Hello, tis me, Mouse
I have read back as much as I could through my tears. I knew that this was a very special place to be, albeit a Bus named Gerald etc - but WOW! All of the many words of kindness have been so moving and those of you who have posted on my thread in Bereavement too; thank you so very much.
If no-one minds I'd like to go into a bit of detail as to what happened and how we went from Friday and me packing a bag for a week's stay in Manchester, to being at home again, motherless, by Saturday night.
By all means, don't read on if you will find it too distressing but you're all my friends and mean so much to me xxx
Some of you may know that my mum had MS for a long time, it went undiagnosed for years, she also had diabetes which was a more recent illness but also suffered from lots of other little complaints/illnesses that meant her quality of life was never going to be as good as it should have been.
From a very early age, my mum gave up lots of things to make sure my sister and I were always clean, warm and fed. No matter what that meant to her.
She was left by my feckless sperm donor (who has made NO contact since her passing btw 
) when I was almost 3 years old and it was just us, my sister and mum until she met my wonderful father when I was 9.
At first I resented him because I thought that he wanted to take her away from us but soon realised that he was in fact my hero. He let us move into his house, took such good care of us all, we had holidays, food whenever we wanted it, new clothes, went to the zoo, parks, did things as a family that we'd never been able to do because my biological father didn't care......
I always said that I wanted to find a man like my dad and I have.... DH is my hero, just like my dad, and to see him (dad) as he is now, without the love of his life is heartbreaking.
Mum was a real fighter, nothing would ever let her stop what she wanted, years of illness, misdiagnoses, pills and potions, operations, she beat the lot.
Every single battle, even cancer.......But not this time, this time the battle was just one battle too many. She was admitted with a chest infection that turned out to be one of the most aggressive forms of lung cancer, (Adenocarcinoma) and Lymphangitis. She was absolutely riddled with it.
Walking onto the room on Friday and looking around, the first thing I noticed was that there were no monitors or drips, no alarms, no tubes, just oxygen. It was then that I knew, mum would never walk out of that room ever again. 
I've been talking to dad for hours and my family, I'm exhausted and have to go and do an Annual Review for Nemo's Statement.
And my mobile has stopped replying to texts, I've been told it needs resetting which means losing all of Mum's texts. I can forward them to DH, but they'll come from him and not Mum
I need her. I want her and I miss her.
I can't do this.
I can't let Nemo say to me when I tell him we're going to see Grandad on Friday when we go to the hospital that Grandma won't be there.......I told him last night, "It's just going to be Grandad on Friday"
He replied - "Did Grandma XXXXX (Surname) die mamam? Is she dead now?" and I said yes. I lay next to him silent tears soaking his pillow and my face. Pleading for him to sleep so I could leave the room. He's been off school poorly today and we enjoyed the snuggled time together.
Tomorrow I have to put my mask on as he has his Annual Statement Review..... I could quite easily not go but I have to keep fighting his corner.
I have to keep going, one step, one day, one minute at a time.
I really miss my mum and I want the pain to stop..... so far, I'm sober but I can feel the pull of the numbness calling.
Sorry to be so shit and weak.
So many Brave Babes....... Keep going!
Night and I'm sorry to bring the thread down. xxx