Post affair - can't cope

[ShoulddaStuckwithDogs]

3 months ago I found my DH was having an affair. We have 4 children under 6, youngest is a baby. Now the bubble has burst he regrets it enormously and wants to work at repairing our relationship.

Having felt last week that I was doing better and things were a little more normal I am now overwhelmed again by it all. I can't sleep, I don't want to eat. I cry every day and obsess over 'Why did he do it?'; 'How could he do it?'; 'My life is over', 'I'll never be the same again', etc.

I know I WILL feel better. I know it's early days. I know the reasons for the affair - he was struggling with depression, finding the kids too much and she flattered his ego - and I've read a self-help book which deals with affairs and recovering from them. And yet, I wish I were dead and I can't get past this utterly hopeless feeling. I've read lots of stuff which all says you can get over it and repair the relationship but it will never be the same and it will always hurt and I find that incredibly depressing as if the affair has doomed me forever to be damaged.

I feel utterly desperate: some hope would be good.

cheshirescarf what a fantastic post

You have some great supporters here, I had a few "men are all bastards" on my initial post , understandable as they'd been betrayed and were devastated.
The stages really are like a death, and in ways it is, death of the memories of what you believed to be true.
It took neatly 2 months after dday for him to really own what he did , he shut the door on it and I was the one trying to cope with it.
I'm not sure if this is a general trait but they close themselves off to it whilst the partner is wading through shit soup.
At the start I would have given anything for it too work, but it really takes 2 committed people or it's doomed to fail, I wrote a shit list of what I felt like and also why and made him read it.
My dh knows he fucked up,he knows this is his one chance, I don't throw it in his face but am sure that may happen...
Go to a therapist alone and together , I was able to tell her things I wasn't ready to say to him but eventually did.
We invest time into our homes, cars but not often in our relationships, we lose ourselves or part of us as we become parents , so find YOU again, find your mojo, but remember these shitty times will pass and become fewer , this us not your fault , men are wired differently, women ( most of us) would think about our families etc before doing something so devastating, men are more selfish and seem to be either weak willed or easily flattered, no excuse I know but it's my take on it.
So be honest, take it a day at a time and take care of you my love.
I hope today is a better day for you.
Xx

Thank you

"men are wired differently"

Really? Suscribe to 'boys will be boys' ... and you that's exactly what you'll get. A boy that gets away with blue murder.

plenty of women cheat too and women can be selfish and easily flattered.

Please do not excuse your DH's disgusting cheating behaviour in this way.

men are wired differently, women ( most of us) would think about our families etc before doing something so devastating, men are more selfish and seem to be either weak willed or easily flattered, no excuse I know but it's my take on it.

Many studies indicate that more women than men have affairs, so this is all total bollocks. We are not wired differently and you can't make such awful generalisations.

OP, you are making a lot of excuses for your partner - he was depressed, it was hard with the kids, he compartmentalised, he didn't stop loving you, he doesn't know what he was thinking, he was shocked afterwards etc.

You will feel better when you get some self respect, and stop making excuses for you. He's damaged this, now it's up to him to fix it.

Put your foot down, ask him to move out for a while for you to get your head together. Give him a shock as he realises you are not a doormat that he can walk out on and then who will gratefully take him back.

I never said women don't cheat, obviously they do.
I also said it's my opinion , I'm entitled to it, so no it's not bollocks to me.
But I'm not going to get into silly spats, I'd rather help dogs out.
The basis of all of this is to work out what you want, it's hard wadding through it all and cannot even begin to think how you're juggling 4 little ones too, I hope you have a supportive family and group of friends to help you too, I found some people could not cope with the situation, you learn who your friends are.
Could you go away somewhere even for a few days?
I wish you I could ff you a few months on, just for clarity...

A lot of what chesire says makes sense and yes, I agree you're entitled to your opinion.

Op...so so sorry you're going through this. Into own experience I found that I thought/felt different things one day to the next (sometimes from hour to hour). Don't make quick decisions. It is your prerogative to to take your time to reflect on what you want to happen.

I agree some time out would do you the world of good. Could you leave the dc with him for a weekend. You could go and visit a girlfriend, take yourself off on a city break...even book yourself over night in a hotel and just have a few hours away from it all to think and be by yourself x

Oh and yes...you learn who your friends are!! Some close friends barely asked me how I was doing...you live and learn x