Separated, pregnant and struggling

[anon81]

Hi all I'm in a bit of a mess, up and down all over the place. I'm 16 weeks pregnant and was told by my hubbie that he didn't love me any more 2 weeks after finding out I was pregnant. At this point I chucked him out, although I love him I cannot be with someone who does not feel the same. I am however really struggling and keep wanting him to come back, Although logically I know this would be the worst thing that could happen. (throughout the 11 year marriage he had 2 affairs and wanted me to have an abortion when he left so we could both move on, although he denies there is anyone else at the mo. I have very little support my family live away in another city and due to religious reasons are not particularly supportive, and as I have only been here a few years and am mostly housebound due to disability I have only one close friend. I am really finding it tough as I have been with him most of my life, and feel so confused about my feelings. I still love him so much, but logic tells me its not healthy for him to come back even if he wanted to. I know it will take time and have experience that time heals all, but i need to stay calm for baby but i feel like an emotional wreak. Any suggestions or just some support would be greatly appreciated.

He's driving me potty, I am trying to get the house ready for the baby as early as possible because I know that in a few months I won't be able to do much. So I just text him asking whether he wants a couple of bits of furniture, his reply, I don't know as I don't know if I'll even be able to afford to rent a house again, (he has a room in a shared flat at the mo), so I say well why don't you take your name off the tenancy and then apply for council housing when the baby is born. He is flying off the handle saying I told him I had taken his name off the tenancy (I didn't I just told the council he was no longer living there, it is not possible for me to remove him from the tenancy). He says I am not explaining myself and always give him wrong information.

Ignore him and his childish tantrums. You have more important things to deal with.

Where are you? If you are near me, I would be happy to help you with things.

Is there any way of private messaging you on here, don't want to announce where i am as i don't really want him coming on here and working out its about him

arrr its ok I've worked it out

Sorry OP. I should of thought.

He has been difficult tonight. I told him that rather than text (as we both tend to get the wrong end of the stick) to phone me. I'm fed up of arguing over text about things and nothing ever getting resolved. Needless to say when he phoned he was yelling, and called me names, so I hung up. He says its my fault because i give him misinformation, and refuse to listen to him. Admittedly I do refuse to listen to someone ranting down the phone at me. I told him to phone back when he can be calm. Is this abuse I'm not sure. He often while married use to lose his rage and say it was because I get him angry by not listening not answering his questions, he never use to be like that. He said in the 11 years we were married he had the patience of a saint until right near the end, but that he couldn't take being disrespected anymore and told that his views were not important.

I think he's just trying to turn things around. Make it look like you are the one who is ending this all.

Having him as a birth partner I think would be a disaster. Stress has a confirmed effect on the difficulty of labour. You will need a birth partner to support you if you're going to have the best birth you can for you and the baby. No way is that ever going to be him in these circumstances.

I think he does sound abusive towards you yes. I am concerned that you seem to be tiptoeing around his moods and desperately trying to engineer it so that he doesn't abandon/abuse his child. This is a silly idea. What the child needs is for him to be and show commitment to for you to bribe and cajole him into deigning to help out in the smallest of ways. Doing that makes his relationship with his child all about him and therefore toxic to the baby.

*not for you to bribe...

Yer he screamed that I kicked him out and worse I am having his baby, which he doesn't want me to do. I don't know what he expected after telling me he doesn't love me any more and that he wants to leave. He says I should have stayed and talked to him as he had 12 points he wanted to make which he had found on the internet that showed that our relationship should finish. By the point he told me he wanted to leave I didn't see much point in finding out why it should end, the decision was already made (I had told him that I would do what ever it took to work at this marriage, so for him to say he wanted to leave after that I thought there was not much point in him staying. For his sake I hope he can be more supportive so he can come along to the birth. If he has nothing to do with our child it would be easier for me, but as he does want to be there (that's what he says) I feel like I should make an effort to at least try and be accommodating. He tells me I was abusive and treated him bad though out our 11 year marriage, I admit I did treat him badly for about 3 years after he had an affair which I should not have done but not through out the marriage.

Really finding the evenings hard, so lonely :(

Hello anon81 How are things?

I think he is trying to blame you. Sorry. 12 points he found on the internet? What a dick.

I agree with the posters who say it would be a bad idea to have him at the birth. Any chance your friend can come? You do not 'need to be accommodating.

How are you feeling tonight?

OP you have my full sympathy there. My DP left me last week and I'm busy in the day but I am really struggling in the evenings once I've bathed and put DD to bed
What kind of things are you getting up to?

Hi nice to hear from people :). Hi BigOrange, sorry to hear that, its a horrible situation to be in, how old is your little one? The evenings are the worst, I tend to watch telly and play games in the evening, if I get really bad I tend to phone friends or family or come on here, although I don't have many friends and I'm not close with my family. Lucky due to the M.E I feel tired early in the evening so tend to go sleep pretty early, although its still incredibly hard.

Have you decided what to do regarding your ex at the birth?

All I have decided is that I will wait till nearer the time to find out how he is being, I'm not going to rock the boat just yet by saying he can't come as I am only 16 weeks along, so think it is best to give myself some time to decide.

So is your ex still living back with you until he sorts himself?

No I told him to leave that night and he has not lived here since.

Although he is the baby's father, labour and birthing are very physical things happening to your body and it may involve medical proceedures or you taking strong pain relief which could make you feel vulnerable. It certainly can involve at least partial nudity. I say this not to disempower you in terms of your birth choices but to empower you to see it as something private which is happening to you, he has no right to be there. Indeed if he would make you feel stressed and uncomfortable, things are likely to go more smoothly without him there.

I am happily married to DH and had a very quick, straightforward birth with no pain relief, DH was with me the whole time. When DS was born, I held him and gave him skin to skin contact for the first 50 mins of his life, whilst I was being stitched up from a 2nd degree tear, then DH took some photos of DS and I before he got his first cuddle. He was really respectful of what DS and I needed after the birth - calming skin to skin contact, the opportunity to have a first try at feeding.

If DH had been an ex, I wouldn't have wanted him there. I'd have felt pressured and uncomfortable. Definately don't feel you have to make a decision about this now and you can change your mind if you have already said it would be okay and don't feel you can be honest with him and have him respect your decision. Just don't tell him when you go into labour, say it all happened so quickly (even if it didn't) and phone him once you are ready for visitors.

50:50 care of a newborn baby is not practical, and pretty impossible if you are breastfeeding. I'm sure there will be advice available on what is considered reasonable in the early days. Given that he doesn't sound that interested in the baby now, he may have lost interest in six months time. This wouldn't be your fault (even if he blames you), if he wants to be a good dad then he'll have ample opportunity to be one, if he chooses not to be, nothing you do can make him one.

He sounds like an emotional abusive, cheating git, well done for chucking him out. Concentrate on you and your baby. I'm in Scotland and am unlikely to be close enough to take you out for a coffee, but if you are then feel free to send me a message and we can see. :)