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Original poster

Husband and female colleague - is this weird or ok?

64 replies

curtainswitcher · 17/11/2013 21:21

What level of contact are you happy for your partners to have with female friends/colleagues? I've been snooping in DHs Blackberry (I know nothing good ever comes of this) and now don't know if I'm being paranoid or have reason to worry as there seems to be a lot with one particular woman.

Over the last couple of weeks there are emails to her pretty much every working day - there's nothing particularly incriminating but very few are work related - more a mixture of 'how's your day, what you up to' type and what I consider flirtyish banter (sarcasm, playful insults to each other etc). His call history for the last week has a few 30 minute plus phone calls with her (during the day when he's at work/travelling) and there's reference in one of their emails to a pub lunch (I hadn't heard about this) and she also jokingly accused him of trying to get her drunk on a work night out last weekend (I did know about this)

We’ve been married for 10 years, have 2 DCs and as far as I'm aware things are ok between us. Does it sound like he's just emailing her as a friend when he's bored or do you think there is more to it?

OP posts:

brass · 18/11/2013 08:35

I have lunch with male colleagues. I never feel I have to report it to my DH. What difference does it make whether it's in the pub, the staff canteen or at your desk? Lunch is lunch.

There are also colleagues I would regard as friends (thank god, after realising I could aspire to be happy at work, where I didn't despise the people I spend all day with). We can be distributed all the over the country, working from home, office and other sites. We all talk everyday by text (inane banter whilst we are doing other work) and guess what we don't always talk about work! Sometimes we might even phone each other for a chat!

I think you need to ask yourself why you are feeling like this and what has changed to make you feel insecure about him.

whoselifeisitanyway · 18/11/2013 08:42

It sounds like something is brewing. He will be getting a thrill from all this flirty banter. Make sure he knows you are keeping an eye on him. And like someone said above, don't be too cool about it.

ZombieMojaveWonderer · 18/11/2013 08:45

It's completely inappropriate IMO. Would you feel ok if it was just some woman he had met in a club while out drinking with a mate? No? Well there you go then. Just because they work together doesn't mean it's a "working" relationship, if that was so then he would only be talking to her at work unless she was his PA or vice versa.
I think flirty emails, messages and phone calls are crossing the line and even if your husband/wife, partner or whatever doesn't mind you are still entering a zone which an attached person shouldn't enter. When you do that you are basically saying it's ok to act in this way and that you could be up for a bit of fun, even if you think your colleague knows your only kidding it only takes one person to take it the wrong way and you are in a heap of trouble.

So no op it's not right and you need to tackle this ASAP before it goes any further. Hopefully it hasn't already.

firesidechat · 18/11/2013 08:46

I've read some situations on here that immediately sound dodgy, but I'm not sure if yours comes into that category.

I trust my husband completely and he could easily have 30 minute telephone calls about work with female colleagues. In fact I know he does because he works from home a lot and I can hear them.

He may even have pub lunches sometimes, although usually with others present too. I don't think the flirty texts would be at all appropriate though and I would be having words about that.

elizadofuckall · 18/11/2013 08:49

Only one bit sticks out as particularly odd given that they are colleagues. she also jokingly accused him of trying to get her drunk on a work night out last weekend

Would he receive that from a male colleague? I think not.

Ursula8 · 18/11/2013 08:50

I work in a very male dominated industry and regularly text, email and talk to male work colleagues and have lunch with them.

I NEVER flirt with them, well, not the married ones, and I would not countenance anything that smacked of an emotional affair. I say trust your gut OP.

Dillydollydaydream · 18/11/2013 08:53

I wouldn't be happy with that level of contact with another woman. Dh doesn't text/email, phone me to that extent so I'd be concerned if he was with somebody else.

How often does your Dh contact you during the day? Anywhere near as much as this ow?

Lazyjaney · 18/11/2013 08:55

It's hard to tell what this is from the description, but it's not an automatic assumption that anything is going on.

It's odd isnt it - we are not supposed to see sex differences today, but wider society still struggles when people treat workmates of the opposite sex the same way they treat ones of the same sex.

LittlePeaPod · 18/11/2013 09:10

I agree with Lazys point.

From what you have written Op I could be your DH's work colleague. I work in a corporate environment and I have 3/4 close male friends that I will have lunch with, go for a glass of wine with / dinner with after work and we speak on the phone (non work related and work related) often (in and out of work hours). To me they are the same as my close work female friends. As with my female friends, it would never ever cross my mind that our friendship is anything other that what it is.

Do you know this colleague? I mean would you view their friendship differently if (for example, as with me) you found out that his colleague/friend was 8/9 months pregnant and married? Would you feel less uncomfortable and suspicious? If so, then is this about your own insecurities? don't mean for that to sound finger pointy, iyswim

tingle1 · 18/11/2013 09:14

Wow, op, you need a life! snooping for a start! dont let these posters get you upset, sounds innocent to me. a thirty minute phonecall!!

EBearhug · 18/11/2013 09:15

I'm another who works in a male-dominated workplace. Remarkably enough, going to lunch together tends to mean it's the middle of the day and we both need food. I do talk to one more than the others, because I would rather talk bikes than football. I find some women have interests more in line with my own than others, too. I can easily talk to some of them for half an hour or more, a bit of techy talk, a bit of workplace gossip, or just talking about what's on at the weekend. There's also plenty of banter about trying to get each other drunk (Christmas parties coming up,) mostly between the men, not me. So I wouldn't take too much account of that, either. If I didn't talk to male colleagues, I would rarely talk to anyone.

But it is making you uncomfortable, so talk to him. Is there any chance you can all meet up? I've met some of my colleagues' wives, but that probably has more to do with me being nosy thsn than them worrying about me.

skyeskyeskye · 18/11/2013 10:40

Yes of course it could be an innocent friendship, but equally it might not be. Some of us speak from experience where it has been more than friendship, and others are telling you how they exchange that level of contact quite innocently.

It is the content in the contact that is the issue. If it is making you feel uncomfortable OP, then you need to trust your instinct and just keep an eye on things.

Joysmum · 18/11/2013 10:54

I too have had friendships like this with work colleagues.

I didn't find the need to report it to my hubby as such, that's the wrong word, but it was a part of my day and part of our small talk about how the day went. I'd find it VERY strange if hubby was omitting details like that. For one thing I'm food obsessed so would like to know how nice the lunch was!

So for me it's not the friendship, it's the lack of discussion about each other's day that would ring bells. Do you really have that much to talk about that he'd forget, or not have time, to mention it? That's what would bother me.

Flora5 · 18/11/2013 13:45

Curtainswitcher, Tell your husband you feel unhappy and would like it to stop, say you would like to contact her yourself and just tell her their level of friendship is making you uncomfortable. He is YOUR husband. If all is innocent both should understand your concerns. If it goes ballistic - there is the answer.

Fairenuff · 18/11/2013 16:46

wider society still struggles when people treat workmates of the opposite sex the same way they treat ones of the same sex

Actually, I think the problem is that he is treating her differently to the way he treats others. I checked with OP at the beginning of this thread and she said this:

"there are lots of emails to other people yes but not every day like her and not as many. I'm pretty sure he doesn't do one on one pub lunches very often"

So, if he treated her the same as Bob from accounts, or John from human resources, OP would be fine and her antennae would not be twitching.

I say trust your gut OP and talk to him. Tell him how it makes you feel and ask him what he can do to show that he values your happiness and peace of mind.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 18/11/2013 16:50

Why do people tell ops to ignore their intuition?

I wouldn't like it op.

LittlePeaPod · 18/11/2013 16:55

So, if he treated her the same as Bob from accounts, or John from human resources, OP would be fine and her antennae would not be twitching.

I treat the 3/4 male friends at work differently to the rest of the people I am working with. I am much closer to them. That doesn't mean anything is going on.

Yes if Op is uncomfortable then she should speak to her DH but I do think sometimes people an jump to a inclusion too quickly and immediately suspect an affair or EA.

LittlePeaPod · 18/11/2013 16:57

That should be " jump to conclusions too quickly".

Grrrrrr IPhone

Fairenuff · 18/11/2013 17:06

I think if there are a group of 3/4 people working together, they may become more of a tight knit team and that's quite natural.

It's just the 1-1 situations which can cross boundaries sometimes. Not always, of course, that is why intuition plays such a strong part in determining if this relationship is 'different'.

LittlePeaPod · 18/11/2013 17:13

Fairenuff. I don't work with the 3/4 of them as part of a team. The work in different divisions and some in different cities. They don't know each other. These friendships are one on one with me. Still doesn't mean anything is going on. They are god friends that I have know and worked with for many years in some cases.

Fairenuff · 18/11/2013 17:34

Fair enough, Pea but that is you. OP is concerned about her dh who seems to have crossed a line. Just because your relationships are appropriate, doesn't mean his are.

So whilst we can all give examples of how we have good boundaries with our friendships, the only relationship that concerns OP is the one that her dh is having with this woman.

If OP feels that there is something not quite right about it, she should know that it's ok to go with her gut instinct and share her concerns with her dh. She should be taken seriously, imo.

LittlePeaPod · 18/11/2013 17:43

I agree if Op is uncomfortable she should speak to her DH. From her Op they have been together 10 years and she has had no reason to suspect anything.

From the brief information given in the op none of us can say whether or not this friendship has crossed any boundaries. My example is an example of the situation Op has described and there is nothing going on.

Op you should speak to your DH openly about how you feel and what you think.

thestringcheesemassacre · 18/11/2013 18:15

I agree with other posters, if you are uncomfortable about the level of contact speak with your partner.

Do you trust him? My H has loads of female work friends. Goes to lunch with them sometimes, travels with them, texts etc. I've met them all and the husbands/partner/kids etc. But I think the big thing is I completely trust him. I get it. I used to work on a trading floor with ALL MEN. I often went to lunch/coffee/drinks with them. I wasn't sleeping with them, we were just mates. Men and women can be friends without having a rampant affair. It is possible.

mrswalker13 · 18/11/2013 18:30

I agree also: speak to your partner because you are uncomfortable. That is reason enough; you don't need 'evidence'.

My job is about communications, building relationships, connecting and I do occasionally use language that could be termed flirty. But it's what I would describe as 'ooh you are awful' flirtation - my DH would (has) seen these sort of messages and rolls his eyes. If I was exchanging daily messages and calls and lunches? He'd be right to be pissed off IMO because that's establishing intimacy not just flirting.

Lazyjaney · 18/11/2013 18:40

"If OP feels that there is something not quite right about it, she should know that it's ok to go with her gut instinct and share her concerns with her dh. She should be taken seriously, imo"

IMO a gut instinct is all very well, but it needs to be backed up with some understanding of the context and a bit of surreptitious digging or it may well blow up in various faces.

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