I can't live like this for much longer...long sorry. xx

[shhhh]

For those of you who know the basics of my current situation and for those of you who don't I need your advice.

Basically dh's plans were to go to his parents on saturday to discuss the recent falling out. He wasn't going to apologise as we were not in the wrong but wanted to offer them the chance.
Anyway things got petty and fil sent bil to ours to pick up garden chairs which they left with us over a year ago (maybe2..) Bil refussed as he's also in the middle of the issue. Due to this dh decided that he wouldn't go on sat as clearly fil was obviously not wanting an end to this iykwim.

Anyhow, fil turned up at ours yesterday unannounced. I stayed in the kitchen as I felt it was best to leave dh & fil to sort out the issues before involving me esp as it was me who'd been involved directly.I so wanted things clearing up esp as dd gets christened on sun.
I could hear what fil was saying and it clearly wasn't the truth and blame was being heaped on dh & I. I was amazed and as dh said, I though this was an apology to which fil replied "i'm here to get my side accross".

Fil continued with his version of the events to which dh & I corrected him, I was sober so remember 100% what happened (unfortunatly). Fil didn't realise that mil had said certain things, either forgotten or forgotton on purpose. FIL came out with some stuff that makes me fell things are even further away from being sorted. I asked him why he said this argument had been a long time coming to which he replied that I'm very rude..I totally disagree with this. I asked for examples to which he could only reply that numerous times my pil had visited I say upstairs..!! I have never done this and i'm shocked he's even said it. Dh agreed with me, even commented that on occasions dh had sat upstairs when my parents had visited i.e if a match was on or is he had work etc to do. Never bothers me and allows me a chat with my parents. For some reason fil feels the same. He also said that I has "problems" I needed to sort out and that he blamed these on my upbringing, saying that he felt my upbringing wasn't the best..!! OMG, I can't fault my parents for how they brought me up and this doesn't only upset me but it does my parents. He says I need to "remember where I came from and that i'm nothing but a little girl from *" He's always had issues about where I lived for 20 years of my life (believe me where he brought his kids up and where he and his wife lived before is no better place) he doesn't seem to realise that I have probably done more with my life that he ever has. For 7 years I lived abroard and in other parts of the uk.

I'm quite hurt and very upset about what was said, the argument seems to have gone from one drunken issue to now others have been introduced. DH supports me but says sometimes I don't always allow things to move on..how can I after what was said..? He also says fil said what he did because he wasn't "winning" the issue. He believes he said what he said to try and keep the argument on his side. To make it look like I'm the one with the issues.

Fil says I think I'm someone I'm not...yeah sure dh & I have got more than we ever dreamed of materistically but we have also had our fair share of bad times. We never forget that what we have could be gone very easily, tbh I think pil are jealous of what we have/dh has achieved at such a young age. They need to remember that when I met dh 10 years ago dh was earning £10k, how could I have other motives..???

Fil also told me to take dh, and asked if I was happy now with what I had..said that I finally had my wish and had him all to myself . I want to be his wife..not his mother. I never felt I could take over a mothers role and I never wanted to.

Sorry for it going on..I'm upset and this has gone over in my mind since it happened.....
Where can I go from here..? I feel things would be easier if I left dh..I don't want him having this rift with them, saddens me and esp as it's me who the issues are with....

What a mess!

What does your DH want? Does he generally get on well with his dad?

What does your FIL want? Does he want you to apologise for him being rude to you?

It sounds like your inlaws are the ones not letting things move on, frankly. If they just said "sorry" and dropped it, wouldn't that be the way to move on?

yes it is a mess...I really didn't want things to go this way.

DH usually gets on well with his dad, although there have been occasions where his dad has been a bit abrupt with dh but fil usually comes around or tbh usually mil is the one who contacts us iykwim. But she kept out of this this time, they caused the argument originally but suppose it was left ti fil to sort.

Dh is not arsed and has told me that as far as he's concerned he doesn't need them which makes me feel sad, like its all my fault. He knows his dad is in the wrong.

Yes, all it takes os one little word "sorry" DH said this yesterday, fil replied that it's not him who needs to apologise. TBH want upsets me more is the fact that this argument has gone way to personal. My upbringing or rudeness didn't have anything to do with it initially. How can they have such a wrong view of me..??? I have been with dh through thick and thin, I love him so so much and would do anything for him. We've been through a split, x2 mc, have dd and i'm now 10 weeks with baby2. I have never ben more happier than I am now in life..surely they can see I only have the best intentions for their son..

i think they are taoxic parents and in laws and are so self absorbed that you are never going to get an apology or allowed to move in..... perhaps they are jealous at what you have with dh - without seeing that you and dh have worked hard for it.

DO you need this stress in your life - wondering what the next outburst or outrage is going to be - wondering what will be your fault next.... It took me a while but I came to the conclusion that life and society in general are so ready to knock you and put your down and to take a toll on you... why let people do it to you....

If they do not enhance and enrich your life - what is the point??

The purpose of getting married and having children is to move from your family of origin to your new family which becomes your priority..... I can see your dh's point - he doesn't need them - they are toxic... he is not blaming you and from what I can see has backed you up at every point... that should tell you a lot.

Why do you need to leave him - his parents are grown ups and have chosen this behaviour and have to live with the consequences if that means their son has nothing to do with them - well tough!!!!

Sorry I seem to be rambling. Hope you can see what I mean in all of this.

they can't even argue in a mature way - that is to deal with the issue at hand without getting all personal and commenting on your upbringing and so on. Their selfish behaviour has cost them a relationship with their son - nothing you have done - from what I can read.

thanks eidsvold, yes it does make sense. See dh has the same opinion as you, he feels that his family is " us 3" and that he doesn't need anyone else. I suppose I feel sad for dh as it's quite sad things are like they are.

I feel like I have no option but to leave dh as I feel thats one way of resolving the issue...sure dh won't go back to parents etc BUT at least I'm out of the equation so it allows his parents to contact him without having me in the way iykwim. Dh so doesn't want this but I feel like it's on my conscience (sp..?) I feel like I have spoilt things for dh and our dd...

Yes I am lucky to have such a caring dh and one who will fight my case.I suppose it's a sign that he think a hell of a lot for his dw.

I think it's just hurt me the comments about "my upbringing" and "that i'm someone I'm not". It's always been dh who strived for things in life and because I love him I have supported him..from moving jobs to moving home etc all just to help him to provide us with a good life for our children. If I had my way we would still be in our 1st home from 6 years ago..no flash home or car..it's always been dh who's wanted to treat me to nice or designer items, the lifestyle he's strived for over 13 years. Obviously they feel that I am some kind of wannabe or moneygrabber iykwim..well thats my impression from yesterday. Up until I finished work to have dd I helped as much as I could financially and certainly until 3 years ago I paid the same as dh for bills etc.

I don't know, I just can't beleieve that my il's could have such a wrong view of me...

"I feel like I have no option but to leave dh as I feel thats one way of resolving the issue...sure dh won't go back to parents etc BUT at least I'm out of the equation so it allows his parents to contact him without having me in the way iykwim".

Shhhh,

FGS luv get some perspective here!!!!. This above suggestion of yours is frankly bonkers and will not resolve anything. How on earth would you leaving make things any better?. It would only serve to destroy both you as a person along your own family unit. Think of your own DD here - a separation because of the pathetic and toxic inlaws!!. Strewth!!. It will not either make any relationship between your DH and his parents any better; I think he has come to realise exactly how toxic they are. Toxic people are very good at blaming everyone else but themselves for their own issues.

You leaving will not resolve any underlying issues re PILs (I would agree with eidsvoid in that they are certainly toxic people).

I would suggest you (and your DH) read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward.

thanks atilla..!! Yes I do have the book..in fact on a previous post I thought that fil saying "it's been a long time coming" that maybe he had somehow seen this book at our home (They has access while we were on holiday and may have seen it on my bedside table)....thus the cause of the issues...see under relationship: surely if it's in our home its private..

Yes you are right about the split issue..I suppose it's not a solution but would add to it even more. Suppose dh & I need to stick together even more...

ouch.

difficult to comment without knowing all the complexities but it does sound like leaving dh would be a mad overreaction.

your feelings have been hurt and its hard to think rationally when nerves are so raw.

try to remember that you cannot control other peoples behaviour, only your own and your reactions to it. me? i'd take a deep breath and try to carry on almost as if it hasnt happened. you have dh's support so the 3 of you can just get on with life. i think that if your pil dont get the big reaction they are looking for and time passes and they are just alone they will start to feel a bit silly for behaving this way and look for a way back.

if, like you suspect, they have decided that you are 'against' them (by seeing the book for example) the only way to counter that is by calmly and caringly saying to them both something along the lines of: 'look, im not your enemy, i want harmony in our family, if you want to talk about anything in an adult, non-accusatory way im v open to that, but in the meantime, im just going to get on with my life. ok?'

then youve done all you can and you can stop beating yourself up because it sounds like you have absolutely no reason to.

hope things get better soon.

Hi shhhh,
I agree with everyones comments. The suggestion you leave DH is just pointless! Do you not see that you will be playing right into their hands???? Don't give them the oppurtunity to say to your DH "Told you so. She was no good"
FGS-why would that be the right thing to do? If they want to fuck up their lives by losing their family then let them. Why on earth should you do the same?
It sounds to me like you have the perfect DH (believe me-alot of men would be torn between parents and DW) Embrace what you have,take a step back,enjoy your DH,DD and pregnancy and let them lick their wounds and realise what they are losing.
I don't see it in the marraige contract that you have to get on with your PIL. If you did the marraige rate would take a dive thats for sure!!!
Good luck,.

I really think you are placing blame on yourself for this argument, and it really isn't your fault. If your DH had married someone else, who wasn't from where you're from, had a completely different background, I'm sure your FIL would have come up with a different reason to object to her. It sounds like he's really jealous of what you and your DH have, and is just being vile.

Could I just ask is there anyone in the back ground doing and stiring. The reason why I ask is that we fell out with PIL for a couple of years and it turned out that a mutual "friend" has been stiring things about both of us.

I don't think you leaving DH is an option you would be playing right into their hands.
Stick it out together, you and dh matter. Your PIL are the ones who will miss out.
Sometimes the only way to change a relationship like this is to stop contact for a while.
We didn't have any intention of having dh's parents back in our lives,they didn't come to the wedding and they missed out on their first grandchild for 15 months. We did get back on speaking terms and our relationship with them is completely different to how it was.

My inlaws are as vile as yours and it is horrid.
Shhh it is not you and leaving your Dh will not solve anything.They would be like it with any woman who got close to their son.My inlaws relationship is crap.They are jealous control freaks.
I have two sons and I want someone to shoot me if I ever behave like this.I really feel for you shhh.Don't let them effect you like this it is their problem.
I have little to do with my inlaws now because they have such a negative effect on us.You are important your family and if they can't behave get rid.You hold the trump cards at the end of the day and they will have to behave.
Mine have blamed me for everything and slagged of my parents.Both her children just tolerate her and that is very sad.They want dh to go around there on his own with the children and he said no way.He has only just started to stand up to her and I am proud of him.I to wished it could be different ,but sadly it is not to be.
Do not blame yourself Shhh

Shhhh,

"Suppose dh & I need to stick together even more..."
Eureka Shhh!!!!!. You write sense here!!!.

If you are feeling a waver in your resolve, you re-read this thread.

The problem isn't between you and your DH - it sounds like he's with you 100% - it's between you / DH and his parents. Leaving DH is not going to solve anything so stick together.

You can do without this kind of stress so I'd break off contact for a while. If they ask why just say that the constant arguing and 'who said what to whom' isn't doing anyone any good and you'd like some time for everything to calm down. They might then realise what they stand to lose - their relationship with DH and grandchildren especially - and come round to a more reasonable way of thinking.

Hope it works out.

things have got worse......dh mother called him yesterday at work. She was crying. She doesn't to lose contact with him as when fil came on sunday they found out that our home is up for sale (put up just after the issues). She felt we would leave and not tell them. I would never do this BUT dh told me this was his plan..not sure how serious he was...

Anyway he called me saying how upset she was and that he wants to visit at the w/e to try and clear things up. Personally I feel she is crying to use emotional blackmail. She told him she feels things have gone to far and can't be resolved even though dh said things have never gone to far iho. Anyway aftre speaking to dh he suggested I have a word to her. I called her which she wasn't expecting. She said the same to me as to dh and although can't answer why fil said what he did on sunday she said I would NEVER get an aplogy from fil or her. She made it clear that all she wanted was contact with her son..thats all. I told her thats not a problem and in 8 weeks I have told him to visit them but he choose not to. She blames ME for them not seeing dd. Says I took her every w/e and following the argument I stopped all contact. As dh said, many times they visited us and what did they expect us to do...?? Still visit even though things had been said..We truley think that they thought we would carry on as though nothing had happened. I told her they could have come to us..she had no reply. She felt I was the bad one for stopping them having access.FFS...

She can't tell me why they have these issues with me or why it's just come up aftre 10 years but says "it happens in family!. "they have argument and break up"

She claims it's making her and fil ill. She doesn't seem to realise what it's doing to dh and the fact that he doesn't need calls when at work esp as he's got a very important role and has 3/4 hours driving each day. I told her I'm 11 weeks pregnant with mc history so don't need this. It hurts me that nothing has been mentioned about baby from them. Not even to dh. This should be a happy time for us. But I fear for my unborn baby as this is killing me.

DH yesterday said he wanted nothing to do with them and as far as he was concerned they weren't around iykwim.

He did want to see them this w/e with dd to sort things. BUT I don't feel her should take dd to see them while trying to sort issues. She saw to much shouting on sunday tbh. DH disgarees esp as mil says we are using dd as a bargaining tool..Not at all. I just can't accept them not wanting anything to do with me BUT wanting to see dd. It kills me.

Dh has been texting me all morning. He wants to see them now as the w/e and wants to sort things and for us to be cival. I on the otherhand don't want to see them again. Too much has been said and they have really upset me. So much so I don't know what to do with my life. How can I let things go when they have said stuff to me, how can I allow them to see dd...I just fee that they are trying to get to dd by being emotionally blackmailing.

HELP.......

Message withdrawn

Could you matbe not write all this down in a letter and send it to them, That way they can take in anything you have to say, It cant be twisted and they can read it again as many times as it takes to understand. It sometimes stops issues turning into arguements, Its v easy to say nasty stuff but far harder to write it down. It may be a way forward. I know at the moment your keeping tou of it but I would be tempted to put pen to paper maybe to mil.
Also this way if by chance you/they have got your/their facts not quite straight they may be able to see where the misunderstanding is.

good luck

Message withdrawn

Dior lol at "feeling left out"..! They have never been left out BUT it was their choice not to contact us till 8 weeks after the argument.

Dh did say yesterday he wanted to write a letter which I agreed with BUT I don't feel I need to write one myself. I spoke to mil yesterday and fil on sunday so they know how I feel. It's them who have added fuel to the fire by "calling" me even futher. How can I be cival to them after all this..? Now dh has text saying his only option is to "sneak" visits to his parents without me knowing and thanks me for nothing...I really wish I wasn;t around. I feel that dh has differnt loyalties, I explained that if my parents etc had spoken to him in the same way how would he feel if I continued visits..would he not feel hurt that I carried on regardless.? I feel his loyalities are now changing sides...They have a 30 year hold on him..sadly I have a mere 10.

Oh Shhhh
this sounds all to familiar to me.

We have that many arguments and fallings out with IL's its untrue.
One of them that was quite bad happened a couple of years ago and involved dd.
Don't want to go into it too much and take over but like you, my dh stuck by me as it was me getting the "flack" for everything. I was all that was bad etc.

In the end we had to sort things out with MIL. There was no choice in the matter. It was either have no contact or sort it out although dh was more than prepared to lose all contact becaue what was said about me was all lies. Again like you.

Saying things like leaving your dh is just silly. You obviously have a good solid relationship and a happy one at that.
I admit of thinking the same thing too, not only so that dh could have a relationship with his parents but just so I could be out of it because it is so mind numbingly tiring.

I wish I could say something else to help but I really would try and go down to sort things out because they obviously have an issue with you that needs resolving. If you all muster up a measly sorry and patch things up lightly the chances are something like this will rear its ugly head again IYSWIM. They need to get across their issues and whatever they are sort them out and if you can't then you and your dh need to do whats best for you as a family, not as individuals.

I really really do understand how you feel. Its so crappy.
xxx

imo this is very difficult. i totaly understand how you are feeling as we had similar situation with my ILs when ds was a baby. it basically came down to the fact that they didn't think I was a good enough mother. transpired that the whole family had been talking about us behind our backs (even members of the family I thought I was very close to) and it all came out in an argument between me and fil one night which resulted in fil not speaking to me for two years. Literally not speaking to me. they would come to stay at our house for the weekend and he wouldn't speak to me, not even say hello.

I do understand that this upsets you, but I do also think that it doesn't come down to loyalties. Yes your dh should be loyal to you, but they are still his parents and he has a right to have a relationship with them. You can't expect him to cut contact with his parents just because they've fallen out with you, yes you can expect him to go round there and to stick up for you, which he has already done by all accounts, you can expect him to demand that they respect his choice of partner and be civil towards you if only for his/your dd's sake, but you cannot expect him to disown his own family. And you also cannot use your dd against them. Your dd should be kept out of the way of arguments, but them seeing/not seeing your dd should have nothing to do with the argument between you two, they are her grandparents and she most likely would like to see them, if you stop them seeing your dd what will you tell her when she tets older and asks why she's not allowed to see her grandparents?

I think you should think very carefully about this. I think you should try and sort things out, if anything happened to them and you'd made your dh cut contact with them how would that make you feel?

i am not stopping dh from seeing them, I just won't be involved. I have told him to visit them but he wants to be go along. Something I am not prepared to do which I feel I have good reason not to.

How can we take dd to see them when neither of us is/will talk to one another..?? Madness.

Dh has spoken to me moments ago and is now saying I have never made his parents feel welcome..Sure I have had things thats made it hard BUT I have done my upmost to keep them sweet. From sitting at theirs while DH goes to the match to buying wedding anniversary gifts and generally trying to being a good dil. All thrown back at me. Now dh is turning against me.
I know it sounds mad us and dh splitting but I don't feel he is now being supportive. I think he wants to sort things with his parents and doesn't give a dam about me..why else turn against me..? The whole saga is emotinally draining on me and dh is putting pressue of me by leaving me message saying he's on his way from home work (2 hours away) and that he's been sacked and it's all my own fault. Things are getting nasty between us by the hour.

I really can't take much more and feel like I am going to have a break down.I feel sad for my daughter being born into all this. I don't regret her one bit BUT I wish my life could have taken a different route 10 years ago.

I hate dh for putting me through this as a crucial stage in my pregnancy..

Its the pressure and stress of it thats making him say these things shhhh.
I'm not making excuses as it can't be great by any means for you atm but things must be taking their toll now.

{{{hugs}}}

How many weeks are you?