how do i get il's to help out at Christmas without causing offence?

[justmuckinwillyou]

my il's are pretty good really. nice and kind, but are probably quite self-centred if i'm honest. mil is really amazing, but she is elderly and i want her to have a relaxing Christmas and not have to worry about a thing.

my bil and sil come to visit about once a month and stay with mil, but come to ours for most meals so that mil doesn't have to cook / shop. happy to do this. we enjoy their company and they are the only family our kids see regularly. we get invited back once a year on average. also fine. we are quite a handful.

sil has asked what they can contribute for Christmas this year. They (bil, sil and mil) are staying for two days. she's thinking pudding / crackers but what i would really appreciate is just helping with the work load! help clear the table, clear up their stuff, make a cup of tea. this is what i do when i go to theirs. when i have asked them to help in the past it's been very half-hearted and short-lived.

so just for once given that she's asked, i'd like them to give me a bit of a hand.

how can i word it without causing issues and making them feel like this is what i'm always thinking (true )? i really don't want to cause any ill feeling. i'd actually rather they came and did nothing than not come at all.

so is it better to:

a) ask up front for a bit of help. maybe defined tasks that i can pretend are fun (setting table).

b) ask for help on the day.

c) just tell dh to sort his family out. (i will be strongly implicated. i know this from bitter experience.)

d) just suck it up

e) drink a bottle of gin and pass out.

e.

I would go with a. Say you need help more than crackers and cakes.

"Ooh, thanks, that would be lovely. What I really need is an extra pair of hands on the day, I can do the forward planning all right, but there's never enough time to get clear from one thing before it's time to get the kettle on, is there? So... how about you just bring yourselves and get stucj in on the day?"

yup - i guess it's blindingly obvious. but better said in person than in email to convey unstudied lightheartedness...

option e will be employed at some point. before or after they leave

I think you need to say "I'm fine for all the food things, but what I don't like about having people over is missing all the chat whilst I'm doing the preparing and clearing up - Do you think we could do some sort of a rota for the clearing/washing up, and maybe all pitch in together and have a bit of a veg peeling party on Christmas eve evening {or whatever you want them to do}"

If she doesn't 'see it' you have to be quite specific I suspect a bit like dealing with my teens.

a. every time. Adopt the persona of 'bright and breezy Mary Poppins'.... keep them busy with lots of little jobs. 'So your choice. Sprouts or spuds? Which do you fancy peeling?' Pour them a glass of wine at the same time and 'snap' the job's a game!!!

All together now!

Oh a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down, the medicine go dow-wown, medicine go down....

Do you do the majority of the work when you're at their house? Why, when they make virtually no effort at yours?

Could you ask them to bring some meals with them? For Xmas Eve or whatever, obviously not to reheat on Christmas Day, although they could still bring starters or puddings or something.

When my brother and SiL are back in the country for Xmas we have this complete rota thing going on as they both have enormous blended families to see so they have new guests literally every day. They would go out of their minds if they didn't insist that everyone:

• brings their own bedding and towels
• provides ingredients for and cooks at least one meal during the stay.

You are allocated your meal in advance and that's what you have to do. Even if it's pizza for 26 people (I can barely manage to cook for 2 people).

I'm not suggesting you adopt the highly regimenting process that my family does, but you could say 'it'd be fab if I didn't have to worry about Xmas Eve dinner at all, could you see to that and I'll get a chance to sit down or do last minute pressies or whatever?'

Put it that you want to make it easy for everyone and be organised so you'll be having a veg peeling/prepping session and it will be all hands on deck for clearing up and making drinks etc.

We've done that when we have had my family come. We had eight extra adults plus four extra children one year. I put boys on veg prepping while the girls tidied and organised and did table etc.

My problem is that two of my BILs think they are helping by giving stuff a quick wash rather than putting in the dishwasher but don't do it properly so I have to do again.

tribpot, i don't do more than they do when i go to theirs, i just help out. they are childless and i have a few so i am aware that it's quite hard going having us round, and try to ease things along. i try to do the majority of the kids' cleaning / tidying and will help with their food. i want the kids to have a good relationship and i think if i don't pull my weight then they will ask us even less often than the current once a year.

i come from a large family where everyone helps out. none of this sitting back and pleasing yourself stuff. i guess i'm just amazed that time after time they're quite happy to watch me run around like a blue-arsed fly.

i'm beginning to realise that it's not just christmas actually. that i'd like them to give me a hand all the time. they're not guests, they're family and the spoilt child act is beginning to wear very thin.

all for talking it through for me. it helps. there's no-one in rl i can really talk to without moaning.

I'd just say ' Thanks for the offer but you don't need to spend money what I would really appreciate if you don't mind is a bit of help getting things organised so I can have a semi-relaxing Christmas too ?'

how extraordinary that you have to ask them specifically

i love doing veg prep / making brandy butter / bread sauce / pigs in blankets all together while chatting and drinking wine!

yeah me too! it's part of the whole thing! I will definitely have a large pot of mulled wine on the go...

Some great suggestions here. The key is that now she has offered, you have a perfect foundation to ask for help. So definitely say that's what you'd like in response to her request now, but don't think that means that you can't bring it up again if, come the time, they just sit down - you can just ask directly. 'Ah, it's time for some helping out now - do you want to do X or Y?' And don't be afraid to tell people what you want - so with the BIL, if he goes to wash stuff quickly, say 'I really want them to have a good long wash this time so can you put them in the dishwasher for me please?' (I have this with my mum all the time, who says she will do the washing up to save me running the dishwasher and then does it in cold water, grr)

@Mellow... I think my DM and yours are from the same mould dishwasher-wise . "I'll just wash up these little bits and pieces, save you putting the dishwasher on". We've got Christmas at theirs this year, I'm cooking, and they don't own a dishwasher.

cogito if you're cooking you don't do the dishes --> thems the rulez!!!

I don't understand why you wouldn't automatically help anyway.

I would just say as we all want to enjoy christmas so can we all help with the boring bits. And if they don't help this year then it would be the last time I would invite them back.

Cogito my MIL has a dishwasher but we are not allowed to use it. It has never been used. She had it put in when she had her kitchen re done a couple of years ago.

Give each of them a little job to do - preparing veg (everyone can do a different veg) some do the table & crackers, someone else tidy or take the dog for a walk. Someone can be responsible for putting the kettle on or other drinks etc.

if you're doing starters then there's another job, as is loading the dishwasher and clearing away.

If everyone knows their little role before the day then they can just crack on and help without having to ask.

I wouldn't dream of going to anyone's for dinner and not helping or at least offering to help with some of it

They have asked so I would be honest. Say "Thanks for the offer of help. It's good to know that we can view Christmas as a team effort. What really helps is if I know that the table will be cleared, washing up done and sink cleared at the end of the meal. Or do you two want to cook on Xmas Eve and DH and I will do the clearing?"

And let them know that it is open house: if they want a cup of tea, here is the stuff- make it!

And then get your DH a part of your team. Get him to throroughly understand that it is also part of his responsibility. He can easliy say to his Sister or Brother (which ever is the blood relative) 'come on, shall we get on with the washing up?'. And do not jump up and do it. If you have cooked, go and sit down at the end of the meal.

Just don't do it. And tell your DH that if your BIL and SIL don't do their share, he will be the one to pick up the slack, not you.

Agree with all above, we have similar situation with relatives always seeming to come to us. I definitely now encourage everyone to muck in. Particularly with the clearing up.

Another thing, when someone brings the puddings I will say 'oh lovely, I'll let you serve your own course, that's such a help'. Otherwise they turn up with a couple of shop bought pudding and thrust them into your arms like you're supposed to be grateful. Then I do leave them to it, obviously showing them where everything is.

Also, can't your DH say to his sibling something like 'right x, shall we get these plates cleared to give y(you) a rest after that feast'?

They stay with you a lot so you must all know each other pretty well. Just make it casual.

I don't see why being hostess means you miss out on the nice things and lumber yourself with all the toil.

"Oh great well obviously I've got my hands full so if you and BIL take care of peeling the veggies the night before on Christmas Eve and keep everyone with hot and cold drinks on the Day itself, I can manage the bird and the oven timings, what goes on when".

Glad you started this thread, that reminds me must go and put on the sprouts so they're ready for 25th Dec.

How about allocating them one job for the day. In our house our kids are responsible for topping up drinks, one of us clears the table, one lays it, one fills the dishwasher, one empties it etc.

I think that your in laws might feel funny getting in the way in the kitchen (your domain) so how about setting up a drinks station/tea and coffee station in the living room. Ice bucket, mini fridge - something like that.

Ask them to be responsible for drinks, clearing away glasses. making tea/coffee. Basically make sure that the kids know that when they want a drink, it is nan and grandad they ask. Ditto everyone else.

If they have their own set responsibility they won't constantly asking questions about what they can do or where the cups go etc.

As far as wording it goes - just point out that you often feel so rushed on the day that you feel bad about not interacting with them as much as you would like. just this one small thing could make the world of difference. I bet they will be happy to help.

I agree with allocating specific jobs. I have some very well meaning relatives, and some pretty unhelpful ones. The year before I felt a bit that 2 of us (BIL and I) were doing too much of the cooking etc - we're the most confident cooks but I still don't want to be spending most of Christmas day cooking.

So last Christmas I made a clear list beforehand "Tasks that need doing" and got everyone (adults and children) to sign up to a couple of specific chores. Including aspects of the cooking - vegetable peeling and preparation, table setting, stuffing making, starter preparation.

It really helped.
Drinking so much you just don't care any more also helps, IMO.

Ask them to bring a panful of peeled spuds, a panful of peeled carrots, etc.

Other ways to draw them into kitchen is to ask advice, in a conspiratorial way, what do think of doing sauce this way? Enough salt? Taste this wine etc. What plates do you think we should have? If you can compliment them into the bargain it takes the heat off,eg I always loved your gravy, come and show me what you think I should do with this...

This way they may begin to feel more involved naturally and start pitching in without feeling ordered around.

Yep allocate jobs.

I adopt Cogito's Mary Poppins approach with visitors who are slow off the mark to assist with things.

'Would everybody like pudding or cheese first? Cheese? Great, x please can you clear the main course, y if you could take the empty bottles out that would be great, then we can all sit down.' blah, blah, blah.