Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sterilised at 45 - is it inevitable?

48 replies

sharesinNivea · 16/11/2013 00:31

I'm thinking about this, if it wasn't for my morbid fear of being put out for surgery. I'm 45 and already have two children of 4 and 6 and I would love another baby, but I met a man who at the same age and with no children of his own, thinks he is too old.

He is concerned that he might have health issues when he's older that will burden his young child emotionally, as I believe this is his own childhood experience.

He is quite adamnant that he doesn't want children, but also occasionally remarks he 'isn't brave enough' to just let it happen, and when I had a 'pregnancy scare' (I don't like that expression) he said he was kind of hoping the test would be positive Confused. Naturally, I'm confused.

But I've stopped talking about it now, we've only been dating a year and half after all and don't live together.

He won't have a vasectomy despite it being half an hour in the GP's and all done. So I'm left thinking he just doesn't want children with me, as opposed to at all. I'd be mortified if we broke up and he met someone much younger and decided he did want children after all but couldn't because I'd suggested he had a vasectomy :(

I'm aware of the myriad contraception available and my age and declining egg quality and so on, but I don't want to be stuffed to the hilt with three types of contraceptive modes every time I'm doing the deed, it's just too soul-less.

My sister had three children from the age of 17 and was sterilised iner early 30s convinced she didn't want more, then she met The One and is now broody and considering a reversal.

What do I do? Do I just go ahead and be sterilised anyway, try to convince him a V-tomy is the way (I don't like the thought of having to 'convince' someone), or ... actually I can't think of another option. Is there one? Is it this clear cut, just two ultimate choices?

OP posts:
Glenshee · 16/11/2013 00:34

Such a personal choice. It has to be right for you.

I personally feel happier taking a bit of a risk, but not going through too much of an intervention. But everyone's different.

FluffyJumper · 16/11/2013 01:29

Of course you shouldn't try to convince someone to have a vasectomy.

A year and a half is plenty of time to decide if you love them or want kids together.

Why would you need 3 types of contraceptives?

MrsBranestawm · 16/11/2013 01:38

I don't really understand this. You'd like another baby. When you had a pregnancy scare he was kind of hoping it was positive. Why are you considering sterilisation, or trying to convince him to have a vsaectomy?

Original poster
sharesinNivea · 16/11/2013 01:45

Mrs Because he says he doesn't want children.

OP posts:
Misfitless · 16/11/2013 02:05

Is it just me, or is anyone else thinking that at 45 the chances of getting pregnant naturally are negligible? Also, don't worry about pressuring him into having a vasectomy - I don't think that's possible, believe me, I've tried! (I spent nearly 4 years trying to persuade DH to have a vasectomy. The only reason he's booked himself in now is because realises it's the best thing for him Wink!)

MrsBranestawm · 16/11/2013 02:20

I agree with you, Misfitless. At 45 a pregnancy is possible but unlikely.

Original poster
sharesinNivea · 16/11/2013 02:26

My Mum had 18 siblings, the last child was born when the mother was 48. That's on the maternal side of my family.
On the paternal side of my family, two great Aunts had children in their late 40s.
I had my children at 41 and 39.

An ex boyfriend's mother had his brother when she was 50.

I'm not wholly convinced that getting pregnant in your mid 40s is that rare Grin hence my caution!

OP posts:
CleopatrasAsp · 16/11/2013 02:31

Look, if it's HIM that really doesn't want children (you don't sound that sure about it to be honest) it's up to HIM to take the necessary precautions. If he doesn't want to then he's the one taking the gamble. I certainly wouldn't be taking three types of contraception or having an invasive operation because my partner didn't want any children. Vasectomies are much simpler and easier to recover from than sterilisation so if he's that bothered he needs to get the snip or take other precautions himself!

BOF · 16/11/2013 03:17

Can you not get a mirena? More effective than sterilisation, apparently, and you could leave it in situ until menopause.

Original poster
sharesinNivea · 16/11/2013 03:39

BOF Mirena is 'around 99% effective', same as the Evra patch I'm on. No point changing, they're all about the same 'effectiveness'.

OP posts:
Original poster
sharesinNivea · 16/11/2013 04:03

Hold on. 'More effective than sterilisation'??

I'm vaguely aware you can still get pregnant if sterilised but it would be ectopic and unlikely to survive (which scares me enough) but isn't the point of being sterilised so that pregnancy cannot occur?!

Seems to me I need to go and do some more research Confused

OP posts:
4x4 · 16/11/2013 04:42

Your body is your business and his body his.If you want get sterlised ,do it but don't pressure him to .You have had your kids already but he hasn't and perhaps its your age rather than his that is putting him off.
.He could mets a younger woman later who hasn't had kids and decide to father them.

kickassangel · 16/11/2013 05:15

First of all, sterilization is for you nd no-one else. If Mr Perfect turned up tomorrow and wanted a kid with you straight away, would you want one? If the answer is remotely yes then don't get sterilized.

Secondly, your partner sounds like he is dicking around. At his age he should know if he wants kids. Either he is hugely immature and wants you to make the decision so that he doesn't have to accept responsibility, or he is playing some sick mind game.

If he really doesn't want kids he'll make sure of it, as it is his responsibility to make sure he doesn't become a father, no-one else's.

FluffyJumper · 16/11/2013 10:23

Are you threatening to get sterilised in an effort to shock him into admitting he wants a child?

RandomMess · 16/11/2013 10:27

If you have a means on contraceptive that suits you why bother getting sterilised?

Even if you did decide to have a child and got pregnant straight away you would have a newborn, a 6 year old and an 8 year old. You would then have a child still dependent on you in your early 60s...

Take your desires for a baby out of the equation do you really want that?

Meerka · 16/11/2013 10:41

afaik no method of contraception, including steralization, is 100%. But it does become very very unlikely after a certain point. Sterilization + being 45 does make it seem like a bit of a miracle if preg happens. Now miracles do happen, but by definition they are rare =)

Equally though, careful use of one form of contraception + being 45 should be pretty reliable.

chances of getting preg without contraception? oh they are there. I'm 44 and 16 weeks preg atm. I'd been told it was most unlikely I'll get preg in the first place (our first son was quite a shock). But in honesty, it needs thinking about carefully. It has to be faced that the risks are way way higher than even 5 years ago.

Also, how is your health? could you cope with a third preg / baby? What if he got cold feet and left you coping on your own? and well - at 44+ energy does begin to go a bit. you could be having a stroppy teenager at 60 (joy) - even three of them, maybe!

These things do have to be thought about, though it's not a deal-breaker.

But in practical terms, I should think that the Pill and simply being 45 is protection enough. I wouldnt push him to a vasectomy either.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 16/11/2013 10:45

let him bloody worry about, he's the one who doesn't want to be a father.

EQ2Junkie · 16/11/2013 11:39

As you are not 100% against another child don't destroy your chances of having one no matter how slim they may be.

Make him responsible for his own fertility.

If he doesn't want children he needs to take steps to ensure that doesn't happen.

It is very easy for men to try and abdicate responsibility by women swallowing drugs or inserting foreign objects into their bodies. They do nothing. If an accident occurs it is the woman's fault Hmm

You get sterilized. He moves onto the next woman suddenly it is her responsibility not his to make sure he doesn't get her pregnant because he doesn't want it and so on. Him never taking responsibility.

It's a bit like women suddenly become responsible for all the present/card buying for his family!

Make them sort themselves out like an adult!

Loopyloulu · 16/11/2013 13:12

It is quite possible to be pregnant at 45- look at Cherie Blair and her 'whoops' baby!

Your partner isn't too old- I know of several men who became fathers between 40 and 50, and some nearer 50.

However, birth defects are more common if either man or woman is over 45. So as you are both 'elderly' it's a risk. Down's syndrome for someone your age is about 1:12 as I'm sure you know.

None of us can guarantee how long we will have a parent- and a man fathering a child at 50 may well still be alive at 85 or even 90. I think average life expectancy for a man of 45 now is around 83.

However, if you are arguing in effect over whether to have a child together, and you aren't 'even' living together, then I think it's a no.

The change in dynamics of your relationship would be huge. They can be overcome but if he's not living with you anyway, how much does he know about bringing up a baby or toddler? Does he get all gooey over your 2 and wish he had one of his own? Is he good with your kids- hands on with them?

If you don't want a baby then at 45 the usual types of contraception should work fine. many drs now will prescribe the combined pill for a fit non smoker, up to the age of 50. If you don't want that then the mini pill plus condoms, or a coil should be enough as long as you use condoms correctly- failure rate is supposedly due to lack of correct use ( every single time, and straight away not after a bit of initial penetration, to be blunt!) not splitting.

I think you need to talk to him. You have perhaps another 18 months when a pregnancy is possible but at 48 then it's not that likely.

Lizzabadger · 16/11/2013 13:20

"Are you threatening to get sterilised in an effort to shock him into admitting he wants a child?"

This. I think FluffyJumper has it although you may or may not be conscious of your motivation.

bestsonever · 16/11/2013 15:35

3 types of contraceptive is a little OTT don't you think and says that you REALLY don't want another. Whether he wants a child is up to him. At the moment as you are more dating than in a full-time relationship and don't live together, is a child a consideration?
It seems that if he wants a child he should look elsewhere but if he wants you above that then he will be happy to stay put. Don't consider a child to keep him happy, that is never the answer, especially as you don't even live together yet.

CreamyCooler · 16/11/2013 15:41

Why would you have a sterilisation if you may want another baby?

AuntieStella · 16/11/2013 15:45

According to the FPA, female sterilisation has a fail rate of 1:200; vasectomy 1:2000.

Although vasectomy does not go in to a major body cavity, it is still an operation, and one with a complications rate of 10%. It is not a minor procedure.

Floralnomad · 16/11/2013 15:52

Do I assume from your OP that you have your patch and that you also use condoms and something else ? If that's the case then I really don't think he wants children as its a complete overkill . As an aside my GP told me that my heavy periods ( now relieved by a Mirena ) were probably caused by my being sterilised ,so it's not without its issues ,it's left me seriously anaemic and ferritin depleted .

Loopyloulu · 16/11/2013 16:58

Why are you on the patch? According to some health stuff on the web, it has 2-3 times the risk for blood clots as the combined pill. Is this a wise choice at 45?

Swipe left for the next trending thread