Sterilised at 45 - is it inevitable?

[sharesinNivea]

I'm thinking about this, if it wasn't for my morbid fear of being put out for surgery. I'm 45 and already have two children of 4 and 6 and I would love another baby, but I met a man who at the same age and with no children of his own, thinks he is too old.

He is concerned that he might have health issues when he's older that will burden his young child emotionally, as I believe this is his own childhood experience.

He is quite adamnant that he doesn't want children, but also occasionally remarks he 'isn't brave enough' to just let it happen, and when I had a 'pregnancy scare' (I don't like that expression) he said he was kind of hoping the test would be positive . Naturally, I'm confused.

But I've stopped talking about it now, we've only been dating a year and half after all and don't live together.

He won't have a vasectomy despite it being half an hour in the GP's and all done. So I'm left thinking he just doesn't want children with me, as opposed to at all. I'd be mortified if we broke up and he met someone much younger and decided he did want children after all but couldn't because I'd suggested he had a vasectomy :(

I'm aware of the myriad contraception available and my age and declining egg quality and so on, but I don't want to be stuffed to the hilt with three types of contraceptive modes every time I'm doing the deed, it's just too soul-less.

My sister had three children from the age of 17 and was sterilised iner early 30s convinced she didn't want more, then she met The One and is now broody and considering a reversal.

What do I do? Do I just go ahead and be sterilised anyway, try to convince him a V-tomy is the way (I don't like the thought of having to 'convince' someone), or ... actually I can't think of another option. Is there one? Is it this clear cut, just two ultimate choices?

I'm just wondering why you think you need to be sterilized or he needs a vasectomy as your contraception. Why the need for 3 methods of contraception?

You're not married or even living together so why should you be trying to persuade him to have a vasectomy? If you don't want a kids then I'd go for a mirena. It seems a bit late in the day for a sterilisation. Vasectomies leave some men with chronic pain it's not a simple risk free operation.
You don't try and inflict operations on other people, especially if you aren't even married or living together.
If a boyfriend I wasn't living with tried to persuade me to get sterilised I'd run a mile.

I don't want to be stuffed to the hilt with three types of contraceptive modes every time I'm doing the deed

This totally confuses me - I'm 48 with known fertility problems but a partner who really really doesn;t want more children so despite teh low likelihood of pregnancy I take the progesterone only pill.

One hormone - one pill.

Why the need for sterilisation? If I got pregnant on it and he didn't want it then I would get on with it without him having taken perfectly reasonable precautions myself and him having taken none - my conscience would be totally clear.

You're hardly a teenager who would't cope. And if if its so incredibly important to him then he needs to step up to the plate and take some resonsibility.

I'm 44 and DH and I have been using condoms since DS3 was born 13 years ago. Before that I was on the pill on and of for about 15 years. I don't understand the 3 contraceptives thing.

I do not understand the 3 contraceptives thing at all. Presumably you've been tested for STIs?

Do not have a sterilation if you would "love" another baby. Doing the exact opposite of what you want is a recipe for screwing yourself up, even if the baby isn't going to happen.

But I'd also be very cautious about exploring this with your DH too much anyway. At 45 your chances of having a child together are very slim. Is it really a good idea to talk each other into wanting another child you can't have?

You cannot force him into a vesectomy, especially if this is to call his bluff. Your relationship sounds new and not that committed. I really think it would be quite unreasonable for you to take away any future options. Although it's likely he won' go on to have kids unless he's much younger than you, by 45 people know what they want.

ALS- it's not her DH- read the thread! They don't even live together.

I hadn't even realised I'd typed DH, as you can see I said the relationship wasn't committed.

fluffyJumper No. He's unaware I'm seriously thinking about it.
I don't like your attitude though

The relationship is very committed, Alittlestranger Do you mean that if you are not married or living together, people don't consider a relationship as a committed one?

I don't take 3 types of contraception - just the patch - I said that I 'wouldn't want to be stuffed to the hilt with 3 types ..'

Loupylou Evra Patch is the only contraceptive I've ever used that gives me zero side effects, after a year on Cerazette, it's a beautiful thing

I'm aware of the very high blood cot risk, but all hormonal contraceptives have risks, it's always been a case of choose your evil.

perhaps it's your age rather than his that's putting him off (having kids)
4x4

That's never occurred to me 4x4 and is hard to read but you have a point.

Why did you ask if sterilisation at 45 was 'inevitable'? Most over 45s aren't sterilised.
At 45+ you have only about 4-5 years fertility at max ( and yes, there have been natural births of women aged 50.)

Why would you want or need to use 3 methods- and which ones were you thinking of?

It's not a case of choose your evil- you could have a Mirena coil ( 99% effective) or even condoms used carefully.

I think you are lumping together 3 problems here

1. do you and your partner want a baby ( together)
2. does he want a child ever- with anyone and
3. if he doesn't want a child with you, which method of contraception is best for you at 45.

I don't understand how this is an issue about sterilsation for you or a vasectomy for him. Have you thought about the fact that if god forbid you fell under a bus tomorrow, he might meet someone else and want to have a child with them? So there is no way you should be persuading him to have the snip. That's his choice alone.

Loopylou Yes, absolutely you've hit the nail on the head there. If I did die before him I would have taken away his chance to be a father because I'd asked him to have a vasectomy (but I had only asked because he'd said he didn't want children).

So ultimately it would be selfish of me to ask him to consider it.

I think I'm just going to remain perfunctory about this. The contraception I'm on is as reliable as any other. If by some miracle I get pregnant, it will just have to be accepted. Thankyou everyone for helping me see the wood through the trees.

I asked because it is so far from inevitable that you would get sterilised that I wondered what else could be motivating you.

I'd be interested to hear what attitude you read into my question.

If by some miracle I get pregnant, it will just have to be accepted.

Did you mean to use the word 'miracle' because that makes it sound as if you want a baby?

Of course it won't have to be accepted- there is always the option of termination which a friend of mine had because her DH and her couldn't agree on whether they wanted a child (together) or not.

I think you sound as if you want a baby with this man. I really hope you won't trick him into fatherhood by being careless with contraception- you wouldn't be the first!

Very disappointed with some of these replies, particularly coming from a favourite regular poster of mine over the years :/

loopy Termination is strictly not an option for me.
And yes, of course I'd love a baby with him, that's why Im wondering if being sterilised is a way around that, because he expressly doesn't want children and I don't want to take the risk of falling pregnant because of that.
'Tricking' someone into fatherhood is a heinous statement, and belongs on the teenage lifestyle choices pregnancy board, it has no relevance to my experience or intent and I feel somewhat affronted at the suggestion

So why did you use the word 'miracle' ?

This suggests you'd be pleased by an accidental pregnancy.

In your shoes I'd have used the word 'disastrous'.

And please don't come over all pious- plenty women your age who are not teenagers have had babies that were 'accidents' when in fact it was carelessness, with intent.

I have a close friend whose 2nd child in her late 30s was an 'accident' as far as her DH was concerned ( he didn't want more) but she knew it was because she's stopped taking the pill.

I think you sound completely muddled- both by your level of commitment to this man ( or rather his to you), whether he wants a child ( with someone not necessarily you) and your rather irrational fears of becoming pregnant by accident.

If you are going to feel resentful that he doesn't want a child with you and you do, then how does that play out longer term? It's 4 years since you had a child by another man- why in such a rush to now have another child with a man who doesn't want a child with you and isn't even committed to living with you and the children you have?

OP you sound very muddled. Sterilisation or vasectomy or baby? On one type of contraception but not wanting to be on three, not even relevant if you aren't on three?

In a committed relationship but not living together yet talking about wanting a baby. I can't begin to imagine what your partner must be thinking if you come across like this in real life too.

You can be disappointed at one of your regular fav members responses but I guess you are baffling to many of us trying to wade through what your problem actually is?

The mirena coil has been mentioned a number if times by previous posters. I'm 40 and had mine fitted 7 weeks ago. I too was concerned about the amount of hormones I'd been loading my body with over the years and these hormones vast affected my moods. I stopped taking the combined pill regularly years ago and tried on a number of occasions to resume but recognised each time it turned me into the bitch from hell! Then I tried a couple of types of mini pill with the same results. I was told by a doctor I must be imagining it! Cue third doctor who suggested the mirena and said the hormones were the equivalent of on 3 mini pills per week. RESULT! I've finally found contraception that suit and doesn't affect my moods and I haven't had periods this far which is great for my sex life!

I don't want to be unkind, but this thread is baffling, and I agree with Loopyloulu and Joysmum.

The longer it goes on the more confused I get, but then half the time I wonder if I make much sense myself .

It almost seems that there isn't really initially a problem there but that you are creating one, OP.

We all change our minds from time to time - I spent a good few years trying to get my DH (who was adamant he didn't want more DCs) to have a vasectomy, now he's at the stage of trying to organise it I feel a little sad!

Anyway, you seem to be making things a lot more complicated for yourself than is necessary. What do you actually want to do? What do you actually want to happen? And what are your DP's answers to the same questions? Do you genuinely think you're compatible?

Do you want to spend the rest of your lives together? Do you want to live together? Does he? Sorry if this had been explained before, but if you can be bothered, could you clarify? Thanks x

Is it anything to do with a sudden realisation that the clock is ticking, and you want another baby regardless of who the father is, and that you don't ind that it's him, even if your relationship might not last?

(I hope this isn't an insulting question - but some people do feel like this, and don't necessarily rate being in a stable relationship as of paramount importance, especially if they've experienced loan parenting and can bring up their children by themselves.)

Anyway, I wouldn't advise sterilisation or a vasectomy.

I completely agree with this
Do you want to spend the rest of your lives together? Do you want to live together? Does he? Sorry if this had been explained before, but if you can be bothered, could you clarify? Thanks x

Is it anything to do with a sudden realisation that the clock is ticking, and you want another baby regardless of who the father is, and that you don't ind that it's him, even if your relationship might not last?

I think some plain speaking is required between you. What does your partner want? Why do you not share a home? If you had his child ( by accident) would you share a home? Where is the relationship going?

People do change their minds and it depends on who they meet etc. DH didn't have a huge paternal urge but once we were married he warmed to the idea quite rapidly. Yet a friend's P ( now no longer) felt he didn't want child EVER and as a single childless man had a vasectomy aged about 37. If your P feels so strongly he could do that- but it would be for himself, and not for you, if he thinks he never wants a child under any circumstances. But it's a pretty final choice for guys because you never know what lies round the corner in life and unlike women they can be fathers in their 80s!

Do you mean that if you are not married or living together, people don't consider a relationship as a committed one?

Well yes, unless there are very good reasons I, and I suspect most people, don't consider a relationship that committed if you're not living together.

I agree with posters who say this thread is confusing. It seems you clearly want a baby (but perhaps this is just a pre-menopausal last gasp of broodiness - it's not uncommon) but rather than processing the fact that this is very unlikely you're going for displacement activity in the form of a steriliation. I think you'd be better off coming to terms with your age, relationship status and current partner's views.