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Original poster

Do I love my ex or my boyfriend and father of my child

27 replies

jacinta1 · 12/11/2013 12:31

I met the love if my life at university. He was an Arab trainee doctor. We were both 18. I fell in love with him almost straight away. He seemed perfect to me and so beautiful. He was perfect and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. Unfortunately, while he liked me at first his interest quickly dwindled and it had fizzled out in just 5 months. He left but I was still in love. I never dated anyone else as no one could replace him. I had a string of short flings to try and fill the emptiness. I hoped he would one day come back and want me. 6 years later I met a guy at work. He asked me out but I wanted my ex. I decided though that it was finally time to get over him and start dating someone new. This new guy was lovely. Of course he has his faults but so does everyone and essentially he is a wonderful man. Kind, honest, thoughtful. Just a few months later I fell pregnant by him. I have basically just ran through the motions with this guy. I still deep down wanted my ex and felt I was just settling for someone else. Mid way into my pregnancy the unthinkable happened. My ex contacted me. He wanted to meet up! My heart sank as I knew he might be out of cos I was pregnant but I knew I could hide the pregnancy if I met him and then take things from there. I arranged to meet him. He was now a trainee surgeon and every bit as good looking as I remember. BUT, I missed my boyfriend. I didn't enjoy the evening and after the date I rushed back home to cuddle my man. I have now had my baby and I am so confused. My first love makes my heart jump. He excites me, is gorgeous and I am infatuated with him. My current boyfriend does none of those things and yet I prefer him. I want him not my ex. I could never hurt my boyfriend or see him in pain and I miss him when we're apart. Could it be that I love my boyfriend and what I feel for my ex is infatuation? I am so confused! All I ever wanted could be mine but I don't want it anymore :-s

OP posts:
MerryMarigold · 12/11/2013 12:38

Yes to the infatuation. And well done for recognising it.

You may also be addicted to the 'in love' feelings your ex makes you feel. They are powerful hormones and quite addictive. You can control these though.

You need to control your thoughts now or you will never be happy. By control your thoughts, I mean: if you find yourself thinking about him, think about something else or do something else. Delete his number and any contact details.

You will not be happy if you are fantasising about someone else. You will not be happy even if you got together with this guy, as he is just 'unreal' (it would soon wear off) and obviously doesn't feel the way you do. You would not be happy splitting up your family even IF the ex was everything you wanted him to be and feel (unlikely anyway, but just saying). There are 0 good outcomes for thinking about him, or entertaining ideas about him.

Stop. It. Now.

MerryMarigold · 12/11/2013 12:42

this may make some sense to you

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/11/2013 12:53

You can't love the father of your baby if you were prepared to drop everything and even half-way thinking of replacing him with your first romance, and Dr Omar Sharif doesn't love you. That solve it for you?

Kaluki · 12/11/2013 12:53

Your ex is the one that got away. We all have one of those Grin
See it for what is and enjoy the fantasies and 'what might have beens' but appreciate your lovely boyfriend and your baby in the here and now.
We love people in many different ways, just because your boyfriend doesn't make your heart jump like your ex did doesn't mean you don't love him.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/11/2013 12:55

I feel really sorry for your DP btw. He has no way of knowing he's your 'you'll do until something better comes along' guy... Hmm

bakingaddict · 12/11/2013 12:59

I think you was probably in love with the romance of the relationship, those heady days of totally yearning for somebody and feeling as though you would combust if you didn't see them. The reality is he was somebody from a different culture whose family may well have had expectations of the kind of girl he would marry i.e someone of his own culture.

Real life love cannot compete on that level but it's more likely to be lasting. Remember him for what he was, your first love and what he represented, the transition to becoming a fully fledged grown-up but concentrate on the here and the now and what you have with your DP not chasing some spectres of the past

Kaluki · 12/11/2013 12:59

Where did she say that Cogito???

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/11/2013 13:03

By her actions.... Although, reading back through a few other threads by the OP the DP probably has an alcohol problem, comes with overbearing parents and doesn't have a lot to commend him. Neither of these men are right for the OP and she's just cleaving to the nearest warm body (or some ridiculous fantasy from the past) because she is unhappy and has no confidence in herself.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/11/2013 13:04

How to Know when your Partner's Drinking is a Problem ... for example.

Original poster
jacinta1 · 12/11/2013 13:13

I said he has his problems but he is a good man. We all have our faults but he loves me and would never cheat or disrespect me. His mother is awful but that's not his fault and I'm sure a lot of women don't get on with their partner's mother. On a separate note we have discussed his drinking and he has acknowledged that he drinks too much and has cut down. He wants what's best for his family and always will. Not that that has anything to do with the thread. Think you are just trying to cause trouble so hopefully other posters will just ignore your comments as I want advice not to discuss how good a man my boyfriend is. It's not relevant to the post

OP posts:
MerryMarigold · 12/11/2013 13:14

Ah Cogito, well researched.

Sounds like the doctor fantasy may also be fed by the problems of today...

By the way, with SUCH a new baby, I would focus on enjoying/ getting to know/ dealing with the baby and not worry too much about other stuff at this moment in time. If you feel you may be getting depressed, go to doctor ASAP.

Original poster
jacinta1 · 12/11/2013 13:21

Unfortunately it's not possible to put these thoughts out of my head. I'm happy now and know I'm so lucky to have a wonderful man and beautiful baby. But I am so confused by the way I feel about the two men in my life. Doesn't help that my ex is now in regular contact although I haven't replied. I know I prefer my boyfriend so no point replying. But it's weird how you can want someone for so long and then when you can have them you don't want them.

OP posts:
Original poster
jacinta1 · 12/11/2013 13:22

I wondered if it's possible to live someone without being infatuated first.

OP posts:
MerryMarigold · 12/11/2013 13:22

Why are you asking then Jacinta?

Did you read the article? Did it ring any bells?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/11/2013 13:24

I'm not causing trouble. You put all this personal information on the Relationships board and expect no-one to join up the dots?

lalalonglegs · 12/11/2013 13:25

I knew a woman who was in quite a similar situation to you, jacinta. She met the "love of her life" at university and they had a relationship for a couple of years but he left her when they were in their mid-20s. She spent the best part of a decade pining after this man whom she built up into something he absolutely was not (I am friends with him and he really doesn't deserve the pedestal she put him upon nor did he ask for it).

Ultimately she realised that her feelings for him were all of her making, that their relationship probably wasn't as she by then perceived it to be and with a lot of therapy managed to move on and found someone else and had children.

I think it is usual to look back on past relationships and even unrequited loves and idealise them but you have to live in the now. It's telling that you didn't actually enjoy spending time with the surgeon this time.

Good luck with your baby and your relationship.

ALittleStranger · 12/11/2013 13:25

I think you're living in a fantasy world. Your OP reads like a bad piece of creative writing.

I can't see the evidence that you can "have" this other man. He's in contact, but so what? He dumped you after five months. I've had items of laundry in my laundry basket for longer. He is not the love of your life, or the one who got away. He is someone you've been fantasising about and now have decided to reawaken that fantasy. If you persued him you'd be taking a punt on a huge amount of uncertainty which may drop you like hot potatoes again.

If you want to be with your BF, be with your BF and work on your family. Stop wallowing in drama.

If you don't want to be with him do him the favour of ending it and letting him find someone who does want him.

Original poster
jacinta1 · 12/11/2013 13:29

MerryMarigold I think the article posted is very true for my situation. At university I had a very exciting life. Young, care free and always at a party. Life now is more peaceful and happier but also not as exciting in some ways so think heh also represents an exciting time in my life. But deep down I prefer the simple grown up life. I just wanted advice on making sense of what I was feeling.

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 12/11/2013 13:31

Based on all your threads lately Jacinta, I doubt your current boyfriend is the man for you either. You say he is lovely, but he has no prospects, and awfully snobby parents that disrespects you, he finds he is too good for you, cant cope with social housing, will not improve his own prospects to support you outside social housing, and is a mouthpiece for his parents. You could do so much better than this.

My suggestion though is to focus on your baby and making a good life for yourself and your little one.

Original poster
jacinta1 · 12/11/2013 13:32

@alittlestranger, I agree with what ur saying. My boyfriend loves me truly while my ex would very likely just have a fling and go. But what's weird is I'm not even interested to find out if that's all his intentions are. I'm just not interested. And yet I still think he's gorgeous and I still get flutters when I see him. It's all rather odd

OP posts:
JanineStHubbins · 12/11/2013 13:34

I thought this was the plot of a Judith Kranz novel or something. Confused

OP you seem to have lots of things going on in your life at the moment, going by your recent threads. I would take a step back and focus on your baby for the time being, if I were you.

ALittleStranger · 12/11/2013 13:35

That's not weird, it's good and healthy. I know there are loads of people who would like a fling with me, it doesn't mean I'm going to allocate head space to wondering if I should derail my life and do it. Growing up means not snogging everyone in the club just because you can.

Original poster
jacinta1 · 12/11/2013 13:36

His mum is snobby but that's not my boyfriends fault! He has a full time job but it's not high earning but that doesn't bother me as unlike his mother I am not a snob. He is well qualified and has previously had a good job but was made redundant. Turns out he was right about social housing. The house he didn't want me to take turned out to be awful, I was just being stubborn. We are in fact moving into social housing house in the next few weeks and he is happy about this. He is a good man.

OP posts:
MerryMarigold · 12/11/2013 14:09

Alittlestranger, I think she means it weird she's not considering this guy:
a) because of history of infatuation with this guy
b) because of the feelings he still evokes

jacinta, it's not surprising you feel those butterflies etc when you see him. It's like smelling a particular smell, or hearing a particular song can take you right back to a certain place or time. Seeing him just makes your body remember the things it used to feel when you saw him or thought about him. There's a particular song that always makes me feel very, very sad when I hear it - not because it's a sad song, or because I am already feeling sad, but because I played it a lot during a sad time in my life.

Twinklestein · 12/11/2013 14:42

Part of your confusion OP is perhaps based on a refusal to be honest with yourself. Your bf is not a 'wonderful man' he's a spoilt alcoholic tied to his family's apron strings, who does not treat you with a great deal of respect.

I guess the doctor is a fantasy of what might have been, except he lost interest fairly quickly at the time. He would likely run a mile if he discovered you were pregnant, so he's not an option anyway.

In your situation I'd try and work on my self esteem & confidence so that my relationship options didn't come down to someone who's not really good enough and someone who isn't really interested.