Fed up of being mother to DH

[TinyTina85]

Don't know where 2 start so just going 2 plow straight in. He only showers when I remind him, only brushes his teeth when I remind him, is incapable of tidying up after himself, even things like closing cupboard doors after himself. I tidy the house when I get a chance inbetwen caring 4 our newborn, he leaves things everywhere and undoes all the work I've done in the day. I cook for him, if I don't then he doesn't eat. I ask him nicely to do something, he says he will but then doesn't, if I remind him then Im nagging. The only jobs around the house I want him 2 do are the bins and the litter tray, but every week he forgets to put the bins out despite me reminding, and many times the cat has shit on the floor as his litter tray has been 2 dirrty for him to use.

The showering and teeth brushing thing gets to me the most, he's an adult he should remember to do that himself. He keeps getting infections in his gum that are extremely painful ddue to him not brushing, why doesn't he learn his lesson??

What is the point of marking it on a calendar?

It would make more sense to tell him his breath stinks every time he talks to you.

I don't think he realises how long he goes inbetween. maybe if its down on paper he'll realise that its longer than he thinks

Putting his clutter in his office is a great idea - one I tried to do with my personal hygiene-averse, chronically lazy (and not very lovely) H, before I decided he wasn't worth the effort.

If you can let him know as kindly as possible the effect of his lack of attention to personal hygiene on you, it could be more motivational than dates on a calendar.

He doesn't need to know how long between showers. He needs telling it has to be every day. That is easy to remember!

He's not pitching in and supporting you when you need it most :( it's hard work looking after a newborn - and to tell the truth, it only gets harder as they get bigger - he needs to be there for you.

I'll be honest with you, I have struggled with personal hygiene, if I'm on my own and don't have to go out then I will not shower for however many days. I am a lazy arse, I don't clean unless social services are banging down my door (slight exaggeration, but it was bad in the past). I make an effort for DP and DS because it's not fair on DP if I don't do that.

When he's not even trying, or he does a bit once every now and again but doesn't make a sustained effort to keep it up or even TRY another way, it's going to get you down, eventually. I had a bit of a realisation recently, because DP proposed and I was thinking about how it changed our relationship, and I thought/decided that marriage is about doing what you can to make the other's life easier, and taking what you need. But it only works if you can trust that your partner is doing the same - I can take what I need because I know that DP is not resentful, because I do as much as I can (well, I'm probably not at the moment, so perhaps I needed a reminder :)) when I don't need a rest or a nap or a night off or whatever. And equally it works the other way around. But you can't have this with your partner, because he's not putting in as much as he reasonably can. You in turn are putting in far more than you reasonably should have to because he isn't doing his share!

How do you get past the knob cheese ?

I don't think he realises how long he goes inbetween. maybe if its down on paper he'll realise that its longer than he thinks

And?

So what, he doesn't care, he is happy to let his teeth rot and his body stink.

Just keep air freshener handy and spray him as he walk past. He will get the message.

And yes, put all his stuff in bin liners and put it outside the back door.

Honestly, stop babying him and he will change.

ut quite simply, no matter how much you used to do for DH, now your baby needs you. Assuming he is NT, DH should be capable of remembering basic tasks, especially with personal hygiene. However slovenly he is, he should certainly step up and assist with the chores and tend to pfb to give you a break. It doesn't sound as if he only stopped being helpful in your 9th month of pregnancy, by the sound of it you have humoured him for a long time.

If there is a chance he is depressed, but not telling you, it would be easy to miss in the chaos of broken nights and holding things together. He evidently sleeps soundly, and has a good appetite when you cook. On the face of it he just seems to be happy for you to do everything.

It's not a competition for your attention, while baby is awake, baby wins. And because he is unsupportive, while baby sleeps you should get some rest and relax too, not run around after him and dote on him.

Oops that s/be Put simply etc.

Or, he won't change. Normally a person has to want to change themselves, not because their partner tells them to.

Yes, that's true Berstie. He will only change if he wants to. But if he doesn't have mummy OP running round after him, perhaps he will want to? It's worth a shot. One thing is for sure OP, if you keep doing the same thing, you will keep getting the same result.

If he's NT then the suggestions up thread will work a treat but if he isn't then they won't make the blindest bit of difference. I would suggest he take the Aspie Quiz and the AQ Test and just see how he scores.

I had/have exactly the same issues you've described up-thread (the similarities - working from home, massive tidy up sessions - were such that I even asked my wife if she had posted about me online!) and I manage it through rigid routine. At 8:35 I go and clean my teeth every morning. If something prevents me from being in the bathroom at that time then I won't clean them that day.

But then if he is NT then he's just being a lazy slob.

Hi TinyTina. I have registered especially to reply to your post. I am astonished that the very wise ladies of Mumsnet have not suggested to you the very real possibility that your partner has Adult ADHD. You could Google it. There is also a very useful book by Susan Tschudi "loving someone with attention deficit disorder" Foyles in London stock this book.
The symptoms you describe certainly point to Adult ADHD. Therefore ill-informed, ignorant even, criticism of your partner is most unhelpful and harmful. If indeed he has Adult ADHD he is neither lazy nor selfish. It seemed to me that unusually for Mumsnet the advice given to you was likely to be harmful.

I hope this is helpful. I hope you are not offended that I have suggested Adult ADHD.

It is not 'harmful' to expect a man to take a wash, brush his teeth and clear up his own mess etc. ADHD or no ADHD is for a doctor to diagnose.

Cognito I very very rarely disagree with you. You are undoubtedly very wise, but on this occasion I think you are wrong. Read the book. It is harmful and unhelpful to have expectations of someone with adult ADHD.
Such a person probably feels their own shortcomings very acutely and for others to criticise only adds to their feelings of failure, thus increasing their feelings of lack of self-worth. There is treatment for Adult ADHD. Therefore there is hope.

I'm really not getting how you can diagnose ADHD by what the OP has posted persephone. What are you basing this on?

The symptoms you describe certainly point to Adult ADHD - what symptoms?

Ughh. I'd kick him out personally.

When i met him his house was an absolute pigsty, ive tidied up after him since day 1

I'm sorry but a man like that would not even be attractive to me.

What is it that keeps you hooked in?

You know he will never change. You will have to in your reaction to it. Right now you are only enabling it.

I'm embarrassed to admit I used to be similar, not hygiene wise but I was very messy. I have Asperger's, do you think he might have? Tests - aspergersquiz.com/ www.wired.com/wired/archive/9.12/aqtest.html

But I got to a point where I was very unhappy. My brain just doesn't seem to recognise that the washing up needs doing until there is nothing left to eat off, so I tick everything off in my planner - housework, college course, childcare, cleaning, everything is covered and needs to be checked off.

Complacency may be a factor too. Rubbish in his office until he can't reach his chair is a great idea! And every time he goes to kiss you ask if he had brushed his teeth.

Is there any chance he could be dyslexic?

What would dyslexia have to do with anything?