him, not so to me folllowing a health scare and termination before we split. I am terrified of getting pregnant and will do anything to prevent it ( I was awake during the termination) I know this is my psychological problem. We have been trying more lately and have decided to try counselling, having had one consultation session.

I have recently started an exercise class and (d)p agreed to look after the dc (at my house, he has no fixed abode where the dc can go) last week there were lots of comments about me going with my village idiot friends before I went. Something I have come to ignore. We did sleep together when I got home last week and it felt ok. It hasn't happened since but there have been lots of remarks of his wishes for it happen again, although this does happen most days.

Tonight I asked if he'd be able to look after the dc again so I could go to my class. That was fine. He came round before I left and was Very touchy feely and I made it clear that he couldn't expect that to happen every week. I left for the class and everything seemed ok. The class is for an hour and then we go for a quick drink to undo our good work!

Tonight's class has made my legs ache really bad. When I walked in he asked how it was and I said it was good but my legs really hurt more than last week. His reply "you don't have to pretend just cos you don't want to have sex"

I said I wasn't and went on to explain what we had done and there was lots of face pulling and I was told I was stupid to expect it not to hurt ( I didn't ) and remarks made about going to the pub. He also made remarks about some of the things we did in the class. He left telling me I could nurse myself and seemed to be very off with me.

So I am left thinking wtf? I asked him why he had to think that way? Why does everything have to be related to sex? I don't get it, did I do something wrong? I understand he is very frustrated, our situation has been going on for a long time now and it is no good for any of us, especially the dc, that is why I suggested the counselling, we can't do this on our own.

Writing it down it seems very trivial, there is lots more that has gone on in the past but I have waffled on far too much. I'm not looking for answers I just needed to get it out, if you have read all this then thank you.

Does he work, does he have friends, does he have family? Maybe it's habit - you are there, he doesn't have to look far for company, he won't accept you challenged him. Not to be crude but if he still pursues you, he is marking his territory.

He works for himself, long hours, physical work. He has a large family and spends a lot of time with his father through work. Friends have dropped off along the way but he still has one or two. He doesn't really go out socialising, saying he'd rather spend time with us, which is ironic as when he lived here he'd rather be out anywhere except home

Forget trying to understand him, or figuring out if he means it or not.
The point is that he does it.

And as much as you feel sorry for him, he doesn't for you. That is what you should have in mind.

YOu don't want him is the bottom line. He had his chance, as you said, and he blew it. I doubt you would have left the marriage easily.

Has he not bought a home because he thinks he can wear you down and move back in cosy-like? a warm home is not to be sniffed at, I'm not surprised he prefers it to the potential dreariness of living alone. But what about you and what you want? It's your home, your sanctuary. You don't want him in it. You have already made that clear.

You know already that he doesn't care about you, he's just using you for an easy life. I don't know how to put this without it sounding too blunt, but you are harming your children by dragging it on like this. They're getting allsorts of messages that are not good - not least, that a pest gets his way (think about the implications for your daughters and for your sons of that...). The best thing you can do for them is make a clear decision. You know what you want that decision to be.

Too bad if he refuses to regular, deliniated contact with the dc. Get a lawyer onto it and get a court order in place, specifying contact times. If he doesn't stick to it, he loses it. It's as simple as that.

Too bad if sex is important to him. It's important to me but I don't force myself on people as if I have some kind of right. I'm very sad to hear you're having sex with him because you feel sorry for him - what about you? It's just horrible to think of you doing that when you don't want to. It's your body, value it.

Too bad that he doesn't accept your relationship is finished - it is, and that's that. Too bad. Your kids are learning that a mother's feelings are not important - you say that your eldest are already showing signs of learned behaviour ie that mum isn't important.

Please do something now. Have a look at codependency to get some clarity around finding it hard to put your needs first, or even to consider your needs. Go along to the meetings - you will meet people who struggle with similar things, not least setting boundaries; which in itself is a huge help that you're not the only one (by a long chalk!)

Thank you for the link, I've had a quick look and recognise some personality traits in me and him! I will have a proper look later when the dc are in bed.

Thank you for all of your opinions and advice, some of it has been very hard to read, but it has not fallen on deaf ears. I have a lot to think about.

I'm feeling pretty emotional tonight, I am tired as I didn't sleep much last night and the dc have been playing up this evening. I recognise that some of their behaviour may be due to confusion, I know I have to do something. I have hidden myself away in a hot bath as the youngest 2 have seen me crying.

I keep reading over all the posts, I'm still digesting it

OP you're a lone parent now. An independent woman. The days of putting other people first have to be consigned to the bad old days. Your needs & wishes are top priority with your DCs a close second... and I put it that way round deliberately because they rely on you to be firing on all cylinders. You can't afford to have anyone in the picture that threatens your well-being and self-esteem - includes work incidentally.

It's going to feel selfish at first if you're not used to it but it's vital to be in control of your own life.

Here is a good book about boundaries. It is a christian author but don't let that put you off (if indeed it does put you off...) because it is generally a well-respected book.

Hope you get a good sleep tonight lovely.

Thank you all.

My evening last night ended with a very big wake up call. The kids were playing up big time and during speaking to them the conversation turned and they opened up a lot about how things are.

The 2 main points were that they have over heard us arguing and that it scares them also that they are very worried and unsettled about him not having a proper place to live and not having regular days when they know they will see them. It was hard, lots was said with lots of questions I couldn't answer properly "but why did you kick Daddy out Mummy?"

I hate what this has done/ is doing to them and that they are so anxious. I have rung him and hes on his way over, I'm going to talk to him because I will not let this carry on like this for sake of our dc.

We've spoken, he's gone off to pick dc up from school.

I told him what I spoke about with dc last night and how they are worried, confused and anxious.

He is refusing to find somewhere to live. He says he doesn't want to waste money renting or move in with his mum even though I repeatedly said how this would ease some of dc anxiety.

I said about having more fixed contact instead of just coming over whenever and about keeping the children and our relationship completely separate.

He didn't take it well, he says I am trying to distance myself from him but using this as a nicer way to to it. It'd not that. In my head if he had somewhere to live he could have the dc at agreed times and then we would focus on whether we can sort our relationship out with counselling etc all away from the kids.

He doesn't seem to get it. He said it seems that he has to do everything to keep everyone else happy.

I have told him I am serious and that he has to take me seriously and that things have to change. I reminded him that at the consultation the guy asked what had changed in the period since we broke up and we both said nothing... So how if it didn't work then would it work now if nothing has changed?

I can only hope he will think through and see where I am coming from

How's he sacrificing his own happiness at the cost of everyone else's when he suits himself and won't compromise for you or DCs? No matter how martyred he portrays himself to the rest of the world, you know the truth. Well done putting your point across. If nothing has changed in his outlook and he is just waiting for the green light to move back in you will be no better off than when you parted 3 years' ago. In fact worse because he will make you pay for that period.

I guess he feels that it's my doing that he's in this situation. He says that he lost everything and from his point of view I technically made him homeless and yet now I'm telling him he should get somewhere to live.

He says he's quite happy with how he lives, he's used to it and doesn't see why he should pay out for somewhere on someone else's say so, even if it is what would be best for his dc

Very frustrating and hard to understand

he says I am trying to distance myself from him by using this as a nicer way to do it

Well, no. You're not 'trying' to distance yourself from him, you distanced yourself from him when you left him. Can;t get more distant than that. Yet he goes on and on not accepting it, saying you're 'trying' to distance yourself from him, used your achey legs to get out of sex. What part of 'no' doesn't he understand? All of it by the sound of it.

Practise saying no in the mirror. No. No. No. NO.

HOnestly, I think you're wasting your breath/energy. He wants what he wants and he's ignoring anything else that conflicts with what he wants.

Time for you to step up and protect the kids. Are they the right age for a HV? (sorry, I forget when HVs end) I would get some advice about what to do if his abode is not suitable for contact and also to get rigid contact times drawn up.

Lovely, please don't wait for him to 'see' it. He has no intention of seeing it. You're going to have to do it, enforce it; whether he bellyaches or not (which he very probably will).

Ugh, tell him to fuck off and arrange fixed contact times via a solicitor.

All this "not wasting money on somewhere to live"? Fuck that. What a catch. I bet he sleeps in his work van and when not, he is your cock lodger. Does he like to have a shower as well as sleep at your place too? Why are you paying for that if he won't. Is he as tight as he sounds or generous? It really doesn't sound like he has much going for him; he must be fantastic in bed.

Listen to what he is telling you. He won't get somewhere to live even though he knows that would be best for the dcs. He does not CARE about what is best for them and certainly doesn't care about what you want. He wants back in because that is best for him.

Why would you want to be with a man who doesn't care for you or your children?

Your post earlier about sacrificing your happiness for four other people - I tried that, for similar reasons. Got back together with stbxh, desperate to make it work, it was worse than ever, and harder to split again. And, although my eldest wouldn't agree, splitting was certainly for the best for the dc and for me.

He has told the dcs you kicked him out because he knows they will guilt trip you unawares. Don't be manipulated. Get to the couples counselling, but go alone until you have worked out what you want. They can help you negotiate a better contact schedule where the children's father is seeing them outside of your home.

I find it so hard to comprehend that he wouldn't do something for the good of the dc. Part of me still wants to think he'll think about it and see sense when he's calmed down.

The youngest is 8 so no hv. But I really do feel stronger about protecting the kids and I guess that if he can't do that I have my answer.

Everything is always about him, and yes he sometimes does grab a shower whilst he's here. He is not tight with money, he is crap at managing it though. I think he thinks that you can throw money at things to make up for lacking
in other areas.

Why am I was ready to give him the benefit of the doubt? I can't understand how some one can tell someone they love them and yet behave the way he does?

How did you explain splitting up to the DCs when it first happened? Have you revised it in an age appropriate way as they've got older? Living together made you unhappy, I imagine it wasn't a snap decision. Don't let him whitewash his part in it. He acts as if it's just a matter of time until you fold and put out the welcome mat. Maybe you still yourself hope that could happen in time? I understand when there are children involved it's not as easy as slamming a door shut and saying well that's the last you'll see of him. The DCs have a right to see him, he should contribute financially to their maintenance. He may or may not have family that the DCs forged bonds with they want to still see.

My concern is, he doesn't sound like he's changed. His unhappiness now if that's how you read it shouldn't outweigh your unhappiness back then. If you never felt the desire to date anyone else or start afresh with someone new it doesn't mean that he's the only man for you. More likely you needed time apart to get your confidence back and gather strength. If he is monitoring your actions and perpetually encroaching on your space and arriving when he pleases, no wonder you feel 'guilty' and for the DCs' sakes, required to be receptive. In fact he could take the DCs out and stick to fixed times but chooses not to.

You have the right to change your mind btw. Maybe you did slip up by having sex with him, through a misguided belief that his 'needs' are more important than yours ( ) but you have the right to change your mind. And not be called on it.

He is exploiting your boundaries, not least because they have been very lax. Tighten up your boundaries - read books, go on courses, get counselling (NOT with him!! He will only exploit you in counselling). Do what it takes to start recognising you are a separate entity (to him and to other people) and it is your right, and your job, to protect you and yours.

He refuses to commit himself to a rental agreement because he thinks he will have his feet back under your table any day soon. And tbh, he pretty much already has the way things are now.

You are not "separated" at all. He just does the dad bit when he feels like it (but none of the shitwork), gets a nice meal, an occasional shag, his laundry done ?, no responsibilities, the opportunity to romance other attractive ladies etc etc

That's pretty much some men's idea of a perfect relationship, and you are handing it all to him on a plate.

We've heard about what you have done for him. Put it another way. Just what has he done for you?

The initial split wasn't handled at all well. I had been unhappy for a long time and his behaviour was increasingly unbareable. I hadn't made up my mind and was thinking through when one night he pushed the issue. It all came out of the blue. I hadn't told him how I was feeling as I didn't see any point. As for telling the dc, that was left to me and I wad told to make sure they knew it was my decision. Looking back now I think I'd reached my breaking point, I couldn't tolerate it any more and I went along with it and did as I was told. Pathetic.

I told the dc that mummy and daddy weren't happy any more and that he wasn't going to live with us anymore but that he'd always be there daddy, he'd still see them lots and he'd always love them. It was awful. But then the next day he came over and we all played a game together. Bizarre.

I told him then my need for space but he never respected that, something I spoke about in counselling.

I do have issues with boundaries, amongst other things it seems. In my head I'm a strong, independent woman but when it comes to him I'm not.

As for what he does for me, I will have to think on that. He does support his dc financially and has always done so. He also helps me out if needed, for example minor repairs on my car.

Thank you for your input, it is helping to open my eyes.

ok, that was your practise run, now you can do it properly!

I'm sure it's not easy to enforce boundaries when 1. you haven't recognised that you have boundaries, therefore haven't enforced boundaries; and 2. he doesn't recognise your boundaries (maybe in part because you don't?) and trashes your boundaries as a matter of course.

It does seem you've been waiting for him to respect your boundaries - but imo he's not going to unless you enforce them. I doubt he'll respect them even then, but you have a right to enforce them and insist they are respecting, using any means necessary to enforce them (eg the law). You don't want to be married to him, have him in your house, coming and going when he pleases, putting pressure on you to cave in - and that's that. You don't even have to justify what you want, it's entirely your right to enforce what you do and don't want in your life wrt to him.

Something that helped me to understand boundaries: a drawing of a house with a fence around it. You are the owner of the house, and it is your right to decide who comes within the fence, the front door, etc. Which is a good picture for you because it is literally your house boundaries that he currently disrespecting!

that picture also applies to your emotional boundaries btw. But for now, enforce it around your physical boundaries. Don't listen to him bellyaching - which he will; simply repeat what you do and don't want. (I say 'simply' but I appreciate it's not simple when you first start doing it!) Keep it short: statements. YOu don't have to appeal to him, and you certainly don't need to feel guilty for protecting yourself.