cross cultural relationships; what are issues and how do you handle it?

[professorgrommit]

I have had two ltr one with japanese man for 10 years and one marriage (now divorce) with south american. There was another thread about handling the in laws in cross cultural relationships and I was wondering if anyone want to share from the dreadful to the funny?
I think for me funniest was mil thought I was not sexy or glam. No big boobs (mil suggests surgery and fed me fattening foods all the time) and too white (yes tanning suggested) and just a sad lack of leopard skin in my wardrobe. Her poor son!...
Sadest was asian mil (otherwise a very kind lady) who thought I had responsibility to care for elderly in laws and stopped us marrying because of it...
Worst was acceptance of dv as just what men do... Anyone one flying out of south america to the us may have seen the big sign at customs saying "drugs and beating your wife are crimes in the united states".

I'm from Lancashire and currently in a relationship with a Yorkshireman. I can deal with the eternal shame this has brought on my family but I've told him I'll only give up my cloth cap and whippet if he stops serving that bloody batter pudding with everything. Sorted.

Depends on the cultures and within that it depends on the individuals.

I am married to a man from Kenya. A Kikuyu. nearly 15 years now. There were some settling in issues some trivial and some so terribly serious that they made me miserable and some that have bog all to do with culture and everything to do with the two of us as individuals but we have mostly thrashed it out over time. He had some very old fashioned ideas about a woman's role. And he was alarmed to discover that he would come home to a whole load of shit if he decided to bugger off all day/overnight and not let me know what was happening. If he thought he could leave without a word and come home when he felt like it to a smiling wife and a hot stew and pile of chapatis, like his mates did, he had another think coming!

As to the inlaws, mine are MARVELOUS! I love my mother in law so much and my youngest sister in law is like my sister. They have all shown me so much love and have been very welcoming. I am shown great respect from all my neices and nephews, because there is much more emphasis on respecting your elders.

My mother in law is just the best woman in the world. She is so comforting. We don't speak the same language - or at least we didn't. She learned English for me! A woman then in her late 70s! How great is she?

Nobody I know has ever hit their wife and it would be considered by everyone I know to be an outrageous thing to do.

Do NOT dis the pud, Madam Cog, or I shall have to come round and bake you in one.

Im from sauf lundon innit. i don't have no truble wiv no cross nuffink. coz i no how to stop ovvers dissin me innit.

I wouldn' t call him "a boyfriend" but I did fancy a Vietnamese man. The biggest problem was being the walking ATM/ticket to the UK. I stopped talking to him after his mates kept asking me how much money I had and saying that they wanted him to find a rich wife....

Many Vietnamese men hit their wives/take a second wife/are lazy. As the wife you also have to take care of your inlaws and many times you live with your husbands family. It is still taboo to live with your boyfriend before marriage, so you don't really know what to expect.

Yes my japanese mil was a lovely person and very kind and welcoming but it was simply the expectation of a dil that she would take on such responsibilities and mil was worried about what would happen if I did not. I still see his family today and went out lat year for his dads memorial at her request and still see him and speak often. Maybe we are all sad it could not work out.
Exh from latin america was a different problem - big differences in expectations of a womans role. And of his and dv fine if you did not comply. Needless to say this only lasted 18 months.
(Btw sorry to see some ops want to make racist remarks here. What arses!)

It is a thread that invites racial generalisations, though isn't it? A lot of people have attitudinal problems with partners and in-laws but when you lob 'culture' into the mix as the reason for those problems it instantly becomes a comment on race.

Cognito; don't make excuses for your racism. You obviously have no experience of this so maybe you should not be on this thread.

My racism? That's a laugh for more reasons than you realise. You're the one stereotyping other cultures as expecting you to take care of in-laws and treat DV as 'just what men do'.

What? No. If you live abroad, you have to deal with things like this.

I love Vietnam, but people think very differently about certain things. People earn $100 on average per month in this area, so if you earn $500, you are well off.

People who haven't been to Europe, the US don't realise how things are.

Yes and I am the one whose had long cross cultural relationships and speak from experience.

Thanks kitty. When I was in south america I used to work with the church there and peoples lives are very hard. Now I work in development mainly in sub saharn africa on these issues here in the uk. For people there the average wage is 2.50 a day and then there are the super rich (my exh) with domestic staff and unearnt incomes. That creates different social dynamics.

Most of my problems with ex were due to his personality rather than his culture, but yes, expectations of gender roles and attitudes to dv played into it.

One unexpected trap for me was that being from different cultures made me try too hard to be understanding and tolerant, so much that I tolerated stuff I shouldn't have. In any relationship, the initial part is sorting out what both parties want and need, and claims of "it's my culture" don't get to trump that process.

The main thing I find is that some things that you just assume are right and that everyone shares the same values and assumptions - well, sometimes people from another culture don't! (and my husband found the same with me ofc). Im married to a man from a similar Western European culture but even there I've been brought up short quite a few times and tripped over different ways and expectations.

Revels, same applies here. People have a lot of respect for elders. In Vietnam, you have about 18 different pronouns for different ages. Family is extremely important, too.

Op, you know China is rethinking its one child policy, not just to "even out" the population but also because it is hard for one child to look after ageing relatives.

I don't know if I could say I've really been in many cross cultural relationships, I'm American and until my most recent boyfriend all the guys I've been with have been American too. Although I am Asian American (parents are from china) and I've come across quite a lot of men that fetishize Asian women... I don't know if that happens in the UK at all but over here they call it "yellow fever". I am personally very disturbed by it!! The type of men who are like this have very stereotyped notions of what Asian women are like and want someone who is submissive and subservient. I'm pretty sure that men in other parts of the world probably have stereotypes about western or white women that you may have come across too. It's really sad to me

There was a good thread on chat about cultural differences a few days ago. There are plenty!

although I've never been in a cross cultural relationship, it is IMO still important to recognise that differences in culture do exist, and that seeing some of these as insurmountable does not make one a racist.

e.g. a culture where it is acceptable to have more than one wife for instance is not one I could marry into, but that doesn't mean that I have issue with those people as individuals or a race, merely that some of their cultural norms are not what I would choose for my own life.

It is a fact that many traditions are culturally ingrained, and that to marry into such a culture exposes one to the need, and expectation to become a part of those traditions. It's important to recognise that probably before you embark on a relationship, because the longer you are part of that relationship, the harder it is to take a step back from the things you don't want to be a part of.

Many of my japanese female friends complained about the "asian fetishes" and japan is full of western men like that - very creepy! My friends were often more assertive and independent with careers and financial independence so they had clear views about being a little geisha! But it made it harder to find a partner there because of the social norms for women and marriage. Some of my other japanese female friends though enjoyed relationships with westerns and found them liberating too.
Interestingly in japan I found this was a two way street with some japanese men having odd ideas about europena women! I dated a few men there (and made my japanese fluent at least) but you can only really form a happy intimate relationsip when you both get past culture etc and can see each other as individuals.

Mmmmm,, I do have to agree with CogitoEro here. This type of thread does invite racial generalisations. Lots of people have issues/clashes with their in laws (religion, culture, raising DC and on and on). If you have issues with your in laws then that's to do with personality clashes and differing beliefs (could be anything from religion to culture). Stereotyping culture alone is ridiculous IMHO.

Just to clarify, i am mixed race (white British father and black African mother). I had a very mixed and full cultural upbringing (British and African) before I get accused of not having any experience in mixed cultural relationships. I am also married to a white British man.

professorgrommit I have a good friend who is originally Russian and she is currently working in Japan. She was telling me about how creepy men there act towards her (she's very pretty so it's no surprise). She told me that once someone stole her underwear while she left it drying! So yes I believe that it's a two way street!!

And of course I didn't mean to suggest that all cross cultural relationships are like this. Most probably aren't or they wouldn't survive. I'm just personally disturbed by te ones that are

Most japanese don't like this either - they call them "skebe" or perverts! But you can buy used school girl underwear from slot machines in tokyo and underwear theft is a problem for women.
But more seriously yes you need to sepretae out culture, family and personal values. I do think though that there is a lot of sub text about norms for relationships and marriage that when you are from the same culture is unconciously assumed but that can clash when you ate not. But how you resolve that is upto you as a couple. My japanese oh for example used to laugh that I would not clean his flat (most japanese girlfriends would) joking he only had himslef to blame for missing out! Whereas exh used to get truely angry about being asked to do housework.
Btw I use the term cross cultural, not cross racial very deliberately. I don't think of dating a british person of another race as cross cultural.

I was going to say the thing about distinguishing between culture/race as the pp said. I'm white, DH black, both born and bred Londoners. Very few 'cultural differences' for us, and the differences that exist are mainly between our families and are trivial.

on't think that inviting comments on cross cultural relationships is at all the same as encouraging people to be racist. DP and I are both white, but he is French and I am British. We have had a few clashes due to cultural differences, mostly because the French are generally much more direct and argumentative than the British.

I am a typical Brit in so far as indirectness and suggestion sit much more comfortably with me than 'saying it straight' and making florid arguments and accusations. I have had various incidents since living in France, where I have felt attacked or that someone was being rude to me, only later gradually coming to realise it's just their style of debating/talking.

So when DP have had disagreements about politics, ideologies etc I have felt really hurt by the way he appears to dismiss my ideas as ridiculous, then in turn he has been surprised when I've expressed that hurt, because for him it's just a normal way of making his point and I should just fight back in the same way.

Our relationship got stronger when we realised this cultural difference between us, as a) we now avoid talking politics! and b) we both take care when we do get into debates/disagreements not to revert to our cultural types, ie him not pooh-poohing my points directly and me not getting upset and taking direct disagreement as a personal attack.

I'm a Kiwi married to a Brit and, on the face of it you would think the cultural differences would be small, but they still occasionally surprise us.

NZ, while not the complete gender paradise, was the first country in the world to give women the vote and has the record of the longest serving elected female head of state. It's also full of the type of no nonsense colonial women who are just as comfortable fixing the tractor as baking so I suspect to DH's eyes I come across as a bit bolshy and non-girly. To be fair, he says it's one of the attractive things about me, that I keep my hair shorter than his and take less time to get ready to go out than anyone in the house. I've never forgotten the look on DH's face the day he came home to find me under the car changing the oil and filter. It simply never occurred to me to take it to the garage for such a simple task. He also gets a bit peeved every time there's a sport other than football on TV and I make a comment on whether or not I've enjoyed playing it because as a Kiwi, I've been encouraged to try as many sports as possible.