The final nail in the coffin? Found text from OW.

[TimeStoodStill]

NC for this. 6 months ago I had a gut feeling that something wasn't right with DH. Being secretive and protective of his phone which he never has been before. I checked his online account and there were hundreds of texts to and from one particular number over a 6 week period. I checked his phone and there was only one text from this number, a female work colleague. The text mentioned them "overstepping the line."

I immediately confronted him and he said that it was a friendship that had got out of control, he was sorry, he'd been stupid but he was flattered by her attentions etc. he would tell her that it had to stop and he'd been a twat, he didn't want to lose me and DD.

I have checked his bills and there has been no further communication other than the odd sporadic text/brief call which could be work related, who knows?

He went out on Friday night with some work colleagues. When I asked who was there he reeled off a list of names and tagged her name on the end. I wasn't happy but he says as they work together she's going to be at those functions and there's nothing he can do about it - he says he barely said 2 words to her. But instinct told me to check his phone again this morning. She sent a text very late last night which was unopened, so I read it:-

"I have been thinking about this all day. I think it's only fair that I am totally straight with you, so you know exactly where you stand. I can't allow myself to be friends with you and I will continue speaking to you in work as little as possible. This is as a result of you getting involved with me when you had no intention of ever leaving your wife. You hurt me and I feel upset, as all I was and would be, is a fuck on the side. I admit I still really care for you but I deserved better and I won't be used again."

I threw the phone at him and watched the colour drain from his face as he read it. He says that she is infatuated with him, they had a massive argument when he told her they couldn't be any more than friends and that she is bombarding him with texts which he ignores and deletes. He maintains nothing physical happened, but she asked him to leave me for her on several occasions (she must have been bowled over by his charm and witty banter)

He's gone to work in tears saying that he only loves me and that she is trying to wreck his marriage because he's told that he doesn't want anything to do with her.

We've been together for 14 years and have a 3yo DD. I have resigned myself to the fact that he did have an affair which I think I can handle, but only if I can get him to admit that it actually happened which he won't do.

I think that you are coping well and yes you have to do what is right for you.
However I think sometime soon the enormity if what has happened and your dh deception will really hit home.

He is a wreck because his whole life is on the line and he is panicking about the real consequences of his behaviour. Please do not pity him. This is now about you and what you want and need.
Does anyone at work know about his fling? Surely others will have spotted signs?

Sorry but I agree he would hardly be likely to say he told he loved her etc , everything he has said intends to minimise and not release one jot more information than you have as proof.

Also her text does not match his description of events, the text you have read yourself. A text from someone with no axe to grind rather than his version of events.

Its a horrible time be kind to yourself OP

Arrange to meet her for a coffee, and hear her version of events.

Choose your time to ring her and arrange this carefully so she doesn't have a chance to talk to your husband. Then at least you know if when he had the chance to come clean, if he took it or not,

It's a huge thing to give up, peace of mind, never being able to fully trust your spouse again.

Good luck.

Maybe the first time was drink-fuelled but once a line was crossed I doubt that they needed the booze to propel them.

How much do your mutual friends know?

I have never liked the "It was offered on a plate" reasoning. He was lucky she didn't come back to him and say he'd got her pregnant, her being so - how might he phrase it? deluded and vindictive and all.

Now you know what he is, I imagine you're going to have trouble ever trusting anything he ever says again.

I presume when you discovered it the last time, he was all sorry, sorry, I'll never do it again.

Might I suggest something. Have you discussed this with your family/friends or his? It might be a good idea.

I didn't tell anyone and he bounced about pretending nothing was wrong while I was struggling and everyone was wondering why I was so off. He acted as if I was the one with the problem not him. And I got hassled for being harsh with him for no reason. I reached a point where the stress was physically making me ill because I didn't want to tell people, I was embarrassed. But he wasn't - he didn't have to worry - no shame for him at all. If I had to do it all again, I'd tell them, out him, and let HIM deal with the fallout and face the consequences of his actions.

OP just read the whole thread, you're amazing, I hope you stay as strong and rational as you are now.

So sorry this has happened.

Yes, do get RL support - you will need it.

OP you are being so strong and weighing it all up in what has been such a short length of time.

Take your time to think about what you want. Stay as strong as possible. if he really wants to keep your marriage he will agree to whatever you want, if he doesn't he isn;t worth keeping anyway.

It takes time for reality to sink in. I spent a few days in a haze of relief after he confessed because I thought ..phew, that's over then! I felt as if we had reached calm water. Then the pain really hit, and the anger, the insecurity, the complete confusion. It lasted a long long time and BOTH of you need to be prepared for it.

OP - you sound so strong and are handling this terrible situation really well. I just wanted to come back on the condom point. First of all there's a high chance he's lying about her having them (my ex lied on this point, assuring me they used them all the time). After several confession sessions he admitted they'd never used them. Do go for a smear and STI test. The smear will pick up potential cell changes from exposure to HPV which condoms do not protect against.

It is interesting that he only stopped the part of the affair which represented evidence that could be found by you.

He did not stop the actual affair until it was convenient for him.

Please do not believe anything he says just because he says it. Shaking, crying, being a wreck are all a personal, emotional reaction to being found out. They have absolutely nothing to do with honesty.

All cheaters minimise on being discovered. All.
The extent of his lies will only be revealed if you speak to OW, or find evidence yourself. Otherwise you might never know. But it does not sound wholly true to me, especially painting her as chasing him when clearly the text from her was telling him to back off after she'd got wise to his greediness. He will be banking on you not wanting to talk to her because of the 'unpleasantness' and also the fact that you probably don't want to hear anything you can't unhear. But as you said about the condoms, all very convenient.

Hi OP. I think you are doing absolutely brilliantly. I was a crying, shaking, insecure wreck who couldn't get out of bed at this point! But you are strong and in the position of control - well done you!

In relation to people saying you should speak to the OW to get the truth, I don't think you should. Firstly, she may well not tell you the truth anyway (might overplay it to make you jealous/to punish him, or might underplay it if she's scared of your reaction or genuinely doesn't want to make you feel too bad (although ha, she shouldve thought of that before she had an affair with your husband!)). She is not on your side or whe wouldn't have slept with your husband, so she will have no reason to go out of her way to help you. Of course she MAY tell you the truth, for whatever reason, but either way you will have no way of knowing.

The fact is, you know enough now to know that he betrayed you physically and emotionally so the actual 'we did this at 9:15pm on such and such a night' detail is not necessary. You also don't need the extra drama that getting in touch with the OW will bring. She is now irrelevant. It may well be that if she hadn't existed he would have cheated with someone else. So you just need to focus now on your feelings and whether you can ever forgive and forget this and also on his behaviour now and whether he goes far enough to make things up to you and make you trust him again.

Best of luck OP, believe me you will be ok in the end, whether you stay with him or not.

Yes, unfortunately this is generally just the "initial confession, minimising" stage. He will only tell you what he wants you to hear and what you have proof of. Any blame that he can push onto her (she wanted more than he did, she wouldn't back off), he will. Anything that might make it more palatable to you (wearing condoms, he wasn't willing to leave you, he broke it off she kept after him), he will say.

You know the Shrek movie where they say ogres are like onions.. they have layers. This is just another layer. You may find that you have to go through a few more layers before you get to the complete truth.

Now that he's confessed, he's most likely going to be initially just "grateful you've not given up on him" and then "impatient if you don't forgive him right away" and then "irritated that you're not over it yet." And life, for him, will go on just as before.

Please make sure you get some RL support in the form of family and friends. It's important to have a sounding board, someone just outside the situation enough to give you honest advice and simply to listen.

I hate to say it op, but it sounds like he is feeding you an intricately woven tapestry of bull shit. I agree with other posts, saying he has minimized what was an affair into what could be seen as a drunken fuck, as that is what he thinks will save his hide.

I work in sexual health, and part of my job is to take sexual histories with each patient. I promise you that they did NOT always use a condom. Please get yourself tested. Some sti's can be passed on even when a condom is used (herpes, genital warts, chlamydia).

I also believe he is still lying to you. Hearing what I hear everyday, I believe he had a proper affair with that woman. Even though he might have thought of it as a bit on the side, he most certainly did not give her that impression. Also he engaged in the majority of it whilst sober- so it wasn't just a few drunken fucks.

I don't mean to sound horrible! You sound amazing and so strong and so level headed. I just lnow it's sometimes hard to be objective and to gain clarity when you are being fed things by someone you love. Trust me- people are honest with me when they come to clinic as I put the fear of god into them, and what he says sounds like a crock to me!

itsme - that's very harsh OP must be traumatised and her world has been turned upside down so please be kind to her otherwise she will feel unable to come back for more support.

OP, I hope you are ok.

itsmeisntit
take your childish behaviour away from this post.
We are here to support the OP in a very difficult situation which other posters have been through (including myself). This OP has had her life turned upside down & her family pulled apart. So if you are not going to be helpful then kindly fuck off

OP so glad you came back to repost. I know how hard all this is (Ive gone through the same). I took the same strong stance you did & tried to repair the broken, but sadly I could not look past the break of trust, it destroyed me as a person & made me someone I didnt want to be, he walked all over me & it became an abusive relationship.

You have your head screwed on right, but I agree with posters who say to get him to stay elsewhere. This is still kind of numb I assume & you need time with your own thoughts to grieve the actions he has taken & seriously think about your future with you H.

love and support

OP - you do whatever you feel is right for you and your family. Your husband has behaved appallingly and while you say she is a drama llama, that is irrelevant and playing into his web of lies.

Stay strong.

itsme I am a straight talker but that was beyond the pale, especially follwed by your apparent amusement

as much I would like to see OP take her husband's metaphorical head off in the way she did yours, she is dealing with it

What's it come too when even the ops comments are deleted!