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Original poster

Having another baby?

40 replies

BabyBorn · 15/11/2013 22:54

Hello ladies. Been using this site for years and need to vent if anything.

Already have two DC's. I am hanging strong feelings about having another. Body clock or perhaps something else is egging me on to have another. We are financially secure.

Dd 1 isn't Dh by blood, but we have another Dd who is DH's and she's 19 months old.

It's been a real struggle with her as she's been exclusively breastfed and I've done all the babbled stuff which has resulted with having no routine as such and she has seperation anxiety and has always been clingy to me and I havnt really minded although it has been stressful at times as she's suffered terribly with teething from 4 months old and continued to suffer with each and every tooth but only has 4 more left to sprout thankfully. I have been happy with breast feeding and the baby led stuff however it had been a struggle with the teething and her seperation anxiety but I live her so nothing would have changed. She adores my dd1 and they have a very close relationship despite their 7 year age.

DH is 20 years older and isn't too Kean on having another. Im not sure if its because are Dd2 is still co sleeping with us and Is in no set routine or if he just thinks nappy changing has past it's sell by date. He has a 20 year old from previous marriage also. He is a very loving father and husband and we have no problems in our marriage. We run our own businesses so he gets stressed with the demands and things that are involved with owing your own business but apart from that he is loving and happy.

I think I would like another baby, but not sure If I should. What would you do? TIA.

OP posts:
Original poster
BabyBorn · 15/11/2013 22:55

I ment I have done all the baby led stuff!

OP posts:
Original poster
BabyBorn · 15/11/2013 23:02

Just some other info to make things clear, I have done all the nappy changing and feeding. Although DH is probably disturbed at night as the lack of room in our bed as we bed share with our dd2. He hasn't been hands on, but I've been happy to do everything and he would do whatever I ask of him so its not as if he's not interested in the children because he is. He is a good father but thinks he's getting too old to start again now. He had just turned 48.

OP posts:
NothingsLeft · 16/11/2013 07:39

I think if he's not keen then you need to discuss what that means.

Is it a definite no or is it just not at the moment?

Misfitless · 16/11/2013 08:01

Maybe he, would feel differently if you didn't already have 2 DCs co-sleeping - you've hinted that this might be a reason. Do you plan to get them sleeping independently anytime soon? I hope this doesn't sound judgey, but as an outsider looking in it does seem that with no routine and two DCs sleeping with you and DC, adding another DC into the mix would be quite a strain. How would you even fit a baby in your bed (assuming you want the baby to co-sleep, and assuming you have no plans to move your other DCs in their own bed)? How old id DD1, OP?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/11/2013 08:08

I'm 48 and I'd have a breakdown from lack of sleep if I had two little kids sharing my bed and someone wanted to add another one to the mix... Hmm If he thinks he's too old to start again, please listen to him.

Misfitless · 16/11/2013 08:08

Sorry, OP, just re-read..so is DD1 8.5 years?

NothingsLeft · 16/11/2013 09:36

I can't see where the op says DD1 is co-sleeping...am I missing it? I read it as DD2 is co-sleeping.

Misfitless · 16/11/2013 10:03

Sorry, you're right NothingsLeft! Just re-read Blush

Original poster
BabyBorn · 16/11/2013 11:31

Yes, only the one Dd co sleeping. I am in the process of changing this gradually by trying to get her sleeping in her own bed and then own room, but initially her bed will be in her room.

Not sure if its a definite no, he's confused me by saying "never say never" then other times he shuts off and doesn't say much, just lets me do the talking ( but he's never been a talker anyway) I suppose it depends what he's doing and how hard his day has been to what he actually says about it all. I'm in no doubt he's worried that a next child would be as much hard work as the youngest one and I think this put him off. She can be a challenge at the best of times but she's a girl after all! I suppose the babyled stuff hasn't helped and he blames this on her more challenging behaviour. They do have a very strong and close relationship and he adores her.

I really want to listen to him of he says no to another, but I also really want to go the right way about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
BabyBorn · 16/11/2013 11:36

And Dd 1 is almost 9. She has a routine and has slept in her own bed since she was 2.5 yo

OP posts:
TheXxed · 16/11/2013 12:28

Hello baby born you mentioned he has a 2O year old from a previous marriage. What sort of relationship does his first child have with your daughters?

Perhaps your DH wants to save to better financially support his first child, it is a very difficult employment environment for young people.

Twinklestein · 16/11/2013 12:42

He's got 3 kids now, if he doesn't want another that's fair enough.

Shellywelly1973 · 16/11/2013 12:43

I see your dh point of view but I also appreciate yours.

You mention about your youngest dd not being in a routine- is thst an issue for your dh? How do you not have some sort of routine when you have a school aged dd?

On MN co sleeping/bf/baby led parenting appears to be the norm but I've not experienced this in RL. Possibly your dh struggles with the idea of spending another few years with a dc in the bed & all that goes with child centered care. Have you ever discussed the style of parenting you've chosen? It appears by your post thst you do everything & he does nothing- whose choice was this?

Maybe its an age thing?

Communication is needed on both sides here!

paxtecum · 16/11/2013 12:47

Do you think DD2 would have problems with not being the centre of your attention?

If her behaviour is already challenging, then it won't get better if there is a new baby demading your attention.

Having another baby would almost certainly make all your lives very stressful to the detriment of your relationship with DH, DD2 and DD1.

There was a thread on here last year, from a woman, LalaDipsy, who talked her very reluctant DH into another baby.
The baby turned out to be twins.
She had three children under two years of age.
DH did not cope, he turned to the bottle.
They split up.

bestsonever · 16/11/2013 13:42

If you co-sleep at 19 months I'm not surprised there is separation anxiety. To me that seems OTT, but I'm willing to defer to others points of view on that. Love my son to bits but no way would I share a bed with him unless ill and needed keeping an eye on. I feel that the longer a situation stays the same, the harder it is to adapt so at some point when DD2 is in her own bed and not being breast fed, because it is further down the line, it will be harder and cause more anxiety for her to adapt.
I do wonder who it is that has the separation anxiety, is it as much yourself as you seem to have held onto the breastfeeding and co-sleeping an extraordinarily long time ? Your DH must be an easy going fellow. No surprise he would not fancy doing it again though.

Misfitless · 16/11/2013 13:57

I agree bestsonever.

MatildaWhispers · 16/11/2013 14:09

In your OP you say that you 'think' you want another, so you don't sound very sure yourself.

Three children can be really hard work, and any new baby would be your partner's fourth. Please don't pressure him as he may be a great dad to 3 but it doesn't mean he will find it easy to be a great dad to 4.

tummybummer · 16/11/2013 14:51

I'm afraid that if he doesn't want another then there's nothing left for you to decide.

Tbh, the babyled stuff is great, but people take it too far and let the baby dictate even to the expense of their marriage. Your husband hasn't had his wife alone in bed for nearly two years... no wonder he doesn't want another one!

NothingsLeft · 16/11/2013 15:20

I think you are getting a hard time here op. DS is the same age & still BFed, we co-sleep if needs be too. Nothing wrong with that. I'm assuming your DH understands you in your patenting style?

Four DC's is a lot, both emotionally and financially. I know my cut off would be three. He is also older which must play a part too.

Floggingmolly · 16/11/2013 15:25

You don't know if you should... Here's a clue; your husband doesn't want another - therefore you shouldn't.

Misfitless · 16/11/2013 17:05

I've just started a thread about baby-led parenting on sleep, as I didn't want to hijack this one. If you've done the baby-led thing, and have nothing better to do with your time, please can you take a look. Thanks x (It's probably been done to death but I'm really noseycurious.)

Viviennemary · 16/11/2013 17:12

Well I quite wanted a third but DH didn't. Though he did say if it happens it happens but thought two was enough to cope with for us. He was good at getting up in the night and so on when they were past the bf stage which I wasn't when we were both at work. So he had a point. But you just have to work out what is best for you both.

Original poster
BabyBorn · 16/11/2013 20:10

Wow. Thanks for all the replies, positive and negative.

The reason I say I think I would like another is because I have lost a baby 10 years ago so althought pregnancy is beautiful and a positive experience for me usually, it's also an anxious and scary time due to a loss years ago.

I agree, he hasn't had me to himself for 2 years, nor has he grumbled about this or expressed any problems he has with this situation.

19 months isn't an extraordinary long time to co sleep or breast feed I don't think. I believe it's just not the norm over here in the uk, therefore people think its strange or the mother clings on to it all for her own benefit. I can assure you this isn't the case as I would love my boobs back if only for a short while.

The routine with my first has to be a set one as she has school etc so I manage this with her around my younger daughter.

Relationship with my daughters and DH son is ok. Don't really see him that often as he has had some difficulties to done degree accepting that his dad has two children living with him and he doesn't. He lives with his grandmother and his mum left him with her when he was 13 but that's another story.

DH's son has recently started his own business in a shop next door but one to DH's shop so he makes his own money and no pressure regarding that from DH.

I do all the caring for both Dd's because my husband works hard to bring the money in but he would never refuse to help me if I asked. I'm abit old fashioned and believe the child caring should mostly be done by me as I am home with them all day.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 16/11/2013 20:18

a baby has to be with your dh wholehearted agreement,it's not unilateral decision
broody or not,your dh needs to want another baby.its A big ask both need to want
Have a frank talk,dont be overly sentimental do be realistic,a good chat is required

Orangeanddemons · 16/11/2013 20:19

I had my last dc at 42 and dh was 46. She is 7 now, and no way would I have another. I have much much less energy than when I was younger, and long for peace and quiet in a way I never did when younger.

Sorry but I'm with your Dp on this...