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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The logistics of leaving someone when you work.

34 replies

bordellosboheme · 13/11/2013 20:07

How do you leave someone when you have nowhere to go and have to work in the morning? Dp is a moody git and had said he doesn't want me home (his house). Where can I go without disrupting my work life which I rely on for independence??

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/11/2013 20:53

Is it genuinely 100% his house? You're not on the deeds or the mortgage etc? If he's just thrown you out on a whim, that sounds appalling. You don't mention any children. If you have no friends or family you can stay with temporarily you could try the Shelter charity in the short-term. If 'moody git' means he's abusive, Womens Aid 0808 2000247 might be able to help. Your local housing authority should also help you if you've been made homeless. I'd also suggest you talk to your employer and explain your situation. They should be sympathetic and may even have some ideas. Best of luck

Cabrinha · 13/11/2013 20:59

Can you explain a bit more? If he's ended it, but you live together and need to sleep before work - then you just take yourself off to bed, he can dump you, he can't evict you!
If it's genuinely his place, then you get some time off work if you can, and look for a house share / rental and maybe stay with a friend local to work whilst you do that?

Original poster
bordellosboheme · 13/11/2013 20:59

Thanks. No I'm not on the deeds or mortgage even though we've been together 7 years. My family are supportive but live 2 hours away so not practical to get to work. I have 1 ds who is 2.

OP posts:
Original poster
bordellosboheme · 13/11/2013 21:00

I'm reluctant to talk to work about it as I'm a very private person and don't want them knowing my business.

OP posts:
Original poster
bordellosboheme · 13/11/2013 21:02

I'm at my mums ATM as my dentist etc Is here. We argued before he left. Dp was being very irritable on the phone. I said, do you want me back and he said 'no'. I'm fed up of living somewhere I'm not wanted.

OP posts:
Original poster
bordellosboheme · 13/11/2013 21:04

Can I apply to the council house?

OP posts:
comemulledwinewithmoi · 13/11/2013 21:07

So he's thrown you and his child out? What a dick. Take emergency leave, look for a rental. Good luck.

comemulledwinewithmoi · 13/11/2013 21:07

From what I have read, council places are hard to come by.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/11/2013 21:11

Even if you are a private person, if your personal problems are going to affect your job, they deserve to know. You don't have to give chapter and verse and they should respect anything you tell them in confidence.

It is significant that you have a child. The local authority should prioritise you for emergency housing although it may not be exactly what you want or where you want it. However, my experience of council housing departments is that you have to camp out there if you want some attention. Another reason to let work know so that you can get some compassionate leave if you need it.

ImperialBlether · 13/11/2013 21:41

Is your child his too?

How long were you together?

ImperialBlether · 13/11/2013 21:43

Sorry, just seen you were together 7 years, so presumably your child is his too.

In that case, I wouldn't just leave. If he has the money for a deposit and a couple of months' rent on a new place, then he should cough it up now, in my opinion.

I don't blame you for not wanting to live where you're not wanted.

Original poster
bordellosboheme · 13/11/2013 22:14

Imperial he won't give me a penny. He's incredibly stingy. In fact he owes me £4 k from a bathroom I put in, but he won't give it to me until I've already left

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 13/11/2013 22:43

In which case I would see a solicitor first thing tomorrow. He sounds a bastard and there's no point being nice.

You'll feel great once it's all over, believe me.

Flowers
Cabrinha · 13/11/2013 22:49

Go nowhere until you have spoken to a solicitor. Your position is weaker not being married, but as you work and paid £4K for the bathroom I expect you're also going to tell us you paid bills instead of mortgage, or some such. You need legal advice about that before you do anything.

Can you see CAB? As you're splitting, ex will owe you maintenance and you may get various benefits which they can help you to understand.

But talk to a solicitor TOMORROW about that £4K. Don't trust him to pay you back.

Original poster
bordellosboheme · 13/11/2013 23:23

Yes Cabrina, he has no mortgage left, and I pay half the bills and also get 80. -90% of the food and consumables for the house.

OP posts:
Original poster
bordellosboheme · 13/11/2013 23:25

He's got this odd stance, where he treats me like he doesn't like me, yet, he sneers and scoffs when I make plans to leave (partly because he'd loose some contact with ds). Is there a syndrome for men who do this? "I hate you, leave me, don't leave me' kind of thing?

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 14/11/2013 00:27

I believe, to use a technical term, it's called being a dick.

tallwivglasses · 14/11/2013 01:51

Otherwise known as a nob. Possibly even a 'prize nob'.

hth.

AdoraBell · 14/11/2013 02:18

That half the hills you pay, is that by DD or do you hand over cash when he asks for it?

And yes Prize Nob is the technical term for this type if person.

Hope you can Get something sorted soon, but as others have said don't leave úntil you've had good legal advice. As it stands you live in the family home and he's telling you He wants To split the family up.

perfectstorm · 14/11/2013 02:30

If you can prove you spent £4k on the bathroom, definitely see a solicitor. You may be able to use that to show an intention to jointly own the property which might give you a claim on some of the equity - again, see a solicitor.

Horrible as this is, I think it sounds a lucky escape. Mean, spiteful and controlling isn't an ideal partner, let alone Dad.

arfishy · 14/11/2013 03:19

He sounds charming Hmm

I would say that you need your 4K back so you can put a deposit on a place for you and DS before you can move out. He surely has an obligation to keep a roof over his child's head?

How old is DS? I would definitely get advice from a solictor before making any decisions. Can you stay with your mum for a few days and take leave while you sort things out?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/11/2013 07:08

Legal advice is a good idea and another reason why you might need compassionate leave. You're going to need statements, however, to prove that he does in fact owe you £4000 and also that he promised to pay you back. He can very easily claim it was a gift otherwise. And I'm sorry but, even if you've paid towards bills etc., as an unmarried woman, your legal status in a lot of respects is no better than a lodger.

He is financially responsible for your DS, however, and also responsible for 50% of the parenting. Those are certainly worth exploring.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/11/2013 07:10

""I hate you, leave me, don't leave me' kind of thing?"

It's bullying. Emotional abuse if you prefer. Controlling behaviour. Characterised by blowing hot and cold, making life intolerable for the victim on the one hand, whilst manipulating them into sticking around on the other. Very common, unfortunately.

custardo · 14/11/2013 07:20

the housing options team at your council, they will in your currnt circumstances living with your mother tellyou that you are adeqatley housed, however if you do go back and he does this again, you can tell the housing that you are being made homeless

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 14/11/2013 07:24

I prefer this particular syndrome to be named thus : twat

It's a chronic and intractable condition, totally resistant to change and designed to ruin every one else's life as well as their own.

It is certainly terminal for relationships

Take legal advice, love. You may be in a better position than you think (and certainly better than he would have you believe)