I met the love if my life at university. He was an Arab trainee doctor. We were both 18. I fell in love with him almost straight away. He seemed perfect to me and so beautiful. He was perfect and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. Unfortunately, while he liked me at first his interest quickly dwindled and it had fizzled out in just 5 months. He left but I was still in love. I never dated anyone else as no one could replace him. I had a string of short flings to try and fill the emptiness. I hoped he would one day come back and want me. 6 years later I met a guy at work. He asked me out but I wanted my ex. I decided though that it was finally time to get over him and start dating someone new. This new guy was lovely. Of course he has his faults but so does everyone and essentially he is a wonderful man. Kind, honest, thoughtful. Just a few months later I fell pregnant by him. I have basically just ran through the motions with this guy. I still deep down wanted my ex and felt I was just settling for someone else. Mid way into my pregnancy the unthinkable happened. My ex contacted me. He wanted to meet up! My heart sank as I knew he might be out of cos I was pregnant but I knew I could hide the pregnancy if I met him and then take things from there. I arranged to meet him. He was now a trainee surgeon and every bit as good looking as I remember. BUT, I missed my boyfriend. I didn't enjoy the evening and after the date I rushed back home to cuddle my man. I have now had my baby and I am so confused. My first love makes my heart jump. He excites me, is gorgeous and I am infatuated with him. My current boyfriend does none of those things and yet I prefer him. I want him not my ex. I could never hurt my boyfriend or see him in pain and I miss him when we're apart. Could it be that I love my boyfriend and what I feel for my ex is infatuation? I am so confused! All I ever wanted could be mine but I don't want it anymore :-s