I can't live like this for much longer...long sorry. xx

[shhhh]

For those of you who know the basics of my current situation and for those of you who don't I need your advice.

Basically dh's plans were to go to his parents on saturday to discuss the recent falling out. He wasn't going to apologise as we were not in the wrong but wanted to offer them the chance.
Anyway things got petty and fil sent bil to ours to pick up garden chairs which they left with us over a year ago (maybe2..) Bil refussed as he's also in the middle of the issue. Due to this dh decided that he wouldn't go on sat as clearly fil was obviously not wanting an end to this iykwim.

Anyhow, fil turned up at ours yesterday unannounced. I stayed in the kitchen as I felt it was best to leave dh & fil to sort out the issues before involving me esp as it was me who'd been involved directly.I so wanted things clearing up esp as dd gets christened on sun.
I could hear what fil was saying and it clearly wasn't the truth and blame was being heaped on dh & I. I was amazed and as dh said, I though this was an apology to which fil replied "i'm here to get my side accross".

Fil continued with his version of the events to which dh & I corrected him, I was sober so remember 100% what happened (unfortunatly). Fil didn't realise that mil had said certain things, either forgotten or forgotton on purpose. FIL came out with some stuff that makes me fell things are even further away from being sorted. I asked him why he said this argument had been a long time coming to which he replied that I'm very rude..I totally disagree with this. I asked for examples to which he could only reply that numerous times my pil had visited I say upstairs..!! I have never done this and i'm shocked he's even said it. Dh agreed with me, even commented that on occasions dh had sat upstairs when my parents had visited i.e if a match was on or is he had work etc to do. Never bothers me and allows me a chat with my parents. For some reason fil feels the same. He also said that I has "problems" I needed to sort out and that he blamed these on my upbringing, saying that he felt my upbringing wasn't the best..!! OMG, I can't fault my parents for how they brought me up and this doesn't only upset me but it does my parents. He says I need to "remember where I came from and that i'm nothing but a little girl from *" He's always had issues about where I lived for 20 years of my life (believe me where he brought his kids up and where he and his wife lived before is no better place) he doesn't seem to realise that I have probably done more with my life that he ever has. For 7 years I lived abroard and in other parts of the uk.

I'm quite hurt and very upset about what was said, the argument seems to have gone from one drunken issue to now others have been introduced. DH supports me but says sometimes I don't always allow things to move on..how can I after what was said..? He also says fil said what he did because he wasn't "winning" the issue. He believes he said what he said to try and keep the argument on his side. To make it look like I'm the one with the issues.

Fil says I think I'm someone I'm not...yeah sure dh & I have got more than we ever dreamed of materistically but we have also had our fair share of bad times. We never forget that what we have could be gone very easily, tbh I think pil are jealous of what we have/dh has achieved at such a young age. They need to remember that when I met dh 10 years ago dh was earning £10k, how could I have other motives..???

Fil also told me to take dh, and asked if I was happy now with what I had..said that I finally had my wish and had him all to myself . I want to be his wife..not his mother. I never felt I could take over a mothers role and I never wanted to.

Sorry for it going on..I'm upset and this has gone over in my mind since it happened.....
Where can I go from here..? I feel things would be easier if I left dh..I don't want him having this rift with them, saddens me and esp as it's me who the issues are with....

Never usually post but really think you all need to take a step back and calm down. Things are escalating out of control and not helping your stress levels. If that means no contact while the dust settles, so be it. I also have issues,but with my parents not dh's but imho once you marry that is where YOUR family begins, you need to put each other first (excluding children of course) and think of everyone else as peripheral to your life (added bonuses!). You are his wife, he has chosen you as his LIFE partner, they brought him up to make his own decisions and that is what he has done, sorry if I'm waffling, just wanted to say you must present a united front to the pil's as if they spot any kind of chink in your marital armour they are likely to exploit it. HTH?

thanks yf and shera..yf I'm 11 weeks and prior to dd I mc x2 so quite a stressfull and worrying time for us anyway without this extra pressure.

ATM dh is blowing hot and cold in the sense that one minuet he hates them, the next he wants things sorted and I see his pov totally. Personally I think things need to be left for a few weeks and need to be reasessed as things are very raw esp for me. I'm not saying I will visit them etc BUT I feel dh should leave it a while till the flames die down and then he confronts them. I can only decide what I do from there. I suppose for dh's sake and dd sake I would like things to become cival but I need to know how things lie first and now is not the time.

Like so many of you have said things need to calm down. I so don't want to loose dh but I just feel atm in time I am to tired to fight any more.

If after a few weeks dh see's them and they are a bit more cival and can accept me and dd & dh as a package then I will look at things again. What do you all think..? It's just now things are not right, mil made it clear yesterday that all she wants is contact with her son. She will keep out of our lives but doesn't want to loose him. My impression from that was she doesn't want anything to do with dd or I. I know that if dh goes around now or even at w/e he won't get the reply he needs. DD gets christened on sun and I so don't want her day spoiling like her birthday was 8 weeks ago... She may not remember it but I do..

If thats what you need to do Shhh, then do it.

Dh is a package like you said. You are his wife and you have a dd and another baby on the way.
What is her problem with you?

She should be bloody grateful that her son has a loving and devoted wife and who has given them a lovely granddaughter.

I've got to go now but will check back when I can.
I hope you and dh manage to agree on something today and you feel a bit better.
I know its easy for me to say but try and relax as best you can.

{{hugs}}

xxx

thanks yf. TBH it's nice to be able to ask for others opinions and just to sound off really. I have spoken to my mum and she's upset and wants to take me away from it all but sadly she can't..Maybe if I was 15 years younger. Mum's also upset as what's been said if also an insult to her iykwim.

I have no idea what my mil's problem is with me. I think it's the age old issue with mil and dil and I think that she doesn't like the fact that he has someone else now. Thing have always been strained although never this bad. Things were said to me before but dh would laugh it off or say, she didn't say that or she didn't mean it or she was drunk but suppose now he's witnessd it at it's fullest and he's unable to ignore it.

I have always respected my inlaws (as an elder) but this time I felt things were differnt. I felt like I was not going to be pushed around any more. Maybe that was my downfall but then again I don't regret it as it's allowed me the chance to see things how they really are.

My mil has always said how "they never cut the umbilical cord at birth" which always hurt me. As if she was making me aware of my place in the relationship. I suppose she now can't accept the fact that we are married, have a baby and are happy (ish). She always seemed to want more from me...comments were made at dd's birthday " it's about time she gave me another grandchild". Unknown to us I was 4 wk pregnant (DH &I's choice)..I just felt that whatever I did she wanted more from me.

I have told her I want to be dh's dw not his dm. I have never had issues with my fil but this time he's shown his true self and has said things I didn't think he was possible to say to me. He seems to be someone I really didn't know.

I think your dh needs to understand how upset you are by what your PIL have said about you. Things are very raw for you at the moment and you need time to get things sorted in your head.

Oh dear, this sounds so unpleasant and horribly familiar. I can only offer advice from my own perspective. I noticed something about your posts; you talk repeatedly about you not understanding why they don?t like you. That you?ve made an effort and that you can?t understand why they are being so horrible. I get the sense that you want them to like you.
Totally understandable of course, but I suspect with people like this completely beyond your control. You could try anything and everything and behave in a myriad of different ways and they would be hostile. The breakthrough for me was realising that il?s didn?t like me, but not because of who I was but because of who they were (ie not very nice). So I stopped fretting about them, behaved how I wanted to (ie normally) and refused to intimidated by them. This of course is a lot easier to say than do, as it is very natural to want to be liked, especially by people as important as grandparents etc. I would recommend repeating it like a mantra in your head, ?they are weird, I am normal, I can?t do anything about it? every snide comment should have you saying (in your head of course) ?gosh they are unpleasant?. The aim is to try and not make it personal, not engage with their awful behaviour, and above all reduce how much it affects you (I know I know easier said than done). Hopefully this would make things a little less stressful?
Bizarly this also helped DH, it was a lot less stressful for him (I wasn?t bending his ear about how stressful/difficult I found his parents). I was more natural around them so being more at ease was more genuine and therefore was ?welcoming? up until the point they behaved badly (meetings didn?t start with me being stressed so things got off to a good start until they behaved badly). This also had the bonus effect of highlighting just how unreasonable they were and how it had nothing to do with me.
Hope this is in some way helpful. Lots of warm thoughts your way and good luck with it all.

Good post hettie

How are things today shhhh?
Hope your ok.

The main thing here is look after yourself and your baby. Just keep away from them, they're not good for you or dd or the baby. Life is too short to go through this kind of thing. They are not treating you with even basic respect, droning on about your upbringing and speaking badly of your parents. Who the hell do they think they are?

You might be better off out of this marriage, I really don't know you or the relationship well enough to say. Right now though, you should try and get well away I think. You're well off, so can you take dd and splash out on a holiday with your mum? Blow some of the savings and go and recover from all of this.

Longer term - can't you and dh move away and live somewhere where regular visits/contact are out of the question? Can't you find a reason for doing this - healthier environment for the children, better schools, safer (not actually mentioning getting away from the ILs?

hettie that was a lovely post and it made sense. Yes you are right, I am the type of person who goes through life wanting people to like me. I have never had problems making friends and get on well with everyone BUT like you said this issue has left me thinking more about myself than them and maybe it's them who are the one's at fault.

Hi yf, I feel better today, I again spoke to dh last night and said he's welcome to see them alone till things are sorted and settled. Once I know how the ground lies and only then will I make my decision about how the future goes with them. I have pointed out to dh that not at one time did his father or mother say they wanted this sorting..just that they didn't want him to drop contact. To me they have no intention of rectifying things at all..so this being the case I don't know why dh feels he has to sort things. BUT they are his parents like he keeps reminding me and sadly I think that is the hold they are keeping on him. Emotional blackmail is unfair imo.

Today dh doesn;t want anything to do with them and feels it's their loss but things could change again tomorrow..He wanted to "somehow" let them know that he feels they should be at dd's christening on sun. I on the other hand feel he should leave it up to them to make the decision. Surely dh saying he fels they should attend only makes us come accross as wanting to involve them and in a way to try and brush over whats happened.

sss, we are not well off, just comfortable and have a good income. But we are not in a position to spend xs cash. DH is self emp so currently only has a contract till dec. Also baby is due in feb so we need cash to allow him to take a while off with me, dd and baby. Also although dh has said stuff that's been wrong I think it's due to all this and really he doesn't mean it (i hope so anyway!!). It would break his heart if we split and I think it would be the same if I went away..

TBH we had gone 8 weeks without contact from them and things were brilliant, no concerns no arguments and we were a proper little family. Now this has happened it's like they have thrown us up into the air iykwim. Dh feels that it's only since the "visit" that emotions are raw again. He feels that, if we give us a few more days we will be back to how we were.

Personally I don't se what we will benefit by leaving it a week or 2 or 6 and then contacting them as it's been 8 weeks and things went worse than ever. But I suggested we leave it and dh goes from there..

Just the christening to get through.....sorry to post such long posts but it realy helps me to clear things in my mind etc.
Thanks to those of you who have been reading and advising..!!

sss, forgot to add about moving away. Our home is up for sale so yes a move is possible if we manage to sell. This is something we would both want as we do feel we are "put" on quite a lot of times. Not just by pil but by my parents. My sister lives a bit away so it tends to be me who see's my parents more. BUT my pil only live 5 mins away so it has been easier for them to call in unannounced.

Moving would not be too much of an issue as we have both dropped it into the conversation with both parents, esp the fact that we feel it will benefit our family and future children.

Well if your dh goes to see them on his own, they maybe more open and honest with what they actually have a problem with, which as a result might make it easier to sort out IYSWIM.

I know when we had problems my MIL always held out in what she really wanted to say when I was there but the minute she had dh alone or on the phone she'd speak her mind.

I hope sunday goes well anyway. Just enjoy the day, hopefully the weather will still be good.

I think it sounds as though they actually enjoy having a DIL to have fights with/about. If they are the kind of people who get drunk beyond control at a 1 year old's birthday party there is not much you can do. Basically, I agree with everything that Hettie said. You can choose how you want to treat them (even if thats never to see them again), but if you start trying to look for logic in their behaviour you are on to a looser.

Morning shhhh

Hows things?

Anyway, you are not a little girl from xxx, you are a 27 year old mother.

hello shhh, sorry for butting in. Have you thought about getting counselling or hypnotherapy perhaps just to increase you confidence. Family issues can be very tricky as no matter how long you know the inlaws, you will never feel the same about them as your husband does. The main thing is to try and set a good example for your daughter. That is all up to you as you can't control their behavior. What is it you want her to learn about relationships and family?

Shhh, I had an almost indentical situation with my PIL and would agree with others who said it was only eventually resolved by a bit of distance between us. Basically we did not see/have contact my PIL for over a year after a similar 'discussion' to yours but eventually they called dh asked us to attend FIL's 60th birthday (didn't want their friends to know of problems.)We did attend and the situation changed in that after a year of no contact they were very, very polite during any contact and there were no more arguments or comments about my 'background' or comments about my 'using' dh for money (like you, when I met him he had none and was a student so can't see why I was a gold digger!)I don't think they ever liked me but at least they made a bit of effort after our year of silence. They have both since passed away and although I regret the time lost for my DH I do think the situation had become intolerable and had to change as it made none of us happy. I hope it helps to know your situation is not unique and I am thinking of you.

aww you have all said some really lovely things. Brought a tear to my eye and it's nice to know that I'm not the only one in a situation like this. All of our friends get on with their pil etc so I feel like i'm an outsider and what am I doing that so worng but I know I must stop asking "myself" these questions.

Know what purpleduck..I did actually think earlier on this week about ME going for conselling, wondering if I could get any help from somewhere but I then hough I would be laughed at as it's not me who's the one doing the calling etc. I didn't know if there would be an help out there..??

YF, it's nice to know you arestill there and still asking after me...thanks xx

WELL things have changed yet again. DH called me at 8am today saying he'd just come off the phone to his parents. His mum text him asking him to call him as she needed to let him know his nan couldn't make the christening. (I think this was her way of getting him to contact her iykwim). Anyway everything that has gone on over the last 8 weeks has been discussd and dh has told them he's disgusted at their behaviour and how they have been towards me. Told them I didn't deserve this and he can't see where they are coming from. Between fil and mil he has found that that they didn't mean what has been said about my "isues, or background,or that I think I'm anyone or that my upbringing is at fault". Apparently this was all said because fil felt he had to say it to me to get a reaction....!

Apparently the issue of me being rude goes back to 5 years ago (fil can't remember the exact occasion) when apparently I sat upstiars when they visited ..5 years ago..!!! Again dh told fil that neither of us can recall me ever doing this BUT to still have issues if I did aftre 5 years is..!! I don't know what!!!.

They haven't apologised but said they are at fault and from now on in our company only water will be drunk. FIl said he was going to come around the day aftre the recent argument with flowers for me but felt they would be shoved up his arse..How right would he have been..! .

DH has also told them that no occasion have I asked for a designer bag, or designer shoes, or a more expensive car or home..This has all been done from HIM buying me these things and not a want from me at all. He says everything he has and wants in life is because he has ambition and wants the best for us iykwim.

I'm glad that things are more out in the open for dh as it's been causing him major stress etc. Although neither of us feel the issue is solved at least we have il's aware of things from our end. They also asked if they could come on sunday. DH said yes, tbh to miss dd's christening would be something you couldn't replace.

DH's feels i'm owed an apology but neither of us feels we will get one..maybe just a "we were wrong and are moving on" type convo. Makes me mad as I really want them to know from me the upset they have caused me and my parents from their "throw away" comments. BUT with it being dd's christening I am not prepared to have bad memories from this day as well.

DH feels the same as me and that things may never go back to how they were and if they do it will take some building.Even them babysitting etc is a while off as I need 100% trust. I'm hurt and quite shocked by their behaviour.

Life is to short and although I don't want us to never speak I also don't want to be walked over.As MadamePlatypus said, I'm now a 27 year old woman, i'm now playing adult games..! Even though fil said dh & I were kids..!! lol.

sorry, I can spell..just get my letters mixed up..!!!