Please help - feel sick

[IamstrongerthanMensa]

Name changed.

DP and I had a whirlwind romance, I got pregnant within 6 months of us getting together. DD is now five months old and I feel like everything has gone to shit. He says we don't connect like we used to, which is true, and that we're an effective parenting team, but that as a couple things are nowhere near like they used to be. He says he loves me and that will never change. Is this fixable? Is it something that all new parents go through? Help me please, I feel so numb.

No Donkey, you're spot on. I don't know what to do to reignite the flames though? I feel like it would look a bit desperate to jump him considering the current state of things.

I understand how you feel. Dh and I married after just a year together, had a honeymoon baby then a second dd18 mmonths later. I have been pregnant or bf or both since we got married! Quickies are the way forward. Little sexy texts through the day. Always always make time for a kiss and cuddle when he comes in. We have been through the mill but are coming out the other side.
I think a lot of people are often quick to say ltb but I believe most relationships need work at some point. The honeymoon period can rarely be sustained and as your life changes so your relationship changes and needs nurturing. Talking is the key. It took our parents getting involved and giving us some perspective to get things back on track.

loopdaloo said it all really. You could start just by touching him affectionately more, the odd kiss or cuddle, throw in a compliment, or leave him a note someplace he'll see it? Might feel a little self-conscious but ask him to scrub your back in the bath, or join him in the shower?

Or if that all seems a bit phoney get a babysitter organised, dress up, enjoy each other's company and see how things go when you get home.

By 'leave a note' I meant sweet nothings not "Do the bloody washing up" btw.

Thank you all for your kind words and advice. I genuinely feel like the bottom is about to fall out of my world but you are all helping a little.

Hi again everyone. We spoke again this morning and I told him that I'm not willing to wait around whilst he decides if he wants to be with me or not. I've asked him to move out for a couple of weeks to give us both space and he's agreed. I'm about to have a huge wobble I think. I can't believe this is happening to us.

OP that is really brave of you. Stand firm now and wait and see how things shape up over the next couple of weeks.

Make sure that he does his share of childcare, otherwise he's having a nice two week holiday from responsibility which isn't going to focus his mind in the slightest.

Hang in there, if you are meant to be together then you will work things out, if not then better to find out now than after several years of a life-sapping relationship.

&

At least you've asserted yourself. Whatever happens next, however wobbly you get, you can always look back on that moment and know that you actively determined your own future rather than sat passively back waiting for someone else to decide your fate. Good luck

Thank you both. I did a lot of thinking last night and what you've both said was pretty much my train of thought. I am not willing to be the kind of person who walks around on eggshells trying to make my partner stay with me, and if that is going to be it then I'd much rather get it over and done with now. My parents spilt when I was 9 and I've always said that if they knew that they weren't going to make it then I wish they'd have spilt up when I was too young to know any different.

That was quite a leap however. You went from wanting to reignite the flames and wondering if it was fixable to asking him to leave fairly emphatically. Were you hoping for a more 'LTB' response here? Do you think the split is permanent or are you hoping it shakes him into action?

No, I certainly wasn't hoping for a LTB! I think if I'm honest I really wanted someone who can see into the future to just tell me it'd all be alright. Obviously no one can do that. I absolutely do want to fix it, and I guess I'm just hoping that a couple of weeks apart will give him chance to clear his head and work out exactly what he wants, and also it gives me time to think too.

In that case what do you want to happen?
What are the things that you aren't happy with atm? Do you want to talk more, spend more time together, having some time for yourself, him being more involved in your dc care? What would make you say 'yes that's it. I can feel the love again?

And on your pov, how are you feeling as a mum? Happy, loving it or missing adult company, work, friends?

I think it's all good to tell him he needs to say what he wants and how to get there. Make some proposals. But as someone said before, it takes two to make a relationship work. So what are you proposing?

Final word re your parents. Don't take their example and think this is how it will work for you. As others have said, a new baby changes things and it can be a low point for some couples. It doesn't mean it's the end. It means you need to work on it. But wo being able to say if the outcome will be positive or not.
What is your choice now us to decide if you want to give up now or if you are happy to fight for that relationship before giving up.

" it gives me time to think too."

Thinking is always good. You have to be prepared to follow through with these kinds of situation. What he wants is all well and good, but what you want is actually more important.. it's your life. So do make a few inquiries into what life would be like if you chose not to continue the relationship.... practical things like finances, accommodation, etc. He may not want to be shaken out of his complacency or you may find you don't want the fix as much as you thought. Keep all your options open.

I love being a Mum but it's a massive lifestyle change for me, and it has taken some adjusting and getting used to. I guess I just want us to spend more quality time as a couple, and I want him to seem more bothered about us. I have started thinking about practical stuff, it won't be a case that we have to stay together for the baby.