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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Just about to leave, but why am I giving this second thoughts

33 replies

Needclearhead · 12/11/2013 21:16

I've been married 2.5 years, 16 month DD. We are both professionals. H suffers from depression, previously drank a lot and when I was pregnant diagnosed bipolar. H is very nasty, verbally, threats, has physically handled me, with the last time on Sunday night. Which gave me the final push to move out and get the wheels in motion.

Sunday resulted in H going on and on and on, telling me that prior to meeting him I was fat and as I'm Australian, so was the local bike as fat girls are 'grateful' and Australians just want to get laid, so I basically f**ked all of London (his words), was an easy lay, had a fat arse. I certainly wasn't and I'm a size 10 before and after baby, he then led onto to say that I was terrible in bed, my fanny tasted disgusting, I stunk, was too hairy for him (because I didn't get a Brazilian every 4 weeks, but say 4 times a year), this went on, I stopped talking and responding. H was ironing his clothes and was still going, so I tipped my glass of water over him. He then got me by the neck, slammed me into the sofa, he was on top and screamed in my face. I bit my bottom lip when he threw me onto the sofa, so it was bleeding and it hurt. I got up and said, how could you do this to me? Look at my lip, how I am I meant to go to work with a fat lip. I then got his shirt and said how would you like it if you got blood on you shirt. I didn't intend to get blood on his shirt but as he grabbed it back off me it flicked up to my lip, so blood got on it. He then went into a rage, kicked my shin, decked me (he's 6 foot), screamed some more in my face. Got up and spat on all my work clothes that I had to iron, then poured red wine on my shirts. Screaming so much our baby woke and cried. I was so upset, sobbing. H then said I purposely bit my lip and has maintained on Sunday and yesterday that if I didn't pour water on him, then he wouldn't have done what he did. He maintains that it was my fault, I started it.

So, I saw a place this evening which is available in 1 week and have begun packing all my stuff up, but why am I having second thoughts on walking out on this marriage. The above is tiny example of what happened, other examples are; when I was 4 months pregnant that I would make a terrible mother, when our baby was 4 weeks he ended up drunk, black eye in hospital, was taken there by the police (this was my fault, even though I wasn't there), saying my family (all who live on the other side of world) were not welcome to stay here, not supporting that I return to work full time, god the list goes on - but why is that I have finally reached the point to move out that I'm sitting here have second thoughts!! Its this normal?

OP posts:
SkinnybitchWannabe · 12/11/2013 21:18

The only advice Ive got is get the hell out as soon as possible.

Mabelface · 12/11/2013 21:19

Yes, because it's the great unknown out there, but you know you have to do this for the sake of your baby.

antimatter · 12/11/2013 21:22

Would you like to be left marked or disabled next time he attacks you?

Who will look after your child then?

I think safety first for you and your dd.

It is normal to have doubts but you have to be sensible first.

busylizzie76 · 12/11/2013 21:22

Get out of there! Do you have friends you could stay with? Or go back home for a while? Big hugs

CharlotteCollinsinherownplace · 12/11/2013 21:31

Pack up your second thoughts with the rest of your belongings, and promise yourself you will have a good look at them once you are in a place of safety. Not immediately, but after a month or two, when you feel strong enough.

OneStepCloser · 12/11/2013 21:34

Oh my word, get the hell out of there, in a few weeks time you`ll be so glad you did.

kalidanger · 12/11/2013 21:35

Of course you're having second thoughts. It's perfectly normal to have second thoughts. This is a big scary deal.

But these thoughts don't change anything, do they? I assume you're an intelligent capable woman so use that to accept that you can't change him or fix this and walk out with your head held high.

Thanks
Jollyb · 12/11/2013 21:37

Sometimes I read posts in relationships and think 'goodness my DP sometimes behaves like that - is it really that bad'.

In this instance there is no question . You must get out now. For your sake and your lovely daughter's.

RandomMess · 12/11/2013 21:37

You're just sad that your marriage hasn't worked out, but that is no reason to stay!!! Please run for the hills as fast as you can.

magictorch · 12/11/2013 21:46

God please get out and don't look back.
He isn't a good man and your baby needs his mummy safe.

Needclearhead · 12/11/2013 21:46

Thank you so much for all your lovely messages, it really is what I need to hear. I keep seeing all these adverts on tv with happy families at Christmas and its killing me, that's what's so upsetting that even though is best that I move out and our marriage is over, its just heart breaking.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/11/2013 21:52

Few decisions worth taking come without a few wobbles. But, on this occasion, I think you know you're never going to have a happy TV- advert Christmas with this man because he's downright dangerous.

Please don't subject yourself to a second longer with this man. Call the police, have him removed from the house and keep yourself safe. It's when they know they've lost that they are at their most vicious.

muddylettuce · 12/11/2013 22:17

This is just a wobble, you are doing the right thing, please leave. In the meantime the police can help. Call them the second you feel unsafe and keep your phone by you at all times. X

CharlotteCollinsinherownplace · 12/11/2013 22:18

It is heartbreaking. And it's not what you wanted for your life.

You will get your happy family Christmas - it's just that it will not include him. And it will be really happy, not just appearances with an undercurrent of fear.

CharlotteCollinsinherownplace · 12/11/2013 22:21

It's great that you've found somewhere to go, and soon. Given that leaving and just after you've left are statistically the most dangerous times, please consider calling 101 to log past incidents with the police's DV unit. Then they will be up to speed if you have to call them out because he's got nasty.

Phalenopsis · 12/11/2013 22:51

Get out of there asap. He's awful and your child shouldn't be growing up with this kind of shit going on.

rabbitlady · 12/11/2013 23:14

i hope you've left by now.
he isn't what you need or want. get out. stay out.

comemulledwinewithmoi · 12/11/2013 23:16

Do NOT look back. We all wobble at new things. Do it for your child and for you.

comemulledwinewithmoi · 12/11/2013 23:18

Would you consider going back to oz? Other side if the world and all that. Sending you positive vibes and thinking if you. Be safe.

Needclearhead · 16/11/2013 20:07

Thanks, again, so much for all the messages. I am so pleased to be getting out of here. How did life suddenly get so complicated!!!

OP posts:
Tuhlulah · 16/11/2013 20:36

I have just read this. Please take your daughter and leave as soon as you can. There is nothing to save. He is a dangerous person who cannot control his anger, and who knows what he will be capable of in the future. He has insulted you on every possible front -physically, morally, mentally, even the nationalistically. He has even trashed your clothes and then told you it's all your own fault. Is this a man you want in your life and as importantly in the life of your daughter, so she can learn from her father that this is how she can expect to be treated?

He should cherish you. It seems that he hates you, and wants to destroy you.

if you stay and have another baby, what then? It will be harder for you to leave. Also, the more dependent you become on him the worse he will become to you.

It's hard to walk away. You will have pangs of regret and no doubt think you can change him. You will not. You cannot change a hair on his head. All you can do is control what you do. You can leave.

And then I guess he will paint you out to be the bad guy and at the same time beg you to go back to him because he's sorry and he's changed, it was the drink, it was the meds, it was the depression, the bi-polar condition, it was you who made him so angry. It wasn't. This is what he does. I notice you say he was vile when you were 4 months pregnant -did it start when you were pregnant?

It may be all of those things or none. The one thing it isn't is YOU. It is not your fault. It is not your problem. Let him fester and rot.

Leave. You are lucky to be financially independent (it appears). Many women in your shoes are not. Maybe you feel a bit unsure because whatever you have with him, it is consistent and known to you, and life on your own will be uncertain and unknown, and your family are in Australia. But your daughter's family is here. You are all she has to protect her from an abusive father.

You are probably a beautiful and lovely young woman. Intelligent and kind. You are a mother and I guess you are just like the rest of us -good enough. You will be a bad mother if you stay.

I am sorry to say that because you don't need people saying bad things about you, and I am not.

You've made a start. Now follow through. And when he begs and pleads, do not listen to him.

RUN.

Good luck my dear. X

sleepingischeating · 16/11/2013 20:46

Just go. He sounds unbelievably vile. I don't normally default to LTB but you really should. And you will be fine. Can can you confide in real life friends who will stop you going back if you have a wobble? Can you stay with them until the flat becomes available? Good luck, please don't look back.x

YouStayClassySanDiego · 16/11/2013 20:52

Leave.

No second thoughts, just get out now and don't give him another thought.

Good luck and have a good life without this twat.

Go.

ilovebowie · 16/11/2013 21:07

I don't often post on this site, mostly lurk but PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LEAVE!!!!!!!

DrHolmes · 16/11/2013 21:15

God that sounds AWFUL.

Good luck to you.
You will read your OP back in a few months and wonder what planet you were on being aprehensive to leave!

Things will be SO much better!

You will have a lovely Christmas i bet :)

What a nasty, vile man.