Feel like my marriage is in tatters and don't know what to do

[Justoneyear]

First time in relationships, have NC-ed for this as just feel so ashamed about it all and don't want to out myself.

Quick background - have been married for just over a year. Have only known DH for 3 years and we have a DC, 2 years old. DH is from a different part of the UK but moved here when I fell unexpectedly pregnant. All his friends are back home & he hasn't made any of his own here yet.

My sex drive completely disappeared after giving birth and still hasn't come back, over 2 years later. I could count on both hands the amount of times we've had sex in the past couple of years - we didn't even have sex on our wedding night. It's a big unspoken problem between us. DH would like regular sex but to his credit, he never pushes for it. I would love for my sex drive to return but just don't know how.

Everything has come to a head this evening. Absolutely awful. DH had already been at the pub watching rugby this afternoon and got home much later than he'd originally said. I thought we had settled down for the evening, we had dinner and had started a bottle of wine, when he suddenly announces at 9pm that he wants to go out again. Apparently some bloke he works with (who I've never heard him mention before) was out and he wanted to meet up with him.

I wasn't happy...I thought we were settled for the evening, and tbh we could barely afford for him to go out drinking again today. I felt that if he had been planning to go out, then he should have the courtesy to let me know that in advance. He started ranting about not having any friends down here etc. I lost my rag and all of a sudden, thought that he was off to meet another woman.

This is what I'm really ashamed about - I threw a glass of wine at him. We now have wine all over the wall and fireplace that won't come off. He quite calmly helped me clean it up before announcing that he hates living here, hates living with me, and that our marriage turned sour on our wedding night as we didn't have sex. It became apparent to me at this point that he was actually quite drunk.

He was then still going to go out, I asked him to stay and talk to me instead. He has now gone to bed.

I just don't know what to do. I can't believe this has happened just one year into our marriage. I don't want to give up on us, especially for our child's sake. I want my sex drive back and to make it work.

Husband and I didn't have sex on our wedding night. He was too drunk. The same has happened with loads of friends and family. Your husband is focussing too much on that.

I think there is a good possibility that you and DH simply do not know each other well enough to deal well with this. So much has happened in your time together - I bet you have spent far more time talking about weddings and DC than you have just really getting to know each other and building your bond. That is going to make it difficult to talk about these tough issues that you are facing. I'm afraid that I agree with Cog.

You do sound a bit wishy washy about actively sorting this out. It will be very easy for all this to just get brushed under the carpet in the "morning-after" aftermath. If that does happen it will only be until the next explosion so I hope you find the energy and courage to raise these difficult issues calmly with DH.

He sounds full of resentment. I don't think that is going to be easy to break through.

PS - been married twice. No sex first time and duty sex the second time. Your wedding day is often a huge, long, big day. Many if not most people are too knackered/drunk for sex on their wedding night.

thanks for all the replies.

I know I probably do sound a bit wishy washy about it - I've just been hoping that things would improve by themselves and burying my head in the sand.

I have also wondered were it not for our dc whether we would still be together, let alone married. we do have a tendency to row. everything happened very quickly but I do want to make it work.

we are not really intimate anymore. we don't kiss and rarely hold hands.

Wanting to make a marriage work single handed is like wanting to make a see-saw work by yourself.... ain't gonna happen. His little hate speech is probably how he really views things, sadly. Ever heard the phrase in vino veritas?

I agree you have probably married the wrong person but you also need to look at how you behave Op.

Throwing a glass of wine at someone is ugly and aggressive behaviour, as said up thread. Apart from not fitting in with your plans of 'settling in for the night', it was unprovoked.

If a woman posted in this situation, living miles from friends and family, partner refusing sex/affection for two years, having wine thrown at them in a rage for wanting to go out....people would be shouting abuse.

I think if you are going to repair this marriage to this man you don't know well and who is very unhappy with his life that you are going to have to figure out a way to go to counselling.

How about you spend the money he spends on booze on counselling instead?

the money he spends on booze

Other than him having one afternoon watching the rugby yesterday with a few drinks (which he's perfectly entitled to do), where does it suggest that he spends a lot of money on booze?

It sounds to me like the OP's husband has tried to do the right thing in a difficult situation - moved to be with his pregnant partner, giving up friends/family and job in the process - but they are just not suited so it was never going to work out under any circumstances. The OP on the other hand previously still has her existing support network of friends/family/job around her (assuming she works).

Best to call it quits.

But because it's a women being abusive to a man, it's all wishy-washy and "there, there". MN double standards at its very best.

He 'started ranting'. She 'lost her rag'. OK some wine went west but I think it's a stretch to call abuse on the strength of that alone. Not double-standards therefore. But I agree with the rest. This is not a happy relationship, it's miserable. Entered into for the wrong reasons, carrying on well past its sell-by, reduced to sniping and bad-tempered behaviour because no-one has the good sense or guts to call time.

We've had periods in our marriage where I wasn't remotely interested in sex and hubby wanted me.

For me it was a lack of feeling close, lack of self esteem and hormones and life getting in the way. I'm so glad we stuck with it. That we both realised that although we didn't have sex we both wanted to and lived each other dearly. It helped to be able to say out loud that there was a problem and that neither of us was happy about it.

Intimacy returned when the little things in life returned. That little squeeze of hands, cuddles, looking deep into each other's eyes and smiling.

I'm so glad that we didn't call it a day, that we acknowledged the problem, didn't hide from it, put it right. So sad that there's a running consensus that you aren't right for each other based on what you've written. A lot of the replies I see on this forum have really educated me as to why the divorce rate is as high as it is. I suspect that hubby and I will go through a few more bad patches before we both pop our clogs but that's fine, it's worth working through and bad patches don't mean it's a compatibility issue.

"Other than him having one afternoon watching the rugby yesterday with a few drinks (which he's perfectly entitled to do)"

Nobody is "entitled" to watch rugby in the pub while drinking.

I think you need to revisit what the word entitled actually means.

The OP says they can't afford counselling, their marriage is about to fall apart and that might be the only way to save it.

£40 on booze per week wouldn't be that much, but if they are skint and desperately unhappy, then perhaps they should look at a more useful allocation of the money they do have.

Really Cog ? Because if a woman started 'ranting' because we was being stopped from going out, this angered the guy, he 'lost it' and threw a glass of wine at her, I'm pretty sure the response would be different.

To then have a group of men on a forum go on to joke about how you wouldn't want to do that as its a 'waste of a good bottle'...I'm pretty sure women would out calling it minimising aggressive behaviour.

@joysmum ... you realise this is not about sex? The OP's marriage is just 1 year old, their baby is 2 and they've only known each other 3 years. If the problems they describe have been going on for 2 years that constitutes 66% of their time together... a year of that before they went down the aisle. Marriages can have bad patches but most people have a few years of happiness & solidity to look back on and draw strength from. There's nothing here to save

@Nothingsleft... maybe so but I can't legislate for other people's responses only my own. And I would say - as I have done - that glasses of wine being thrown and people 'ranting' or 'losing it' is poor behaviour and indicative of a bad/miserable relationship but not abuse in isolation.

Oh god, the fucking Reversers

All this pointless speculation about what people's responses might have been if a different person posted a different scenario is just fucking stupid grandstanding.

"There's nothing here to save"

I don't think you have enough information to say that.

Presumably at one point they were crazy enough about each other to give this whole thing a go. Even after the baby arrived, they still wanted to get married.

Of course it's been tough for them - an unexpected pregnancy early in the relationship, moving in together and facing the stresses of new parenthood when they didn't know each other well, him moving from his usual home and support network to a place where he was dependent on her at time when she was not in much of a position to support him.

It's not that surprising that they have lost their way, that he is lonely and unhappy, that she is stressed out and responding badly.

Maybe there is nothing to save. Maybe there's everything. But getting some outside help to figure it out one way or the other so they can have a good relationship (either as partners or co-parents) seems to me like it needs to be a priority right now.

Yeah I do Cog. Sex between hubby and I happens when I feel connected to hubby emotionally, he however sees sex as a way to regain connection. It's an indicator of closeness for us and that's why I talked about how to regain that connection by acknowledging the problem and the little day to day things that can be done to regain that closeness.

This is why I was talking about the early years of my relationship with my hubby from a place that's good now. We were in the same position as the OP from what I can gather from what's been written. I talk about my relationship when responding in posts because that's what I have experience of, I'm not imagining how I might feel, I've been there. I certainly could not ever presume to know if the OPs marriage is worth saving or not and can only assume you know the couple to be able to reach such a conclusion?

I guess it all comes down to whether the individuals concerned think the relationship is worth saving and I would not tell anyone that aren't compatible and should split up. You can't know that, I can't know that, only the people involved can.

I'm happy to post an alternative view based on my experience having been through, and come out the other side, of the same problem and then let the OP decide what's right got her. I won't take it personally if she or anyone else disagrees as I don't know anybody on here and nobody knows me. I also don't need to be right.

If all the OP is hearing is from people who have had relationships break ups and being negative then she might think there's no chance for her marriage. Acknowledging the problem, sharing the upset at the problem lets the partner know that neither are happy but want to work on it because you love them.

It's up to the OP to decide whether her husband is worth the effort, but if she wants to try it might be useful to hear from people like me who have been through the same thing and be glad they didn't give up.

I hope this helps you and the OP to understand why I have posted as I have. I also hope it helps any lurkers who might be going through the same thing. If a couple love each other and want to make it work then it can work. Don't let a stranger on a forum tell you you are incompatible, instead ask YOURSELF the question as to whether it's worth trying to make things better and then find a way.

joinyourplayfellows exactly!

How the hell a complete stranger can say a relationship isn't worth saving is beyond me and, I'll use the word, TOXIC!

I'm not saying the marriage in question is worth saving but I'll do the OP the courtesy of asking her to ask herself rather than telling her.

OP, if you do decide you want to try, I can share more details with you via PM. If you decide not to then you know best but don't let strangers who think they know you (me included) sway you. Only you and your hubby can decide and that means starting with how you feel about each other and then working out the next move.

Spot on joysmum...no-one can say that there isn't anything worth saving in someone else's relationship.

They both sound as though they need to connect again and have an open and honest conversation about what is going wrong. Maybe advice from a GP / counsellor will help that process.

They've both had a lot going on in the past few years...marriage, childbirth and, for DH, a change of location which may have meant a change of job. All known stress factors. My DH and I went through something similar when we first got married...the first two years were dreadful. However, we got through it.

And, do you know, the people I thank are the people who encouraged us to stick at it, not the people who told us there was nothing worth saving.

DH doesn't spend a lot on booze - certainly not £40 a week! most weeks nothing. unfortunately we can't afford counselling, we're living hand to mouth as it is.

I think our marriage is worth saving. there is a lot of good there too - we make each other laugh every day which I think is important. we may have lost physical intimacy but we do have a friendship. we share the same outlook on things and parenting etc.

we have been through a lot of stress - don't want to be too specific for fear of being recognised but we went through something very traumatic last year. I'd like to think that I am a supportive not abusive partner.

I do appreciate all the replies.

Nobody is "entitled" to watch rugby in the pub while drinking

He's perfectly entitled to have some child-/partner-free time and spend it in the pub with his mates. Providing his wife gets the same equal free time of course. He wasn't the one who got aggressive....

What a ridiculous thing to say.

Do you ever go our together or have friends over?

Hi justoneyear, You sound like a lovely couple. Make some time for each other and, even if physical intimacy isn't on the agenda right now, show your appreciation of him in other ways (while talking with the GP about getting your sex drive back on track).

Men like to feel appreciated and valued. Make sure you tell him that you still find him attractive too...in my experience, a lack of sex can make men feel as though they aren't attractive any more. That can be really damaging to their self-esteem.

I am sure you will be fine. Talk to each other. Hug each other.

Very good luck to you both.

Have you actually talked today about what happened?

yeah we've talked. we've both apologised, have had a couple of cuddles, and I've let him know I'm going to make a GP appt.

we very rarely go out. that said, we did go away for our anniversary recently which was lovely - we got on well (and even managed sex once!) just a shame it wasn't enough to resolve our issues.

I suspect that if you gave him sex three times a week from now on even if you were thinking about the shopping whilst you endured it things would improve for you both. I know no one will agree with me but it's not going to kill you and you might find you get back into liking it.

Do you masturbate or have you just gone almost 2 years without even an orgasm?

I think you're probably right Sara. if I just got on with it, it would probably get easier. actually I don't dislike it when we do sleep together, I have no problem orgasming, it's more a case of me never feeling in the mood in the first place.

yes I masturbate occasionally, usually to help me fall asleep. which makes me feel pretty guilty.