Please help - feel sick

[IamstrongerthanMensa]

Name changed.

DP and I had a whirlwind romance, I got pregnant within 6 months of us getting together. DD is now five months old and I feel like everything has gone to shit. He says we don't connect like we used to, which is true, and that we're an effective parenting team, but that as a couple things are nowhere near like they used to be. He says he loves me and that will never change. Is this fixable? Is it something that all new parents go through? Help me please, I feel so numb.

All relationships suffer when xhildren come along, simply due to lack of time and/or other stresses. You two haven't really had a chance to just be with one another, it's no wonder you're feeling unsure. It is possible to come back from this but you both have to be committed and willing to put the effort in. Do you think your dp can do that?

In my experience, and lots of my friends and my sisters experience this is totally normal. It's what happens now you've discussed it that matters. By you I mean both of you.

The first year is so intense and just plain exhausting. I wouldn't think many people get much "connecting" or couple time during those twelve months do they?

Clearly you have a shorter relationship history to look back on than most new parents but it doesn't sound very supportive for him to even be raising the subject at this stage.

Does he seem panicky? Or petulant?

What are his suggestions for connecting like you used to? What does he propose to get you closer as a couple? I take a very dim view of someone who lobs 'we don't connect' into the conversation, makes you feel like shit, insists that they love you and then doesn't have any ideas of their own. Or has he struck a nerve? Does he have a point? Do you think it's all been some big mistake? Would you still be with him if there was no DD?

He hasn't got any suggestions. I've tried to talk to him about what we can do to reconnect but he doesn't seem to have any ideas. He doesn't seem to be panicky or petulant, he just doesn't seem that arsed.

So you've only been together just over a year and you're having problems connecting? Are you sure you and him are actually compatible?

If he doesn't care and doesn't have any ideas what's supposed to happen next? You can't live on 'I love you' alone... How does 'not connecting' look btw? Lack of affection? Not spending time together?

I really, really thought/think we are. Genuinely. I was single and happily so for six years before we got together, I wasn't looking for anything, it just sort of happens. We got on so well until a couple of months ago.

We spend time together but separately IYKWIM. He'll be on the playstation, and I'll be reading or something.

What's he like to live with? Are you polite and respectful with each other just lacking in affection and closeness - more like colleagues than lovers. Or is there palpable tension and rows?

What's the balance of your relationship like generally? Do you do equal amounts around the house? Do you get as much child-free leisure time as he does? What are the finances like?

There are all sorts of things you can do "reconnect" but they're only worth doing if the love is there and you have a mutually respectful relationship in which both partners are committed to doing what it takes to restore the health of the relationship.

What happened a couple of months ago? Why the change at that point, three months after the birth of your DD?

Does your DD sleep through the night? Do you get any childfree time?

The problem is that because you had your DD so quickly you've leapfrogged years of investment in your relationship as a couple and gone straight into the really hard part which is the changes that happen when you have a small baby.

No relationship stays the same as it is in the first few months, but most people find that out and develop a new a deeper love as time passes - you have not had that opportunity.

So what is he saying? Is he saying 'things aren't as great as they used to be what can we do?', or is this a precursor to 'I love you but I'm not in love with you so I'm going to leave'?

You need to do a lot of talking.

Do you still go out on dates? Or even stay home but plan a date evening (nice food, make a bit of an effort, watch a film together)?

It is something that a lot of people I know swear by.

Sorry, will try and answer all the questions. I do everything around the house, and I don't get as much child free time as he does. Partly because I'm not that bothered about going out though. I don't recall anything specifically happening, it just seemed that all of a sudden we were bickering a lot. DD does sleep through the night. We don't plan any date nights no, I think we probably need to think about that. He's told me that he doesn't want to split up though.

Why do you do everything, is he incapable?

Sounds like you need to rebuild your relationship from the ground up. Expectations, hopes, roles, all of it. I really wish you luck.

I do it because I'm on mat leave and I have higher standards than him. He can quite happily leave things for days whereas I can't last five minutes. The housework doesn't really bother me though, I'm one of those sad types who quite likes it.

Two things stick out. One is 'he doesn't want to split up' and the other is 'he loves me and that will never change'. I think he believes you don't have any other choices than to endure this 'disconnected', rather boring and very unequal relationship and his 'can't be arsed' attitude is symptomatic of you being taken utterly for granted.

I think you're going to have to inform him that you have options. Especially if he doesn't sharpen his act up, start helping around the home, taking an interest in you and making more of an effort to treat you as someone special.

I know you're right Cog, I really feel like he's holding all the cards at the moment.

So call his bluff.

By saying what?

I'm a new mum - 6 months in- dp and I knew each other as friends for a couple of years before we got together and had a whirlwind romance. Dd was conceived pretty early on at the same time dp was diagnosed with cancer. Oh my god has it been stressful, we've had terrible rows, and of course during the brief child free time we had we didn't argue, we were in the honeymoon period and shagged like rabbits and went on trips, utter bliss. That's all we knew, we are now re-learning how to be together with dd in tow. The good thing is your dp brought it up. That's a positive step as is the fact you are an effective parenting team. You guys need to apply that teamwork to your relationship. Dates, weekend trips, cuddling on the sofa, sex! By the sounds of things though you have every chance at succeeding. I blooming hope so else I have no chance! X

By saying that you've been thinking about what he said about not being connected and you agree with him. And then go on to say that the reason for the disconnect is that, even though he says he loves you, he doesn't make any real effort, things are very boring, and that he needs to come up with some ideas.... or else there won't be a future in the relationship. You do this 'more in sorrow than in anger' IYKWIM, and you stay very calm, but you leave him in no doubt that you are contemplating a life in which he may not feature. Shake him out of his complacency.

I do really like that idea Cog, I will give it some serious thought. Thank you

This could just be temporary, you have a chance of getting things back on track.

He has said he doesn't want to split up so i hope he acts on that. A good sign is that you are still communicating. Don't feel you have to turn cartwheels to keep him interested, or step up your input by unrealistic amounts. It takes two.

From your point of view you are on ML, have reduced financial independence, and temporarily may have lost friends who aren't yet parents. He's still working and when he comes in after a day with adults you're suddenly newer role of being mummy and daddy which is bound to change the way you think about and act towards one another.

as a couple things are nowhere near like they used to be.
he doesn't seem to have any ideas. He doesn't seem to be panicky or petulant, he just doesn't seem that arsed.

A wild guess here but do you mean in terms of physical and emotional intimacy? He talks about not feeling connected any more. It's hard to feel loved and appreciated via playstation or Kindle. A reduced sex life after a baby is very common. If you are shattered or feeling you're not at your best then you don't feel up for it. DP feels rejected, he may not nag for intimacy but he starts to keep a when-we-last-did-it calendar in his head. He might be too nice to moan or nag but he still feels hurt or sad.

I'm sorry if that's not what you meant. I was just thinking that okay, things aren't like they used to be - yes, a baby does that - so you both might need to compromise. Date nights are great, but sometimes just a quickie burst of affection and physical sign you still fancy each other. Having sex makes us feel sexy - rather than a slow build-up and the old pattern, maybe a seized opportunity while DD is napping or asleep? That might be how things are for a while.