Staying with husband for a child

[horseynewmum]

I feel I have no choice but to stay with husband even though I don't want to be with him just for my DD. I have tried to leave but I've found it hard with trying to find a job and childcare as OH didn't want to look after DD so I could work etc. etc. I feel I have no choice but to stay for her and for her to have the stuff she needs as I tbh can't afford to be a single mum. I know that this has made my OH, my family and his family happy but I know I'm not going to but hopefully with time I can make the most of a bad situation

Horsey you are in exactly the same situation as I was only you don't work. But as I said, I was only working p/t and I always paid childcare out of my wages anyway.

I did it, and I think you can too (after all, I was entitled to the same things as you would be), but it sounds like something is holding you back.

In your shoes I would get a job before I did anything else. Pay for the childcare out of your wages until you are in a position to claim TC in your own name.

Then you've got the first hurdle out of the way, and the next part might come easier.

Have you been to citizen's advice bureau?

I think many posters here are being too hard on the OP. Recent cuts to benefits have meant that things the OP would have been entitled to even as recently as last year have now gone. The thresholds for HB, CTC/WTC have gone down dramatically. (Last year I would have been entitled to some childcare/child tax credit, for example; this year I'm nowhere near.) Legal aid has all but disappeared in the past year due to Coalition govt cuts. It's not just things like the bedroom tax: lots of other things that people, especially women and lone parents, were able to get to help them have been cut (and women are being disproportionately affected). This government really do want to tie mothers to a providing man, unfortunately. I suspect some well-meaning posters don't realise the sweeping changes that have been coming in.

OP, thinking of you, and hoping you can find a way out. A good idea to find a solicitor who would take the fees after the house sale; you may also be entitled to stay in the house for a while while he leaves, if your solicitor can manage it. But yes, I'm aware of the financial realities around this and it's pretty shit. I'm sorry you're having to go through this.

Thank you traininthedistance. Benefits have been cut to make it hard and also it seems if you have owned a property that your well off and don't need benefits. Yes I own a house but without a huge fight and court (costs money that I don't currently have) I cant touch it.

Re finding a job, I do look but how can you work when got no one to look after DD. Sort of jobs I apply for earn less then a nursery fee's and I get no help with that yet and H won't look after her as he don't see why I need to work.

I have looked at properties to rent and no landlord will rent to me. Even properties that have been advertised for months and rent gone down still won't touch me. There seems to be no help for me and I need to keep a roof over DD head

What about working in a nursery so you can take your child?

There are always options. They may not be easy options but they do exist. Womens Aid, for example, specialise in helping women escape abusive relationships but they are also very good for advice where someone, like you, thinks they are trapped financially. 0808 2000 247. CAB are very good at helping people navigate the benefit system and advise on legalities. Solicitors often do not demand fees up front but post settlement. Local Authorities have emergency accommodation for people who are homeless and there are ways and means to present yourself as homeless.

Please don't give up

there totally are options and the benefits cuts don't affect this scenario - i'm not without understanding of exactly what lone parents are entitled to. though obviously owning property effects things hence the need to file for divorce and get things moving asap.

i don't think agreeing oh yes you're helpless and must stay with this man forever helps. there are options - the OP doesn't seem to want to take any.

minimum wage for example clearly IS higher than nursery fees and as the OP has someone else paying all the other bills currently she could indeed get a job using a nursery to be back on her feet when the time comes.

Of course if someone's a 'horsey' new mum... could that mean there is an expensive hobby colouring the judgement about what is and isn't affordable?

it's a choice isn't it? a lifestyle is being chosen over the apparent desire to split up but rather than face that it's easier to say you have no choice or it's for the children.

not fair on the child.

it's fine to stay if you decide that money and lifestyle is worth more to you - just don't pin it on a poor child.

Minimum wage is higher than child minder and nursery fees (in the SE anyway). Once you are claiming tc you will get some of this back.

And tax credits are not affected by any equity, property or assets you may own, although of course if you had a million quid in savings the interest would be counted as income.

Like I said, I think something is holding you back.

What kind of jobs have you been applying for, do you have any qualifications or experience? Could you get onto a course to improve your skills? You can do things like Pitman training in the evenings.

This is one of those "yes....but" threads, isn't it ?

Yes, mist I think it is.

But hopefully someone reading will make use of the advice and experience posted so far.

First of all just cause my screen name is horsey new mum doesn't mean I have horses. Yes I like horses but never had one and never will. I choose that screen name as that's been my career in the past working as groom with horses. I don't have a horse cause I've never been able to afford it and never will.

Yes maybe there is something else keeping me here and its probably cause H is controlling my situation, by not looking after DD when I did work and now saying I don't need to work and also not agreeing to selling or buying me out the house so I can have the funds to rent. I have currently to date not found a landlord that will rent to me unless I have proof off savings as they don't take anyone on TC as they are unreliable form of income as well as working part time. That isn't my fault.

The only way I can see being able to do this is if I leave DD with him and get a full time job to get rented accomendation but he has told me if I do that I'll never see her again.

OK... sorry for making assumptions about your lifestyle based on your name. Apologies. However, please listen..... if you went for a divorce and stayed put in your home he would have no choice eventually but to sell up or buy you out in order to settle the marital assets. You do not have to move out until a settlement has been reached. If his behaviour becomes unreasonable while you are living together there are other ways to tackle it.

Have you taken any professional advice from CAB, Women's Aid, your GP, health visitor, a free half hour from a solicitor or told friends/family how unhappy you are.

Anything ? No glimmer of hope at all ? I know it's hard love, but women leave their husband's every day of the week. It is possible. In this day and age, no person is kept prisoner against their will. If they can all do it, so can you. Find a way. Or stay.

Are you scared of your H?

Sounds like he's made some threats about DD.

Why don't you just go for finding that job first and getting DD into childcare? If your on min wage you will still have a bit left over to start putting away.

Then come back and we can help you sort stage 2, the legal bit.

You don't have to do this all in one go. That can be pretty overwhelming. If you take one step at a time, you can get there.

OP

Why are you unhappy? Your DD is 18months, meaning you were happy 2 years back. Or were you also unhappy before the arrival of your DD?

I'm trying to figure out why you are suddenly unhappy shortly after having your DD.

Yes h has made threats about DD. He has told me if I leave he wants no contact with DD then when I said I still want to leave he said I go leave DD and good luck to getting to see her.

I'm unhappy how I've been treated. I had very difficult pregnancy where I was on long term sick and was in and out of hospital. I had hardly any support from H. Even suggested I got rid so I could go back to work and earn. After DD was born I BF but H wanted me back at work to pay the bills. (He earns enough so we can live comfortably and bills paid and still spend £50-£100 per weekend at pub). He also accepted me to do all housework/washing and have tea on table for when he came home because that's what his mother did for his dad.

I went back to work when DD 11months old because H wanted me too as he wanted help with bills and so I had money for DD stuff instead of asking him. This job didn't last long as previous posts say cause he didn't want to look after DD as he found he couldn't do what he wanted or spend times with his mates.

I had my nervous breakdown in September to the point I didn't see DD for 2 weeks she went to inlaws during day and my mums at night. I've been to doctor for help but not been able to go on my own always have to be taken to appointments to make sure I go.

Dr thinks I've just got PND.

I've told a few close friends who have been supportive.
I've told my mum (don't have contact with my dad) and she has turned against me saying I'm no daughter of hers and I've ruined her family, H family and most of ruined DD

women's aid

Your mother isn't married to this man and sounds no use whatsoever. He's a terrible bully who caused you to have a nervous breakdown. He suggested you got rid of your own baby just so that you could keep earning a crust. That's appalling. If you have PND his behaviour has not helped it all. If you spoke to Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 you'd find you're not alone in experiencing abusive behaviour around the time of the arrival of the first child.

Thank you for Link to women aid. Had a brief scan will look more tomorrow when I can. I didn't realise domestic violence wasn't just physical or sexual so that is something else I have learnt thank you x

You are being abused love

And by association, so is your daughter

Please seek their help in exiting this abusive relationship. You can call (doesn't show on phone bills) or email (make sure you cover your tracks, and also your internet history)

speak to women's aid. speak to a solicitor or go to CAB. there really are answers. being ground down to hopelessness is awful but if you start taking these steps it will get clearer and you will find a way out.