The final nail in the coffin? Found text from OW.

[TimeStoodStill]

NC for this. 6 months ago I had a gut feeling that something wasn't right with DH. Being secretive and protective of his phone which he never has been before. I checked his online account and there were hundreds of texts to and from one particular number over a 6 week period. I checked his phone and there was only one text from this number, a female work colleague. The text mentioned them "overstepping the line."

I immediately confronted him and he said that it was a friendship that had got out of control, he was sorry, he'd been stupid but he was flattered by her attentions etc. he would tell her that it had to stop and he'd been a twat, he didn't want to lose me and DD.

I have checked his bills and there has been no further communication other than the odd sporadic text/brief call which could be work related, who knows?

He went out on Friday night with some work colleagues. When I asked who was there he reeled off a list of names and tagged her name on the end. I wasn't happy but he says as they work together she's going to be at those functions and there's nothing he can do about it - he says he barely said 2 words to her. But instinct told me to check his phone again this morning. She sent a text very late last night which was unopened, so I read it:-

"I have been thinking about this all day. I think it's only fair that I am totally straight with you, so you know exactly where you stand. I can't allow myself to be friends with you and I will continue speaking to you in work as little as possible. This is as a result of you getting involved with me when you had no intention of ever leaving your wife. You hurt me and I feel upset, as all I was and would be, is a fuck on the side. I admit I still really care for you but I deserved better and I won't be used again."

I threw the phone at him and watched the colour drain from his face as he read it. He says that she is infatuated with him, they had a massive argument when he told her they couldn't be any more than friends and that she is bombarding him with texts which he ignores and deletes. He maintains nothing physical happened, but she asked him to leave me for her on several occasions (she must have been bowled over by his charm and witty banter)

He's gone to work in tears saying that he only loves me and that she is trying to wreck his marriage because he's told that he doesn't want anything to do with her.

We've been together for 14 years and have a 3yo DD. I have resigned myself to the fact that he did have an affair which I think I can handle, but only if I can get him to admit that it actually happened which he won't do.

Just joining in to agree that you're handling it brilliantly, op! If he lies tonight then call the ow. Make it clear that you're not angry at her - she has been weak and foolish and paid the price with a devastating blow to her self respect. She must realise that she is one of those women whom most will pity and despise. She will tell you the truth as a form of rehabilitation.

It's so easy to see how much you want to 'make it right' for your DD's sake and I really understand that - but the fact is, you can't and I don't think he will :(

I hope you are OK, it must have been an awful evening
x

No words of wisdom OP as you are absolutely doing the right thing so far - Just hope you're okay today.

Thank you for all your messages of support last night. I felt you were all with me holding my hand

So he came home, saw I'd taken down all our wedding pictures, didn't take his coat off and said "I'll pack a bag". I told him we would talk after DD went to bed. He said there's nothing else to tell you I've told you everything, so I said if that was the case get packing. He went upstairs and packed a bag for 20 minutes or so. I think he expected me to go and talk to him, but I remained downstairs. He then came down and said we'd talk after DD in bed.

After DD in bed we talked. I told him to think very carefully - I wanted the absolute truth. If I found out anything more after this conversation that he didn't disclose he would be out the door without a second thought. It wasn't pretty though there was no shouting. We are at ground zero. I don't want to go into details, but it appears it happened on a few drunken nights. She had made it clear that she fancied him, he was flattered and was led by his dick. Oldest story in the book. I told him it wasn't even so much the sex, it was the fact that he had been emotionally involved with someone else which really hurt. I can even pinpoint the times he was texting her - out for lunch with me & DD, then nipping to the toilet to text her - it feels like our family time has been soiled and sullied by his deceitfulness.

He said she had built up a fantasy that he was going to leave me for her, which he said he never told her would happen. She had told him that she loved him but he had never told her that. He says this is when he realised that she was taking it a lot more seriously than she was and what an almighty fuck up he had made so he cut all contact with her. They haven't spoken for months. He has found out from mutual friends that she has been trying to find out "information" about me and DD which has terrified him. He has been worried sick that she would tell me (but not so worried he thought he should tell me first?) On Friday night when they were out as a group, he apologised to her and said could they still remain civil at least, this is what led her to send the text on Sunday night saying they couldn't be friends. For him it was a shag on the side, for her it was potentially a relationship which would provide her with marriage and children (she's late 30's like us not some young impressionable thing).

He said that he has already put in a request for a transfer of office, and was just going to tell me it had been a management decision, rather than something he requested because he needs to get away from her. I asked if he had replied to her text and he said no he doesn't want any contact with her. A check of his online bill confirms this is true. I have told him I want to see any texts she sends him. He will not be going to any events where she will be there (including his much looked forward to Christmas night out - boo fucking hoo).

I have told him that if I feel he has lied to me (more than he already has) I will phone her. No doubt she will give me the gory details.

We are in separate bedrooms and we will look at couples counselling to see if there is anything worth salvaging from this marriage - that will be my decision not his. I have no trust in him at the moment and he knows this. I am making no quick decisions either way. I feel wobbly, yesterday I was running on anger. I have been lied to repeatedly and cheated on. I also have a 3 year old child and a 14 year marriage to consider. I feel a bit in limbo but I have the upper hand and intend to keep it.

Time I am so glad to hear from you, I have checked a few times this morning. I think you are handling this perfectly. You are not making excuses or allowances for him, you are being really fair and controlled. I take my hat off you, I think I would be a screaming mess.

I do believe your H from what you have told us. I believe he is being honest now. I really hope you can do whatever you need to, to be happy either with him or without him.

I think you have handled this very well. Good luck.

Well done you - we're all still here to support you while you go through this. Have been anxiously checking this thread to see how you got on.

You have been strong, and in control. And I'm glad you intend to remain that way. I think you're still running on adrenaline, and that hard times, wobbles, emotional breakdowns will follow - don't let that take you by surprise, but be ready for it and accept that this is a natural part of the process.

You've done the right thing, and I hope he's well and truly sorry and intends to be fully honest with you from now on. The last thing you need is to doubt his honesty - one hint that he's lying to you about his relationship with her, and I'd be on the phone to her as you have threatened. To be honest, I feel a bit sorry for her, it sounds like your DH has lied and cheated two women here.

Please talk to someone in RL who can support you through this, as well as the wonderfully wise ladies on here.

You poor thing. What a horrid story. What a twat. As much as he denies it, if he was nipping off to text her, then he was emotionally involved too.

You've done really well. You don't have to decide anything, and even if you do, you can always change your mind.

I hope he apologized for the shit storm he has unleashed on you both.

I really think you've handled this brilliantly. Where are you getting your support from?

From what you've said, this was the most worrying bit for me, She had told him that she loved him but he had never told her that. He says this is when he realised that she was taking it a lot more seriously than she was and what an almighty fuck up he had made... It just sounds so casual, self-serving and deceitful.

Well done for being so strong. Just two things I would like to add

1. could you really stay with someone who would treat women so cruelly. I don't expect you to have sympathy for ow, but he has treated her so very shabbily. No woman makes up those scenarios in her head. He fed her as much bullshit as he fed you. And yet he can reduce her to just a shag on the side. Utterly despicable.

2. separate bedrooms is not enough consequences, IMO. I believe he needs to leave the family home completely and be put in the metaphorical cold to really consider what he has risked in such selfish manner What he tells people is his problem. If your worry is that if he leaves for a while, he will go to her then of course you have your answer.

Also, Sti test for him is required. That will also focus his mind.

He says this is when he realised that she was taking it a lot more seriously than she was and what an almighty fuck up he had made so he cut all contact with her.

This doesn't quite tally with your OP which says that he stopped contact when you found the text about overstepping the line.

But I completely understand why you want to sort things out with him for the sake of your DD to give her the family life you didn't have. I hope this resolve gives you strength in your couple's counselling. But please don't let it mean that he can pull the wool over your eyes (I'm sure you're not though).

Good luck.

Well done, Time. You are handling this masterfully. He really thought his threat to pack a bag would have you pleading on his knees to stay and talk things through, didn't he?

However. I just don't believe this bit: " He said she had built up a fantasy that he was going to leave me for her, which he said he never told her would happen. She had told him that she loved him but he had never told her that. "

He's minimising, because he calculates that the best way to win you back is to convince you that it was never more than a couple of drunken shags on his part.

OW is not a young and foolish thing and the text you intercepted indicates that she is intelligent and articulate. It seems unlikely that she would have inferred from a couple of drunken shags that he was going to leave his wife and daughter for her.

I don't know how much it matters, really- the rest of it is bad enough- but it's potentially just an extra layer of dishonesty, And, as Mist says, his cruelty to the OW (and to you, of course) is very telling.

Erm, pleading on your knees, that is.

What a surprise... so the impetus was all on her side, she pushed it, she made it clear she fancied him...she said she loved him but he didn't, oooh no...he was stupidly 'led by his dick' and made an almighty fuck-up...

How very odd, then, that he should be the one to go up to her on the night out, especially if he's so terrified she'll approach you, and for her reply text to essentially warn him off with the words 'I won't be used again.'

I don't doubt that you probably have most of the truth of the A, B, and C of what happened. What I don't believe for a second is his colouring of the storyboard, alas.

Her text doesn't sound like something coming from the silly infatuated little character he's created for you, and you say yourself she's late thirties. I don't believe that she created an emotional connection out of her head, and I'm sure your H did tell her he loved her, didn't know where things were going with you and his marriage, blah blah, all the usual stuff to get someone into bed. Doesn't mean he did love her or had any real connection with her of course - so the end result is easily the same (you're the one he's serious about) - but the painting is coloured rather differently and makes him a nasty lying cheating arsehole, not a silly innocent led by anything.

And that text. Now to me, that isn't a reply to someone coming up to you, apologising, and saying let's be civil. 'I deserve better and I won't be used again?' Err - rather a cryptic answer. Ok, maybe she's just terribly hurt and bitter and intimating that the idea of friendship with a man like this leaves a nasty taste in the mouth (I'd agree!) But there is I'm afraid the equally possible interpretation that after hurriedly cooling things, and thinking he'd squared it with you, he ends up (naturally) with her in a dark corner telling her how he knows he's messed her around, he doesn't know where things are anymore but hey, we had fun didn't we? (wink) - let's not let this be the end, I think you're wonderful... Blah. Maybe with no intention of actually going back there. Who knows. That's the trouble with cheaters. You just never know.

Just be true to yourself I'd say - because one thing you know absolutely now is that you cannot trust your husband to do the same. But one last thing. I always shake my head when I hear infidelity being described as a 'mistake'...or, in your lovely H's words 'an almighty fuck-up'. Because it's not. It's a deliberate, not spur-of-the-moment decision, taken because he weighed up the risk and decided it was worth it to do this to you, so that he could have sex with her. At no time was he unaware of the fact that he was breaking his marriage vows - he wanted to break them. So he did. Several times that he's admitted to and more that he doesn't need to. What you know, for an absolute unchangeable FACT, is that this man will lie and cheat you for his own gain.

Well done for being so strong last night. You are flying high now but you will crash at some point so be prepared.

I would ask for time and space to process your thoughts and feelings - you won't be able to make any long term decisions for at least several months.

Get Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends for you both to read.

Definitely get STI tests done.

As for him, remember its actions not words that you need to be looking at - what he actually did and is doing tell you so much more that what he actually is saying.

OW is not a young and foolish thing and the text you intercepted indicates that she is intelligent and articulate. It seems unlikely that she would have inferred from a couple of drunken shags that he was going to leave his wife and daughter for her.

Cross-posted with many others, the above is it in a nutshell really. And as Fetchez says - does it matter?

I think yes. I think he's showing that he is an inveterate liar, basically. He wanted to shag her - he lied to her to get it. He wants to save his marriage - he is cleverly lying within the bounds of what he can get away with in order to do so.

But then I don't think you'd ever catch a cheat who would actually hold up their hands and say yes, we;ve spent the last couple of months in bed whenever we can get away, texting how much we love each other and all the star-crossed shit, would you?

Also you need to take into consideration the fact that he made several conscious decisions to cheat as he slipped down the slippery slope into a full blown affair - shared confidences, flirting, texts, meet ups etc.

It was not just a big mistake down to being drunk. He still continued to see her after each "drunken night".

Keep strong, sending hugs x

He says this is when he realised that she was taking it a lot more seriously than she was and what an almighty fuck up he had made so he cut all contact with her.

This doesn't quite tally with your OP which says that he stopped contact when you found the text about overstepping the line.

He told me that he had stopped contact when I confronted him in June and the texting stopped. Obviously the "relationship" carried on for a while longer which he told me last night - part of the confession.

he had told him that she loved him but he had never told her that. He says this is when he realised that she was taking it a lot more seriously than she was and what an almighty fuck up he had made... It just sounds so casual, self-serving and deceitful.

He didn't come out with that phrase, it is me paraphrasing what I was told in a 4 hour conversation. He was absolutely not casual about it. He was a shaking emotional wreck and I barely recognised the man I know to be my husband. He has been shaken to his core.

1) could you really stay with someone who would treat women so cruelly. I don't expect you to have sympathy for ow, but he has treated her so very shabbily. No woman makes up those scenarios in her head. He fed her as much bullshit as he fed you. And yet he can reduce her to just a shag on the side. Utterly despicable.

2) separate bedrooms is not enough consequences, IMO. I believe he needs to leave the family home completely and be put in the metaphorical cold to really consider what he has risked in such selfish manner What he tells people is his problem. If your worry is that if he leaves for a while, he will go to her then of course you have your answer.

I have no axe to grind with her. She has been shit on from a great height as well, but I am the only innocent party here. She knew what she was getting involved with as well as he did. I know this woman through his work and mutual friends, she has form for being a drama llama and I could well believe that she wanted/expected more from this than he did. What I find hard to believe is that he would be attracted to her, but I suppose nothing should surprise me now.

With regard to him leaving, I will do what is most convenient for me. I rely on him for help with DD as I sometimes travel with my job involving overnight stays. I cannot easily arrange overnight care for her at the moment, nor will I subject her to being passed around from pillar to post because of his fuck up.

I did ask about what protection they used - she had condoms to hand apparently, very convenient.

Only just found this thread, you are doing so well, stay strong

Oh that's interesting.

Right, so you confronted him, he promised to stop contact with her.

And he did stop texting her, but continued sleeping with her?

And it was only when (according to him) SHE began to get serious about him and he thought she'd spill the beans to you that he decided to dump her?

Wow, that is one deceitful, self-serving bastard.

The fact that he continued to sleep with her after you had rumbled him and that he lied to you about the extent of their relationship, not to save YOUR relationship (as he no doubt claims) but to save THEIRS is pretty damning, isn't it?

I don't think you can believe a thing this snake says to you.

The casual way he lies to you in order to sleep with another woman really makes him sound like a pretty committed and experienced shagger.

I would be wondering at this point whether she was the first.

"I barely recognised the man I know to be my husband. He has been shaken to his core."

Yeah, that tends to happen. They are so surprised at getting caught that they can't cope with the consequences.

It means very little.

Yes, getting caught and having their fantasy and lust fuelled affair bubble burst tend to shake them up - all their lies, denials and selfish actions are exposed for what these are.

He probably found OW attractive because of her ego flattering attentions. Pathetic but many affairs are often an ego boost for the cheater.

And I am afraid condoms do not protect one from all STIs especially if they had oral sex.

Oh what a very charming man he is.

Lies to keep his wife.
Lies to keep shagging around.

He is absolutely cruel to feed you BULLSHIT to keep you, and he was cruel for feeding her bullshit.

If your planning to forgive him, then you really need to make him pay for cheating, because if he gets very little, then hes gonna cheat again, and this time he'll cover it up better.

OP, you do what is right for you, you don't have to rush in to anything, only as time goes on will you know how you really feel about it all. Personally I couldn't stand to be with him anymore, knowing what he was capable of doing to me and what little regard he must have held me in, everything felt tainted but I do know people that have successfully stayed together, it has taken a lot of work, many years of work but they managed it.

Are you able to spend some time on your own or go away for a couple of days, it might help you to digest it all. There will be a crash, so please have someone to hand to look after you.