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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I leave him when I love him so much?

30 replies

MichelleRouxJnr · 19/11/2013 23:50

I've been with DP 14 years. He's a wonderful, lovely, kind man.
But he doesn't love me.
I've known this for a few years and put up with it.
He's completely indifferent to me - has no interest whatsoever in me or us.
We haven't had sex in almost 2 years.
We are best friends and enjoy spending time together but I miss and need affection and intimacy.
Last week I was off work sick for 4 days with a rotten cold and laryngitis (sp) and he didn't so much as make me a cup of tea.
If I try to talk to him he is defensive "Oh bad me didn't get you a hot water bottle I'm so sorry" type response.
I know I need to leave him and find real love in a proper relationship, but how can I walk away? I love him so much.
I've tried and tried to talk it out but he just gets defensive.
I can't remember the last time he did or said anything loving.
I just don't know what to do.
It seems so petty to be complaining about nothing but I am bereft at the thought of not being with him 24/7 but I feel so unhappy and he is so unhappy but won't admit it.
He would never agree to counselling. I know he will say "well leave then. If I'm that awful you should just go"
Please reassure me that I will get over missing him and not being with him and giving up my 14 years just because he doesn't talk to me/hug me/ love me.

OP posts:
ivegotaniphone · 20/11/2013 00:02

I don't understand why you describe him as kind and lovely when he sounds nothing of the sort. Not where you are concerned anyway.

ivegotaniphone · 20/11/2013 00:03

"I can't remember the last time he did or said anything loving". There's your answer.

Original poster
MichelleRouxJnr · 20/11/2013 00:06

Thank you ivegotaniphone
Because in so many ways he is.
And everyone who knows him thinks he's lovely. I know if I leave him I'll be seen as an awful person to hurt lovely J in this way.
He's lovely in that he's never been abusive or anything like that.
He just doesn't love me and his hurtful behaviour is more about what he doesn't do than what he does do.

OP posts:
tribpot · 20/11/2013 00:09

Giving up what 14 years? Presumably a few of them were nice early on, but this sounds lousy.

I think you need to look at why you're prepared to put up with so little. He's been ignoring your needs and you've done the same to yourself. I don't think you would accept the meagre crumbs he chooses to throw at you if you valued yourself as you should.

Spend the time you're currently wasting on a dead relationship to cherish yourself. You deserve more than this.

Original poster
MichelleRouxJnr · 20/11/2013 00:10

But I look at him sleeping tonight and I cry for what we used to have.
We went through 4 unsuccessful IVFs and it just killed us.
But he won't talk about it.
Has just distanced himself and gone into a sad bubble that I can't get through.
I picture myself sitting alone in a flat missing him, but my friend who I confided in counsells me to get out and try to get happy again.
I just wish he loved me still but he doesn't.

OP posts:
Squidwardtenticles · 20/11/2013 00:12

I feel your pain Michelle. I'm going through kind of the same thing. Thanks

Heathbaby · 20/11/2013 00:13

I agree with tribpot - don't settle for this, you're missing out. Why don't you see a counsellor with the aim of understanding how you feel,and the reasons for your decisions, rather than how he feels/ acts/ doesn't? You sound very nice and you also sound like you're ready for a change, but scared. Things will get better if you accept that your future doesn't depend on him. Best wishes.

Original poster
MichelleRouxJnr · 20/11/2013 00:15

Thank you tribpot I know you're right.
Really squid? How are you dealing with it?

OP posts:
Original poster
MichelleRouxJnr · 20/11/2013 00:15

Thank you Heathbaby that's really kind.

OP posts:
S4r4h54321 · 20/11/2013 00:38

My husband told me he didn't love me and I was devastated. My situation is different he was loving and caring once and he had another woman and a breakdown when he became a total butt hole. But the answer to the question about will you get over it, yes you will, it hurts like hell but you will

Lweji · 20/11/2013 00:44

You could try to have some alone time, a trial separation and see how you feel.

Somehow it feels better to be alone, than lonely in a relationship.
If you are ill and you make your own cup of tea because you are the only person in the house, it is not as bad as having someone there who won't even ask you if you want one.
A flat mate would certainly be kinder.

Why exactly do you love him? Is it him, or the idea of him, of what you wish he was?

Squidwardtenticles · 20/11/2013 00:44

To be honest i just cry a lot. My eyes are always puffy from the tears.
It's the constant rejection and if i ask for a peck i get told to move Sad

MistressDeeCee · 20/11/2013 01:55

OP, he's emotionally abusive. He knows how he is making you feel. What would you lose by leaving him, anyway? There's just nothing there. I do feel sorry as you still love him but, could you honestly live this way for another 14 years? Even if you're not going to leave him immediately, do have a backup plan. Even if that means getting new interests, friends etc. together with making sure you pamper and look after yourself. It could lead to building a new life for yourself - which you have to do, if someone doesnt want to make a go of life with you. Dont make him the centre of your world, when you're not the centre of his.

How pathetic of him, really..why on earth does he want to live like this and do NOTHING about it? Does he have no zest for life? He'll soon kill your spirit. Dont put yourself through it. But, take your time and think through what you want to do next.

bumbumsmummy · 20/11/2013 06:21

Try to look at this as a blessing disguise because at least you realise this now and not another 14 years down the line

Shift your focus onto you what do you want not even in your marriage but in yourself ? You have an opportunity to rediscover yourself seek some counselling grieve express your voice

When you feel strong enough then address your marriage.

It's hard infertility is bloody awful (been there done that) and it can eat away at your soul but nothing repairs it like finding yourself and giving your life new purpose

Good Luck

bragmatic · 20/11/2013 06:45

"He's lovely in that he's never been abusive or anything like that."

Is that your benchmark for 'loveliness'? Why don't you think you deserve more than that?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/11/2013 06:55

It's horrible when the love dies. It's not only horrible to be on the wrong end of a one-sided relationship, it's also very damaging to your health and self-esteem. If you haven't made your mind up yet, no-one can make it up for you. But when you do - and there will be some little thing that is the last straw - it will help if you can have a concrete exit plan.

Failing to see how a man that can't bring you a cup of tea when sick is 'wonderfully kind'. Presumably you mean 'wonderfully kind to others.... not to me'?

overmydeadbody · 20/11/2013 06:55

He is not lovely.

If you leave you will get over him. In fact, you may even realise that what you thought was 'love' that you felt for him was actually just familiarity and dependence. Real love is an action, and how can you be showing him real love when he is treating you so horribly?

You really do need to leave, and start your own life. In fact, both of you need to leave.

He is also being very cruel to stay with you when he doesn't love you. What is he staying for?

Squid you should leave too. You don't have to settle for this., crying every day.

overmydeadbody · 20/11/2013 06:58

You won't be seen as the awful person if you leave him. An you can both agree to tell friens an family that it was mutual.

wakemeupnow · 20/11/2013 07:10

You are looking to him for the love and affection that you deserve. I don't believe we can get this from someone else until we learn to truly love and respect ourselves.
I'm not saying that you shouldn't maybe leave him.

I would, however, get counselling for yourself ,to help process and deal with the disapointment and grief you have been through, before making major life changes.

When we learn to love ourselves then love naturally comes into our lives form those around us. Either things will improve with your Dh or you will move on and find new love.

From your post it seems that you are giving all your love away to Dh. Try to focus that love on yourself for a bit.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 20/11/2013 07:12

Kind and lovely ?

I shudder at what your definition of "cold and uncaring" is

Anniegetyourgun · 20/11/2013 09:49

Surely if you had a distant acquaintance who was suffering from a rotten cold and laryngitis you would make them a cup of tea, offer them a hot water bottle etc? Not because you love them, but because you're human and so are they. That the person you have lived with for 14 years should be so blind to common kindness, courtesy even, is pretty depressing. Make no mistake, this is not a kind man. Even if he can fake it for others. The fact he doesn't knock you about is, well, I suppose, good, but he doesn't deserve a massive amount of credit for it. The majority of men manage not to knock women about whether they love them or not. Sorry if that sounds a bit sarcastic, but really... you have to be worth more than this?

Armchair psychologist hat on: was your father emotionally distant?

Anniegetyourgun · 20/11/2013 09:51

(Sorry, dunno where the first ? came from.)

CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/11/2013 09:55

"When we learn to love ourselves then love naturally comes into our lives "

Only to a point. All the counselling, self-awareness and navel-gazing in the world won't counteract living with a miserable git. Hmm

BeCool · 20/11/2013 10:00

Last week I was off work sick for 4 days with a rotten cold and laryngitis (sp) and he didn't so much as make me a cup of tea.
^^ This is all I need to read. Think about all the people you know - how many of them would treat a friend, let alone a partner, or co-parent like this when they are sick.

^^ this is not kindness.
^^ this is "thank fuck she is bed ridden and can't talk - I can pretend she doesn't exist for a few days."

BeCool · 20/11/2013 10:05

LOVE is a VERB

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