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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Just about to leave, but why am I giving this second thoughts

33 replies

Needclearhead · 12/11/2013 21:16

I've been married 2.5 years, 16 month DD. We are both professionals. H suffers from depression, previously drank a lot and when I was pregnant diagnosed bipolar. H is very nasty, verbally, threats, has physically handled me, with the last time on Sunday night. Which gave me the final push to move out and get the wheels in motion.

Sunday resulted in H going on and on and on, telling me that prior to meeting him I was fat and as I'm Australian, so was the local bike as fat girls are 'grateful' and Australians just want to get laid, so I basically f**ked all of London (his words), was an easy lay, had a fat arse. I certainly wasn't and I'm a size 10 before and after baby, he then led onto to say that I was terrible in bed, my fanny tasted disgusting, I stunk, was too hairy for him (because I didn't get a Brazilian every 4 weeks, but say 4 times a year), this went on, I stopped talking and responding. H was ironing his clothes and was still going, so I tipped my glass of water over him. He then got me by the neck, slammed me into the sofa, he was on top and screamed in my face. I bit my bottom lip when he threw me onto the sofa, so it was bleeding and it hurt. I got up and said, how could you do this to me? Look at my lip, how I am I meant to go to work with a fat lip. I then got his shirt and said how would you like it if you got blood on you shirt. I didn't intend to get blood on his shirt but as he grabbed it back off me it flicked up to my lip, so blood got on it. He then went into a rage, kicked my shin, decked me (he's 6 foot), screamed some more in my face. Got up and spat on all my work clothes that I had to iron, then poured red wine on my shirts. Screaming so much our baby woke and cried. I was so upset, sobbing. H then said I purposely bit my lip and has maintained on Sunday and yesterday that if I didn't pour water on him, then he wouldn't have done what he did. He maintains that it was my fault, I started it.

So, I saw a place this evening which is available in 1 week and have begun packing all my stuff up, but why am I having second thoughts on walking out on this marriage. The above is tiny example of what happened, other examples are; when I was 4 months pregnant that I would make a terrible mother, when our baby was 4 weeks he ended up drunk, black eye in hospital, was taken there by the police (this was my fault, even though I wasn't there), saying my family (all who live on the other side of world) were not welcome to stay here, not supporting that I return to work full time, god the list goes on - but why is that I have finally reached the point to move out that I'm sitting here have second thoughts!! Its this normal?

OP posts:
DrHolmes · 16/11/2013 21:16

Oh i see your frst post was Tues. So what day are you getting out?
TBH i'd just leave and stay in a hotel until you can get into the new place.

If you have packed your stuff I take it he know's you are going?

CharlotteCollinsinherownplace · 16/11/2013 22:38

Not long now... Hang on in there!

Viviennemary · 16/11/2013 22:42

I usually try to find something positive or some hope if you really want to the relationship might be saved. But he sounds absolutely horrible. There is no need for you to put up with this. Please leave. Hope things turn out well for you.

Needclearhead · 17/11/2013 20:10

I absolutely, no longer have second thoughts and cannot wait to get out of here. H has temporarily moved out and is denying his behaviour last Sunday.

H text me yesterday and said he was going to come by in the afternoon to see DD and pick up a things. We barely spoke this afternoon. I have a bruise the size of a saucer and an 'egg' (lump) on my shin from where he kicked my shin last Sunday. So, I pulled up my jeans and said, see my bruise, this is what you did. H said he didn't do that, doesn't know what I'm talking about and that I was crazy. I said you kicked me in the shin, then decked me and screamed. He denied it. H just said speak to my solicitor and he said, now I've ruined his time with DD. I am furious!! I despise the man.

I said you admit this behaviour in writing or I will make a statement with the police, and as I don't know where he is staying, I said they will turn up at your work. H didn't say anything, just left.

Firstly, he assaults me and now he is genuinely denying it even happened. I am furious!

OP posts:
TalkativeJim · 17/11/2013 20:18

Please, please do exactly that - report to police, while you have the injuries to prove it.

You do not know what the future holds - I for one would be very eager to get his violent behviour on record, in case I ever had cause to need to withold contact, or need to get contact supervised.

Please log it.

CharlotteCollinsinherownplace · 17/11/2013 22:06

It's called gaslighting, and is sadly very common with abusive men. It messes with your head a bit, doesn't it?!

Second what Jim says about reporting to police now. You have nothing to lose by doing that; they don't need to take any action now.

ccsays · 17/11/2013 23:00

Please report this to the police ASAP. Your husband is a danger to you and your daughter.

Trigglesx · 18/11/2013 07:19

Don't "get it in writing" from him. Report it to the police. THEY will deal with getting it in writing from him. You MUST have this documented to protect you and your DD in the long run.

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