Fed up of being mother to DH

[TinyTina85]

Don't know where 2 start so just going 2 plow straight in. He only showers when I remind him, only brushes his teeth when I remind him, is incapable of tidying up after himself, even things like closing cupboard doors after himself. I tidy the house when I get a chance inbetwen caring 4 our newborn, he leaves things everywhere and undoes all the work I've done in the day. I cook for him, if I don't then he doesn't eat. I ask him nicely to do something, he says he will but then doesn't, if I remind him then Im nagging. The only jobs around the house I want him 2 do are the bins and the litter tray, but every week he forgets to put the bins out despite me reminding, and many times the cat has shit on the floor as his litter tray has been 2 dirrty for him to use.

The showering and teeth brushing thing gets to me the most, he's an adult he should remember to do that himself. He keeps getting infections in his gum that are extremely painful ddue to him not brushing, why doesn't he learn his lesson??

He doesn't learn the lesson because he knows you'll do it all. As the saying goes... 'why bark when you've got a dog?' Is your DH employed? Does he hold down a job? If so then he is quite capable of behaving the way any other grown-ups do and is simply choosing to be lazy at home. He's probably always been this way but, now that you have a baby, you realise just how unacceptable it is.

You need to lay it on the line that he either starts pulling his weight or he finds somewhere new to doss. As serious as that.

Yes he works from home so doesn't get pulled up on the lack of showering. Often gets up late too, 2 minutes before he's meant to start, whereas Ive been up doing night feeds all night etc. He sleeps thru baby crying and his alarms so I don't even feel like I could go stay at a friends and have a break from baby duties

He's just lazy and complacent. He takes it for granted that you'll do all the work, there are no consequences to his behaviour, and the only way to get through to someone like that is to threaten their cushy existence.

does he have dyspraxia? sounds horribly like dd. even if he does he needs to sort himself out coping mechanisms that are not you.

When i met him his house was an absolute pigsty, ive tidied up after him since day 1 as i cannot bare to live in squalor. living in filth doesnt seem to bother him so its not like i can just stop doing everything so that he realises. wouldnt want baby getting ill!!

Oh dear.... he is what it said on the tin i.e. 'a pig'. Tidying up after him since Day 1 he must have thought all his Christmases had come at once. No you can't go the passive aggressive route because it'll have no impact on someone that fundamentally slobbish. This is probably as good as he gets. Question is, is this what you want for the next 30, 40, 50 years?

Are you sure he's not depressed? Why did you start doing all these things for him, they should have been a deal breaker from the off.

Yeuk - I couldn't live like that.
He must have the most smelly breath!! Do you kiss him?
Does he show you any affection?
Take you out for a nice meal every now and then?
What do you honestly get from this relationship now?
I think you know he is a lazy, slobby, pig and you want out.
Question is, what are you going to do about it?
Is the house in joint names? Mortgaged or rented?
I think you need to look into the practicalities of leaving.
As Cogito says, this is as good as it's going to get.
And by the way, you baby will grow up with this as a role model.
Do you want Baby to think that it's OK to be a pig and not wash or anything and that the woman's job is to tidy up after the filthy pig???
Your call!

What attracted you to him in the first place?

You've now got a small baby who really needs your attention, I would twice about mothering the big baby who needs to learn to look after himself...

Oh OP. You know you deserve so much more than this in a partner. Why are you settling for so little? You can't live your whole life like this, you will go mad.

If he has always been like this and you have just gone with it, he's unlikely to change. You need to put yourself and your child first.

I'm struggling, too, to see what this man actually contributes to the relationship, but if you feel you want to stay with him, I would suggest living separately. I hear some relationships thrive on it.

Yuck.

Stop telling him to wash, stop telling him to clean his teeth. See how long he goes without washing. Maybe it's some sort of rebellion.

What's your reaction OP when he doesn't do the 2 jobs?

Does he understand that he's upsetting you?

I'm in the same boat as you and will watch advice.
I haven't moved in with my DP because of this type of behaviour, it's like an addict. I don't want to enable his behaviour, it's like a teenage boy, changing the dynamic of our RL. I have not wanted sex this week because I feel like a mum.
I confronted him last night and he said he hates himself/is depressed and has agreed to go to therapy.
I hope you can get your partner to see it as a problem.
I read a lot about compulsive hoarding and it struck a chord with me. (I'd reccommend it)
Good luck

The DH isn't actually described as being miserable/gloomy etc Low personal hygiene, appalling laziness, zero grooming, chronic untidiness and a poor attitude to time-keeping seem to be his default setting if this is how he was from the off. He's annoyed when asked to do something and dishes out accusations of nagging .... but there's no suggestion that he's actually unhappy with his lifestyle.

I don't think happy people feel unworthy of living in a lovely environment, but I suppose if OP doesn't allow him to hit rock bottom by doing it all for him then he might be in some numbed out state of irresponsibility and entitlement (like most teenagers).

I don't think this man feels unworthy of a nice environment. He's just bone idle. :)

Have you considered he has an ASD? How is he with hugs, eye contact, busy/stressful situations?

If he didn't start off like this, when did it change?

When i met him his house was an absolute pigsty, ive tidied up after him since day 1

Does he give you any affection? Are you getting any pleasure out of this relationship?

He's not going to change is he? This is who he is and you enable it. Bad luck, but you kind of made your choice when you started cleaning up after him from day one. The sensible thing to do would have been to run a mile. I'd advise you to do that now tbh.

He is very affectionate and loving, and is genuinely a lovely person. He occasionally has tidying 'outbursts' where he'll do a bit of a marathon clean. I think it's because he lived by himself for so long from a fairly young age and didn't have anyone telling him it was disgusting. I love him with all my heart, he is my best friend and when he has looked after himself I do find him very sexually attractive.

He has suffered from depression in the past so this might be worth exploring again.

I've decided to start going downstairs with the baby before his alarms start going off, and not to wake him so he has to get himself up or risk the wrath of his boss. I've also decided to start putting his rubbish/clutter/mess in his office instead of being a dutiful wife and putting it away for him. This includes bin bags when he 'forgets' is too lazy to put them out. That might be a bit of a kick up the arse as he'll see how much I do actually tidy up after him.

I'm also going to stop telling him to shower and will just mark it on a calendar when he does, and when he brushes his teeth. I'm not sure if maybe he just forgets how long it's been since he's done it, his memory isn't great. I know it all seems a bit passive aggressive but if it bloody works then it bloody works.