Was he seeing her all along? or Am I to blame?

[HippyTea]

I've spent the past 5 years with the same man who has a very unsecure line of work. He's spent the first 3 years flitting between countries in the winter months; as I was always working I could never go with him. Last year he landed a more permanent job at home and our relationship was better than ever. We were coming into a bit of money and discussing our plans for a new home and family but around August he lost his job after being unprofessional during a disagreement with a boss. He'd promised to look for more stable work so I was very disappointed when he applied for a job in the middle east and went.

We were barely able to communicate between October - December. I was having problems with work and unfortunately my father fell very ill. Things were pilling up on me and without my partner there I ended up with mild depression which I began exercising to combat as advised by the doctor. When my partner finally came home he got a job on the other side of the country and meant we began more of a weekend relationship. He was frustrated at my dedication to my new exercise regime and said I didn't make much of an effort with him which boggled me as I made just as much effort to communicate as I always have when he flitted about. I tried to make more effort, things seemed to be okay and he booked us a get away for our 5 year anniversary.

The week just before our break I went out on a very rare night out and he phoned me continuously to ask who I was with and what I was doing. Totally out of character and not at all his behaviour. The last call of a night ended with him calling me a selfish C*nt. The next day I called to discuss and tell him I was so upset about his behaviour the previous night and he launched in to questioning if I ever loved him. Stupidly I said "what do you think, I'm still here supporting you and your choices after all these years".

For two weeks he didn't speak to me, see me and avoided my calls. Then when he finally did he was annoyed with me and demanded I admit fault. To say I was to blame for the break down of the relationship. I tried to talk about his distant behaviour and how hard I have found it to have depression whilst he hasn't been about to support me but that only got me back to being ignored.

Another week past and I discover in those two weeks after he split he had been dating another girl near where he works because she tags him on Facebook. I drove 200 miles to see him for the first time since before our row, not giving him the chance to avoid me. When I get there Friday night he isn't happy and doesn't want to talk at first. But we still end up sharing a bed, the weekend goes up and down. From behaving like a normal couple, to turning on me every time his phone rings or he gets a message. On sunday night we sleep together and once finished but still connected he tells me he's not sure he feels the same… yet in the morning when I leave he tells me he wants to try again. From the moment I arrived home and for two more weeks he completely cuts me off again. I receive a message from the girl he's dating saying that she isn't interested in him anymore for some reason (I never contacted her) and then the week after they change their relationship statuses on Facebook as together.

I'm back on antidepressants and all over the place. My partner never once broke up with me just ignored me. I feel like all of this is so surreal. Am I being ignorant?

So sorry this has happened to you. :(

He sounds like a twunt, and it looks like he moved on but didn't really have the courage to tell you.
His jealousy sounds more like projecting his own disloyalty to you, and trying to pick up a fight to break it up, instead of doing it himself.

Not sure what you are thinking of doing, but do not contact him again.
I'd be doing things to keep me occupied and to raise my self esteem.

Remember, it's him, not you.

He has treated you appallingly. Of course you aren't to blame for him being a nasty waste of space. You've been therough the mill and it'll take time to feel better but please don't consider getting back with him. Ever. Work now on getting healthy and building your self esteem back up. I know it doesn't feel like it now but you've had a lucky escape. He did you a favour by fucking off.

Have you got any real life support?

I bet he was seeing her for a lot longer than the two weeks.
He's a grade A wanker, leave her to his selfish behaviour. At least going no contact will be easy.

I cannot believe the nerve of the man, you stand by him through all his rubbish jobs and even when his big gob gets him sacked and he actually has the audacity to blame you for the breakdown of the relationship when he is also having a sexual relationship with another woman.

Seriously, don't give him any more head space, I know it's hard for you but really, get out there and find a man you can at least rely on to have regular contact with. His over-reaction of you being out and calling you a cunt is simply his own guilt over treating you like shite and not even having the guts to end it with you in a civil way.

Time to call it a day, sorry.

You can do far better than that.

Thank you.

I've been really struggling the past two months as this has come at a time where I also lost a few family members and I've got to the point where even getting out of bed seems like a success these days.

It's felt like he has wanted me to take the role of "bad person". He even demanded I apologise to his parents for upsetting them because I apparently ruined his get away plans when he decided to stonewall me .

All I do is think and try to make sense of this situation. This depression makes it hard to cope with my feelings and I know for a while during our relationship I was quite numb, but he has known all the way through that I have depression and that I was struggling. To talk about children and houses and then be dating a new person just two weeks is just a mind fuck.

I do have support in real life thank you, I just find it very hard to discuss this as many of the people in my life who try to support me are so desperate for me to just be happy and better that they listen and don't hear me, almost as if they want to sweep away the negatives.

I get what you mean about them not listening. Say what you need to say here, there are unfortunately plenty who know how you feel.

What meds are you on? Do you feel they're helping?

You will drive yourself batty trying to make sense of the situation - you don't actually really know what was going on when he wasn't with you so just accept there was and is another woman, that's all you need to know. You're blaming yourself cos you think you did something wrong - you never, he fucked up big style and for that there are consequences and btw mtg that other woman whilst with you is a very crap way to begin any relationship so I don't expect that will last long, just make sure you tell him where to go when he tries to get back with you cos you're a safe bet.

Citalopram and then Diazepam for instances where I think I may have a panic attack.

I do feel they are helping, today my doctor changed my dosage and arrangements to see a counsellor are being made.

Thank you for your response

Depression is hellish at the best of times. I'm glad the meds are helping, and also hope the counsellor is good. In all honesty given all that's happening in your life it'd be more surprising if you weren't.

His behaviour is more than ignorant - it's downright cruel. He's wanting someone else to shoulder the guilt for him, and resenting you because he has a niggling feeling he's being a shit, and he doesn't like it. You sound like you did everything possible to support him in every way, and for him to treat you so disrespectfully and nastily at the end of a long relationship is horrible.

I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but thank God he did this before you had children, and not after. Imagine what he'd be like to them, if he's this selfish and entitled?

You are as far from ignorant as it gets.You have been an angel.

If you can,try and come to terms with not having this individual in your life in the future.

Well done with the depression,it's horrible.

Counselling can be surprisingly helpful sometimes.

honestly, the sooner you can clear your mind of this twat the better

try and pick up your exercise regime again. set yourself some goals and throw yourself into it. it made you feel better before and it will again

Having known a man that used to deliberately seek out long-term jobs overseas so that he could leave his DW and DCs for months on end and enjoy a secretly gay lifestyle.... I'm always slightly dubious about the 'working away' arrangement. Rather than torturing yourself about why he behaved the way he did, do look after yourself.

During out last row some weeks ago I had said to him I was finding this all very hard to comprehend because he'd given me no closure, no end just stonewalling.

He's back in the vicinity this weekend to visit his family which he's let me know… told me I can "come over". I told him that I'm obviously not going to turn up to his parents house (the ones he demanded I apologise to because they were disappointed to have lost me as part of their family… who haven't acknowledged me in weeks… ). He's given me the "well I tried".

I have a black bag full of his stuff, so tempted to drive round there now and just hand it over and never look back.

I drove round there, phoned him and said could you meet me at your door to collect your stuff please and his reply was "if I have to". Long story short, he didn't so I left it on his porch and then received a message telling me I was childish and ruined the chance to be friends…

ARGHGHGHHG

Sounds like you did exactly the right thing!! No contact sounds like a dream come true!

Nice one OP

You are well rid. I bet your,mental health improves no end.

Really sorry he turned out to be such a shit, under it all you sound very strong

What a louse. No, its not your fault, its his. He is just trying to lay the blame at your door. Don't let him. Don't engage with him and you will start to feel a bit better.

Good on you. Why would you want to be friends? He sounds like he hasn't really realised the extent of your pain. Silly silly man.

Hope you are coping with the increased dose of meds and hopefully counselling will not be a long wait. I do both - it's a good start and in a while you will look back and it will hurt a little less. The separation is a killer - but necessary. He's treated you appallingly. Good luck with recovering and moving away towards a nicer future.

He didn't want to be your friend. He just wants to control you more.

This man is a dead beat and you are well shot.

You ruined the chance to be friends? AHAHAHAHAHA!

He's on another planet isn't he? At this time in your life you could really do with some support, but all you get is mind games.

Run away, run away. This is not a partner but a leech, and an unfaithful leech at that.

He ignores you because it means he thinks he can have you back when it suits him, as he hasn't actually broken up with you.

His inconsistency seems to be causing you anxiety. I suspect he has had more than one secret woman. He's jealous because he thinks everyone behaves unfaithfully, like him. He is selfish, because he only sees your dedication to your exercise regime in how it affects him, not how it benefits you. He probably has some kind of minor psychological condition that makes him behave like this and struggle with inter-personal relationship, but whatever it is, it seems to be having an adverse effect on you.

I suspect that if you take back control in whatever way you can, that will solve a lot of your problems. So you dictate what happens, not him (you are currently doing that, so keep it up). You know he's going to try and come back whatever you do anyway, unless you threaten him with the law or something. He needs you more than you need him.

Oh, and I would say that the way you are currently feeling is entirely understandable after enduring such uncertainty, and that the current situation is entirely the result of his behaviours.

He kept messaging last night. The more he messages the more it seems that he's trying to kid himself that he did the right thing.

All of this "Well I tried'
"I held out and Olive Branch and you threw it in my face"

Quite how pretty much saying he didn't want to answer the door to me, then failing to do so which resulted in me just leaving the stuff there is me being the one who fucked up is beyond me. I seriously don't understand how he can think that he did the respectful thing.

I've deleted all social media connections and the phone numbers of him and his family off my phone. This anger has made me feel rather strong right now. Just dreading the come down later.

Well done for deleting. But yes, you have recognised there's a come down. The NC and the withdrawal is a killer. Have you got plenty to fill your days and friends around you?