Can anybody give me some good advice?

[ClaraBean]

I am worried I am being selfish, maybe you lot can help?
Dh and I split a little while ago - we may get back together in the future, he still tells me he loves me, I definitely still love him, we occasionally hang out still. But he has been staying with his brother the last little while, and coming over to see the dc every day, and staying on the sofa when i want to go out. So, we still see each other everyday, and we still seem to be getting on well.
However, he is moving into a room much closer to me and dc, which is great. However, it is a very large room above our friends pub. He says he will have the dc to stay over one night a week (fine with me, as it is a perfectly fine pub, and or friends live there with their dd), but for the rest of the week he will come over as normal, and hang out with them here.
But I feel like I need him not to do that. I need to get over him, and that is really hard when the man i love is here every day, saying he loves me, but he needs to be alone or whatever.
I know you are all going to say there is ow, but there definitely is not, we both have said this whole situation would be easier if either of us did have somebody else, it wold make the parting almost a bit cleaner, but it is because we have had a stressful few years and were arguing quite a lot.
So, if I don't let him come over, he can't see the dc so much (they are 12, 10, 8 and 6), but having him over causes me so much pain. He still treats my house like his own home, I still feel 'married' whilst he is around so much. And I don't see how I can move on in this situation. The new room is temporary, whilst he sorts out a bigger, proper place, but that will likely be months. And I won't live my life thinking we will get back together, because we may not, so my only choice is to let go, for now. But how. I can't tell him not to come over, but I don't know what else to do :(
Sorry, this may well be a bit rambly and all over the place, I have spent so long feeling so desperately sad, and I need to pull myself together, but I am having trouble doing that.

Setting boundaries is about self-respect, confidence and standards. Setting boundaries about what is acceptable and unacceptable behaviour in others does not make you or anyone else 'a total bitch'.... those are the words of a bitter man playing on your feelings of guilt, not an assertive woman.

In order to move on in your life you must leave the past behind. Your children deserve a relationship with their father but not at your expense. They need you to be happy and confident. If his job makes seeing his children difficult, he must change job. If his accommodation makes having them to stay difficult, he must change his accommodation. If him swanning in and out of your home makes it difficult for you to move on, he must see the DCs outside the home. Plenty of men do.

So enough with the guilt. He's clearly using the situation to carry on controlling and dominating you. Stop letting him do that - with legal help if necessary.

I find some of the responses here a bit harsh: he sounds to me like someone who is struggling to understand and work through a difficult time.

That said, he is the one who wanted to remove himself and he really hasn't!

I would try to have a sensible conversation about the current situation and attempt to make him see that he has left the home so he cannot just come and go as he pleases. It is your home now and he must respect this. You need to agree a proper structure for when and how he visits, and it is perfectly reasonable for you not to want him hanging about the place all the time.

Does he contribute financially towards his children's maintenance? Does he contribute financially towards the running of your house?

I would draw up a formal separation agreement showing who pays what, who has the children when, and where. If a room above a pub is unsuitable for hosting his own children, then he needs to rethink his accommodation plans.

He sounds a hopeless father and a hopeless partner.

Morning all, thanks for all the replies.
He really isn't an awful guy, I feel I may have given you the wrong impression. He is a great dad, even if he doesn't want to be with me at the moment.
He does give me money every month, straight into my bank on his payday.
I go out on Tuesdays, so I can't talk to him tonight, but I sent him a text this morning asking him to stay longer after the kids are in bed tomorrow night to sort out this situation. He has said there is no way he can see the children outside of the house, he will have them to stay at the pub once a month, but he doesn't think it is a suitable environment to have them there all the time (I suppose i see his point). Apparently I can go out whilst he is here if I want, but I don't really want to leave the house every day whilst he sees the kids. I wont see them very much then!
He is looking for somewhere else, this place is temporary whilst he finds somewhere.
Anyway, when I see him tomorrow night we will try and discuss a compromise.
Tonight when I get back from dancing I will try and keep my gob shut, as I will have had a few drinks, and I don't want to start a row!
Thank you for all the advice.
I really appreciate it.

I really think that you should get some professional guidance on this, even if it's something printed from a website. Him using your home as and when he sees fit or else the kids don't get to see their dad isn't ok.

It's all wrong. Why should you be expected to leave your own home and what? walk round the block? sit in a cafe? while he plays Happy Families? What incentive does he have to find a better place to live if he can treat your home like a drop-in centre? I wouldn't even meet him to talk in your house. Pick a neutral venue & get a babysitter. Do the same thing when you need child-care rather than calling your ex back in just because it's convenient. You have to make it a proper break and not this half-way business.

Boundaries.... start as you mean to go on.

It seems to me he's having his cake and eating it. Very selfiah. He wants to be apart, have space, whatever. Yet he still wants to pick and chose the best bits of family life.

So which does he want? Because he quite patently can't have both. IT's just not working for you and he is being selfish and cruel.

Tell him that. He probably thinks he's being Mr Fucking Wonderful. But he's not. He's being a selfish entitled twunt

It is quite difficult to switch your head from 'pleasing your partner' to 'taking care of You & DC'. This is, as you rightly said, why detachment is key. We're trying to help by showing you how he looks from the outside - to women whose heads aren't locked in pleasing-him mode!

Didn't you say the pub landlords have a child who is friends with your DC? Do you imagine the thousands of landlords, up and down the country, don't have children? How come a room over a pub - or even a quiet area in the pub - is good enough for all those kids, but not for yours?

He's making excuses, because he only wants to play Daddy when & where it suits him.

He's compartmentalising his life into Family - which takes place in your home - and Free, everywhere else. By keeping Family in a literal box, your home, he not only makes this compartmentalisation very easy on himself but also ensures his Free life is unlikely to encounter him in Family mode.

You have some inkling of this yourself, otherwise you wouldn't have said you're scared he'll stop seeing them. Step out here for a minute, and see this from our perspective: A man uses the implied threat of abandonment to gain compliance from his children and their mother. Is this man a good father and desirable role model? Do his actions imbue his children with security?

I'm worried that he sees his monthly payment as an access fee. As tough a wrench as it will be for you, I do advise starting a divorce (you don't have to finish it if things change) with a wise solicitor to put financial and contact terms in place.

If the pub is good enough for your friends kids it's good enough for yours. If the room is small or cramped or something then really, kids don't mind a bit of camping.

So, he wants to be alone to sort out his issues and feels it's unfair on you and the kids if he's still living with you, yet:
He's in your home all the time

You're not in a relationship with him, yet:
He comes to the house and has sex with you.

Seriously, this guy is taking you for a mug, stop making yourself available for him when he wants a shag and stop making excuses that unless he comes into the home then the kids won't see him. Surely you can arrange a rota whereby he does see them with out it meaning you have to put your life on hold.

I know you say there isn't another woman but I wouldn't be surprised if he was out sowing his wild oats with whoever. If you really want him back then it's ultimatum time, if not, carry on as you are but you'll never move on in this kind of limbo situation.

And you think you are being selfish-far from it, you're being far too amenable.

And yes, as said above, just because he is providing for his children, which he should be doing anyway, does not give him free access to the home - the home (you and children included), he decided wasn't for him any more and was quite happy to leave you to either sink or even meet someone new, hardly the actions of someone that loves you.

Sorry but please take off the tinted glasses, he's stringing you along so put a stop to it.

We've heard a lot about what he wants (seemingly the moon on a stick) but what do you want?

You don't want him in your home and, guess what, you don't have to.

Get legal advice and get a proper contact schedule and maintenance arranged.

FWIW if you really want this arsehole back (you shouldn't, he sounds like a self absorbed prick) then you have to "treat him mean to keep him keen". Nobody lusts after a doormat.

He needs to piss or get off the pot.

Since he is not inclined to do either, you need to get a solicitor and initiate divorce proceedings. This will be hard for you, as you you know you have feelings for him. However, once he gets a solicitor's letter with divorce as the subject he will have to sit up and pay attention. You may well find he rethinks his aversion to Relate. Or you may find he starts taking you seriously as a three dimensional other person who has a right not to be screwed with, which he patently is not doing at the present moment.

He is messing with not just your mind and heart but with the children's too, and whatever he thinks of his debt of honesty and respect to you, he definitely owes them proper explanations, commitment of time and effort, and clarity about where they stand. You need to sit them down once divorce gets under way, tell them what is going on, and reassure them they are still loved by both parents but that their parents have decided to stop living together. Assure them none of this is their fault, and that nothing they do or don't do will change things; they are not to worry, their parents have arranged things and everything will be ok. This lifting of the fog will not be possible while he continues to operate as some sort of special visitor who swoops into their home and lives as and when he pleases.

He needs to rethink the pub as a residential option if this isn't a suitable place for the children. Tell him either he has them there every second weekend or he gets a new place with proper room for them, proper beds, proper place for them to store their clothes, proper tv, enough towels, food in the fridge, pots to cook it, TP that will last the whole time they are there - the details of home in other words.

Get yourself a thicker skin and be ready for the blaming, shaming and accusations of being a bitch that will fly in your direction. Shrug them off. None of this is good for the children. Or for you.

Do you notice how now that he has moved out everyone's attention is probably focused much more on him than it maybe was before? He is definitely not worth pining over.

Well said Math.

This situation isn't good for the DCs - it is giving them false hope too. They need to know where they stand.

I don't see why he can't have them round to his room in the pub - it is a self-contained room, they're not sitting in the bar. Plus even at this time of year, he could take them out for a walk if it's not too cold, take them to the shops with him and have tea out in a supermarket café, take them swimming. It sounds suspiciously as though his sensitivity about taking them to the pub is actually a convenient excuse for not having to do very much with them that involves effort on his part. And there is the extra convenience that when he comes round to yours he gets to play husband for a limited period of time and then head off when he's done with it, leaving you picking up the pieces.

Don't let him off with this one. It is simply not fair of him to insist that he has to come round as this is the only way he can see them. Tell him it is making everything harder to do this and it can't go on, and if what he's saying is that he won't make the effort to see the kids any other way, then he is not the man you thought he was.

Interesting that if the pub is sooo unsuitable, he close to go there.

I agree with all the people that say that he is having his cake and eating it. Let's face it, he is moving on as much as he wants to while effectively stopping you moving on. He could be playing happy families with you and shagging random women if he wanted. While you have to have him in the house every night.

Does he clean the bathroom he expects to use every day?