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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

my sister has terminal cancer..........

39 replies

karmachronicle · 16/11/2013 14:23

my dear sister has terminal cancer, but her husband won't allow me to visit her at home.(it has been like that for decades) he has always been like that, a total controller. he rings me when he is stressed, yet we are only "allowed" to communicate by phone, always been like that.they live in an 11th floor flat, have no friends. she has just left hospital, and will be alone there until the end. he won't allow tv, so it's just the four walls for her.i long to see her, and hold her. of course I could go there, but the anxiety it could cause her would make me feel so bad. I "bravely" went to the hospital to see her,( she was so happy to see me) but he kept ringing her, until finally she suggested I should go home, as I had a long journey.he rang to say she is very weak, but my hands are tied. what can I do, before it's too late.

OP posts:

bragmatic · 16/11/2013 14:30

Oh god, what a bastard. What reasons does he give for not allowing you to see her?

I'm so sorry. You must be torn between wanting to see her and not wanting to make her anxious. Do you know when he isn't there?

flatbellyfella · 16/11/2013 14:35

So sorry to read of your dear sisters illness , if its possible for you to make the journey to her flat, I would recommend you do so, otherwise you will have to live with the self guilt of not seeing her in her terrible predicament . What a horrible man her husband sounds.

bragmatic · 16/11/2013 14:36

Do they have children?

Bearandcub · 16/11/2013 14:37

I'm so sorry to hear you're sister is in this terrible situation. Could you ask her if she would like to stay with you?

Bearandcub · 16/11/2013 14:38

*your

Original poster

karmachronicle · 16/11/2013 14:40

thank you so much for your answering so soon.the reason is......he is allergic to the 21st century, smells etc, yet he goes out every day for a coffee, shops etc, it has been like this since 1969. we used to meet up secretly when she was working. she is 73 and he is 87.i don't know when he will be out.she has always said that he "can't cope" with her illness (bowel cancer and more) so she can't talk to him about how she feels, emotionally, physically , spiritually.just feel total sadness that she is confined to bed, in a miserable flat, undecorated for over 40 years- he is allergic to things- I can't send her flowers- smell- I sent her a new nightdress a few Christmas's ago, but she said she washed it 5 times, but had to throw it away as he said "it smelt"she is in a tomb now. I am going to ring her soon, but I just want to reassure her she is not alone. don't know what to do. i'm afraid to add stress on her, but when you know you are on borrowed time, surely you need a loving sister to hold your hand.

OP posts:

Original poster

karmachronicle · 16/11/2013 14:44

no children, no friends, nothing.i tried for years to help, saying come to stay for a few days -i'm at the coast- the sea air would be good for her, but he wouldn't "allow" it. I managed to get him here 5 years ago, she desperately needed a break from him, but as soon as he arrived, he wanted to go back. she begged me to keep him here, saying anything to make him stay, but to no avail. I always talk to him in a "kind and supportive way" whilst feeling the opposite.she is so weak, sick and vulnerable

OP posts:

FolkGirl · 16/11/2013 14:45

You can contact the Social Services older adults team. You can raise a safeguarding concern with them regarding an adult in just the same way that you can with a child. Your sister has needs that her husband is failing to meet currently.

I'm so sorry to hear about this.

tummybummer · 16/11/2013 14:46

Can't you invite her to spend the rest of her days at your house, being with you and being happy? She's been afraid to get out till now but if she's dying (I'm so so sorry) then maybe this will give her the courage she needs. Tell her you want her to be happy for the time she has left and you're coming to pick her up and to pack a bag.

tummybummer · 16/11/2013 14:47

Why do you always talk to him in a 'kind and supportive' way?? Why don't you say, 'You are abusing my sister and making her life miserable, you selfish, selfish man? Get over yourself and think of her dying needs'

FannyFifer · 16/11/2013 14:48

This is just so sad for you and your dear sister.
What would happen if you just went to visit?

FannyFifer · 16/11/2013 14:49

Agree with tummybunner. If possible can you go and get her?

It sounds as though she will be utterly neglected, will he give her pain relief, keep her clean etc?

Lizzabadger · 16/11/2013 14:50

Was going to suggest social services too. Contact them and explain. This is a safeguarding issue.

Lizzabadger · 16/11/2013 14:50

P.S. I am very sorry about your sister.

Original poster

karmachronicle · 16/11/2013 14:51

last week, at 11.30 at night he rang me saying she had rang for an ambulance. I kept ringing the hospital to try to speak to her. he rang back to say he had spoken to her, so I asked for her personal number, he replied he didn't have it! of course to prevent me speaking to her. after three days trying to find her, a helpful staff member said they would ask her for her number, so I managed to speak to her. she asked if I would come up, of course I said I would and left immediately. she was so happy to see me, but once he found out I was there, he kept ringing her, and eventually she said I should leave.he is totally paranoid about her having any family around.it's a lose, lose situation for us. I will ring her at home now, and try to find out is she has a care package or anything, as she has a colostomy, ileostomy, one kidney, it's pretty desperate.

OP posts:

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 16/11/2013 14:52

I agree with calling SS, they can help and see if shes being cared for.

PacificDogwood · 16/11/2013 14:55

What a horrible situation and how hard for you .

I agree with SS - she is a 'Vulnerable Adult' or should be assessed as potentially so.
There are so many services available for people dealing with cancer, the whole point of them is to make whatever time a person has left on this earth as pleasant and worthwhile as possible.

Can you speak to your sister's doctor? They won't be able to give you any information, but they can certainly listen to what you have to say.

Keep trying to get to see her. This is HER life (and sadly, death), not his.

Rosa · 16/11/2013 15:01

Oh you poor thing. I know its easy to say but I would honestly go there and see her . She is your sister and it does sound that your love for her is stronger than his . She needs all the love she can get right now . Can you just bring her to your house ??? I know it might worry her or possibly upset the husband but I really think you need to put your sister first. maybe her H has some wonderful hidden qualities as to why she loves him and wants to stay with him but right now she needs love and care. Don't leave it and regret it .....

Original poster

karmachronicle · 16/11/2013 15:09

yes, I have been through each scenario, over and over. she is frail, weak, I am going to ring her now as he may be out.
i "speak to him in a kind and supportive way" because if i don't, he will totally cut all communication between us, that's for sure. i have just spoken to her, he was there, so it was a short conversation, she readily promised to ring me as soon as he was out, a definite promise. i asked if she had a care package, she said the hospital offered one, for him, which he refused.(it's not his age that causes him to behave like this, he always has)so any offer of help/support he has refused. i will ring her again tomorrow, and hope he is out, she said she ate a small amount of mashed potato, but in her condition that's about all she can tolerate, she is so ill, yet has to be totally concerned about his mental state. and yes, i would love to go there, pick her up and bring her home, but he wouldn't even answer the door. the stress and anxiety of my action would be horrendous for her. she said how happy it made her seeing me at the hospital - for only an hour and a half- before he interfered, so tomorrow i will hope that she rngs me, although i will call her myself too

OP posts:

FolkGirl · 16/11/2013 15:19

Well a few people have suggested contacting Social Services.

Sorry to sound harsh, but there is no point complaining about this horrendous situation and doing nothing about it.

FolkGirl · 16/11/2013 15:19

What a vile man.

schnockles · 16/11/2013 15:26

I am very sorry to hear about your sister and even more sorry to hear she has a selfish, totally unsupportive and controlling husband.

Please call Social Services as she is indeed a (very) vulnerable adult. If he has refused a care plan it means her colostomy bag, any accidents etc will have to be cleaned and sorted by him. That is extremely concerning. It also means she won't receive the drug she needs and will most likely be in a lot of pain as time goes on.

I'm sorry if this is too much to read for you, but my mother passed away from cancer. She died at home with hospice nurses caring for her. She was in agony and only passed peacefully because those nurses were there administering the correct drugs. Please don't let her pass in pain.

Reality · 16/11/2013 15:27

I honestly dont' understand why you haven't called social services or even the police, in the last 44 years .

He has effectively kept her a prisoner in her own home. Are you younger than her? You need to DO something so her last days aren't miserable.

Please call SS as advised by the earlier posters.

This is so sad.

Original poster

karmachronicle · 16/11/2013 15:29

thank you all for you advice and suggestions.
i assure you it's not a matter of complaining and doing nothing about it, it's thinking it through, and doing my best for my dear sister. now she has told me that a "care package" was offered ......for him, i will now contact social services, and try to work together to resolve this sad situation. i know he is old now, 87, but this is how he has always been.

OP posts:

PacificDogwood · 16/11/2013 16:34

IME people getting older tends to simply make the characteristics they've always had more pronounced.
He sounds very controlling, beyond what could with the best will in the world be described as 'caring'.
She must have care now, NOW. How distressing that would be to him is secondary. I sincerely doubt that the care package was offered to him while she was in hospital; it is more likely that her care needs were assessed and the he turned them down.
Unfortunately, there is a bit of a Catch-22 going on sometimes in that agencies will say "Well, he/she did not want what we can offer, it is there good right to decline"; which is of course true. But only if they have capacity to decline. This sounds like a really complex situation that has been brewing for a long time, but is now very close coming to some kind of nasty head. And your poor sister is likely to be the most vulnerable in this scenario.
Speak to SS.
Speak to their GP.
Speak to the police (non-emergency nr).
Speak to Help the Aged.
Is there a neighbour of theirs they have contact with and who you could talk to?
Do you have children? Would they maybe allow a niece/nephew to take an interest??

The fact that he has 'always been like this' is neither here nor there.
The concern is now for HER and her care.
Please prioritise this in your mind.

My heart goes out to all of you.
He may well be very distressed and upset to see her this ill and is coping by putting the draw-bridge up. It may be understandable, but still not right.

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