Having another baby?

[BabyBorn]

Hello ladies. Been using this site for years and need to vent if anything.

Already have two DC's. I am hanging strong feelings about having another. Body clock or perhaps something else is egging me on to have another. We are financially secure.

Dd 1 isn't Dh by blood, but we have another Dd who is DH's and she's 19 months old.

It's been a real struggle with her as she's been exclusively breastfed and I've done all the babbled stuff which has resulted with having no routine as such and she has seperation anxiety and has always been clingy to me and I havnt really minded although it has been stressful at times as she's suffered terribly with teething from 4 months old and continued to suffer with each and every tooth but only has 4 more left to sprout thankfully. I have been happy with breast feeding and the baby led stuff however it had been a struggle with the teething and her seperation anxiety but I live her so nothing would have changed. She adores my dd1 and they have a very close relationship despite their 7 year age.

DH is 20 years older and isn't too Kean on having another. Im not sure if its because are Dd2 is still co sleeping with us and Is in no set routine or if he just thinks nappy changing has past it's sell by date. He has a 20 year old from previous marriage also. He is a very loving father and husband and we have no problems in our marriage. We run our own businesses so he gets stressed with the demands and things that are involved with owing your own business but apart from that he is loving and happy.

I think I would like another baby, but not sure If I should. What would you do? TIA.

Also forgot to answer a question somebody asked, i spoke to a health visitor recently about having feelings that I may want another child and if it happened how would I manage with having Dd2 so clingy and still breast feeding and she just said, you will sometimes be surprised how a child can just change to adapt to a new change and it happens a lot but I obviously don't know if this would actually be the case.

I breastfeed my first son until he was 20 months and I was 20 weeks pregnant with my second son. DS1 is now 2 and seems to be reacting well to his newborn brother. IMO if they have a secure attachment, children adapt, and you've clearly worked to give your daughter this.

However, that really isn't the point. The point is that you need to have a serious conversation with your DH to find out whether he is adamant about having no more children. What were your initial plans for children as a couple? If he doesn't want any more (and his reasons are pretty reasonable) then I can't see how you can really.

When DC3 (or DC4, in his case) is a teenager, your DH will be in his 60's.
The chances are he'll be 70 before this child is financially off his hands. In fact, with your Dd2 - that'd be 2 teenagers and twice the financial outlay later on.

I'm not surprised he's reluctant. I think you're asking a lot.

What else could you do if you didn't have any more children? Study? Work? Do you see yourself doing other things or is being a SAHM what you want to be doing for the next 15 years? Many people on here are saying that he is a bit older, and he has enough kids, but you are also youthful, and if someome marries someone twenty years younger than them and they are really into being a SAHM, then i would have thought it pretty predictable that they might want more than 2 children..... So he should be respecting your age and position too....

I don't believe that broodiness = right to a child. A feeling of needing a child and it actually being practicable, or even wanted by both partners are not the same thing. A couple of my friends were desperate for a third child but in one case the partner was dead against it, and in the other the partner had an illness that affected his fertility & it wasn't possible: they have now acclimatised to the two they had already, are completely happy.

Why was it pretty predictable that she'd want more than 2 children, Pistillate? A SAHM isn't the equivalent of a brood mare...

Floggingmolly

I'm with you OP, I'm so broody!

Given that you're only 28 I can completely empathise with your wanting to have more DCs.

If it were me, with a 7yr age gap, I think I'd definitely want to have at least another one so that I'd have two closer in age, and all the brilliant benefits that a smaller age gap brings.

However, even if we had the space and the funds, and even if my DH were prepared to be a SAHD and do the lion's share of the night-feeds, my head tells me that at 39 ...no!

I can also understand your DH's pov, too. At 48 I'd want the baby and toddler years to be firmly-behind-me fond memories. I'd be wanting my DCs to be a little more independent, and to have a little more time and energy to invest in my marriage. Maybe he just wants to be able to spend more time with you as your youngest gets older and starts nursery and then school.

Age is personal, by the way, I'm in no way saying that all you wonderful pregnant 40+ yr olds, are too old to have kids, or that any dads 45+ are too old to have young DCs.

I don't think having 3+ children makes anyone a brood mare! For me, if my main focus in life was home and family, I would like a larger family. I did not intend to start a SAHM/wohm argument... We make assumptions about the husband in this op feeling that his age is a crucial factor in deciding family size... Well how about the younger partner's age being a factor too? She has got 10 or more years to listen the tick tock tick tock....

I don't think the decision to have another baby can ever be a compromise. If one partner doesn't want another baby, then you can't have another baby with that partner.

...you are right Pistillate but surely you can't intentionally bring another child into the world knowing that one parent is dead set against it?

Not if you want your relationship to survive, anyway. I see not having a child as the lesser of the two really impossible decisions to make, IYSWIM; the alternative might result in resentment, bitterness, the breakdown of a relationship, a child growing up feeling less wanted than his/her siblings....To me, not having another DC, but perhaps regretting it for years to come, is better than the potential alternative IMHO.

I know this isn't helpful, but as you've put this whole situation out there, can I ask...did neither of you see this as a potential stumbling block given the 20 year age gap? I'm curious to know if you discussed the number of children you both wanted before you got married..I know that what you think you want, and what you actually want can be two different things, and that people change their minds, though.

No woman has right to gave baby because she broody,it's negotiated
If man say no,that's it.no more baby

Some good points have been made here. Thanks.

I don't think I wrote that I had the right to have another baby because I am broody though!

I really don't think its a money worry though. Certainly not. I think the main problem is yes hes worried than when hes 70 the children will still be teenagers etc and he doesn't think its fair to the children. To be honest a friend of my has just recently lost her husband (shes 36 and he was 54) they have 3 children 12,8 and 2 and he died of a sudden heart attack...so anything is possible in life.

Yes I do have plans to work, we plan to open another shop in the next few years and the plan was for me to manage it. However, I didn't want to start working and then decide I really wanted another, for husband to agree and then me have to stop working again for x amount of years until I was ready to go back. I had been recently thinking wouldn't it make more sense that if I had another now then we could delay opening another shop for say maybe an extra year then I could go back. I was thinking I would have to parent differently to get my child to a childminder at roughly age 1-1.5 and then set about thinking opening up the shop and start working. I don't wish to stay at home all my life no but it doesn't mean it wasn't impossible to have another then after a reasonable amount of time at home with the child I could return to work, with the older two both being at school at that point.

I don't want the RIGHT to another baby, I just wanted a little reassurance and thoughts on managing the full load or whether it was a ridiculous idea. I wouldn't want another baby without DH say so as it just wouldn't be right or something I would want to do, no matter how desperate I might feel for another at any stage. After all I do have two already.

I didn't want any to start with as I wasn't ready. I already had DD for a previous relationship and as I was only 19 then I didn't want anymore. At the point I had DD2 I was more than ready. Had never had a feeling like it to be honest. It was a much wanted pregnancy and I was very desperate to have her. So, we didn't really discuss more kids as I had one and was not ready for anymore at that point in time, but like someone has already said, we do change. Before I had DD2 in July 2010 I started to feel broody and it took over every day of my life. I couldn't stop thinking about it, to make sure I was ready and its what I really felt I waited until the following January to discuss it with DH and I didn't fall pregnant with her until the July. So I didn't jump straight it. I wanted to make sure what I was feeling wasn't a phase or confusion or anything else for that matter. I have felt broody ever since I have had my DD2.....but over the last few months the feeling has started to get stronger.

sorry for typos and terrible grammar, typed it up on my phone!

I would add that baby led parenting doesn't make the child more dependant, long term quite the opposite. Your child is how she is because that's her. Another baby could be very different. They are born themselves.
As to having another, with two committed parents it has to be what you both want.

Thanks for your response to all our posts, Babyborn . It's nice when an OP takes the time to answer all the questions, and be so open. I often find that when people come up against a bit of criticism on here they clam up and get all defensive.

Anyway, I hope that you both can agree and be happy with whatever choice you make.