Post affair - can't cope

[ShoulddaStuckwithDogs]

3 months ago I found my DH was having an affair. We have 4 children under 6, youngest is a baby. Now the bubble has burst he regrets it enormously and wants to work at repairing our relationship.

Having felt last week that I was doing better and things were a little more normal I am now overwhelmed again by it all. I can't sleep, I don't want to eat. I cry every day and obsess over 'Why did he do it?'; 'How could he do it?'; 'My life is over', 'I'll never be the same again', etc.

I know I WILL feel better. I know it's early days. I know the reasons for the affair - he was struggling with depression, finding the kids too much and she flattered his ego - and I've read a self-help book which deals with affairs and recovering from them. And yet, I wish I were dead and I can't get past this utterly hopeless feeling. I've read lots of stuff which all says you can get over it and repair the relationship but it will never be the same and it will always hurt and I find that incredibly depressing as if the affair has doomed me forever to be damaged.

I feel utterly desperate: some hope would be good.

Three months is when it hits IME. Initially, you're so shocked and numb that you'll do anything, believe anything and forgive anything just to keep the wheels on the cart. If you'll pardon the observation.... you've been very quick to swallow some pretty pathetic excuses. 'Finding the kids too much' ... he actually said that? And 'flattery'... you think no-one's ever going to flatter him again?

A few months down the track when things are calmer and the fog has cleared and you actually start thinking clearly.... which is exactly what's happening now. He may be full of regret and wanting to work at it but if you're not getting satisfactory answers to the questions that are tormenting you, that's his responsibility to fix. You'r not going to find solace in a self-help book.

I'd strongly suggest you go for counselling if you're not already doing so. It won't ever be the same again, he has to be a lot more honest, and the effort here seems to be far too one-sided.

Gawd, what lame excuses for having an affair, esp the bit about his kids, that's lovely.

He's let you down big time, esp with having four kids to support. Only time will tell I'm afraid, 3 months is nothing, it will probably take years for you to forgive and accept, if at all. You almost sound like you take full responsibility for his failings, their his, never yours, no matter how unloved he felt, he choose to disrespect you and his family - it's all down to him to convince YOU that he's worth having around.

No advice really but wanted to say I am also 3 months on from finding out and it's very hard. I'm having quite a lot of good moments as well as a fair few bad but if you have a baby then it must be a lot harder for you to deal with. Sorry that you're going through this too.

"Now the bubble has burst he regrets it enormously and wants to work at repairing our relationship."

Who cares what he wants?

What do YOU want?

He shat all over you, your marriage, and your family because that's what he wanted very recently.

So now YOU get to decide what happens next.

And you don't owe him anything. You don't owe him making this up to you. You don't owe him any chances.

He didn't give a fuck about the damage he was causing to you when it suited him to cause it, so you don't need to consider how your decisions now will affect him.

"I find that incredibly depressing as if the affair has doomed me forever to be damaged."

Yeah. He made that decision for you.

He decided on your behalf that the life you thought you had would be taken away from you and you'd be left with either divorce or a life of knowing you are married to a man who is a liar and a cheat.

I am so sorry you are going through this, what a shit to have an affair when you have small children.

My father had an affair when I was little, DM had given up everything for him. She was happy and loved him a lot, she thought everything was perfect, 5 years later we found out. I remember that time well, I was 8ish, us kids had no idea what was going on, except there was lots of shouting, lots of crying, lots of apologies from our dad.

They stayed together, my DM cried a lot, she got herself a degree and career etc.. now I have kids I just can not understand why, when she needed him the most, when we needed our dad he was off fucking some other woman.

And then joy of joys, it turns out he didn't stop seeing her at all, years later they had picked up where they left off and DM found out again, by accident. This time it nearly did break them up, but now she feels too old to start over and be alone. They have 5 years down the line seem to have sorted stuff out, they finally seem ok, DF is very attentive to DM but really what life has my DM had that is real, and that resentment now bubbles under the surface.

Please don't stay with him for the kids, don't stay with him because you are scared, you are young enough to turn it all around, to be happy, truly happy, to be able to trust again you deserve that, your kids deserve that.

Of course it is shit now, but why are you the one trying to save the marriage, finding the kids too much, what a twat, not too much for you to manage though on your own! Having small kids it tough on any marriage but this is the time when you need each other most, and he wasn't there for you, so do you want him in your life anymore? I think it is he that needs to demonstrate to you how sorry he is and how it will never happen again and you need time to think about what you want from life. Good Luck, and I am sorry you and your kids are going through this shit.

Thanks Cog. I think I coped very well after the first two weeks. He said he was leaving us all to set up home with her so I geared myself up for bringing up the 4 kids alone. I asked him to move out because I was finding living with him while he continued the affair very difficult and the evening he moved out reality bit.

They are poor excuses - altho I'd have to concede that 4 very young kids is pretty hardcore - but isn't any excuse inadequate? That's one of the reasons why I'm finding it so hard to process, in my mind there can be no justification. It's not as if we were in an unhappy, loveless marriage. I suspect he was having a mid-life crisis and suddenly thought 'This isn't the life I wanted'. I can relate to that. We all have moments of self-analysis and self-doubt where life looks very bleak. Still, I cannot reconcile the betrayal.

We have just started couple's counselling and she's still trying to assess if working on our relationship is something we should commence - my heart is not in it. I'm a romantic and d

. . . and apparently also incapable of typing a post!

Anyway, I'm a romantic and I don't think I want a relationship where that self-belief that you're the most special person in the world is self-doubt instead. But I feel this enormous responsibility not to give the kids the shitty broken home upbringing that I had.

When will I stop feeling like life's not worth living anymore?

Its not your responsibility about the broken home though is it - that is squarely on his lap. And it doesn't need to be shitty either.

On another matter, isn't he going to have a lovely time when he has the kids on a saturday and finds out what it is actually like looking after them ALL, BY HIMSELF. Then he will really find out what it is like to 'find the kids too much'.

The fact that he was half-way out of the door to set up home suggests this was not some 'whoops-a-daisy' one-off indiscretion/crisis/moment of madness but something more serious. That's very difficult to come back from, I'm sorry. If your heart's not in it, it's not in it but, even if your family ends up living under two roofs instead of one, it doesn't have to be a shitty upbringing for your DCs.

If you feel life's not worth living, please talk to someone close. And I'm aware of the irony that the person you'd normally talk to about the crappy stuff is the person that has caused it on this occasion. Confide in a friend, family, GP or Samaritans even. There are no easy choices where you are now and, if it takes jettisoning your DH in order to get back your peace of mind, that might be the least worst option.

"I find that incredibly depressing as if the affair has doomed me forever to be damaged."

That is the first thing you have to get rid of. The affair hasn't doomed you to be anything. It might possible have 'doomed' your marriage. It might have 'doomed' your love for him. Only time will tell. And you can expect and demand as much time as you need to make that decision.

I totally sympathise btw. I spent months and months wondering what I did wrong, how i failed hi, how I was getting too old, put on weight, suffered from depression etc etc round and bloody round. But finally I realised it was NOTHING TO DO WITH ME! It was all on him, all of it.

So....... work on you, make YOU happy, take time to think about what you want. Your marraige, if it survives, won't be worse necessarily but it won't be the same. That isn't always a bad thing. This is your time to make decisions, he had his chance, he has now chosen to dump the OW and come back to you. So you call the shots.

And BTW no decision is set in stone. 17 months since dday for me and I am still prepared even now to make that decision to kick him out when I am 100% sure of what I want.

IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW BORING, TROUBLESOME OR HARD GOING YOUR LIFE IS OR YOU FEEL YOUR PARTNER OR KIDS ARE CAUSING YOU - YOU DON'T BETRAY SOMEONE YOU TRULY LOVE.

I am sorry but I really don't think his heart is in it either, I would be terrified he's going to do the same thing again. If I was you, out of order as it sounds, I would start putting a little bit of cash away for the future so are at least able to perhaps stand on your feet without him, with four kids, I'm sure you'll get a lot of support.

What is he doing to take responsibility for the damage he has wrecked? To help you recover?

You mention self help books - has he read these?

Is he looking into himself to address what was in him that thought shagging another woman was the answer to his issues and what was in him that justified betraying you and his DC is the most awful way possible?

I agree that 3 months is nothing - it takes 2-3 years and even then it will always be there, although it won't hurt as much.

"it takes 2-3 years and even then it will always be there"

Not if you make him leave it won't.

He already made the decision to end your marriage, so you have no reason to feel guilty for holding him to that even if it does suit him now to change his mind.

There are several stages to grief and they all don't happen in a weekend. He threw the grenade into your relationship, not you, remember that.

As much as you wish to fast forward over the shittyness it is a process and you will survive it. Be kind and honest with yourself and you will find your way, you can't ask more of yourself than that.

Sorry, OP he said he was out of the door.

He doesn't want you, I'd suspect he's chickened out of leaving his comfort zone or OW has blown him out.

Don't believe what he says, follow what you want.
Your kids would rather have a happy M&D separate rather than together.
Or so my DC tell me.

I am five months on and could've written your post. I have had some odd coping strategies involving dating sites (!) and have distracted myself with various things but its still there all the time, I really relate to the doomed feeling, it has affected me so badly and I feel trapped because my children are very young still too.

Sorry to be depressing I just wanted to tell you you aren't alone.

Best of luck with all that. I'm married/bored/routine/kids/depressed and I never fucked anyone else. Figured it was worth the stuff we went through. Anyone can slip, but c'mon. Really?

Dear Dogs (love 'em)

It's very early days, no wonder it feels so hard. And he did a horrible thing to his family, such young children too.

It's up to your dh to do the work, he may take a while to realise this. These excuses are only the surface stuff, not good enough. You will have to be very firm. You don't want to spend years with a person who can't take full responsibility for sorting out his own mess. But don't expect to know what to do yet, the shock is so recent. You're being very brave and strong, in fact with four such tiny dcs I don't know where you find such strength. You have every right to be disappointed and angry that he let you all down so badly, he was utterly selfish. It's so sad.

I don't agree that he doesn't love you, how would anyone here know? I'd be surprised though if what he's done has really hit him yet, including how badly he's hurt you. Telling you he wanted (however temporarily) to be with some equally selfish ow is very difficult to forgive. I'm not surprised that your heart isn't in reconciliation.

Your life, however, is far from over.

Playfellows is correct: 'He didn't give a fuck about the damage he was causing to you when it suited him to cause it,' or at least not enough of one. He has to give a fuck now though. You have struggled and worked hard for weeks to keep your family and your wits together, now the primary effort must be his - I suspect the choice in the end will be yours.

You could take a look at: betrayedwivesclub.blogspot.co.uk/

Thanks for all the kind messages. It's very sad to read messages from other people who are going thro the same; like we've all suddenly joined some secret, really crap club. I'm sure my husband does love me - he says he cannot now understand why the affair happened, that he realised when he moved out that he didn't love her and that he couldn't live without me. I don't agree that 'he didn't give a fuck about me during the affair. I think that in order to betray someone you love some people compartmentalise the different parts of their lives. I think he very effectively never properly thought about what he was doing to me and the children. I also think that he is now gripped with guilt and horror at how I have been affected by the affair.

Many have said that his reasons for why it happened are not the real reasons. What sorts of things are real reasons? And when will I stop feeling that life isn't worth living?

Life is worth living when you look at your beautiful DC.
I've been where you are, it's bloody hard and not fair but have the strength to focus on yourself and your DC.
Not your husband, with time you may or may not want to be with him but its still so fresh you don't have to rush anything.
Like someone on MN told me, he had 18motnths (in my case) to have his affair you've only just discovered it! Give yourself time (and space from him)

It's does take a lot of courage to try and repair the damage of an affair ,it's not something I think that ever goes away really altogether .
But you can if you want make something good come out of the terribleness of what happened .
I found out about my dh on Xmas day last year , cannot begin to say how badly I feel for you , it's shattering, my only consolation it was only a few weeks and I twigged immediately .
I was given some sage advice by a lovely lady on here when I really wanted to kill him and walk away.
So, I still get sad down days, (not as many) like a terrible movie playing over in your head that you cannot switch off, the triggers to take you back are awful and give no warning and you are engulfed in the pain of it all again..drive you insane don't they?
But I'm a little further on from you , I still have my rational irrational times when I'm filled with sadness but I recognise I need to know what I want, that despite the pain he caused me and my dds I love him and I willing to take a chance and give him a chance, never believed I'd ever do that or actually would need to.
I also get out have a run and clear my head, it really helps, a walk, cycle whatever.
I can only say a marriage therapist helped my immensely , she likened it to a wound, which eventually scab bed over, you'd have a little pick, it would bleed again, scab and eventually after a while the scab would heal but then a scar remains and with time will fade but never go completely.

Decide what you want, not for him, the kids, the house etc. YOU, as you need to prioritise you now, your happiness.
If I can help, as I was given a virtual shoulder on here to cry on, pm and I'm happy to try.
It's just awful, nothing can describe it but it's not forever and my belief in him is growing , he's wiped out our trust account so it's a slow one adding to it, but from my reading( amazon did well out of me) it's going to be a few years but the fog has gone, were having fun, being honest and I see a happier future.
Big hugs xx

So well written Cheshire

he says he cannot now understand why the affair happened

All the more reason for him to work on himself - I am afraid that if he has no insight into why and how it happened, then it is likely to happen again.

People who cheat tend to be selfish and entitled and working on these flaws (along with boundaries and coping strategies) is important if he is to change.

In your message at 20:08, you make a lot of assumptions ("I think" - you cannot know what he is really thinking and feeling. He needs to be proactive and do all this reflecting himself. Get him to read Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends.

You need to focus on yourself and rebuilding your life - work, hobbies, interests, friends etc.

"What sorts of things are real reasons?"

Whatever they are, they are not the scripted 'it meant nothing', 'I didn't know what I was doing', 'the kids were too much for me' tripe you're currently being expected to swallow. You can get very hung up on reasons and excuses and explanations in this situation. It's very clear he's talking a good game and making himself centre stage of this one-man show. But the reason you feel that life isn't worth living is that you're not getting an emotional word in edge-ways. Your feelings are not being taken into account. Sure he's 'horrified' at your reaction... not horrified enough to stop him walking out of the door and ripping your life to shreds. Not horrified enough to leave other women alone in the first place.

He may have compartmentalised you on the one hand and sneaking around shagging on the other.... and all that means - give it a few weeks - is that he'll be expecting you to 'get over it' - because he has.

Where are you in all this? Aside from unrealistic ideas about turning clocks back and wishing it had never happened, what do you want?

you will pass this stage soon.
then you will enter the 'really fucking angry stage'.
In your head this is all abut them, but it ISNT its ALL about YOU.

YOU need to decide if you can move past this, YOU need to lay down the law on what you need from him in order to move on.

I personally dont accept anything as an excuse for cheating/affair & I made the decision to leave.

You can be strong and you will get through this (you have 4 under 6 christs sake! talk about strong) this is your time to call the shots.