my sister has terminal cancer..........

[karmachronicle]

my dear sister has terminal cancer, but her husband won't allow me to visit her at home.(it has been like that for decades) he has always been like that, a total controller. he rings me when he is stressed, yet we are only "allowed" to communicate by phone, always been like that.they live in an 11th floor flat, have no friends. she has just left hospital, and will be alone there until the end. he won't allow tv, so it's just the four walls for her.i long to see her, and hold her. of course I could go there, but the anxiety it could cause her would make me feel so bad. I "bravely" went to the hospital to see her,( she was so happy to see me) but he kept ringing her, until finally she suggested I should go home, as I had a long journey.he rang to say she is very weak, but my hands are tied. what can I do, before it's too late.

I am so sorry to hear about this terrible situation. Sounds like a stupid question but does she want to be with him? Do you think he would accept you visiting if he was told by a professional that it was essential that you did? Have they got nurses etc visiting her regularly? It really is one of the saddest posts I've read.

Keep telling her you love her and offering her phone support. You are doing what you can, many people would have given up years ago because it has been made so difficult to visit. And don't forget you can access support yourself from Macmillan, it may help to talk to someone in real life.

no, it's not a stupid question at all, it's one i have asked myself for years/decades. i believe now she feels sorry for him, and doesn't know how to find a way out of it all. he is sick, she is very ill, i must try to speak to her again when he is out of the home. he certainly wouldn't accept me there, with or without any health professional.i asked her if she had health care/nurses arranged after her hospital stay, but she simply said, quietly, that it was refused, then said it was an offer for him. until i can talk to her again on her own i can't comment on the support, if any she is receiving.i didn't give up decades ago, as she is my sister and i couldn't leave her alone in life.i shall speak to the macmillan in hampstead,after i have spoken to my sister again.thank you all for you messages

This is very sad. As well as or instead, I suggest calling her GP and requesting emergency admission to a hospice. You simply have to see her or speak to her. It seems utterly impossible that she is being even adequately well looked after let alone the wonderful care and attention she deserves after this miserable marriage.

Having said that, she has chosen to stay for a very long time so must feel either some love for this man or an inability to escape. I truly hope she can escape to the haven of an hospice and receive the care she needs and can have her family with her.

Please don't delay. You have asked for advice. Many of us here work within these sectors and are advising you on ways of helping fast.

Equally, if she refuses any help (and one had to hope the hospital tried, they can't have been happy at her refusal of her care package. They may have informed SS, too) there may not be much that anyone can do. You will at very worst know you tried. At best you may be able to effect change,
.

Best wishes and good luck.

thank you. the very last thing i want to happen is that he cuts off all contact from her, i shall tread carefully , i just wish i could pick the tiny bundle that she is, and bring her to my home and care for her in a calm and peaceful way. but until she agrees, my hands are tied. i need to find out what the hospital has offered her/him on her discharge, but until he is out, she won't talk about it.

Keep getting support on here and in real life. You are doing as much as you can and your sister knows you are there for her which must be such a comfort.

Take care of yourself, it must be terribly hard xx

I'm sorry about your sister.

What an awful situation and what a bastard her husband is.
I don't have advice but just wanted to say that I hope that she can go to a hospice to be looked after, she deserves the best possible treatment, surely he could manage to see that if your sister tells him.

So sorry about your sister op, what a difficult situation.

I'm a nurse and have worked I oncology. A care package or hospice place (if appropriate), would most definitely have been offered, esp considering their age. Strictly speaking it is only her that should be able to turn it down but appreciate its a complex situation.

It's highly likely the district nurses will be going in to do something. I would say your best bet is to speak with them and raise your concerns. They will no doubt have similar problems and may have already raised a safe guarding issue. Evidence of a pressure sore or any inability to cope/neglect will be enough for them to get her readmitted and get her better care.

As crap as it is, this type if thing is actually fairly common. Please raise it with someone, they have a duty of care once you do.

thank you.

I hope you can work something out so that you can be with your sister, Karma. Good luck.

Horrified by the situation and nothing constructive to add to the advice upthread. Just struck that your DSis's story serves as a cautionary tale to anyone still in two minds about getting out of an abusive relationship. How tragic to have to face old age and infirmity still at the mercy of your abuser.

Have you managed to speak to her today ??

goodness. I do hope you get to see her and wish you much luck

I'd second ringing her district nurse. Ring her GP surgery as the nurse may work out of there but if not there'll be a contact number.

My dads terminally ill and has a care package in place and it seems to be the district nurse who is our main contact.

I'm so sorry.

karma, I've been thinking of you and your difficult situation.

Did you get a chance to speak to your sister?

Please will you consider phoning her GP today? Her GP may well have no idea what her home circumstances are like.
Also, please don't think of what you are doing as 'interfering', it's a desperate attempt to help her out of an awful situation as she is nearing the end of her life. There are no second chances here .

Wishing you strength and light.