DH, DS and a shoe

[ShoeSmacking]

I'm a regular but have nc for this.

We were out this afternoon and ds was being difficult. He's 2.6, and is currently (still) teething with a back molar. We were trying to get his shoes on and because he was being very noisy and yelling, DH took him out of the main restaurant we were in to the lobby.

DS was still being difficult, writhing and yelling and punching. We have both in the past smacked him lightly on the hand if we feel it's absolutely necessary. The kind that snaps him out of it, but isn't sore. And I don't like doing it so we only do it when he's really going ballistic and kicking/scratching/biting.

DH was putting on his shoe, DS tried to scratch him so DH smacked his hand with the shoe he was holding. DS didn't even notice really and wasn't in the least bit upset but I am absolutely fuming. I say that smacking a child with anything except the hand, and even then only in very rare circumstances, is not ok. DH things I'm being ridiculous and over reacting.

I am so angry right now. DS HAS been hard work all day and both of us have been feeling the pressure as a result. So I understand why he did it. But, surely it's his responsibility to stop and think for a minute even if, as he points out, DS didn't even notice?

I told him that he's crossed a line for me and if he did it again I'd probably leave him. He' thinks I'm being hysterical.

Am I?

oh, and he's not in any other way violent or abusive. He has a temper, but I'm not worried he'll start beating me or DS or anything like that. Normally he's the lovliest kindest man. I just feel he's crossing a line and should think about that to ensure it doesn't happen again and/or ever go any further.

If your DS didn't notice, then I'd say you are overreacting. If you smack with a hand and it doesn't hurt and you smack with a shoe and it doesn't hurt, then I don't see the difference. Not that either will have much effect.

Stalking off and going to get a shoe (or belt, or whatever) shows a lot more pre-meditation and intent and is completely different.. Just as it's entirely different to use a hand and beat a child. He did neither of those things.

Think you are overreacting . Can't have been more than a tap if ds didn't notice, or were you more worried about other people looking ? If ds had been difficult remember you chose to take him out and perhaps aggravated the situation. Ironically I suspect even a tap when he is kicking off has less impact than when he is calm.

I don't know if you're right or not about this.

But you do both need to find a better way to manage your DS when he's being difficult. Were the shoes essential? Could you have left them off? Is DS being difficult because he's in pain and distressed?

If the child didn't even notice then what, you threatened to break up your family because of a technicality?

It's extremely unlikely your OH will start chasing the boy around with a shoe. Just drop it.

This is (one of )the problem(s) with smacking - it can escalate.

You shouldn't be using physical violence against your child at all.

Sounds like you could both do with parenting advice.

He had the shoe in his hand while trying to control DS.
DS didn't even notice.

Yes - you are massively over reacting.

Yes - I can see how it's escalating and they need parenting classes - her DH smacked him so hard he didn't even notice Honestly, get a grip.

I think if you have chosen to tap on the back of the hand as part of discipline, then this is nothing.

He had the shoe in his hand, he was stressed and harrassed and just did what he would have done anyway without processing the fact he had a shoe in his hand.

I'm not sure what the qualitative difference is between smacking his hand with a shoe (that was in his hand anyway, not fetched especially for the job) without it hurting and smacking him with hand without it hurting.

A smack like this is not ideal but it's not the end of the world or a marriage IMO.

I too think you are being hysterical. You'd lose a marriage for this?

I have a child a similar age and there is no way either DH or I would even lightly tap him with a shoe, or a hand actually. I would be so shocked if DH did it that I would consider it had crossed a line. It's illegal too, isn't it? Toddler tantrums are grim, but this is not the way to deal with them.

You're over reacting.

You also need to question whether going out somewhere when your ds is in this mood, you're both tired and things can be difficult was very sensible.

Smacking is wrong full stop so it is a bit hypocritical to be angry with your DH because he uses a different technique to you.

I think your overreacting too. On the basis you both smack/ have smacked and he just happened to have a shoe in his hand at the time. I agree it's totally different from a pre meditated search for an object to use in disapline.

FWIW I was trying to talk to DS once whilst putting shoes on him - that he was trying on. He was wriggling, looking elsewhere, trying to discuss the room. I always use my hand to turn his head to me (palm on cheek) and did it again - with the bloody shoe on my hand Probably looked far worse than it was.

Massive massive overeaction OP

You know, I really find it fascinating to see children of any age finding it ok to attack their parents (and their parents accepting it as if it was normal behaviour/phase/whatever).

Frankly, the best way to deal with tantrums is not to smack or escalate violence, is to put the child in a place where he couldn't hurt himself and let him cry the tantrum out for as long as it takes.

It also works quicker at the end.

I have smacked my child 2 or three times. Once on the hand, not hard. The other on the bottom, not hard either. I think there was a similar third.

I do think you are overreacting.

However, I agree with others that you should stop smacking his hand when he's tantruming like this. You are teaching him it's ok to smak, and it's not really working, is it?
I'd think it's better to restrict him if he hits you, preferably with a hug, with his back to your chest. It will be easier to put on shoes too. :)

And you both have to find tactics of preventing or defusing tantrums as soon as they start. There are some good books around that offer advice.

Oh, that was up to 3 times in almost 9 years, btw. :)

You're being ridiculous. Ds hits you so you hit him and now there's some issue with a shoe being involved. Who exactly is the parent and who is the child? Really there's not much difference between your DS getting worked up and hitting and your DH doing the same thing, except your DH isn't a toddler and your DS had an excuse for being worked up.

Also isn't a tap that doesn't hurt just a touch? I don't think touching really works for disciplining a toddler.

I think you're overreacting too! As others have said he didn't go off to get something to hit him with, just tapped his hand with a shoe he was already holding.

Not worth ending a marriage over.

Use it as a lesson that smacking really doesn't work. Scrap it altogether and read up on other methods of toddler management (which is probably the single most difficult job you will ever do).

FGS don't fall out with your DH over it. United front required.

Thank you all. I was clearly massively over reacting and have apologised to dh accordingly.

You are over reacting - but to be fair do you wonder why you dc is so aggressive ? I never smacked my dd and she certainly never smacked me!

Just don't get smacking

The issue here isn't the smacking with or without a shoe - both are clearly not working. The issue is your child's behaviour and how you sort that out before it worsens. Ok children do have tantrums and refuse to put shows on etc. how you and your H handle it is the issue. I would have picked the child up without his shoes and took him to the car/ pushchair strapped him in and then spoke to him calmly about his behaviour. However there are many ways and you and your h need to agree.

I think smacking can get out of hand so I don't think it should be used.