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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP has been seeing someone else.

46 replies

ChelseaGirl86 · 13/11/2013 14:30

Hello. If I give you the full story can you give me some advice? Never been in this situation before.
I've been with DP for a year. Very happy - no problems. He has always had low self confidence and has had some flirty message exchanges with girl friends of his. I just put it down to him needing the odd ego stroke and there was nothing really untoward in the messages.
Fast forward to today - a girl has called me from DPs work to say they have been seeing each other since September - no sex but everything else and a couple of dates.
DP has admitted everything and said he was flattered by the attention but then it went too far and he didn't know how to end it in case it caused him trouble at work.

My head says - how can we recover from this? The lies, the infidelity etc
My heart says - our relationship was great, these are his issues and now he has opened up I do believe him.

I'm humiliated, feel like a mug, heartbroken and angry and I just don't know what to do to make myself feel better.

Please help :-(

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/11/2013 14:34

He didn't end it 'in case it caused him trouble at work'??? Hmm Not 'because it was shitty behaviour towards you'? What an arsehole.

Do you have kids together? Live together? Financial commitments? Please listen to your head and give this one the heave-ho. He is taking you for an idiot.

hellsbellsmelons · 13/11/2013 14:35

I hate to say it, but I know what I'd do!!!!
It isn't even 1 year into a new relationship and he's done this.
And he's been flirty with other women???
Really??? You think this is OK???
Have you done the same with blokes you know?
Of course not. You know why?! Because it is wrong!
It's not just his issue if you are with him.
So make it only his issue and get rid.
Seriously! If it was a ten year relationship and you were married with kids etc..., it MIGHT be a bit different.
But this is who he is and you will be putting up with this the whole time you are with him.

You are worth more and you know it!!!
Run for the hills.
They are that way >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Original poster
ChelseaGirl86 · 13/11/2013 14:36

Thanks. I know you're right. I need the level headed unbiased comments to help me see clearly.

Don't get me wrong - he was devastated and very contrite. Said all the right things. He kind of worded it as 'I knew it had gotten out of hand when I realised what you meant to me but I wanted to end it properly with her so she didn't cause me trouble at work'.

But yeah, that's not much better really, is it?

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/11/2013 14:41

"He has always had low self confidence and has had some flirty message exchanges with girl friends of his. I just put it down to him needing the odd ego stroke and there was nothing really untoward in the messages".

That is actually a red flag which was minimised by you. Were you trying to play the "cool girlfriend" here even though you may have had some misgivings?.

But not enough low self confidence to not actually confide in other women. Horrid behaviour on his part along with a complete lack of respect for you in doing so.

He was actually expending emotional energy on someone else when he should have concentrated all his efforts on you. This was never going to end well as it has been sadly proved.

I presume you have now ended your relationship with him. He's had his chance with you and he's well and truly blown it. You would be a fool to take him back.

If you do not end this he could well further trample on your feelings again and next time he will be more careful not to get caught. His excuses re work frankly are pathetic, he does not deserve you at all in his life.

Pick yourself up, dust yourself down and start again when you feel ready to. Some quiet reflection on your part is necessary; why did you let the initial messages to these ladies go by the by?. I would also consider reading "Women who love too much" written by Robin Norwood.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/11/2013 14:41

Not really. The time to realise what you meant to him was before saying 'yes please, let's go on a date'. Hmm He shouldn't have been in the dilemma of ending it with her in the first place.

He's a goner.

Jan45 · 13/11/2013 14:41

So within a year of being with him, he's passing flirty text messages with ex girlfriends but yet he's lacking in confidence??? And now, he's actually been with one of them - and you are still there??? He is definitely not the man for you dear, look what you've had already, it's an early warning sign for you to say to him, bye, bye.

Stripyhoglets · 13/11/2013 14:42

Not really no, this time of a relationship is when things are supposed to be easy and fun, you are supposed to want only each other and less than a year is no time at all. When the tougher times come along, illness, having kids etc the last thing you need is someone who gets his head so easily turned by someone else. And he probably has slept with her as well, they usually say they haven't though.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/11/2013 14:43

"Don't get me wrong - he was devastated and very contrite. Said all the right things. He kind of worded it as 'I knew it had gotten out of hand when I realised what you meant to me but I wanted to end it properly with her so she didn't cause me trouble at work'.

They all are supposedly devastated and contrite; he is only upset because he has been well and truly caught out. If you had meant the world to him he would not have had any need to send flirty messages to other women in the first place. He only did that to further boost his pathetic looking ego.

I would not believe a word of what he said; also this other woman called you and told you what had been happening. Clearly this man has no conscience whatsoever.

hellsbellsmelons · 13/11/2013 14:46

Don't get me wrong - he was devastated and very contrite
No he wasn't!!
He was sorry he got caught out.
Had this girl not let you know, you still wouldn't know and it would still be going on.
Please tell us you are going to end this.

Crocodilehunter · 13/11/2013 14:54

You shouldn't have to compensate for somebody else's low self esteem!
Think you have been understanding enough especially letting the flirty messages go!
It's easy for me to say but if i were in your shoes, I'd hope i'd have the strength to LTB!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/11/2013 14:55

Life lesson.... you'll never let flirty messages go again, will you?

ghostonthecanvas · 13/11/2013 15:00

Your relationship was great. For him. Best of both worlds. Please take the advice on here. You are worth more.

holstenlips · 13/11/2013 15:00

Agree with all the above. Do not waste any more of your time on this jerk.

MadBusLady · 13/11/2013 15:02

Hang on to the angry - this man cheats and makes excuses for it. Doesn't make it any better just because he's not an uber-confident grinning lothario. Bollocks to his poor widdle self-confidence. He just likes having his cake and eating it.

Flicktheswitch · 13/11/2013 15:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LIZS · 13/11/2013 15:03

Don't get me wrong - he was devastated and very contrite - that he got caught you mean . Run like the wind . When you say dp , did you live together , can you walk away?

lottieandmia · 13/11/2013 15:05

Get rid of him - I would not have stood for the flirty messages. If he can't even stay faithful for a year then what reason have you got to suppose he will be able to manage a long term relationship? He should still be so wrapped up in you that he doesn't even notice other women at this stage! He has only told you the truth now because he has no other choice. In the future you will not be able to trust him.

ElizabethBathory · 13/11/2013 15:09

I wouldn't bother trying to 'recover from' something like this when you've only been together a year. You're better off without him.

Original poster
ChelseaGirl86 · 13/11/2013 15:17

You're all totally right.
I've spoken to him. He's been told what a worthless piece of shit he is. He wants to make 'us' work. I've told him there's no 'us'.
Done - blocked him on everything possible. No way for me to contact him and an further messages from him will be deleted.

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 13/11/2013 15:19

Sorry Chelsea but you need to get out of this and not look back. You deserve so much better. I agree with ^ - he would not have told you if he wasn't backed into a corner Sad

MarysDressSways · 13/11/2013 15:20

Well done. There's no reason for you to waste time trying to fix something that can't be fixed. Onwards and upwards!

Pogosticks · 13/11/2013 15:22

Well done Chelsea. You really don't need a lying scumbag in your life!

hellsbellsmelons · 13/11/2013 15:24

Well done - very strong and decisive!
He can now carry on with the woman at work and good luck to her!!!
Take some time for you and then you'll find someone who you deserve and deserves you.
Good luck!

JoinYourPlayfellows · 13/11/2013 15:24

Well done, Chelsea, there is no reason at all to be "making us work" with a boyfriend you've only been dating for less than a year.

OneMoreChap · 13/11/2013 15:27

Sounds a bit like he's been stringing OW along and she decided to make him sogotp.