Separated, pregnant and struggling

[anon81]

Hi all I'm in a bit of a mess, up and down all over the place. I'm 16 weeks pregnant and was told by my hubbie that he didn't love me any more 2 weeks after finding out I was pregnant. At this point I chucked him out, although I love him I cannot be with someone who does not feel the same. I am however really struggling and keep wanting him to come back, Although logically I know this would be the worst thing that could happen. (throughout the 11 year marriage he had 2 affairs and wanted me to have an abortion when he left so we could both move on, although he denies there is anyone else at the mo. I have very little support my family live away in another city and due to religious reasons are not particularly supportive, and as I have only been here a few years and am mostly housebound due to disability I have only one close friend. I am really finding it tough as I have been with him most of my life, and feel so confused about my feelings. I still love him so much, but logic tells me its not healthy for him to come back even if he wanted to. I know it will take time and have experience that time heals all, but i need to stay calm for baby but i feel like an emotional wreak. Any suggestions or just some support would be greatly appreciated.

Oh OP, I'm afraid I don't really have any advice but I just wanted you to know that there are people here who will hold your hand

I am so sorry you find youself in this situation and hope that as time moves on you feel more able to cope and can look forward to holding your baby in your arms.

Oh you poor love, I know what it feels like to be pregnant and separated. It is the most awful thing to go through but you are right, taking him back will not solve anything. Given what you have described you would only be postponing the inevitable.

When I found myself in your situation 2 years ago, I joined my local childrens' centre and was put on to a Lone Parents group. It was a bit different for me as I had a toddler already, so I was already in the mumy groups frame of mind. But even if you can't face that sort of thing yet think about finding out where you can get some support before baby arrives. In the meantime think about asking for info on NCT classes (or a local free equivalent) and pick yourself a birth partner. If you really have no-one you want to consider for that role, a trainee Doula could be a cheap and practical option for support in the pregnancy and early days.

It's incredibly empowering to know that you ARE capable of doing things for yourself and that others have done it too, and been ok. Some of my best mummy friends have come from the lone parents group. You will be ok, my DS2 is now 17 months and so lovely, it's hard to believe how hopeless it all felt when I was at your stage of pregnancy.

It really will be ok to be on your own, once those horrible feelings die down x

I have a family support worker who has been very supportive but there is not much she can do before the baby is born. As for a children s center I would love to meet others in similar situation to my own (Although I would not wish it on my worst enemy) but as I have no children yet it feels a bit odd to go along to a children s center. As for my birth partner my ex has said he wants to be involved in the babies life and went with me to my first scan, so I have told him he could be my birth partner as it is his baby it is only fair, although I think it will be extremely difficult emotionally, but am really hoping that by then I will be able to control my emotions better and that things won't be as raw. I really appreciate the advice and support people :).

I certainly wouldn't be wanting someone who had suggested aborting our baby to be my birthing partner.... he forfeited that right the second these words left his mouth.

OP it's entirely up to you who you have with you at the birth, if you don't want him there you don't have to have him there, he doesn't get a say in it!

no i realize he doesn't have a say, but we have been married 11 years and it is his baby I feel he has the right to be there at the birth. He says the reason for suggesting an abortion was because having the baby will prevent us moving on and because he didn't think I would cope well being disabled and also having to deal with the emotional side of things also. I have never really seen his point on this, but don't feel it a reason for preventing him from being at one of the most important moments of his life, even if he might not realize it now. Also I want him to be able to bond with the baby, and feel seeing the birth may aid this.

from my own experience, all I can say is don't feel you should make promises about this now. I separated when I was 15weeks pg and between then and having my DS I swung wildly between forgiving him (I use that term loosely!!) and being utterly bewildered and furious. Ultimately, I chose my mum to be with me as I had a planned section and felt too vulnerable to have surgery with him there as our relationship had broken down further during the pregnancy.

What I mean is you can't possibly tell now how you will feel in 6 months time so just say things that keep it open like "I will respect your relationship with our baby" and "I will keep you involved from the earliest opportunity". This may be the birth. It may be 6 hours after the birth on the ward. Or the next day. It's ok to put your needs first, you need to be healthy emotionally and physically first - his needs do not equal yours during pregnancy and birth (or your baby's).

Talk, talk and talk more - I'm more than happy to hand hold you through the next few months. God knows MN saved my sanity in 2012 when I was going through my own separation. Much love to you x

Thanks chocoreturns, talking does help, it is the only thing keeping me sane. I have thought that things might change down the line, I just want to be as accommodating as possible also so there can be no reason for him to say you never let me bond with the child and that is why i don't want anything to do with it. But I am having to seriously consider whether having him at the birth is really the best thing, but as you say at the moment it is probably best to keep my options open. I have a great friend I can ask if not, who has been through birth twice herself so at least I have someone who i know will be supportive. To be honest although my ex was supportive during the scan and even for some odd reason held me hand (I think he felt he was being supportive by doing this) I later asked him how he felt about the scan (BIG mistake) he then proceeded to text me for the rest of the day saying that he just felt sorry for it and there was no excitement at all, which kind of spoiled what was before that a very special time for me when I first got to meet my little one. Also the look on his face after the scan was devastating, he just looked miserable as sin, so I'm wondering how i'll feel about him in the delivery room after this.

His reaction to your first glimpse of your baby was to refer to him/her as "it"? Ugh. It's laudable that you want to facilitate his bonding with your baby but please don't feel trapped into having him at the birth, that decision is all about you and what would make you feel comfortable and supported.

for goodness sake don't take him back you either love some one or you don't no midway if he said I don't love you then believe it,wish you all the very best

I hesitate to ask and appolgise if this causes offence but could his reaction to the scan be one of disappointment. He was perhaps hoping that it was a non viable pregnancy and that he is now looking at a financial tie for the next 18 years.
I would not have him anywhere near any scans or delivery room.
He is a leech drawing all the happiness and soul out of what is going to be a very happy and exciting time for you.
Keep talking, we are all excited for you

Hello OP. Just wanted to offer my support.

I think your logic is spot on regarding it not being healthy if he comes back. I get the struggle you're having with your emotions.

Sorry that you are going through this.

Just a thought, know its early day and all that. Is he supporting you financially?

Hi OP, I too just want to offer support and Your situation is really tough, please take advice up-thread to take care of yourself and your baby first, your H has no rights anymore and any privileges are to be given only should they not detrimentally affect you in any way. Keep posting, the support on here is wonderful...xx

Oh god, he sounds a real piece of work. Your wording up thread makes me wonder if you are hoping he will return to you if he's present at the birth? Look, you are grieving, hormonal and terrified. You de not need this man in your life. Nor does your child other than what you feel is right.

I'm a midwife...this is the role of your birth partner: supporting you. Holding your hand, reassuring you, urging you on. Not getting first glance at baby while playing with his phone on the other side of the room or tutting at you etc. please don't have him there. Anyway, as already said you don't need to decide for ages.

Glad you have a support worker. Other ideas as well as Sure Start and Children's Centre are Gingerbread and HomeStart. If you confide in your midwife she may have other local info.

You don't mention the nature of your disability but hope you have any practical assistance you need.

Again, look after yourself. Nurture your baby and avoid stress. Please keep away from your ex and take your friend to the next scan instead. You owe him nothing. Nothing at all.

Hi OP I'm so sorry that you are having such an emotionally difficult time of it. Just being pregnant at all takes its toll on all of us and to have to deal with a break-up as well is very hard. However. The good thing about pregnancy is that it gives you nine months to get used to the idea of being a mother. In order to help yourself do that, I think maybe looking into groups is good, both for now and after the birth. Just being around other people who are also transitioning into parenthood makes you feel less alone, and if you meet people who are parents already that might help you to calm your mind over how you feel about it.

Also, and this is hard, but I would stop worrying about your ex, even about his relationship with the baby etc. Whether he 'bonds' with the baby is not your responsibility - he is an adult and you are thus perfectly entitled to assume that he will find his own way around this. You have enough to think about with getting used to the idea of motherhood and also getting used to the idea of going it alone. You do not need thoughts about him taking up the precious mental space you have at this time.

It's up to you who you want at the birth, but you have bags of time to decide on this just now. I wouldn't go making any promises to the ex or anyone else, but I like the idea of having a good friend who has already been through labour herself. I just think that she would be of more use to you than a man who has caused you emotional pain - being present at a labour is actually quite an intimate experience, and you need to trust your birth partner fully.

Good luck and keep talking!

PS I also went through pregnancy mostly alone, so I know what a roller-coaster ride it can be. I spent a lot of my pregnancy angry with my ex, missing him, feeling like a failure for being single - you get the gist, I think. Now that I'm some distance away from that time, I'm annoyed with myself for giving him so much headspace - he wasn't worth it.

Thanks all for your support and advice, it really is helpful. Although I would love the old him back that I married, I do not want him back as he is. Although the emotions are incredibly hard to deal with, and being also is as you say terrifying. I have severe M.E which means I am housebound most of the time, but have an absolutely terrific carer and social worker, my care hours have been increased since he left as he was my main carer and I am to be reassessed before the baby is born for my care needs, so will have lots of support and although I know it will be very difficult I know I will cope and am looking forward to the challenge. My midwife does know my situation and was the one who referred me to the sure start children s center, which gave me the family support worker. Financially he has been somewhat supportive paying for the electric and a couple of months worth of the dept we have together, however he complains to me that he has no money, therefore the less I have to have him involved financially the better. This month we will be paying half the dept each. Other than that I have enough to cover all my expenses, he has also said he will but baby things, but again i don't really want him involved. After baby is born I will get enough from benefits to be quite comfortable, and any money he would give me would just be taken off my benefits, therefore I will be suggesting that instead he just buys stuff for the baby. He says he wants to have the baby half the time after the birth, however i don't see how he will manage this as he works full time, also obviously while i am breastfeeding this will be impossible as I'm sure he understands.

anon81 Just a quick post at the minute. Will post more later but for now:

*Will child maintenance affect your benefits?
If you get child maintenance

Child maintenance is not counted as income for means-tested benefits such as Income Support, income-based Jobseeker's Allowance (JSA) and Housing Benefit.

This means if you're getting maintenance you won’t get less money in these benefits. Other benefits which aren’t means-tested won’t be affected either.*

See [http://www.adviceguide.org.uk/scotland/relationships_s/relationships_children_and_young_people_s/relationships_child_maintenance/child_maintenance_where_to_start.htm here]

Sorry. [http://www.adviceguide.org.uk/scotland/relationships_s/relationships_children_and_young_people_s/relationships_child_maintenance/child_maintenance_where_to_start.htm here]

www.adviceguide.org.uk/scotland/relationships_s/relationships_children_and_young_people_s/relationships_child_maintenance/child_maintenance_where_to_start.htm

Thanks for the link, although I really don't want anything from him, he will just use it as ammunition, and will resent our child. I would rather have as little to do with him as i can

anon81 i think you should have a good think about it tbh. You don't have to deal with him at all for CSA do it all.

BTW OP, where about are you?

He already accuses me of kicking out of our home and leaving him homeless. The reality is he told me he didn't love me and wanted to leave so later that evening, after being at a friends house, I told him he needs to get out before I got home. The next day I conceded and said he could live here until he found a place. I don't think I could take any more of his accusations of how bad he has it.

So is he living with you until he finds a place? OP it is not your problem at the minute.

I'm furious on your behalf! The cheeky git.