Staying with husband for a child

[horseynewmum]

I feel I have no choice but to stay with husband even though I don't want to be with him just for my DD. I have tried to leave but I've found it hard with trying to find a job and childcare as OH didn't want to look after DD so I could work etc. etc. I feel I have no choice but to stay for her and for her to have the stuff she needs as I tbh can't afford to be a single mum. I know that this has made my OH, my family and his family happy but I know I'm not going to but hopefully with time I can make the most of a bad situation

I'm sure your child and your family would all rather see you happy. Growing up with a mother who is miserable can't be nice or do her any good long term

Better to be apart and happier than to be together and miserable. Also by staying with this man, you actually stop yourself from meeting someone else.

What do you want to teach your DD about relationships?.
Staying for your DD sets an appalling example to her and a damaging one at that for her too. It could leave her with a whole host of emotional problems as an adult. If you are so deeply unhappy that you want to leave you cannot stay simply because he and or his and your family want you to. They do not have to live with him after all.

A poster called Olgaga has previously put up a lot of good information re separation and finances. You also need proper legal advice re separation.

What legal and financial advice did you get last time? What formal arrangements did you put in place in terms of finances and access?

I cant give any advice here but will mention my mum's experience. She looked in to her options of divorcing my dad when I was 9 and my DB was 4. She too realised that it would just be too much of a struggle to leave and she wanted us to have a good childhood. So she stayed, for another 9 years. I grew up knowing that my parents were not happy together, it couldn't be hidden from me. I didn't have a very good childhood and i desperately wish my mum had had the courage to leave sooner.

Your DD will pick up on it eventually.

You need legal advice and other practical advice. OH may not 'want' to care for his own child but he'll find he has some legal obligations towards his DD financially and practically if you divorce. As a single parent there is various state help available on top.

Don't be miserable for your DD's sake. It's a terrible responsibility to put on young shoulders. BTW If you want to stay in the marriage for other reasons, be honest about what those are.

I had a horrible childhood because my mum chose to do this. I knew my mum was unhappy from about the age of 9 and the guilt was crushing

Ditto. My mum stayed for my sake and left 2 weeks after I left home. It was awful to think she lost the best years of her life for me, and when she left and blossomed it was surprising to me how different she was when free.

Having said that, in reality I don't believe she was brave enough to leave do used staying for me as the excuse to stay.

I have numerous mates who are single mums with exes who don't earn much so couldn't afford to pay much maintenance.

From my own experience as the child, I'd say that if you are ready to leave then go.

My mum and dad were together 35 years and that was probably 25 years too long! It's made my mum very bitter in life.

Staying together for the children only works if the commitment to family life acts as a spur for the parents to really commit to work to improve their relationship and family life to lead to a healthy and happy home. It can take a while to get there, and is only worth he effort if both really mean it, and really take steps to rebuild (not just make the right noises about an intention).

It's not the right solution if one person is feeling trapped, neglected or is on the permanent receiving end of shitty behaviour.

As you don't seem to be in, or be able to envisage creating, an adequately happy future for yourself then you are unlikely to provide that for your DC or yourself. This may be the time to start thinking about what sort of home life you want in your future, and making plans to get there. If your DH/DP isn't going to work with you towards that, then it may be time to start thinking about what the future can be like without him.

you're making excuses.

how do all these other women manage to afford it?

you have one child and you'd be entitled to benefits and child maintenance in the worst case scenario (which many people have managed to live on) and you child would only get older and need less of your time - re: going to school.

i'm afraid as a single mum who has managed it even through a period of severe illness i know you're talking shite even if you don't. it can be done.

maybe examine the real reason you don't want to go and please, please don't project it onto your dd and it being 'for her sake' because that's nonsense and not fair.

i don't say this to be cruel - just in the hopes of helping you see reality.

yes you might be on a fairly tight budget but you wont' be homeless or without food or clothes or heat etc and the only way will be up if you have the courage to do it.

I have looked into benefits and all I'm entitled too is working tax credit (if I can find a job round childcare) and child tax credit. I'm not entitled to anything else. My name is on a property and this is why. I have seeked legal advice and told to fight for half the house which I did but I was laughed at by OH. TBH I do feel trapped and I have no other choice. I'm also recovering from a nervous breakdown which I feel I only should get better for my DD. My DD is such a happy girl and that's all that matters too me

So then look for a job around childcare.
When youve found one, then leave.

If your dd is happy now - think of how much happier she will be living with a happy and content mother.

I thought my kids were happy, until i asked him to leave. Now i see my kids are a lot happier! I didnt think they were so suppressed before that!

There is always another choice.
Dont allow yourself to feel/be trapped

Your OH can laugh as much as he wants but if you're entitled by law to half the house then that's what you should fight for.

Are you positive you're not entitled to any benefits? That doesn't seem right if you're an unemployed line parent.

Do you think you will make a good recovery from the breakdown in this environment? How hostile is your oh? If he knows you want to leave and has laughed in your face at the idea of getting half the house then I can't imagine it is a pleasant environment....

Thousands of people manage to leave and make it on their own. I am not wanting to dismiss how hard it is, but have a think about it.... You can't afford to be a single parent... So do you think all the other single parents can? Take strength from the fact that others manage. I wonder if you feel so helpless because you have been encouraged into a dependant situation by your oh and families.

I'm a single mum and claim working/child tax credit. It's actually quite substantial. Seriously, it's totally doable. What if your h dropped dead tomorrow? You'd have to manage then wouldn't you?

How old is your daughter? I also found it hard to make the decision to change her world. But not only am I glad I did, I'm glad I did it when I did - at age 4. She was totally accepting of the split, didn't occur to her that it was a sad thing. I'm so glad I didn't have to deal with the more complex emotions of an older child.

she is 18months. Yes I've checked re other benefits as my name on property and my share worth more then 16k I cant be entitled to anything. I'm not entitled to free childcare at the moment. I do look for jobs but hard to go for one when I don't know when I can get childcare I know staying here is wrong but I do feel I have no other choice

Could you not hand all that you have in savings over to him? I know its a lot, but wouldnt it be worth it in the end?

Another lone parent here, when I left my ex I was working 20hrs a week to fit round school hours.

Initially I was entitled to some HB (on the basis that the family home was for sale and I had moved out due to marriage breakdown).

Once I had the equity from the sale of my house the HB stopped, of course, but I still had wages, CTC + WTC (about £400), child benefit and maintenance. I was lucky enough to be able to buy a house with mortgage with the equity, so my housing costs went down as rents are astronomical where I live.

It was tight but perfectly doable. Since then over the last 3 years I've increased my hours and worked my a* off for two promotions so I'm almost up to the limit for tax credits now. When DS goes to secondary school I will go ft and my wages will increase again.

I'm never going to be well off but we have a comfortable lifestyle - certainly we have less than some people, but a lot more than others.

I hope my DS is growing up understanding the value of work and that iPads, Xboxes and all the other status symbols of the 21st century don't grow on trees and have to be worked and saved for. I would far rather that than him grow up with the kind of awful entitlement and oneupmanship that a lot of people seem to exhibit these days.

The first thing you need to sort out, ideally before you leave, is a financial agreement. I highly recommend mediation if you can get your H to agree to it because the costs are fixed and you could get to an agreement in just a few sessions if you are PAYE and have fairly simple finances.

The other thing you can do if you have agreed to a permanent separation is put in a claim for tax credits in your name only which will be based on your sole income. This could allow you to get settled into a job with a wtc claim for childcare in place before you leave.

You have to be prepared to demonstrate you are living separately under the same roof - separate beds, no shared shopping, cooking or laundry for eg, but I did it for 6 months and no-one came round to check.

BTW... you don't have to 'fight' for half the value of the property, that's what solicitors are there for. If you instruct one to start a divorce, reconciling the assets and getting a fair deal on child-support (assuming your OH is going to be hostile) is all part and parcel.

ok so lots of women on here telling you they've done it.

if you honestly think that there is something remarkably harder/different or exceptional about your circumstances you're wrong and still looking for excuses. if you don't 'want' to leave well there you go but if you're telling yourself you 'can't' well that's just not true.

of course dd is happy -she's 18months old and mostly oblivious other than an instinct of whether mummy loves her and life is basically safe.

you are entitled to HB, CTB, CTC and income support. the only thing you have to do is show the property is on the market or you are unable to live there. there really, really are ways round this IF you want them.

no one is going to buy into excuses here because so many of us will have been there.

if you honestly want help to go there'll beplenty here and i'll help you work out how you claim for benefits despite having a name on mortgage for example.

but you have to face if that's what you actually want or if you want to stick with your pretense that you 'can't' leave.

Yes you may think I'm making excuses but here it is in black and white. I am NOT entitled to HB I have tried that avenue from all different directions and as we currently own our house outright that means I can't. I have been to seek legal advice but H won't sell house/buy me out/or move out as he doesn't think he has to as its 'his' house as he put most money if though both our names on deeds. I also have no money to take him to court and I'm not entitled to legal aid for separation from what I am aware off (if I;m wrong please point me in the right direction)

I did have a job but lost it due to childcare. I worked weekends when H could have DD but it went tits up. I would end up being late as he didn't come from a night out till after I was due to start work or not come back at all and was stuck with a child and no childcare. Now I've lost job and not working H is suddenly around at weekends to help looking after DD. I did ask his parents to help with childcare but they said they couldn't. I asked my mum, she said no as she didn't see why I had to work.

I had been trying to find places to rent. 1 bed places as all I could afford but landlords won't take a single mum with a part-time job on WTC and CTC.

I have tried everything I possibly can and I keep coming to dead ends of what to do. I feel I have no choice now. I feel my path is being decided for me.

My advice OP is to not give up! Can you find a solicitor who will take their fees when the house is sold? Is it on the market? Have you got lots of legal advice? Try lots of solicitors, some will be better than others. Keep fighting, you CAN get out, you can do this. You're doing your DD no favours by staying. It's just a matter of the practicalities. Your mental health will almost certainly improve once you are free.

I did it too. It was hard, I won't lie. But my DD is so much happier, because I'm happy. Your DD needs you to be happy.

Try every organisation you can think of. Help is out there but sadly you have to fight for it.

you need to see a solicitor, you can get the initial consult for free. You are not powerless but you will have to act. Whilst waiting to see solicitor keep withdrawing as much money as you can. Your dh will have to move out or sell IF you access your legal rights. If you choose not to act please don't pin it on being for your child, it's not.