I know i have no right to stop dh drinking, but i just cant let him drink..

[NoAddedSuga]

Please help!

As a child my father was a drinker, used to come home drunk, falling about etc. he left my mother with no money whilst he spent £60 a week in the pub 20 years ago. Due to this and often going without little luxuries like getting the bus into town because there was just no money etc. i ve believed from a very young age that drink is a waste of money, and drunk people are not good to be around etc.

I have had a few nights out in the past when i was in my late teens, but never enjoyed it, dont like the taste, didnt like the atmosphere, and was always very on edge around someone who had, had a drink.

I ve been teetotal for 8 years or so (im now 26) and its never been a problem. I do avoid social occasions were drink will be present and people will become rowdy.

I met dh on POF were i had put of my profile that i was teetotal and would prefer someone who didnt drink etc.

Met dh on it, he said he had never enjoyed clubs, pubs etc and wasnt bothered about drinking.

Fast forward afew years and the other week dh announced when doing the shopping that he wouldnt mind a glass of wine. I was ok with this. Dh had the wine that night, he wanted me to try some so i agreed trying to be sociable etc but had two sips and couldnt drink the rest.

Dh finished off the bottle, said he felt really relaxed and happy, and kept accusing me of having a face on me, which i did not.

The week after dh announced again that he would like to get another bottle of wine. He drank the whole bottle in around 2 hours. Started mauling me for sex, kept telling him i was tired etc had to be very firm with him for about 2 hours. He then accused me to being funny with him etc. he spilt a fair bit of juice over the bed when he was getting a drink and that set off a row as my side of the bed was pissed through with vimto.

I didnt feel comfortable around dh at all, i was quite nervous, on edge and he wouldnt stop pestering me for sex. We had a row, i told him there and then that no drink in this house ever again and if he wanted to drink, then he wasnt coming back here until he was sober. Dh said he felt he had, had too much and agreed the next day about no more drink.

Fast forward to last night and he wants to have a small glass of wine. I said no way, if he wants to drink, he does it away from the house and comes home the next day. It started a row, he says its wrong of me to control him and tell him he cannot do something etc. i know i am being unreasonable, but he knew when he got with me that i didnt like drink.

This has all just happened over the last few weeks, dh says he would like a drink to relax. I cant understand why he just suddenly needs a drink to relax. We never normally argue, i never thought drink would be an issue for us. Before i got with dh, he says he was just a very couple of months drinker, but he wasnt that bothered about it.

I really thought i had found someone compatible with me, and now i feel that as he would really like a drink, i feel like we are not compatible anymore as i have really issues with it.

I ve been with dh for 2.5 years, we have been married for 1.5 years and have dd whos 13 months.

Well I would hate to be with someone where I couldn't have my weekend drinks (one bottle over 2 nights) or fall in at 4am abit worse for wear from the pub.

But I would never start a relationship where this was so incompatible with the other person.

I know im a party pooper, been told it all my life.

I really thought this wouldnt be an issue. But i also know that not many people are teetotal and therefore dont understand people that are

you need to talk to someone about this. relate or somethign perhaps, or go to AA or AlAnon, probbly, i realise your DH doesnt have a drink problem but it sounds like you do. a problem with the drink that is. understandably.

Hi Suga,I'm very similar to you as in been around people who are drinking makes me uncomfortable and I haven't been drunk myself in a long time.I don't like my dp when he's had too much (the way his eyes glaze over freaks me out!) however,I would never tell him he couldn't have a few ciders at the end of a hard week and I agree with your dh it IS controlling to tell him he can't.I think you need some help dealing with your issues with alcohol because I can tell by your op how stressed this is making you and he's only wanting a glass or two of wine!

I don't think you are being a party pooper at all OP. There is a difference between having a glass of wine (which you were fine with) and getting drunk to the point of being so obnoxious to you and harassing you for sex for 2 hours. I wouldn't want to be around someone who behaved like that either and I have no issues with alcohol.

Just wanted to sympathise OP.

DH and i have been through some rocky time because of drink. (his havit, not mine) I used to be relaxed around drinking and drink (i like a drink).

He has his problem well under control now, but the shite he put me through for a couple of years has left me with an anxiety about him having even one can of larger which is totally out of proportion now.

:(

I dont know if this is similar to you, or if i am just waffling! :) But i sympathise, as i said.

Is it the drinking that's the problem or harassing for you sex?

Thats the thing, i was ok the first time, it was the second time, i felt that i may have to hit him to stop him from mauling me.

I just cannot understand why its an issue now, but it wasnt for the last 2.5 years.

I do have an older sister who doesnt seem to be affected by the drink.

My father died when i was 9, because he fell when pissed, died instantly.

I like a drop of alcohol m'self once in a while, and I would regard anyone as controlling who didn't approve of me having the odd glass (although given your background I would understand if it was a problem for you). However, you didn't make a fuss about him having the odd glass, did you, unless you're much misrepresenting the incident. Drinking alcohol is one thing, getting drunk is quite another. I imagine most of us could tuck away a bottle of wine in an evening without becoming a sex pest or spilling fizzy drinks all over the bed - couldn't we?

Can't help wondering if your H has more of a drink habit than you were aware of, ie that he's already fairly well tanked up before coming home and the wine just tips him over the edge. Either that or he's not very good at holding his booze and therefore should be very careful about when and to what extent he chooses to indulge.

I do think there's a problem here and it's definitely not just you.

I don't think you're a party pooper. You don't like drink or drink people and that is your call.

I'm not sure what to advise you but wanted to tell you you're not a party pooper!! Each to their own and all that...u feel for you as your h seems to be throwing this drinking thing into the mix after 2.5 years of it not being in the agenda...

Hi OP, you don't have to defend your position here. You sought a non drinking partner and you were very clear about that. Your OH has decided to change, and his behaviour when drinking is unacceptable. Actually it sounds revolting. This is not about whether or not people should be allowed to drink alcohol. It's about the change in your OH's behaviour and the very real impact on you. It's possible that this is the real and not very nice him coming out. Or maybe he is struggling with something at the moment. Is he willing to talk about this constructively? If he is, please consider couple counselling. If not, can you access individual counselling yourself. Please do not be fobbed off by people justifying his drinking.

how do you cope with other people getting drunk op?

Given that you were up front about wanting a partner who didn't drink I don't think that you are controlling.

Your DH also seems to drink in an unhealthy way. Going from not drinking at all - or very little - to polishing off a bottle of wine in 2 hours seems odd to me.

Is it possible that he was a heavy drinker before and has lied to you?

I can understand why alcohol scares you - but the issue with your DH aside, I think you need some counselling to sort that out.

Your DH has just started drinking again after 2.5 years of not, it's going to affect him much more than it used to, until he gets used to it. He needs to realise this and be more reasonable with the amount he is drinking and you need to realise that he's an adult, he can drink if he chooses - it is your decision whether to stay with him or not though.

You are being ridiculously controlling, for very understandable reasons.

Your DH is behaving stupidly too, finishing a whole bottle of wine, when you don't normally drink is not going to make you nice to know.

You need to talk in a sensible grown up manner.
You need to accept that very few adults are totally teetotal in Britain and he needs to accept you will never be comfortable around alcohol. You need to find a working compromise.

Im wary of others drinking too.

I have an uncle who gets pissed alot and if i know hes going to a family gathering, then i wont go as hes falling all over the place.

I dont think dh was a drinker before we met.

I dont know what to do.

Dh is more than willing to discuss this, its me that shuts off.

I don't drink and DH likes his wine. I'm fine about it as he doesn't turn into an argumentative sex pest while drinking it.
Which doesn't sound like the case here.

He is being totally unreasonable. Aside from anything else, the 'mauling' and pestering you for sex is completely unacceptable. My DP hardly ever drinks. It doesn't mean that on the rare occasion he does he changes his personality and becomes a sex pest! There are no excuses for his behaviour. Have you spoken to him about this specifically?

I expect this is going to become a major point of contention between you. He doesn't want to feel like you are controlling him, and you (understandably) don't want him to drink around you after the way he has acted.

The problem here is that he drinks the whole bottle and gets obnoxious when he's pissed? If so, just buy him a half bottle of wine if he 'fancies a glass or two'. If he wants to get ratarsed he goes out and stays out.

Well he says drinking the whole bottle was too much and he wont be doing that again.

But i dont trust him not to have too much.

Yesterday we were in the car and he mentioned about having a drink, as i mentioned upthread this sparked a row.

He wouldnt back down, completely dismissed my argument about him mauling me etc

So i got angry and told him "well go an drink yourself to death if thats what you want, see if i care!"

Of course i didnt want him to do that, but i was angry as we couldnt compromise on it .

Dh was very upset i said this, and tipped the whole bottle of wine down the sink

i am sure alanon can help. you might need to explore how you feel about your father. as this sounds the crux of the matter, your father's dirnking

He's gone from not drinking to pissed- up sex pest, hmm, somethings not quite right here. It sounds like his drinking is a two fingered 'your not the boss of me' salute. What are his communication skills like normally? Is he prone to passive aggression as a way if communicating.

He's an adult and you can't stop him from drinking but you can say that his pissed up octopus routine is disrespectful and you will not tolerate that behaviour from anyone. If this behaviour is an inevitable consequence of his drinking then he needs to stay away until his handsy alter ego has crawled back to the dark ages.

If you make it about the alcohol he'll get all belligerent, make it about his disrespectful behaviour and he'll look stupid trying to justifying it.

I don't think you are being unreasonable, you have communicated your non-drinking partner preference from the very beginning. I don't like smoking and I would not be in a relationship with a smoker (whether he only smoked outside or not), if smoking made him handsy, I wouldn't expose myself to him or his behaviour.

Good luck.

You arent being unreasonable here.
I understand fully where you are coming from as my mother was and still is an alcoholic. I have all the same issues around drink as you do and i am also teetotal.

I can understand where your partner is coming from BUT ...considering you havd told him your issues around alcohol, why cant he settle for a glass or two. Why does it need to be the full bottle.

What i would feel is that he has been playing the part, and is struggling to play it any longer.

I think he is being unreasonable. You arent saying he cannot drink. You are saying it makes you feel anxious, uneasy and on edge. Yet he continues to finish the full bottle, knowing exactly how it makes you feel...

My ex showed the same behavior with drink, and i told him the same. He stopped drinking and became a cannabis addict instead. Hmm..

Good luck OP. I hope you get this sorted

This is bizarre
Do you think he said he didn't care about drinking when he met you to fit in with your views? His sudden drinking which already seems dysfunctional after a couple of weeks is really odd and suggests that he already had a dysfunctional attitude to drink, or possibly that he has some repressed anger and resentment towards you that the drink is allowing to surface, and he likes it?
You are perfectly reasonable to say no drinking in the house and he can never impose the aftermath of drinking on you (neither drunk or hungover) but beware that this might be taken as licence to stay out and stay at friends' houses regularly which is also a potential issue.

You think she's reasonable to say no drinking in the house? He lives there too!

I wonder whether he finished the bottle because she was looking disapprovingly at him - I know that's childish but a lot of people would respond badly to a disapproving look when they're not doing anything wrong.

When your husband was drinking those nights, OP, what was your physical reaction? Did you look at him every time he raised his glass? Did you wince if he laughed too loudly? Was he physically uncomfortable having a drink?