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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can anybody give me some good advice?

43 replies

ClaraBean · 18/11/2013 23:11

I am worried I am being selfish, maybe you lot can help?
Dh and I split a little while ago - we may get back together in the future, he still tells me he loves me, I definitely still love him, we occasionally hang out still. But he has been staying with his brother the last little while, and coming over to see the dc every day, and staying on the sofa when i want to go out. So, we still see each other everyday, and we still seem to be getting on well.
However, he is moving into a room much closer to me and dc, which is great. However, it is a very large room above our friends pub. He says he will have the dc to stay over one night a week (fine with me, as it is a perfectly fine pub, and or friends live there with their dd), but for the rest of the week he will come over as normal, and hang out with them here.
But I feel like I need him not to do that. I need to get over him, and that is really hard when the man i love is here every day, saying he loves me, but he needs to be alone or whatever.
I know you are all going to say there is ow, but there definitely is not, we both have said this whole situation would be easier if either of us did have somebody else, it wold make the parting almost a bit cleaner, but it is because we have had a stressful few years and were arguing quite a lot.
So, if I don't let him come over, he can't see the dc so much (they are 12, 10, 8 and 6), but having him over causes me so much pain. He still treats my house like his own home, I still feel 'married' whilst he is around so much. And I don't see how I can move on in this situation. The new room is temporary, whilst he sorts out a bigger, proper place, but that will likely be months. And I won't live my life thinking we will get back together, because we may not, so my only choice is to let go, for now. But how. I can't tell him not to come over, but I don't know what else to do :(
Sorry, this may well be a bit rambly and all over the place, I have spent so long feeling so desperately sad, and I need to pull myself together, but I am having trouble doing that.

OP posts:

Original poster

ClaraBean · 18/11/2013 23:52

Anybody out there tonight?
I can't settle at the moment, I ought to go to bed, but feeling a bit angsty :(

OP posts:

TheTruffleHunter · 18/11/2013 23:56

Can you afford to talk to a solicitor to agree a formal separation? There are some who specialise in mediation & (can't remember the legal term) but basically amicable resolutions. You need to agree some boundaries really or you both remain on limbo.

How does he see things moving forward?

Original poster

ClaraBean · 19/11/2013 00:02

When he talks about our future, he says he doesn't know what will happen he still loves me very much, he will always love me, and when he is not here, all he thinks about is being here. He still wants us to travel the world together when dc are older, and pictures us in the old floks home together. He says there is every chance our relationship will make it, but not yet. It is over for now (even though we have had sex a few times, which didn't help my mental state very much)
We can't really afford much at the moment as I am only working p/t, and he is paying 2 lots of rent.
I don't even know what those boundaries could be, if he doesn't come over it is difficult for the dc to see him, and they want to see him.
I want to see him, but I know to move forward, I need to detach from him more. I guess I need the space to heal as much as he needs the space t grieve for his mother, and deal with the other issues of the last few years.

OP posts:

FetchezLaVache · 19/11/2013 00:09

If you feel it's not good for you to be in your house every day, tell him he can't do it. You don't seem to give a reason for the split other than he wants to be alone, it reads like you'd get back together if it were up to you, but it's not... It's really fucking unfair of him to mess with your head by telling you he loves you and shagging you from time to time.

Maybe there is someone else, maybe there's not, but I don't think you can rely on him to do the right thing for your head just at the moment...

DioneTheDiabolist · 19/11/2013 00:15

OP, enough about what he wants.

What do you want?

Original poster

ClaraBean · 19/11/2013 00:20

Fetchez You are right, it was his decision to end the relationship, and I would love for us to get back together. I am a lot stronger than I was though, and I don't go on about it at all, as I don't want him to come back unless it is 100% his decision, and I may not even want him back then
He basically has issues he needs to deal with alone, he has been very angry since his mothers death, and he feels that is is unfair to work through that with me and dc, and wants to split (for now? Or maybe forever), as we have argued a lot recently, and he wants the arguing to stop.
If I tell him he can't come over every day I will feel selfish because then the dc can't see him every day, and also the nights he does see them will end up being the ones where I go out, so he will turn into my babysitter. Maybe I shouldn't care about this. My friends have mostly said I should just tell him to fuck off, but I want to do what is best for my family/dc, and that definitely isnt.
He talks about 'we' a lot. As in - we ought to go to Wales on holiday next year, we need new cutlery and tonights corker 'the bathroom in my new place is crap, so I will probably have a bath here everyday, and our bathroom is so lovely' (it is an awesome bathroom).
Sometimes I feel like a dickhead for putting up with it, sometimes I just am happy plodding along.
I am acting like a single woman too (he keeps telling me I need to get on with my own life). I go out 2 nights a week, sometimes 3. Snog men. But it doesn't feel right either.
I guess nothing feels right any more.
We have been together so long :(

OP posts:

Mellowandfruitful · 19/11/2013 00:22

He can still come round and see the DC but within boundaries so that it's clear he is visiting. I really feel for you as it sounds a lot easier for him, he gets his own space but from the sound of it all the benefits of being in a relationship, while you get him still in your life on a day to day basis but lose out on the certainty of that.

Can he not take the DC out some evenings so he is not always hanging around the house?

Original poster

ClaraBean · 19/11/2013 00:23

Dionne I want him back. Failing that, I want to move on, I want peace in my house, I want to relax, and be happy. I do feel relaxed and happy when he is here. But crap when he leaves, so clearly this isn't going to work.
My friend thinks the move is good, as he will have lots of time to think without his brother around in the evenings and he iwll realise he is being an idiot.
I sound weak and pathetic, I know. But really I am not. I feel it sometimes though. Everyone thinks I am amazing and strong dealing with all this, but sometimes I just want to punch the wall and smash shit (I don't, obviously!)

OP posts:

garlictrivia · 19/11/2013 00:24

Look, why can't DC see him at the pub?

Stop letting him swan around like he still lives with you, but owes you no allegiance. You're saying you want to 'detach' - quite rightly, for your mental health if nothing else - but all your actions say you're firmly attached to the sole of his shoe!

Are you still cooking for him? Doing his laundry? Making sure you look nice for him? Stop that now!

Mumsnet can give you fantastic support in getting to a more stable, healthy place from which to move forward (whichever way that turns out to be,) but we can't do anything for you while you're still lying down with your legs apart and 'doormat' printed across your chest.

Original poster

ClaraBean · 19/11/2013 00:31

He wont have them at the pub too much. He works 4 loooong days a week, so he has an extra day off to pick the dc up from school. I have said 'great, you can take them to your new place' but he says no, he doesn't want them hanging around at the pub, maybe I need to put my foot down with that. Especially as the kids know the pub, we take them for lunch there often, the dc love an afternoon trip to the pub
I guess I don't want a row about it, another example of how 'unreasonable' I am being again! I also maybe worry that he will not bother to see them on that day.
I don't cook for him, or do his laundry, and I try to look nice, because i want to, but I am not doing anything extra. If he gets in from work whilst me and dc are eating then he has some, but that only happens if I am running late.
There will definitely be no more sex, even though I really want to. I have told him that, a few weeks ago.

OP posts:

Cabrinha · 19/11/2013 00:33

If you really want him back, you need to give him an ultimatum: he moves straight back in and you have one try, with Relate.
If he won't do that, tell him you need to formalise the split for your own good, and are seeing a solicitor to do so.
This is utterly unfair on you.
You're obviously waiting for him - snogging other men isn't because you're moving on, it's because you're trying to, or faking to yourself that you are. But you're not. This set up is going to fuck your head up.
You are worth a man who knows he wants to be with you.
All this sorting his head out... he needs to grow the fuck up, frankly. You say you love him - but really, can you continue to love someone who is happy to fuck your head up selfishly, and who walks out on his wife and kids for "space".
I expect you can do better, my dear.

Original poster

ClaraBean · 19/11/2013 00:33

I have been a bit proactive since he left - applied for a MSc, driving lessons, plumbed in a dishwasher by myself, gone back to dance classes, I haven't just been dying in a corner :)

OP posts:

garlictrivia · 19/11/2013 00:34

he doesn't want them hanging around - aha. He wants to be daddy when & where it suits him, not full-time.

another example of how 'unreasonable' I am being again - I see, everything's your fault.

This guy's starting to look like a real charmer.

garlictrivia · 19/11/2013 00:34

Good for you :)

Now mean it!

DioneTheDiabolist · 19/11/2013 00:35

Clara speak to him about going to Relate or other couple counseling.

If he agrees then the two of you will be able to take a proper look at your relationship and jointly decide how to move forward, either together or apart.

If he says no, you will know that he has no intentions of getting back with you and start to extricate him from your life, mourn and move on. Starting with how to get him to respect your home, not his.

AnandaTimeIn · 19/11/2013 00:37

He still wants us to travel the world together when dc are older, and pictures us in the old floks home together.

It is over for now (even though we have had sex a few times, which didn't help my mental state very much)

Sorry to say it but he is fucking with your mind and body

Make a clean break, do not let him sleep on the sofa or in your house - dealing with 4 DCs together is not easy in the situation. But really! The sooner you let go of him the sooner you will find your own happiness.

He needs to get his own place together. And the longer you leave it the longer he will take. Bet he is loving the situation at the moment.... he can manipulate it to the hilt.

Does he not have friends or parents to put him up till his place is ready?
Some other temporary accommodation?

FluffyJumper · 19/11/2013 00:38

It's totally unfair of him to do this. You need to have strict boundaries in place or he's having his cake and eating it.

Mouldypineapple · 19/11/2013 00:41

He's 'having his cake and eating it' from what I can tell. You need some boundaries/rules, then stick to them! Make sure you don't go back to the sex thing, it messes up your feelings. Decide what you want, be firm and don't let him keep messing you about.
Obviously easier said than done.

Mouldypineapple · 19/11/2013 00:41

Cross post fluffy jumper!

Original poster

ClaraBean · 19/11/2013 00:42

Ananda he has been staying with his brother, but wanted to move closer, hence the room at the pub.
I guess I worry if I am firmer, he will just say I am stopping him seeing the kids, adn I don't want to do that.
I know I sound a bit pathetic . . .
Dionne he wont go to relate or anything like that. He had some counselling last year, and really didn't get on with it, not his thing, never has been.

OP posts:

Original poster

ClaraBean · 19/11/2013 00:44

God, it is so hard to set firm boundaries without looking like a total bitch :(

I don't want it to look like I am using him to babysit on my nights out, nd the rest of the time he has to have them at the pub sitting in the bar

OP posts:

TheCrackFox · 19/11/2013 00:49

He is having a severe case of havinghiscakeandeatingittitis.

He is being a cunt and is keeping you dangling.

Tell him can't stay at your house, have cosy chats and must have the children 2 or 3 nights a week.

Tell him you are thinking about dating again.

He wants to be single but also play at being daddy without any of the grunt work. It wouldn't surprise me if you have been cooking his dinner every night and washing his pants.

He needs a big fucking dose of reality.

DioneTheDiabolist · 19/11/2013 00:54

I have to agree with the others. He is a coward who wants to have his cake and eat it. No offense OP, but he's a dick.

Use MN or counseling to help you sort out what you want and how you're going to get it. He has preyed on you and used your love against you for too long. It's time for you to break free and make the necessary changes.

FluffyJumper · 19/11/2013 00:55

Why on earth would you care about looking like a bitch when he's the one who's left!

News flash Clara's ex - when you leave someone they may not choose to be nice to you!

petalsandstars · 19/11/2013 01:52

He chose to end the relationship and move out, so therefore he is going to have to deal with the consequences and they include no longer treating the house like his own. And seeing the dcs elsewhere. That is not you being a bitch or controlling at all

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