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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Birthday: feeling so low

35 replies

maparole · 13/11/2013 08:47

I don't need any answers to this, just wanted to moan on a bit and get it out of my system.

I have recently managed to escape from an abusive husband, which I do not and will never regret for one second (except wish I had done it sooner). Today is my birthday and I have hit a terrible downer. I am 49 and looking around at what an almighty mess I have made of things: no home, no job, no money, no friends because ex alienated them all [my very best friend, who stuck it out much longer than the rest, I finally fell out with a couple of years ago because she criticised ex and I stood up for him ... how ironic is that?]. My family is only really my Mum (Dad dead some years ago, brother far away, sister I am not close to).

The only worthwhile thing I have achieved - and I accept it is a huge worthwhile thing - is my wonderful ds. Even there, I feel I failed him badly by not getting out sooner.

The feisty, beautiful, spunky and funny young woman I used to be has been replaced by a fat, grey, boring lump. I know what I need to do to get my life back on track, but the list is so long it's a bit overwhelming.

OP posts:
CinemaNoir · 13/11/2013 08:56

Wishing you a Happy Birthday from afar. You have been very brave. Let today be the first day of the rest of your life. Xx

ohfourfoxache · 13/11/2013 09:01

Happy birthday, Maparole Thanks and ((((hugs)))))

It must have taken a huge amount of courage to walk away, and you should be extremely proud of yourself that you have. You've been through a lot, and you should be looking to take baby steps, not massive leaps.

Could you get back in touch with your friend and let her know what has happened since you last spoke? I'm sure that she would be happy to hear from you.

Stop being hard on yourself. You've been through a lot and you're coming out the other side. Cinema is right - let today be the beginning x

SthingMustBeScaringThemAway · 13/11/2013 09:02

The strange thing is that so many people who read your post will be congratulating you and thinking that you have achieved an enormous amount.

So firstly - WELL DONE

Secondly, even if you were the happiest woman in the world you might feel down on your 49th birthday; so don't attribute it all to the traumas you've been living through. It is normal to feel all kinds of negative things as you approach your half century. (Again - well done!)

Thirdly, that "feisty, beautiful, spunky and funny young woman" is still there. Take a breath, give her time.

Flowers HAPPY BIRTHDAY Flowers

myroomisatip · 13/11/2013 09:03

Happy Birthday Flowers Cake

I am pretty much in the same boat, a little older, and pretty much facing the rest of my life on my own when my kids leave. Still. Better that than in a bad relationship.

Have a lovely day x

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/11/2013 09:06

Happy birthday and how about calling that friend you fell out with, eating a bit of humble pie and saying 'I should have listened to you'? Proper friends will always forgive and I have a feeling she's one of those. Good luck and hope you have a better day.

LCHammer · 13/11/2013 09:11

Here's to getting your life & confidence back on track and hoping the big 50 finds you in a better place. Best wishes.

HolgerDanske · 13/11/2013 09:15

Happy Birthday! Cake Flowers Cake

Be kind to yourself.

Tonight, think about the top three things you would like to change in your day-to-day life. Choose one small step toward each of these, and work out a way you can take that step once a day for the next month. Give yourself the gift of being good to yourself x

arthriticfingers · 13/11/2013 09:18

Happy Birthday!!!! Cake from someone else in the same boat - but older.
I know the journey back to the right path seems so horribly long - but

  1. You have done the most difficult part and turned round - so you won't be taking another step in the wrong direction
  1. Although it might seem to be a dauntingly long journey back to where we should be, and it feels like there is pressure on us to rush it - some things can't be rushed - and maybe we should take the old cliché about travelling hopefully to heart so that the small steps (which are now in the right direction) bring us some joy each day.

p.s. this is actually a note to myself, too Blush

Squitten · 13/11/2013 09:20

Happy Birthday! Consider today a fresh chapter and a new start away from the twat!

You should really contact your old friend and apologise to her and tell her you've finally seen that she was right.If you were my friend, I'd be delighted to hear that you had changed your life and wouldn't care about the past at all.

rugbychick · 13/11/2013 09:28

Happy birthday, from another whose birthday it is today. Well done on leaving your ex. Enjoy spending the day with your gorgeous ds, and see today as the first day of your new life

itsmeisntit · 13/11/2013 10:04

HAPPY BIRTHDAY Wine Cake Flowers
A new year for you to start reinventing yourself. A year to make new friends, find new hobbies/job and to spoil yourself.
Get in touch with your old friend you may be surprised to discover that she is delighted to hear from you again

Original poster
maparole · 13/11/2013 12:33

Thanks so much for all the responses ... feeling less mopey now. Onwards and upwards!

OP posts:
CoffeeTea103 · 13/11/2013 12:37

Happy birthday Thanks take your boy out for a walk, get some cake and enjoy your day! You left your ex, that's something positive. Take the good out of every situation. Turn it around, enjoy your day!

yetanotheranyfucker · 13/11/2013 12:58

Happy birthday, OP. I understand how you're feeling bit your life is far from over. I saw this yesterday and thought it was lovely. Maybe it will help you a little: gagism.com/86-year-beautiful-rage-comic/

Botanicbaby · 13/11/2013 13:05

happy birthday OP Cake Wine Smile

please don't feel overwhelmed by it all. I have been there too and know exactly what you're going through and I don't even have a lovely DS to make it worthwhile!

your life will only get better from now on, even though it may seem like you have lots to overcome. break things down into smaller pieces, you don't have to tackle everything at once. no-one could do that. you've done brilliantly to get out of an abusive relationship, that is not an easy thing to do. many people (sadly) don't even make it.

please enjoy your day, you deserve it!

SkinnybitchWannabe · 13/11/2013 13:33

I think you deserve a massive Happy Birthday
I have no experience of what you have and are going through but I think you're amazing.
Cake Wine

Cabrinha · 13/11/2013 13:57

Happy birthday, and congratulations at getting out!!
Can you imagine how low you'd have felt in one year, turning 50 without bravely making this change!
Contact your old friends. Nothing ventured nothing gained.
You'll start to get your old self back - it's exciting!

dappledawn · 13/11/2013 14:08

Happy birthday OP Brew Cake

'It matters not how strait the gate
How charged with punishments the scroll
I am the captain of my fate
I am the master of my soul'... (W.E Henley)

Be strong. You will survive and overcome.

Toffeepoppet · 13/11/2013 14:59

Happy birthday!

Well done, do something for you today, even if its washing and blow drying your hair, or putting some nail varnish on ( that sounds really superficial, I don't mean it to be)

Do one step at a time. Be clear about what you want, and start making the very first tiny steps to getting it all. Think big though! You can def do it and have what you want. Be that, old friends back, new friends, new job, higher self confidence etc etc

(One day I will take my own advice and write my internationally acclaimed best selling book, at the moment I am still way too scared to start!)

redundantandbitter · 13/11/2013 16:27

Happy birthday!!!

Call a friend- it's your birthday - a friend of mine recently 'came back' to me (after my exp messed me about) and its so good to see him again. What have you got to lose? Tell her you have missed her.

Hope you did something nice for yourself today x

hellsbellsmelons · 13/11/2013 16:37

Oh bless you.
You've achieved something massive - you got out!!!
So many don't manage that but you did it so do not think you haven't achieved anything.

Thirdly, that "feisty, beautiful, spunky and funny young woman" is still there. Take a breath, give her time.

And YY to this ^^

Happy birthday. Here's to the start of your brand new life.
Call that friend. I know if you were a friend of mine I'd want to be there for you!

Cake

MarjorieChardem · 13/11/2013 16:52

Hurrah for your new life and happy birthday! It gets so much better without an abusive twunt in your life I promise, no matter how old you are.

Take some time to visualise all the things you can do, places you can go, dreams you have. Life will be so much better now, you are getting there, trust yourself and give yourself time.

Finney2 · 13/11/2013 16:54

It's my birthday today too. Great day to have a birthday Grin

Get in touch with your old pals. You've nothing to lose. Onwards and upwards xx

akawisey · 13/11/2013 16:59

Happy Birthday!!

Bet your old pals would love to know you did right by yourself in the end, and it's not too late.

I think once you get your life back on track you'll feel better about yourself, it's the hangover from the abuse that's talking and you'll rediscover that beautiful, spunky and funny woman again.

Mitzi50 · 13/11/2013 17:59

Happy Birthday!

Sadly I am in a similar situation, but am so glad that I am no longer in a toxic relationship. Well done for getting out!

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