I know i have no right to stop dh drinking, but i just cant let him drink..

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Please help!

As a child my father was a drinker, used to come home drunk, falling about etc. he left my mother with no money whilst he spent £60 a week in the pub 20 years ago. Due to this and often going without little luxuries like getting the bus into town because there was just no money etc. i ve believed from a very young age that drink is a waste of money, and drunk people are not good to be around etc.

I have had a few nights out in the past when i was in my late teens, but never enjoyed it, dont like the taste, didnt like the atmosphere, and was always very on edge around someone who had, had a drink.

I ve been teetotal for 8 years or so (im now 26) and its never been a problem. I do avoid social occasions were drink will be present and people will become rowdy.

I met dh on POF were i had put of my profile that i was teetotal and would prefer someone who didnt drink etc.

Met dh on it, he said he had never enjoyed clubs, pubs etc and wasnt bothered about drinking.

Fast forward afew years and the other week dh announced when doing the shopping that he wouldnt mind a glass of wine. I was ok with this. Dh had the wine that night, he wanted me to try some so i agreed trying to be sociable etc but had two sips and couldnt drink the rest.

Dh finished off the bottle, said he felt really relaxed and happy, and kept accusing me of having a face on me, which i did not.

The week after dh announced again that he would like to get another bottle of wine. He drank the whole bottle in around 2 hours. Started mauling me for sex, kept telling him i was tired etc had to be very firm with him for about 2 hours. He then accused me to being funny with him etc. he spilt a fair bit of juice over the bed when he was getting a drink and that set off a row as my side of the bed was pissed through with vimto.

I didnt feel comfortable around dh at all, i was quite nervous, on edge and he wouldnt stop pestering me for sex. We had a row, i told him there and then that no drink in this house ever again and if he wanted to drink, then he wasnt coming back here until he was sober. Dh said he felt he had, had too much and agreed the next day about no more drink.

Fast forward to last night and he wants to have a small glass of wine. I said no way, if he wants to drink, he does it away from the house and comes home the next day. It started a row, he says its wrong of me to control him and tell him he cannot do something etc. i know i am being unreasonable, but he knew when he got with me that i didnt like drink.

This has all just happened over the last few weeks, dh says he would like a drink to relax. I cant understand why he just suddenly needs a drink to relax. We never normally argue, i never thought drink would be an issue for us. Before i got with dh, he says he was just a very couple of months drinker, but he wasnt that bothered about it.

I really thought i had found someone compatible with me, and now i feel that as he would really like a drink, i feel like we are not compatible anymore as i have really issues with it.

I ve been with dh for 2.5 years, we have been married for 1.5 years and have dd whos 13 months.

The only time I wolfed a whole bottle of wine I was v sick.

His drinking seems suspicious. How can you go from not wanting or drinking any alcohol to scoffing whole bottles of wine in a couple of hours.

Why would he want to scoff a whole bottle, a glass or two for someone who is normally teetotal sounds more than enough.

I would suspect that he had previously had a problem with drink, but had stopped before he met you.

Can he get some beer in and have a can or two in an evening if he must have something?

Can you ask someone about his past before you knew him?

The pestering for sex is reason enough to insist he doesn't drink much imo. Is there anything that has changed in his life which could be triggering the drinking?

I was ironing whilst watching the soaps whilst he was drinking.

I wasnt really paying much attention to him so certainly wasnt giving dirty looks.

I ve asked if anything has triggered this thing of wanting to drink and he says no but that hes entitled to have a drink to help him relax at the end of the week.

His family havent said anything about past drinking. From what dh tells me is that hes occasionally gone to pubs and clubs but not regularly

He knew the score when he married you. Unwanted and persistent sexual attention is never Ok.

Thats the thing, i was ok the first time, it was the second time, i felt that i may have to hit him to stop him from mauling me.

This is really concerning. No fucking wonder you don't want him drinking round you if that's how he behaves. The fact that you felt like that should be enough to make him reflect seriously on his behaviour. If my DP ever made me feel like that he'd be horrified.

Making something taboo can cause problems ime. That's not to excuse the sex pest aspect. But you need an adult conversation about it.

seems to me you can handle it one of two ways. His octopus behaviour is well out of line btw, no wonder you really don't want him drinking even if you were willing to bend at first. Mind you it could have been the mistake of someone who almost never drinks and then misjudges how much he can handle. but ... eww !

1. you can say 'look you knew up front I don't want any drinking when I'm around. That was a given in our relationship. If that's changed, part of the basis of our relationship has changed and I'm not happy". Basically saying no drinking if we are together. I do think you have the right to say this without being unreasonable; you were absolutely up front from the beginning. If women have to take men seriously when they say they don't want kids from the start, men have to take women seriously if they say No Drinking from the start. It depends really if you think it's worth compromising on.

2. You can bend a bit. HIs revolting behaviour is a real downer, he shot himself in the foot badly there. But you could try again. If he mishandles the booze again though or if he drinks too much regularly, then I'm afraid there will be very serious problems. He needs to absolutely know his behaviour was deeply offputting though.

If you choose to bend a bit, yeah, some counselling might help a bit in sorting out your feelings which helps you decide where to draw the line and what is reasonable to compromise on.

Good luck. I think the drinking culture in the UK is out of control and unhealthy. Some drink is fine, I personally think lovely myself, but what's seen in the UK as normal seems to involve scary amounts. There's nothing wrong with being teetotal!!

FGS you do not have issues and you are not controlling!

You laid your cards out at the start of the relationship. His behaviour sounds vile.

Hiya, I am a fairly new poster so bear with me!

It sounds to me like there are a couple of things going on here. From your perspective, it sounds like you are struggling to separate past from present, and that you have a difficult time believing that some people can drink without it being problematic. This is totally understandable, given your background. My dad feels similarly, for similar reasons. He found it helpful to identify what he considered problematic about drinking, and to avoid situations where those problematic behaviours were likely to trigger bad memories.

Re: your husband, it is a bit of a worry that he has started drinking, and that he is drinking a lot and quickly relative to his recent history. Have you considered chatting to him about where and why this is coming from? You say he is open to chatting, but you shut down. Why not have a conversation where you ask a lot of questions, say very little, reflect on the conversation afterwards, and feedback at a later date?

Finally, I get it. I like a drink myself and enjoy situations where people are drinking or indeed even drunk. Sadly I cannot STAND my husband when he is drunk. He becomes clingy and needy and sappy and rambles on and on about all sorts of nonsense, AND I WANT TO SMACK HIM. We now have a loose agreement: I don't care if or how much he drinks, which is true, as long as he shuts up / leaves me alone / sleeps on the couch if I ask him to do so nicely.

This works for us. When we are out drinking together, he does his own thing which annoys me less.

So maybe it's about identifying what really triggers you, and setting lines under those things? Importantly this must be done whilst sober!!!!

Hope this helps.

You're not the problem. Don't let anyone use your family's very sad experiences of alcohol to say this is all in your mind. Putting everything else to one side, your husband was mauling you for sex for hours when drunk, then got arsey because you didn't accede. That in itself is a big problem.

What is he going to do about it? Is he mortified and going to do whatever it takes to not let that happen again? If he can't drink without doing that to you, he shouldn't drink.

Even if his behaviour wasn't a problem (and it most certainly is) the fact that alcohol killed your DF when you were very young means that I would expect a supportive partner to be sensitive, and put your feelings above a drink. Especially when you went into the relationship clearly stating you didn't wants a partner who drank.

Finally, I am very suspicious of his sudden development into a binge-drinker. And to put his 'new' hobby above your feelings.

It sounds like he is an alcoholic who went dry for a few years and has now fallen off the wagon.

This is why he uses the phrase 'have a glass of wine to relax'. People who don't drink don't need wine to relax. Also, people who want 'a glass of wine' have exactly that - a glass of wine, not the whole bottle.

As you specifically do not want to be with a drinker, there can be no compromise here. You were upfront and honest. He isn't.

I think there are a few separate issues here.

1. your feelings towards drink. I'm tea total too for similar reasons but I think your feelings are out of fear, loathing and quite rightly down to your experiences. You are not a party pooper but I do think from what you are saying your experiences are impacting on your thought process and stress levels more than it should be. Unresolved feelings from childhood perhaps? (Understandably). Perhaps you would feel better with counselling?

2. Your dp is well within his rights to drink. Your dp however should respect how you feel and groping you and acting like a dick is only going to reinforce point 1.

3. changing of goal posts. You thought you were with a non drinker. He isn't a non drinker. That's also a big chance in his habits. Is he stressed? Doing it to provoke? Depressed? A previous drinker who has missed it?

Fwiw my dp goes through stages where he will get a taste for a few drinks quite regularly but then never touched them again. We also have a deal that if he is going out drinking he either stays at a mates or sleeps on the sofa. I prefer the first option but as long as he doesn't come near me I can cope with the second.

Can you talk and without rowing put your point and acknowledge that you may be a little sore on the subject and say you want to find a way where he can have a drink but where you also won't feel stressed out?

You're not a party pooper. You made it clear from the start how you felt. He hasn't been honest about it to you.

It sounds like he is an alcoholic who went dry for a few years and has now fallen off the wagon.

Yes I agree this sounds possible.

Yeah I agree with the dry alcoholic line.

This is not how someone who has never drunk would drink...

I think you need to find out his past drinking patterns OP.

Or rather I mean someone who's never had a problem with drink would drink...

The drinking doesnt sound heavy or extreme to me. OP does not say that her DH has never drunk alcohol just that he hasnt done so for a while.

He is allowed to drink if he wants to. Just because he didnt do so earlier in the relationship does not mean he has to stay stoney cold sober just because the OP wants him to.

However he should reflect on the way he behaved as that was entirely wrong.

you are putting yourself in the role of his mother and he in turn is acting like a petulant teenager, doing something becuase he is told no.

there needs to be a discussion in a calm manner where you explore a solution.

you underline your background and why this impacts the issue even if he knows. you tell him what you feel - you do not tell him what to do.

he says what he feels and what he wants to do and you have to negotiate, In fact you should ask him directly, what solution he thinks is best.

It might be as simple as buying the half bottles of wine, or getting another drink in a smaller quantity - say a couple of bottles of beer on a friday

OP has DH agreed with you that getting drunk is BU now?

I cannot bear my DH when he is drunk. Like you I have issues from my past that mean I do mot relax around very drunk people and my DH thinks he can handle alcohol. He cannot. Over the last couple of years he has behaved like your DH when drunk: leery, grabby, defensive, arguementative.

Following a drunken night where he upset me so much I considered leaving him we had a huge talk about it (we'd spoken before a lot but this was a crunch time type talk) and agreed our optiona were...

1. to split. Neither of us wanted this.

2. for him to never drink again. He didn't want this and I didn't want to be the person to decide he should abstain forever.

3. that he only ever had alcohol when he wasn't around me and made plans to sleep on mates/mother's/sisters couch. We agreed that was likely to drive a wedge between us.

Or 4) he occasionally had a drink as in some alcohol not enough to turn into a massive twat that I couldn't bear to be around.

Luckily my DH took my word about how many srinks were too many for him and has, so far, been a stupid annoying drunk husband twice since we agreed on a plan. That was over a year ago.

I hope your DH listens to you and respects your fears.

I don't believe you are being too controling, his behaviour is bothering you and having a negative effect on the relationship. He'd be an arse to not consider that and try to address it somehow.

I thought the same as Fairenuff as soon as I read the OP. I think he's had a drink problem in the past and he's fallen off the wagon.

So he mauled her for hours when pissed up, when sober he dismissed it when she tried to talk to him about it but she's controlling and too harsh? Really?!

OP I do not think you're in any way controlling. I think he sounds like a selfish nasty drunk and you made it quite clear where you stood on the matter of alcohol from the start. He has broken the terms of your relationship and is shutting you down when you try to talk about it.

I think other posters on here can't see past the fact that THEY like a drink and would resent being in a relationship where they couldn't have one. This seems to be clouding some of the advice offered.

People have issues wirh non drinkers sparklysilver
If you don't like to get drunk or to drink at all you are quizzed about being pregnant/uptight/boring/alcoholic and if you don't like your partner to get drunk you are contolling and a killjoy.
Heard it all for years.
I was once told at a hpuse party I was so much more fun and relaxed when I'd had a few glasses of wine. A fair few people agreed. Looked like right idiots when they were told I'd been drinking alcohol free wine!

I don't think you're being too controlling or unreasonable. Alcohol was one of my deal-breakers too and one of the things which attracted me to my husband was that he didn't drink.

It's a funny old world when you're called a party-pooper for not hitting the booze. :(

He pressured you to drink, because that's what he wanted.

He pressured you to have sex, because that's what he wanted.

The problem's not the booze, it's him.

I think it's entirely understandable that you would be on edge around people drinking. If he really wanted to try and allay your fears but still have the 'one' glass of wine he would like to relax he could address this with you through a number of strategies:

• you both go to a pub or a restaurant, you have a soft drink, he has a glass of wine
• he buys a mini-bottle of wine, so that it only is one glass of wine
• he goes to the pub without you (as you suggested) and the house remains alcohol-free.

But instead he chose to drink way more than a teetotaller could manage and (at best) sexually harass you and (at worst) sexually assault you. Er, and you're supposed to accept that it's his right to keep doing something that leads to this? Why?

You have the right to an alcohol-free home; that was your choice and you were clear about it from the outset. All he's done in the last few weeks is demonstrate why that is the right choice for you. Something of an own goal, really.

It sounds as if you are (understandably) wary of drinkers. You are handling this by being teetotal and wanting to be with someone who is also teetotal. There is nothing wrong with this!
He has moved the goalposts and in doing so proved perfectly that drink doesn't suit your lifestyle. And frankly, even if the OP had sat there giving him dirty looks and huffing it would have been OK because she said from the beginning she wanted to be with a teetotaller. I shacked up with DP in the knowledge that he was left wing. If he came home with a copy of the Daily Fail and started voting UKIP I would be pretty bloody furious.

All that aside, the sexual harassment when drunk is fucking outrageous. He needs to know that was unacceptable (and unattractive) drunk or sober and it can never happen again. I often think that you see someone's true personality when drunk.