Feel like my marriage is in tatters and don't know what to do

[Justoneyear]

First time in relationships, have NC-ed for this as just feel so ashamed about it all and don't want to out myself.

Quick background - have been married for just over a year. Have only known DH for 3 years and we have a DC, 2 years old. DH is from a different part of the UK but moved here when I fell unexpectedly pregnant. All his friends are back home & he hasn't made any of his own here yet.

My sex drive completely disappeared after giving birth and still hasn't come back, over 2 years later. I could count on both hands the amount of times we've had sex in the past couple of years - we didn't even have sex on our wedding night. It's a big unspoken problem between us. DH would like regular sex but to his credit, he never pushes for it. I would love for my sex drive to return but just don't know how.

Everything has come to a head this evening. Absolutely awful. DH had already been at the pub watching rugby this afternoon and got home much later than he'd originally said. I thought we had settled down for the evening, we had dinner and had started a bottle of wine, when he suddenly announces at 9pm that he wants to go out again. Apparently some bloke he works with (who I've never heard him mention before) was out and he wanted to meet up with him.

I wasn't happy...I thought we were settled for the evening, and tbh we could barely afford for him to go out drinking again today. I felt that if he had been planning to go out, then he should have the courtesy to let me know that in advance. He started ranting about not having any friends down here etc. I lost my rag and all of a sudden, thought that he was off to meet another woman.

This is what I'm really ashamed about - I threw a glass of wine at him. We now have wine all over the wall and fireplace that won't come off. He quite calmly helped me clean it up before announcing that he hates living here, hates living with me, and that our marriage turned sour on our wedding night as we didn't have sex. It became apparent to me at this point that he was actually quite drunk.

He was then still going to go out, I asked him to stay and talk to me instead. He has now gone to bed.

I just don't know what to do. I can't believe this has happened just one year into our marriage. I don't want to give up on us, especially for our child's sake. I want my sex drive back and to make it work.

Sounds like you've both had a lot to deal with in a small amount if time... Him moving, having a baby and getting married... Things take a while to settle, sounds like he got drunk and tempers have flared! Hopefully things will start to work out for you in time... Maybe try going out on your own together on date nights and work on trying to get your sex drive back on track!

That ain't pretty.

You already know that if you want your marriage to work you'll have to want sex, but that means fixing the problems that stop you wanting it. Don't see this as your fault.

But you really need to apologise for chucking stuff at him. You both need to set aside time to talk - a long talk - when you are both sober. And probably do Relate.

P.s we didn't have sex on own wedding night either! Far too tired and tipsy!! It's more common than you'd think I'm sure!!

Just don't feel ashamed. You're having a tough time. Of course you shouldn't have thrown the wine but I'm guessing you already know that and have already apologised for it.

If you want your sex drive back because it's important to you ( not just because your dh has raised it as an issue) then perhaps you can try to take some steps towards that eg speak to your doctor or health visitor.

Your dh has said a lot of hurtful things tonight and he owes you an apology.

You also both owe it to each other to bring the sex issue out into the open. Unless you're talking about it then you have no idea how the other one feels. Some people are happy to have relationships with no sex; for others it would be a breaking point.

Don't try to talk about it when you're still reeling from tonight but if you feel better in the morning (and he has acknowledged his role in tonight's crisis) then perhaps you can bring the issue into the open and face it together. If he feels he has nothing to apologise for, or tries to diminish how hurtful he was tonight then you have a bigger problem than the lack of sex.

Apparently we are the only couple ever to not have sex on our wedding night. Which yes, I doubt!

That stuff is only the start of what we've had to deal with - I often think we've had more crap thrown at us in 3 years than most do in a lifetime and I guess it will take its toll.

I've thought about Relate but it just seems so drastic after only a year and I suppose an admission of failure too.

We didn't have sex on our wedding night either!

Don't see Relate as an admission of failure. It's an admission that you don't have all the answers and understand that relationships are a work in progress.

I did apologise about the wine. I definitely want my sex drive back for me - I used to love sex.

I feel so sad because I suspect that if we had an active sex life, DH would not be announcing at 9pm that he wants to go out to meet somebody he barely knows when we have no money. It feels like I'm not enough for him.

Yeah I agree relate may be a little drastic for the moment... You need some time to reel in what's happened in 3 years and settle in your lives together... Everything is still so new! Don't be so hard on yourself!

Doubt the responses would be so generous if it was the man who'd thrown the glass at his wife...

I'm sure you're right Jean and believe me, I don't feel proud of myself. It was just in that moment, I had convinced myself he was off to meet another woman because we don't sleep together.

But there are no excuses for that kind of thing, I know.

If the tables were reversed and your dh had lost his interest in sex, would you be going out at 9pm to 'meet somebody you barely know when you have no money' ?

I don't know the answer to that question for you but it may be that your dh going out is unconnected to your sex life. Yes, he mentioned that you didn't have sex on your wedding night but he also said he hates where you're living.

I understand why you're feeling vulnerable about sex but it might not be as big an issue for your dh. You won't know until you have that conversation.

Mama is right - don't be so hard on yourself.

I have heard statistics that only about 5% of people have sex on their wedding night... I am one of the 95%, DH was holding my hair as I puked. Still happily married now though...

Can you afford counselling? And see your GP about your sex drive, are you on any hormonal contraception?

Seriously, loads of people don't have sex on their wedding night! they just don't admit to it. It's no biggie.

Find a time to talk when you are both calm and sober. It doesn't sound irreparable. Counselling isn't an admittance of failure, rather a demonstration of commitment to resolving problems.

Can you articulate to yourself when/why you went off sex?

I've just googled Relate and it seems it's about £40 a session which unfortunately we can't afford at all.

I'm not on any contraception - the pill and injection never agreed with me, hence the DC! I should see my GP I suppose.

I do think that sex is a big issue for him and it's making him very unhappy. He's living in a sexless marriage and doesn't even have any friends here. Truth be told, I can understand why he wants to go out and get drunk - it's just hurtful.

So sorry to hear about the evening you've had.

The comment I noticed the most from your post was that sex was a big unspoken problem between you both and I think that's the issue you need work on. Communication really is the key.

See if you can talk about why you haven't had sex, why he's not happy where you live, what would make you both happier etc.

Hurtful things are often spoken/done in the heat of an argument. Yes you were wrong for throwing the wine but he was pushing it to be going out again too perhaps?

Probably a good things he's gone to bed if he's drunk so other things aren't said that you both don't mean.

Try not to feel too down. Although you had a row, it's clear from it that you both have some work to do, and that's what a marriage needs - work!!

Now's the time to be proactive and talk through your feelings with each other.

Wishing you the best of luck :-)

PS - Dh and I didn't have sex on wedding night either! Too tired and drunk so it had to wait till morning!!

Unexpected I know when it happened - as soon as our DC was born. I don't know why. I have wondered whether it was connected to BFing, as I remember feeling quite uncomfortable with DH touching my breasts on the rare occasion we actually had sex. In fact, I still do.

The other thing which I haven't told him, and makes me feel dreadful, is that I do still masturbate from time to time. So clearly there is some sex drive remaining (although it's more just a tool to get me to sleep when I can't).

Bf-ing completely killed my sex drive and made sex uncomfortably dry. It is quite common to not want a man near your breasts when you are bf-ing. My breasts never looked so bountiful, but dh could only see not touch.

So sorry to read your post. Definitely go to your GP and let your DH know you are seeking help and you want to get your relationship back on track. DH is very likely to be worried that the rest of his life is going to be like this (no sex), hence the drinking. Numbs the pain.

Sounds like you are both hurting. Do talk about it with him so he knows you want to work on the issues. And then take action. I am sure he will be happier once he feels that you understand the way he is feeling. At the moment it sounds like you are both feeling very alone.

Good luck. And don't feel embarrassed because you have only been married for a year. The early years can be the most difficult.

Sex would not have to be a 'big issue' for no sex for two years to become a problem so early in a relationship.

As already said you need to sit down and talk when you are both sober and calm. Talk about all the things that have happened and their effects on you both and your relationship. Get it all out there then try to sort through it and see what can be done. Have a look for free or cheaper counselling and talk to your doctor.

I'm sorry but I think you're both with the wrong people. You've had a baby together which seems to have propelled you down the aisle but, if that hadn't happened, it would have probably fizzled out and you'd gone your separate ways. The poor sex life seems to be symptomatic of your incompatibility rather than the cause.

You haven't had regular sex for two years but you have only been married a year. You say you want your sex drive back but yet haven't done anything about it. Even now you don't sound very convincing "I should see my GP I suppose.". Other than sex are you and your H intimate; hand holding, cuddles, kissing etc.

"I'm not on any contraception - the pill and injection never agreed with me, hence the DC!". Were you using any contraception at the time of conception?

You feel going to relate so early on in your marriage would be sign of failure, Is that really true? Or are you concerned that your motives for marrying were more about circumstance and less about comparability and this might be aired.

I get the impression that you and your H aren't really connected and that you both drifted into this marriage. Throwing wine at your partner was aggressive and ugly and you shouldn't have done it. I hope your remorse spurs you on in being more honest and proactive in your relationship.

About half of married couples don't have sex on their wedding night. Are you intimate at all in other ways eg cuddles, holding hands etc? Do you ever get time just the two of you, whether "date nights" or sitting down at home for a meal where you have both made an effort?

If you don't do these basic things, it's a big leap to expect to be able to talk honestly about the issues that are important to you both, such as sex. And it's also unlikely that you will want to have regular sex with someone you don't connect with physically or emotionally in other ways.

You've almost got to start again from scratch and get to know each other again - if you both want to.

Firstly, most couples I know didn't have sex on their wedding night. So don't feel it means anything else. Also throwing wine isn't great, especially if its a good bottle!

see this as a really important event. For you it is about sex, maybe. But your husband sounds lonely and frustrated. Talk through how you both feel and what you want for the next year. When you have a you g child you can easily feel trapped and bored. I don't think this necessarily is a reflection of how you feel about each other but more the shock of so many changes.

Don't loose heart.

Firstly, most couples I know didn't have sex on their wedding night. So don't feel it means anything else. Also throwing wine isn't great, especially if its a good bottle!

see this as a really important event. For you it is about sex, maybe. But your husband sounds lonely and frustrated. Talk through how you both feel and what you want for the next year. When you have a you g child you can easily feel trapped and bored. I don't think this necessarily is a reflection of how you feel about each other but more the shock of so many changes.

Don't loose heart.