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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Long Term Crush asked me out, should I say "No"

52 replies

LeMarmotte · 19/11/2013 23:36

Minor problem compared to many on here, so apologies for that.

But I've liked this guy for years. Couldn't understand why he didn't ask me out, as he kept flirting with me and there was chemistry (and he was single). A few hours ago, he asked me out (to go with him to his work Christmas night out, and describing it as a date). But I haven't replied yet, because I'm really pissed off with him (despite how much I like him).

Found out a couple of days ago that he had asked out my friend a few weeks back. And she said no. (she doesn't fancy him as she thinks he is too short and she doesn't like his hobby of salsa dancing).

Now I know I can't expect anything from him as we aren't going out, but it feels like a betrayal of some sort.

Plus, he asked out another of my friends last year (she also turned him down - she said he earns less money than her).

I haven't replied, and I know I'm cutting my nose off to spite my face, but I just feel so put off now.

OP posts:
crazyhead · 20/11/2013 13:27

Just go - it is only a date. What matters is how he treats you if and when you've committed to each other, not before when he was a free agent

KitZacJak · 20/11/2013 13:27

It's only a date. Just go, you might have fun, if not you can stop lusting after him and find someone else to lust after instead. He must think a lot of you to invite you to a work party.

HippyTea · 20/11/2013 15:04

You're insulting yourself OP. You seem to think you're last resort. Rate yourself a little higher than that kid

KatieScarlett2833 · 20/11/2013 15:13

No way would I settle for being third choice for ANY man.

HippyTea · 20/11/2013 15:22

But Katie people very rarely marry the first person they ask on a date Confused

KatieScarlett2833 · 20/11/2013 15:33

But this guy has known OP for a while, probably knows she fancies him and has only asked her out because Girl A and Girl B blew him out and he needs a date for his Xmas party.
OP fancies him rotten, to me he is throwing her a bone.

K8Middleton · 20/11/2013 15:35

Who are these friends? They sound very shallow.

Now if he'd asked three two people one after another and then op I'd say no way. But over several months? Why not?

And what is this waiting to be asked out business? This is the 21st century! This all sounds very lower fifth form to me...

Poogate · 20/11/2013 17:08

If he's only asking you because the others said no, then I would not go out with him, personally.

He sounds a childish asking you all out Hmm

longjane · 20/11/2013 17:09

Just go
stop thinking about it.

Joysmum · 20/11/2013 17:42

Me and my hubby were best mates before we hooked up. We were with others before each other and if we'd got shirty about that then we'd never have got together and be 19 years down the line be very happily married!

Go! It's only a party FFS. See if there's chemistry. If there is then you go out again, if there isn't then you'll have got over your crush. Win win Wink

SwishAndFlick · 20/11/2013 19:32

Go. If you hit it off thats great. If not at least you can get over your crush.

MadeMan · 20/11/2013 19:54

We are all second choices in a sense; unless the person asking you out has never asked anyone out, or had a relationship before.

Go out with him.

MajesticWhine · 20/11/2013 20:01

I would go. You might as well give it a chance. The worst that can happen is you don't like him and you don't have a good time. Then you'll know that it's not meant to be.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 20/11/2013 20:22

Yes, go. If you don't like him, well, Wink, maybe you will meet someone else at the party!

WeGotTheKrunk · 20/11/2013 21:12

Plus, he asked out another of my friends last year (she also turned him down - she said he earns less money than her).

Seriously though, you should go.

I know a guy who started hanging out with a girl because he really fancied her friend. He spent ages sniffing round the friend before he realised her mate was better.

He started going out with the '2nd choice' girl, soon fell in love with her, and now they're married. 2 kids and celebrating 10th wedding anniversary soon.

So do it. Go salsa dancing. Then come back here and tell us all about it afterwards

FluffyJumper · 20/11/2013 22:48

Are you worried that your friends will look down on you for taking on their cast off?

I could imagine how that would be a bit cringey, but frankly isn't worth worrying about if they're decent friends.

Original poster
LeMarmotte · 20/11/2013 23:39

I accepted (against my better judgement, I took the advice of the majority on here). Its not for another 4 weeks, so I'll have time to get over my p-eed-offfness. He hasn't texted back yet.

In answer to a few questions, I'm not bothered what my friends think, I hold him in high esteem and was surprised they turned him down. I don't think the reasons they gave were that important, it was more as if they were thinking of excuses because they didn't see him as boyfriend material. I think. Though tbh I don't like salsa dancing either, and thankfully its a traditional dinner dance, not a salsa party.

I have known him and he has been really flirty for about 3 years, and in my past experience, men ask you out when they are behaving like that, so I couldn't understand until now why he didn't. Recently, I've wondered if he was just messing me about a bit and likes attention off a lot of different women.

I wasn't passively waiting for him to ask me out, I've tried to ask him out twice before (OK I've not called it a date but I asked him if he would go and see a film with me and another thing) and got rebuffed. So I certainly wasn't going to ask him again!

I also found out that he actually went to his works Christmas party with my friend last year, and it was after that that she decided he wasn't for her, although she thought he was keen.

I really am feeling like third best though, and I'm not liking the way he has made me feel, despite being asked out.

OP posts:
MummyBeerest · 21/11/2013 06:17

It's definitely a shitty feeling. But you're not!

The more you describe, the more...awkward he seems?

2 friends agree he's not boyfriend material. Maybe you'll find out why then...?

antimatter · 21/11/2013 06:54

you may get over him after just one night Smile

SignoraStronza · 21/11/2013 21:49

Iwas invited to my secret crush's first wedding. He's now my husband! Of course, I now rib him mercilessly about not asking me out first (we were close but he'd been warned off me due to my supposed 'maneater' tendenciesGrin ) but it all worked out in the end.
Go for it. Life's too short.

Eastpoint · 22/11/2013 06:30

I've taken people I'm dating to work parties & taken male friends when I've been dating someone else.

It's one night & you want a date who isn't going to show you up by getting drunk, being rude to your work colleagues or behaving in some other inappropriate way.

If anything I'd say it wasn't a good place for a first date & that would be my worry, not much chance to talk to each surrounded by all his colleagues.

Valiant1 · 22/11/2013 08:56

I would go get him out of your system and move on Wink .

Livinginlimbo2 · 22/11/2013 23:39

I'd go and just think of it as an opportunity to have a fun night out. Ok so he didn't ask you first? Perhaps he was a little shy because he really likes you and was scared of being regected . Forget what your mates think of him. Go, have fun, who knows where it will all end.

MadeMan · 24/11/2013 12:19

He might have just been saving the best (you OP) 'til last.

50shadesofmeh · 24/11/2013 12:42

I'd go get over your crush ( by shagging him) and that will sort that out.