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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

husband taking nude photos of me without my consent

72 replies

tomsmum08 · 19/11/2013 11:48

I've been married for ten years and have 7 yr old child. My husband hads always looked at porn, he's never admitted it but I've found photos on the computer. I've let it go as it's never caused a problem. I didn't like it but I could deal with it.

However last year I caught him taking photos of me in the shower. I didn't tell him i had seen him as I thought/ hoped he might tell me. He didn't. I saw the photos on the camera. They had been deleted the next time I looked. I felt sick and violated but somehow couldn't tell him I knew.

A few months later I was checking emails on his
phone and something made me look at his
photos. I found some taken of me, asleep on the sofa, photos of my cleavage. There was also
video footages of me getting undressed in the
bedroom the night before. Disgusted, I challenged him that night when he tried to initiate sex. We had big row, he promised the photos were not posted on the Internet, and thathe didn't kknow why he'd done it.
We agreed to try and move on, and he promised things would get better if I could learn to trust him again. Said he was sorry blah blah.....
Anyhow fast forwarded to now and I've just found some photos of me taken on our recent holiday, me asleep on the sunbed, photos of my bottom, and my breasts. I feel sick. I can't trust him anymore but I know he loves me. He's a great husband and dad in all other respects but I can't bear the thought of him touching me now. Don't know what to do.

OP posts:
tangogirl · 19/11/2013 12:28

He's not a horrible person. I don't hate him I'm just confused. He's a nice man, but I know he needs help.

QuintessentialShadows · 19/11/2013 12:28

Do you know if he has been photographing other people without their knowledge, or just you?

stranger111 · 19/11/2013 12:29

I'd back him into a corner and just say I have seen them posted online, etc try and get him to admit to things and get it all out in the open then go from there.

HighBrows · 19/11/2013 12:30

His actions should scream at you he is not a nice man.

You need to report this and get rid of him. Are you waiting for him to escalate things?

oldgrandmama · 19/11/2013 12:33

Oh, creepy ... and yes, I'm wondering if he's posted them online. And you say, in further post, that the porn he looks at is vile. OK, people have their fantasies but he's taking it too too far, photographing you sleeping and vulnerable. I think you have to have some serious thinking to do. I'm wondering if more knowledgeable MNetters know of anywhere that the OP can get good advice about this, i.e. what the hell is going on in her husband's head, and could it escalate? It does sound so horribly weird ... I'd be afraid to go asleep in the same house, to be honest, for fear of him snapping me with his phone/camera.

tracypenisbeaker · 19/11/2013 12:38

tangogirl You sound like a nice lady with low self esteem. Sad Not surprising, considering you've been treated like meat.

You may think he's a nice man, but honestly ask yourself- why would you do something that distresses the person you love? We all have our fantasies but when they affect other people negatively then that is what they should remain. As fantasies.

tracypenisbeaker · 19/11/2013 12:40

If he can't go through life without crossing that boundary then he has a real problem.

bragmatic · 19/11/2013 13:04

It would matter a great deal to me, Lweji. It would make the difference between possible reconciliation and no chance in hell of it. But I concede that it might not be relevant to the OP.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/11/2013 13:12

Do not let your heart rule your head here.

He is not a nice man and he won't seek help unless he himself wants it. You cannot influence that process.

BTW this is not so much about you as it is about him, he has a deeply rooted problem here perhaps going back into his teenage years.

He has already photographed you on more than one occasion and indeed he will do so again when the opportunity arises.

No trust - no relationship.

lulu1971 · 19/11/2013 14:19

Hello Tomsmum. I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. Some of the other posters have mentioned someone else not too long ago posting something similar. Well I am sad to say that it was me, although I think I name changed,but as it was 2 years ago almost to the day I can't find it on here anymore.

I don't usually post on here but when I saw yours I just couldn't run.

It was the most shocking and disturbing of discoveries when I was at my most vulnerable. I had just given birth to our son,my mother was on life support and I was trying to look after 2 older children and a 6 week old baby. I found out by sheer accident that he had taken some naked snaps of me, nothing vulgar or sexual, and he had posted them on a dating site, setting up a profile of me in the process. Basically he was talking utter filth to men, posing as me and getting some kind of kick out of it.

He made all the usual promises and offered profuse apologies, calling it a game! He said he would get help as his frequent use of porn and his interest in no strings sites has caused major problems in our relationship. All of which amounted to nothing.

Fast forward to now and I can honestly say the last 2 years with him have been hell. I don't want to upset you or scare you, but I've learnt that men who get their kicks by behaving this way have absolutely no understanding of boundaries. Nor do they think they are ever in the wrong. As long as they aren't physically having sex with someone else then it's fair game in their eyes.

Decent people who love care and respect their partners, don't set out to deceive them, hurt them and they wouldn't risk wrecking their relationship or family life.

Please don't sweep this under the carpet, dig deep and don't be fooled into thinking this is a one off as in my experience it never is.

In terms of finding out if the photos have been put on the internet try and access his emails and see if he has signed up to any sites where this stuff could be displayed. That's how I found out, when I happened to see an email to him from Zoosk to say they had removed photos from a profile as it broke their strict nudity rules! I didn't have to look too far to find out what had been going on. If you find anything you must print it and keep it somewhere safe.

I know only too well the awful feelings you are experiencing so take care, confide in someone you can trust and keep on posting here. You'll get some good sound advice. I received plenty but thought things could get better and so tried to put it all behind me. It hasn't worked and only now after 2 years of more heartache, abuse and lies have I had enough. I'm planning my future without him.

Take Care of yourself!

tracypenisbeaker · 19/11/2013 14:31

lulu1971 that is bloody awful. I hope you manage to get away. If you don't mind my asking, what is currently in your way?

lulu1971 · 19/11/2013 14:34

Sorry but wanted to add that you must find out if the photos have been put online somewhere as you never know whose hands they are going to fall into. If you know he's been looking at this stuff and possibly uploading your photos on your home computer I would unplug it take it out of the house and then confront him. I'd say that unless he is tells the truth you will send the computer to a techy who will be able to verify exactly what's been going on from the hard drive, temp files etc.

if evidence of this kind is found you can tell him that he will be in a awful lot of trouble with the Police as they are taking a very dim view of this kind of thing at the moment. I was told that at the time! but stupidly I never followed it through.

LEMisafucker · 19/11/2013 14:41

yuck - this would be a deal breaker for me.

I have no problem with my DP photographing/videoing me for sexual purposes, he does this sometimes but we delete the vids (usually because once the arousal has gone down we are like, WTF and fall about laughing) although he does have one of my breasts as my contact number on his phone Hmm Grin The difference being, I am aware and consenting to them. I don#t thnk i'd even object to something more candid camera type, so long a it was "look at this picture ive just taken of you" sort of thing, but hiding it from you - horrible. he has no respect for you.

lulu1971 · 19/11/2013 14:50

Tracy thanks for your comments. You asked what's stopping me leaving this god awful man. It boils down to many factors really. A desperate wish to make things good again and to ensure the children don't have to go through a break up and to a certain degree the fear of going it alone. I know it my heart what the only outcome of my situation will be as my breaking point with it is near.

What I can say about men who behave like this is they are very good at being very nice, if you see what I mean. So the good times can be terrific and you get lulled into a sense of security that all will be ok. Except for the fact they cannot keep the niceness up and so the cycle repeats itself.

There is a lot more than this to my story but I don't want to hijack this thread. Maybe I should start one of my own one day.

I hope the OP is ok and won't be fooled by this man. Reading her story has evoked all those feelings she described again.

AnyFuckersfrogslegs35 · 19/11/2013 16:34

A similar thing happened to a friend of mine.
She found photo's and video recordings her H had taken, nothing too bad at that point but she was angry and demanded he deleted them all.
He apologised and swore blind he'd get rid of them all and promised never to do it again.
Two years later she found a USB stick lying on the stairs, kids were too small to be using it so she knew it had to be his. Curiosity made her plug it into the computer and look - It resulted in divorce.

She found the original stuff he'd done plus loads more - on holidays, her in the bath, asleep naked, even when one of the kids was ill and lying beside her sleeping sick mother fucker
The worst - was he actually recorded himself wanking and finishing the deed on her - while she was sleeping. There was no going back for her.

OP what your H is doing is wrong on so many levels - please check all phones, video cams, etc... does your H have USB/memory sticks/discs that only he uses? Does he have his own log in for any shared computers, if his phone appears clean he's got to be storing them somewhere.

Loopyloulu · 19/11/2013 16:36

I'd leave.

I couldn't live with a man who did this to me.

lulu1971 · 20/11/2013 08:32

I hope you are ok today OP. I have been thinking about you wondering how you are doing!

DembaBa · 20/11/2013 08:38

Whatever he is doing with these photos is worrying enough (is he posting them on porn or dating sites?). But the main alarm bell ringing here is that he gets his kicks from a non-consensual sexual scenario.

I would view this man as dangerous and would ask him to leave the house immediately.

CherylB · 19/06/2014 08:23

I am sad to say I want to re open this thread. Last night during my sex I sensed my partner was doing something. I realised he had his camera in his hand. I was shocked and this morning feel violated. His reason for doing it was that we have had an on off sexual relationship for years as my libido is low for lots of reasons. He says he did it as it "as it has always been about me not other women in porn". He said he had only done it once but when I pushed he admitted twice. He swears he has not uploaded the pictures elsewhere. He says it is pictures not video. He says he did it to keep the memories of our previous more regular sexual relationship alive. A huge part of me feels so sad he had to do this. And I feel guilty. Another part feels violated and unsure how I will trust him going forward. Can anyone offer me any advice? Thank you

MissScatterbrain · 19/06/2014 08:38

Start your own thread and you will get advice for you.

CherylB · 19/06/2014 09:20

Thanks. I need to change my nickname....how do I do that?
Thanks

Jamie1981 · 19/06/2014 11:04

If he is uploading them, then it's a deal breaker and he's out the door.
However, if he's taking them for his own amusement, then i don't think its such a big issue. It's fair, i think, to say that this kind of porn normalises non-consensual sex, but i think it is also fair to say that 99% of people can differentiate between fantasy and reality and would never dream of acting something out in real life.

crispyporkbelly · 19/06/2014 11:10

I'd bet my house he's put them on a voyeur forum for others to see and share. It's very common. Search Voyeaur Forum and you'll be shocked.

Quitelikely · 19/06/2014 11:15

I think this is illegal. Your own husband is commiting crimes against you just wow. God knows what to do. I think he has issues around porn. Who else might he have done this to. Have you searched your room for secret cameras? Was he taking pics of other unsuspecting women on the beach?

kaykayblue · 19/06/2014 11:27

Okay, so firstly this is hugely fucking creepy. Sorry to say, but your husband is the sort of creep who takes "upskirt" pictures of people on the train as well. It's a creepy as fuck power trip. The fact that he has sworn he wouldn't do it again, and then broke his word is a huge issue here. You gave him another chance. He decided that his "right" to take creepy pictures of you was more important than his promise to you, and your absolute right to feel safe in your own goddamn home!

I would also point this out as well.

You are never, ever going to be able to have guests stay with you. Ever. Because if he's going to film YOU in the shower, you can guarantee he is going to film your sister in law, sister, best friend....anybody. And if that were to happen it WOULD be partially your fault for putting them in that situation.

Please leave - this is really, really worrying. He needs to get psychological help. Away from you.