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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How do I leave him when I love him so much?

30 replies

MichelleRouxJnr · 19/11/2013 23:50

I've been with DP 14 years. He's a wonderful, lovely, kind man.
But he doesn't love me.
I've known this for a few years and put up with it.
He's completely indifferent to me - has no interest whatsoever in me or us.
We haven't had sex in almost 2 years.
We are best friends and enjoy spending time together but I miss and need affection and intimacy.
Last week I was off work sick for 4 days with a rotten cold and laryngitis (sp) and he didn't so much as make me a cup of tea.
If I try to talk to him he is defensive "Oh bad me didn't get you a hot water bottle I'm so sorry" type response.
I know I need to leave him and find real love in a proper relationship, but how can I walk away? I love him so much.
I've tried and tried to talk it out but he just gets defensive.
I can't remember the last time he did or said anything loving.
I just don't know what to do.
It seems so petty to be complaining about nothing but I am bereft at the thought of not being with him 24/7 but I feel so unhappy and he is so unhappy but won't admit it.
He would never agree to counselling. I know he will say "well leave then. If I'm that awful you should just go"
Please reassure me that I will get over missing him and not being with him and giving up my 14 years just because he doesn't talk to me/hug me/ love me.

OP posts:
Jan45 · 20/11/2013 10:28

What is the point in staying together if he has made it clear he does not love you, set yourself free to meet a man who loves you completely, not as a convenient house mate.

You may find once you start living an independent life, he may have a lightbulb moment, either way, you need to get on with forging a life for yourself that does not include him, well not in any main way.

Poogate · 20/11/2013 11:22

I did this for nine years. I just couldn't find the strength to leave, but one day I woke up and just thought, I cannot do another nine years of this, it's such a waste of a life.

The day I left him I expected to feel utterly bereft, but actually I felt like a huge weight had been lifted and my self esteem soared because I had done something positive for myself and given myself hope. All the while you stay with him, your self esteem and pride rotting away, is another day lost to unhappiness.

Get out!

Seriously, I have been so happy and my life without the dead weight of my ex hanging around my neck has improved no end. I've had a few relationships since, some good, some average, but that's to be expected. I'm now with a gorgeous, kind, affectionate, warm and loving man who suits me and my needs a MILLION times more than my ex ever did. I feel happy about the future, something I never felt with my ex.

Leave, don't look back, don't doubt yourself, EVER, don't feel sorry for him, or worry about what people think, your relationship is nobody's business but yours.

Good luck

Poogate · 20/11/2013 11:24

And he's not 'lovely', anyone who doesn't care for someone when they are ill is a pig headed, selfish arse; stop seeing him through rose tinted glasses.

ShoeWhore · 20/11/2013 11:28

He's not kind or lovely OP.

Would you consider seeing a counsellor just yourself? It's so sad that you expect so little for yourself - maybe talking this all through with someone impartial would help you to see that you deserve more?

Because you definitely do deserve more.

HappyCliffmas · 20/11/2013 13:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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